Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Well we text'd and I mentioned he was quiet and he said Sorry for being quiet that's how i am when i'm sick, and then he said we've been getting close lately and he wants to make sure this is what he wants in his life. So, he IS thinking about what happened. I asked if I can call him now or later, since I usually ask because he has to call long distance and it's free for me. He said not right now, I need some time. So I said Okay I agree we need to take a step back. We both need to be comfortable with things. So fucHHHk now I don't know what later means but I will have to get my mind off this. If he just wants to slow down that's fine, but if he is trying to decide if it's ME he wants, or some other chick he's met, then I wish he would be honest with me.
sunshinegirl Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 He said not right now, I need some time. That doesn't sound good. The last time I heard that was just before I got dumped.
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Completely back off of him, if you call or email/IM him, it WILL push him away. I think because he's sick (partial reason) he's not up for talking at all, which is understandable, not everybody wants to talk while ill and he is thinking about how quickly you two had sex. I'm sure in afew days he'll talk to you though. YOU need to be the first one to say "We had sex too early, that was unplanned and I want to take things slowly as i don't want to be hurt"...And then go from there. Keep busy and try not to stress out about what he is/isn't thinking right now.
Rewind Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Stop stressing over guys so much..you know there is more to life And any guy who is constantely canceling and is always sick isn't into you. I'm half you're age and I know this.
Adick Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Well we text'd and I mentioned he was quiet and he said Sorry for being quiet that's how i am when i'm sick, and then he said we've been getting close lately and he wants to make sure this is what he wants in his life. So, he IS thinking about what happened. I asked if I can call him now or later, since I usually ask because he has to call long distance and it's free for me. He said not right now, I need some time. So I said Okay I agree we need to take a step back. We both need to be comfortable with things. So fucHHHk now I don't know what later means but I will have to get my mind off this. If he just wants to slow down that's fine, but if he is trying to decide if it's ME he wants, or some other chick he's met, then I wish he would be honest with me. Read between the lines. I have bolded them for you! Sorry, seems like this is not gonna work out.
Star Gazer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Your jealousy and insecurity is showing and that is a relationship killer. I agree completely. And before you say "Oh, but I'm only revealing my insecurity here on LS" let me remind you that men aren't complete idiots and they do have SOME level of intuition, even if you think you haven't let on about any of your insecurities. From your past experience, you might think you're "getting used to this," and those expectations of failure (insecurities) are likely to have weasled their way into your conversations with him. That said - remember what you said, that it's the fact that he chose the day after you two first had sex to cancel on you. Yes, he CHOSE. If he cared as much as you WANT him to, he would have suggested alternative plans (more low key, staying in with a DVD and chicken soup, for example...not sure what your original plans were). He would have still made the effort to keep those plans with you...and if he thought he wasn't going to be a ball of fun because he's really sick, he would have considered your feelings and given YOU the choice of whether or not to continue your date to another night. As far as I'm concerned, in the beginning of a relationship, there are a plethora of reasons why a guy doesn't call too soon, ask me out again too soon, etc. (he's genuinely busy, doesn't want to seem desperate/over eager, is bedding someone else), I get all of that, and I give them plenty of leeway in that regard (or as much as I can). But the "day after first sex" thing is very, very touchy for women. We need reassurance that they're not gonna immediately bail on us. Men KNOW this (if they don't, they're oblivious to a woman's feelings and shouldn't be dating to begin with). By flaking, not calling, whatever, this guy is telling you something. Your gut is telling you the same thing. However, it's not necessarily as bad as the worst-case-scenario (which is that he's over-it and moving on already). Could be that he's simply keeping his options open, which means you have to do everything within your power to remain a superfox in his eyes, and not a needy/insecure wimpy woman. EDIT: I wrote the above before reading the other posts. His text to you is a BAD SIGN. I agree with WWIU - back off COMPLETELY. No texts, no emails, nada. Let him come to you.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Oh for sure, I will not be contacting him. I have never caved when it comes to no contact. You're right, if he genuinely felt bad for cancelling because he was sick, he would have suggested alternate plans, I guess the absense of that got my gut sinking. So I GET IT now. I actually felt a little relieved that he replied with the smiley. I think he was relieved at my message saying I agree we need to take a step back. In the short amount of time I have noticed that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to be "perfect" for him. I feel a load off now. I haven't written him off yet, I can be very patient, because I think he is a great guy, I can also put the ball in my court and be that elusive mysterious woman guys tend to gravitate toward haha j/k. Ahhh we live and learn.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 I agree completely. And before you say "Oh, but I'm only revealing my insecurity here on LS" let me remind you that men aren't complete idiots and they do have SOME level of intuition, even if you think you haven't let on about any of your insecurities. From your past experience, you might think you're "getting used to this," and those expectations of failure (insecurities) are likely to have weasled their way into your conversations with him.[/QUOTe] Actually, you are quite wrong about the above.
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I still think that you may be reading alot more into this...The guy was sick and may not have been thinking ahead of planning a next date with you beacuse he was sick. Give it time. Oh and be yourself. He certainly is being himself with you, so don't try to be 'perfect' for him. If he truely likes ya, he'll like ALL of you, not just the fun and nice parts of you.
Star Gazer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Oh for sure, I will not be contacting him. I have never caved when it comes to no contact. You're right, if he genuinely felt bad for cancelling because he was sick, he would have suggested alternate plans, I guess the absense of that got my gut sinking. So I GET IT now. I actually felt a little relieved that he replied with the smiley. I think he was relieved at my message saying I agree we need to take a step back. In the short amount of time I have noticed that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to be "perfect" for him. I feel a load off now. I haven't written him off yet, I can be very patient, because I think he is a great guy, I can also put the ball in my court and be that elusive mysterious woman guys tend to gravitate toward haha j/k. Ahhh we live and learn. I hate, hate, hate that gut feeling. Damn thing is right every time, and I hate, hate, hate being wrong. He's likely just as relieved as you are about understanding the need to sloooooooow down. Your response provides him to opportunity to continue and evaluate, instead of flee. Good job. Now, just have NO expectations. Don't wait for him. Carry on as though this never happened so that if/when he does want to pick up where you left off, you'll be pleasantly surprised. KWIM?
Teddy and Jane Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I disagree about the sick thing. If I am feeling sick and totally like crap the last thing I want to do is hang out with the guy I had sex with for the first time the night before. I would cancel the date, not give the date any "choice" to hang out with me because when I feel like crap, I feel like crap, I'm hitting the couch in pj's and watching bad cable tv....alone.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Thanks WWIU and StarGazer. What is KWIM? I want to continue as normal but normal for me would be going online and I saw he was on that dating site, so I don't want to go on when he is on there. But I was thinking of putting my picture up on my profile...what do you think?
Star Gazer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Thanks WWIU and StarGazer. What is KWIM? I want to continue as normal but normal for me would be going online and I saw he was on that dating site, so I don't want to go on when he is on there. But I was thinking of putting my picture up on my profile...what do you think? Know What I Mean. :-) Get back on that site, girl! What makes you so sure that he wouldn't want to go on there if he knew/saw you were on there too?? Hmmmm...??? That said, I really wish you had already had your picture up to garner more interest in you/messages/etc., but to put it up now would look either passive-aggressive or as though you're really not all that interested in him. Give it a few more weeks, and if he doesn't bite, then I'd say post that pickie!!
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Well, I'm sorry guys but I took the advice of a close male friend here and emailed him this: "We talked about being up front, so I would like to know, are you interested in moving forward in a relationship with me or are you not? It's a yes or no question and we can take it from there as to how to proceed (ie. move forward at a much slower pace or move on.)" Well, his reply was as expected. He felt that I was being pushy and I didn't respect his wishes for time. He had feelings for me and wanted to make sure, and was going to talk to me tonight, but since I seemed "pushy" his answer is now no. My friend thinks this guy played me. I think I have to agree. I think by emailing him I gave him an easy 'out' and he used my being pushy as the reason. I replied to him, that he has to understand how I felt opening myself up and having the date cancelled. He thought I didn't believe he was sick, so I said Yes, I believed it but you didn't suggest an alternate date. We said goodbye and good luck and all that crap. so that is that. I told him what my friend told me that part of going into a relationship is taking the risk of getting hurt, and then I added: I was very attracted to you, and felt pressured by some of your expectations but was willing to take the risk. I haven't heard back and don't expect to. There are alot of other guys out there. He did mention that one of the things he had to consider was the distance (45 min drive). Whatever. My friend told me that when HE was dating his future wife, he drove out here every DAY to see her. I deserve better but this still sucks today.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 My friend thinks this guy played me. please see post #12... I deserve better... I'm sure you do
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 i will alpha (see #12) after i get through today
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Cry and let it out - But don't beat up on yourself. In afew days you'll feel better and it won't bug you as much. Definately go and pamper yourself at some point! Whether it be shopping, or doing a hobby that you love to do, or buy some of your favourite food - Don't let the bastard get ya down! He isn't worth it.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Actually I went outside for some fresh air at lunch and I can breathe again. What a tough morning. I kept thinking what if I wasn't so pushy. Then my friend here said this: "I think you had the right to know and I don't think that was pushy at all. The fact that's how he referred to it says a lot. If he cared for you then he wouldn't have used those words. I think you're way better off knowing then going on and on with you thinking it is more then what it was to him." There are alot of guys out there, I will go get me one....not too soon though LOL.
sunshinegirl Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 For what it's worth, I have learned the hard way not to rush things. I do think, at some level, that your requests to know where things stand were forward; I can see how they put him on the defensive. I have also seen, and lived, relationships that were great but for one party rushing things... and the rushing things leading to the demise of the relationship. If he were the right guy, maybe your questions wouldn't have mattered... he would have answered you honestly and maturely. On the other hand, even the most right guy for you in the world might be thrown off by premature requests for DTR ("define the relationship") talks. I dunno. Either way, what's done is done. Be sad about this, but then pick yourself back up and move on. You'll be fine.
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I kept thinking what if I wasn't so pushy. It was going to end either way, just a matter of time...So, you emailing him just pushed him to end it sooner. The outcome would have been the same, even if you gave him space.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 It was going to end either way, just a matter of time...So, you emailing him just pushed him to end it sooner. The outcome would have been the same, even if you gave him space. girls let me give u a secret....if guy genuinely likes u he will wait a reasonable amt of time before slippin you the sausage
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 if guy genuinely likes u he will wait a reasonable amt of time before slippin you the sausage I know alpha. My motto has always been, never rush a good thing. If a guy really likes ya, he WILL wait, no matter how hot'n'horny he is for ya.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 If a guy really likes ya, he WILL wait, no matter how hot'n'horny he is for ya. I could wait a month for someone I like...and up to two months for someone I really really like. But no longer. The other sluts I just bang on the first or 2nd date.
Star Gazer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 ...even the most right guy for you in the world might be thrown off by premature requests for DTR ("define the relationship") talks. I've rushed far too many relationships, and agree with the above assessment whole heartedly.
Lezbean Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Hey LifeBegins, You really need to read Mars and Venus on a date. http://www.marsvenus.com/forums/ Pushing a man (that yu barely know) is a no no and a sure way to ruin what may have been a great relationship. He probably saw you as needy and overhwhelming.....no offense. Please read the link I put up. It will answer a lot! Better luck next time! I hope you read it and get better skills! Just so you know. He could just be a jerk. I slept with my honey (we have been together 2 years now) the first time we met (I've never ever done that before) and from that night on we have been together and are now getting married. Don't be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea. NOW GO READ THAT LINK!
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