New and screwed??

[westman]

Hi everybody, Im new here, and I think I already screwed up!!

 

First, let me set you up with the story background. This girl, who I'll call "Crystal" is the one I have interest in. Crystal has been thru a lot of bad stuff in the last couple of years....a very bad/hateful divorce, a couple of miscarriages, tons of emotional stress, several other failed relationships where each of the men in these relationships did a little more damage to her...they did'nt do her no good.

The guy from her last relationship, who I'll call "Jerry" is still one of her "friends" somehow.

 

This guy has done more mental damage to her than any other. The guy is a master manipulator of the mind, and he has some sort of power over her. She is still in love with him, but she cannot accept all his problems....which are many.

The guy is a manic depressive, he is an alcoholic, he's used speed before on several occasions. He is married, and has cheated on his wife with 3 different women that I know of.

The guy is a total A-hole to everybody.....and yet, she see's him as something great. In their relationship, Jerry got her drunk, then got her pregnant....after 16 weeks, she miscarried and lost the baby. At this time, he had her mentally broken. He was very abusive to her verbally, never physically, but still treated her like a piece of trash. The guy is bi-polar...he has mood swings that run from one extreme to the other....add that with his alcoholism and the fact that he was having ANOTHER relationship with yet another woman before he ever met Crystal, was all too much to bear for her.

She held on to him for awhile, but when things got really bad, she finally dumped his ass and began to get her life back in order.

But she has always been hung up this guy, and she has gone out of her way to try to change him....but he wont change for anyone.

 

So, in order for her to get her mind off him, she contacted me and asked to meet me (we had been internet friends for several years already, even before she ever met this Jerry guy)....I accepted. We had a very nice first date, and she made a very positive impression on me. We hit it off pretty well.

She would call me all the time and just talk for hours!! I did'nt mind, I like her a lot.

She would invite me over to her house and we'd watch movies and she's cook very nice meals. I really enjoy her company, we get along great, and we discovered that we have lots of stuff in common....and it makes it that much better.

 

So as we seen each other a little bit more, she begins to open up and tell me things about her past, and even all the problems she's had before. No one is perfect, and I dont fault her for anything....I told her that I accept her the way she is.

Several more weeks go by and we are seeing each other.....but whenever she starts talking about "Jerry", and what a wonderful guy he is, I get apprehensive.....me and Jerry hate each other....he hated me right from the start.

So we go round and round over this, and finally I ask her whats so great about him?? Whats so great about this guy who is a drug/alcohol abuser, an adulterer, a user of people for his own personal gain, and a mulitiple personality disordered freak??

She blows up when I point out all his BS to her....because she swears that he is this wonderfully great human who really does love everybody and he loves his children, etc, etc.

She says he is the way he is because he's "sick".....she always says he is a sick man, and that he needs help, support, and love to make him better.

I dont buy that BS....I think he knows EXACTLY what he does, and why he does it, and I told her that its not her job to change him....he has to change himself!!

But she dont see it that way, so she still keeps him as a friend....a very close one.

 

Okay, so I sit down and have a talk with her. I ask her if Im sticking my nose in where it dont belong. I ask if Im 'barking up the wrong tree'....if I am, then let me know now, before I make a big mistake.

I told her that Im not going to compete with "Jerry" for her attention.

She says thats not the case, and she assures me that their love affair is over and that they are only good friends now.

Im still suspicious because all I ever hear from her is how Jerry is having this problem or that problem in his life right now.....I dont f-ing care!! let him fix his own problems!!

But when I say that, she blows up!!

I had told her that I wanted to have a relationship with her, she was kinda open to the idea, and we get along great as long as Jerry is not in the discussion.

Maybe I came on too strong or too soon because I let her know my true feelings. Those true feelings being that I have a very strong interest in her, that I think about her all the time, and that I want to be with her.

But I also have my fears about just where do I stand with her.

What do I mean to her?? How does she view me?? Does she accept me the same way I accept her??

She's never been really clear on this, she does say that she likes me a lot, and that she enjoys my company too, and that she thinks Im "cool".

Again, I ask her if Im wasting my time...she says no, and she once again assures me that we are cool together, and that Im not wasting my time or barking up the wrong tree.

Okay, great!!

 

But then suddenly, Jerry starts having a very bad day at work, he's on yet another one of his rollercoaster moods and its on the downslope.

So she goes to comfort him in his emotional distress, and lets him dump all his emotions and negative energy onto her.

She absorbs it....so if he feels bad, she feels bad. Then when I see her, I feel bad because I can see how down she is.....and its all from Jerry!!

The guy dont know when to quit....oh, but he's so wonderful. He's a total loser.

Now at the same time, I begin to have my fears again. In fact, I had the biggest anxiety attack I've ever had before. I could'nt sleep, I could'nt eat, I could'nt function, and therefore, I could'nt go to work!! I was very messed up.

When I told her this, and how it was affecting me, she blew up at me and said I have no "right" to be putting myself thru this kind of worry.

I told her that my worries are directly tied to this Jerry guy.....he's a threat to the relationship I am trying to build here!! I dont trust him, and I get the feeling that Im always going to have to compete with him for your attention....and I cant do that, I will not be a 2nd place contestant in your life!!

She blew up BIG TIME at me for that. Then she says that we need to take a break for awhile.

 

So Im feeling like the freight train of rejection is coming my way....I think she's going to go running back to Jerry to accomodate him and his moods, and that Im going to be the loser here.

Im going to lose out on this relationship before it ever has the chance to begin.

 

Inside, I am really hurting right now. I feel like I have been judged or chastized just for telling it as I see it.

 

Was I wrong to tell her my true feelings and thoughts for her?? was I wrong in telling her my fears about this whole scene??

[CaliGuy]

You laid out a boundary "I am not comfortable with you being friends with Jerry while we're dating."

 

She ignores the boundary.

 

You have no repercussions for it.

 

See, if you have a boundary but it's soft and mushy, she will have no reason to stop her behavior. Instead of HER telling you "We need a break" it should have been YOU telling her "We need a break."

 

Understand?

 

When you lay out a boundary ie: "I don't want you talking to this guy while we're together" it needs to be followed "But I can't control you. However, if you do decide to continue talking to him then I'll have no choice but to walk."

 

See, you aren't telling her she can't talk to him. That choice is up to her. What you are telling her is that if she chooses to do so, there will be repercussions.

 

This is called a "healthy boundary."

 

What she is telling you by her actions is that she is not healthy. She's not healthy enough to respect boundaries. She is disillusioned by this guy. She's not ready to be in a relationship with you, at least not a healthy one.

 

She's given you tons of red flags, yet you ignore them. See, you know she has problems. You just chose to overlook them. We all do when we're "in love." However, the red flags she is giving off would be enough to scare most sane men away for good.

 

I might not have laid out my true feelings to her. I would have just said "Hey, you obviously aren't in a position to pull yourself away from this guy. In that case, I think I'll pull myself out of this relationship. See ya."

 

Walk.

And mean it.

 

That's the only way you can respect yourself.

That's the only way she can respect you.

And if there's a chance she'll snap out of his "trance", if she really wants to be with you, that's what needs to happen.

 

Now you've left her in the position of power and authority. You don't have a leg to stand on. She is the one calling the shots. All because you did not have healthy boundaries to begin with and because you ignored all the red flags.

 

Not sure if this helps you or not. It's not a solution to your problem. It's more or less the map that shows where you started and where you ended up. Perhaps it will be of some value to you.

[bendit]

You don't trust Jerry. But its clear, and for good reason, you don't trust Her either. She is bad news...a loser who is using you. You don't need a GF like that. Trust me. You can expect this type of behavior from her as long as you have a relationship with her. Relationships should be "easy". They should flow. They should be "pain" free, especially in the beginning. Cali had a great post above. There are TONS of red flags here. Move on. She is not worth it. There are many better women out there for you and they won't devalue YOU in any way like this woman is doing. Take action to remove yourself from this TRIANGLE. If she dumps you you're the Winner. But you have to stay dumped to win. Any contact you have with her will make you the loser. Again.

 

regards

[upsetnhurt]

Sucks to hear yet bendit is right! I am on nine months of NC with an ex who just could not resolve her feelings for her prior ex and it did nothing but sabotage our hopes of being together. I took the opposite side and put up with everything that her ex could throw at me (vandalizing my car, glueing my door locks, calls late at night) and she still felt responsible forcausing him to react this way. There is no winner here.......I had to finally let go as she kept pulling back each time we would attempt to get close and when I inquired as to why it always had to do with the ex touching base. She couldnt get it or she didnt want to understand that. I am not saying I am better off nine months later without her as I know deep down she is a great person, what I amis free of doubting myself over their problems. Take a stand, you have let her know how you feel.........let her rectify her own issues.

[oppath]

Cali has some excellent advice on what a healthy boundary is.

 

In my last relationship, my gf wanted to remain best friends with her ex of 5 years. We started dating just after they broke up. He had moved away, but I wasn't allowed to meet some of her friends because it would get back to him that she was dating someone so soon. He'd come down to visit family and see her and she wouldn't tell him about me. This continued AFTER she expressed love to me. I told her how I felt disrespected, but that I couldn't control her, but I wanted him to know about me. She didn't do it. I didn't add repercussions to my boundaries.

 

I am proud that I expressed boundaries -- I am a late bloomer in relationships and in previous ones I haven't expressed them -- but I can grow from my experience and in future relationships, there will be repercussions attached. I ultimately got screwed over because her ex did get wind of me and asked for her back, and PROPOSED TO HER. I guess she said no, but she dumped me two weeks after this happened and NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT. I found out 4 weeks later from a mutual friend. It was devastating to me because I felt used and taken advantage of. I felt like she didn't respect me or value me at all. Well, I felt that way because I didn't fully respect myself.

 

Now I know that I deserve MUCH more. I will express boundaries in any future relationship, and there will be repercussions attached.

 

I suggest you do the same. Never ignore red flags. You don't have to abandon the relationship because of them, but when you see them, you should bring them up, and make it tactfully clear what is and is not acceptable to you.

[westman]

Thank you all for responding. Yes, it is really hard to move on. It is devastating to me right now, after I've poured my heart out to her, and only to have it smashed to pieces....its pretty darn hard to cope with.

 

The advice is much appriciated, there were things I did'nt see, but now that I step back and look at the big picture, I can see my own mistakes in there.

Its hard to not repeat those mistakes, but learning from them will help in the next time.

 

I feel like Im trying to pull myself out from under the debris of a hurricane, and its very painful right now....all the emotions are lingering still.