MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 It's the story of my life...two dates, lots of phone calls, date planned for saturday, he comes over friday, we have sex for the first time, then on saturday he is sick and cancels our date. I've been cancelled on by other guys and I really would like to not be getting used to this! I know he really is sick but I can't help this awful feeling in my gut. I've seen him online quite a bit today on the dating site we met on. He can't see me because I didn't sign in, and I am not looking or contacting any other guys on there. One side of me thinks he is just chatting, and doing it with people he has met on there before,,,,I'd be okay with that since we haven't had the 'exclusive' talk yet (i know, i shouldn't have had sex with him so soon, but he drove all the way out here to see me) and I talk to guys on MSN that he doesn't know about. Our phone calls usually last a while, and today we exchanged texts, and he didn't reply to my last one, that said I'd call later. Well I called a few hours later and we talked for 15 min and he said "I need to go" and that was it. He sounded tired, but now I see him online. I know I am just being paranoid and I was trying this time to take things slow. I guess all I can do is let him make the next contact.
Teddy and Jane Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 You did sleep with him too soon. Since you did that, we can't really help you here. If you had waited at least a month or so, and developed a relationship first, you'd be on here ecstatic about this wonderful relationship you have with this guy who adores you so much. But...you've lost that now since you've slept with him too soon and he's probably scared off now. You'll never get a relationship out of him now. the positive side - with the next guy, you know to wait! AND just because a guy drives several miles to see you, doesn't mean you owe him sex! AND even if you give him sex, it doesn't mean he'll stick around. (he probably won't if you sleep w/him too soon.) Lessons learned! Now go out and practice them on the next guy!
johan Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I don't think it's quite that simple. You could have put off the sex for a month and still have found that afterwards he lost interest. You could also have hit the sack on the first date and things could be cruising along perfectly. But I don't think there's enough information here to conclude anything. Except maybe this: you don't know this guy well enough to determine whether he's much of a catch. You should work on lowering your expectations Hopefully he'll prove to you that he really was sick and that maybe he was just closing out the account on the dating site.
Adick Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Maybe the sex was not that good and he does not see a future and is just taking the pussy way out?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 I don't think I need to give up on this relationship just because we had sex on our 3rd date. We're not kids, I'm 41 he's 45 and we've spent several hours on the phone getting to know each other. I just need to deal with my insecurity about the fact that the day after we had sex, he cancelled our date. I know he was sick, but I also know some guys would not cancel no matter how lousy they feel. The last guy I dated we never had sex, saw each other on and off and he still got "sick" all the time or if it wasn't that it was something else. So I don't think it has anything to do with the early sex. He wasn't closing out his account, but I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to be pushy about moving forward, not just yet. I actually considered posting my picture on my profile as that may get his attention, although I'm not sure it would be in a positive way. He has his pic on there and he's been online, so is it any different? Or do you think he would respond to me more if he sees that I haven't even been on the site? And hey! the sex was great! And the last thing I will do is lower my expectations of the guy I want to be in a relationship with. I have a history of lowering my expectations and settling for the wrong guys, well I've come a long way and it's just not going to happen this time around.
upsetnhurt Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 MWC, No need to substantiate your positions here. You did what you felt was best for you. I say lets give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he was simply sick.......just be cautious and don't jump the gun on any feelings yet! Take it slow and let him be the one to reach out to you in terms of wanted to proceed with getting to know you.
Adick Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 And hey! the sex was great! And the last thing I will do is lower my expectations of the guy I want to be in a relationship with. Not trying to be snarky her...really am not, but your opinion is only one half of the equation. One man's trash is another man's treasure and all that. Maybe YOU felt the sex was great, but maybe not so much for him. Maybe the last thing he will do is lower his expectations of the girl he wants to be in a relationship with. Just a thought. But I thinks upsetnhurt proabably has the best advice. Take him at his word till he proves otherwise. But comeing from a guy point of view, I might not be willing to offer sex EVERY time. We do like th chase!
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 (i know, i shouldn't have had sex with him so soon, but he drove all the way out here to see me) I have to ask, did you feel like you "owed" him sex because drove all the way to see you? It sounds that way to me, unless it's just the way you worded it. Back off abit, let him contact you. And as for him being online, well, you talk to other people online as well that he doesn't know about, so maybe he's just doing the same thing. Don't make it about YOU. Meaning, he didn't feel up to talking, and then later you saw him online. I doubt very much he did that on purpose to make a point to you or to be mean. He's just doing what he wants to do...And, after 2 dates, neither of are exclusive either........Yes, the sex changes things, but maybe in his mind, it didn't. Give it some time, see how he is with you in the upcoming weeks and have FUN with him. Get to know him and put sex on the backburner until you feel more comfortable and you can trust him more.
Yamaha Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 You seem pretty far along (emotionally) in this realtionship when you've only had 3 dates (sex will do that to you). If he knew how you felt about his being on-line and canceling the date he might be shocked. HE seems to be keeping his options open and I would suggest you do the same until you have the talk about a serious relationship. Your jealousy and insecurity is showing and that is a relationship killer. ( Is this the guy you thought was so handsome and maybe out of your league, from a previous post? )
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Adick: I wasn't talking about sexual expectations. Maybe his expectations in bed are high but we have talked about it alot, and I did tell him before that I want to be comfortable with the guy I'm with before I can do all those things we talked about, that I want to be valued and respected, and respect myself. Those are my expectations, his are more of "will you stick your finger up my a$$ and yell my name when you cum" type of expectations I think (I can do that...in time...) WWIU: A bit more about the night we had sex...we had been texting each other some really hot messages in the afternoon, before he went to meet his friend for a drink. Then he text'd me and asked if I wanna (insert sexual act here) later tonight? I replied that I hadn't thought of it, thinking he'd had his whole evening booked. Then he said something cutesy and I said "you know I wanna" and then when he was done having a drink, he text'd with "so do you wanna .... or what?" Here is where I got sucked in. I replied with "Well, is this just a booty call or what?" and he replied with "how can you ask me that question :(" It was the sad blue face on my phone that got to me. So I said "I'd love to see you tonight" and he showed up an hour or so later and we did the deed and it was so nice. Then he text'd me in the morning saying he didn't feel well and was going to sleep in the afternoon and see how he felt later and then he was feverish, chilled, and sore throat later. Is this a huge red fricken flag that I am not seeing? He usually texts me in the morning, and I haven't heard from him yet. My plan is to keep myself busy on this gorgeous day so as to not think about it and let him make the next contact. On the phone call he said "talk to you later" so part of me (the suck part) says maybe he thought I'd call him later last night and he's waiting for me to contact him? Ugggh men are confusing!
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 You seem pretty far along (emotionally) in this realtionship when you've only had 3 dates (sex will do that to you). If he knew how you felt about his being on-line and canceling the date he might be shocked. HE seems to be keeping his options open and I would suggest you do the same until you have the talk about a serious relationship. Your jealousy and insecurity is showing and that is a relationship killer. ( Is this the guy you thought was so handsome and maybe out of your league, from a previous post? ) Yes Yamaha, this is my dream guy. I am trying to see him as just a guy and not put him on a pedestal. He did say something early on about dating only one woman at a time, so for that I think I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know he has woman "friends" that he talks to, as I have "guy" friends I talk to, nothing sexual or romantic about it. I am not a jealous person, and sometimes I think I should show a bit more insecurity or at least not show that I don't care. I won't put my pic on my profile because once I do, I can't go back and undo any damage. My options are somewhat open, I view profiles, but won't make any contact with anyone until I know where this one is going.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 I think you should forget this guy and move on Why alpha? What's your reason I should forget this guy who appears to have more qualities, values and looks over any guy I've ever dated? For all I know he caught his cold from me as I was just getting over one when we first kissed. I don't want to overanalyze things or over talk things with him on the phone. I'd like a way to casually bring it up that I am worried that Friday night was moving too fast.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I replied with "Well, is this just a booty call or what?" When you ask a guy that, he hears "I expect this to be an actual relationship that moves forward and becomes serious." I expect he did enjoy himself, and he no doubt likes you and wants to be with you, but it does sound like he is playing on the cautious side when it comes to anything approaching commitment or obligation. You are likely not the only person he is seeing either. One thing you must not do is freak out about him not contacting you. If he does contact you, do not question why he did not. Do not get angry or upset with him. If you do, he will see that calling you and contacting you is no longer an enjoyable option, but an obligation that he isn't interested in right now.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 When you ask a guy that, he hears "I expect this to be an actual relationship that moves forward and becomes serious." I expect he did enjoy himself, and he no doubt likes you and wants to be with you, but it does sound like he is playing on the cautious side when it comes to anything approaching commitment or obligation. You are likely not the only person he is seeing either. One thing you must not do is freak out about him not contacting you. If he does contact you, do not question why he did not. Do not get angry or upset with him. If you do, he will see that calling you and contacting you is no longer an enjoyable option, but an obligation that he isn't interested in right now. Thanks LB I would be way to shy to get mad at him. I actually wondered that if I act like I don't care, will that bother him and make me look wimpy, like I don't care if he cancels dates on me? But I guess just acting happy and normal is better than freaking out on him. He was really hurt last year and told me he is being cautious, so I know that. I told him I have been hurt too and also will not wear my heart on my sleeve. I doubt he is seeing anyone else....I took his word that he only sees one at a time. Should I bring up the other night with him? Ask him how he feels it affects things? Or just blow it off and hold him off next time he gets frisky (I need to exercise my own self control better though). I think things will cool off a bit anyway because I have my kids next weekend, and only one free night this week.
johan Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 cause he's just lookin' fer sex... What tipped you off?
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Thanks LB I would be way to shy to get mad at him. I actually wondered that if I act like I don't care, will that bother him and make me look wimpy, like I don't care if he cancels dates on me? But I guess just acting happy and normal is better than freaking out on him. He was really hurt last year and told me he is being cautious, so I know that. I told him I have been hurt too and also will not wear my heart on my sleeve. I doubt he is seeing anyone else....I took his word that he only sees one at a time. Should I bring up the other night with him? Ask him how he feels it affects things? Or just blow it off and hold him off next time he gets frisky (I need to exercise my own self control better though). I think things will cool off a bit anyway because I have my kids next weekend, and only one free night this week. I think LBs advice is good about not freaking out. I will also add that you do need to hold off on physical interaction until or if ever, you're ready to handle it on a casual basis. Let him know that while you did let it happen last time, it was too soon for you and you also need to be cautious. Sex is not a tool to use to get someone but...you both have to be on the same page about casual sex or not. If he's a good guy, he should be able to understand that you have the same "need to be cautious", as he does. If he completely walks away at that point, you know where his mind set is and was.
sweetscarlet Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 But I thinks upsetnhurt proabably has the best advice. Take him at his word till he proves otherwise. But comeing from a guy point of view, I might not be willing to offer sex EVERY time. We do like th chase! My personal belief is waiting but that's just me personally. What is interesting though is the mixed messages women are given today about sex. Women aren't supposed to use sex as a tool. And yet, by saying to withhold it, because men like the chase, that is exactly what you are telling them to do. If she wanted to have sex with him, she instead should withhold it to get what she wants (respect). So this teaches women to use it to get what they want. But most men will say that, once in a relationship or marriage, they do not want women to use sex as a weapon....but that is precisely what they've taught them to do. Women are also expected to take sex casually....that's supposed to make her seem "modern" or "cool". Many men are expecting it early on today....not too many people wait until they're engaged. At the same time though, it is to be considered a prize that the man "wins" and something that's a challenge to him. But how can it be challenging when it is expected so soon? Sometimes a woman can feel as if they're damned if they do and damned if they don't.
alphamale Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Sometimes a woman can feel as if they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. well its their own fault....women lib and all that stuff.
sweetscarlet Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 well its their own fault....women lib and all that stuff. While I won't agree with you about "fault", you do raise an interesting point. Equality for women has had huge benefits but it has also caused some problems. I grew up somewhat towards the forefront of it all when *suddenly* all of the rules changed. I remember how strange I thought it was when the first (six year younger) guy gave ME his phone number. Guys NEVER gave out their phone numbers. That probably seems strange to a lot of you reading this...but they never did (and there was no caller id). Guys asked for a girls number only and the girl waited for him to call...and there was no call waiting, no answering machines, no voicemail and no cell phones.... If you weren't home or if you were on the phone, you didn't get the call. Be glad those days are over. But he was six years younger so he was of the next generation who had already learned the new gender roles. Things are STILL in the changing stages today 20 or so years later and the gender roles are still very blurred and it still is causing confusion in the dating world.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 I have a feeling that if I didn't see him Friday night, he still would have cancelled on Saturday, because of his cold. We have exchanged a couple of texts today, but nothing steamy. I guess time will tell, if we have one of our longer phone conversations tonight. I will not avoid the subject of Friday night though. I will tell him that I'm not comfortable with casual sex and don't make a habit of sleeping with every guy I meet, and not this early. I'll tell him I am also trying to be cautious but let my guard down because I was sooo attracted to him. (should I say that?) and that he caught me by surprise by coming here last minute .... Maybe he is on the same page, wanting to slow it down and give it time, or maybe he has decided we aren't meant to be but he did say before that both of us need to be honest if we think it won't work so as to not waste anyone's time, even though it would suck because he said he has feelings for me, etc etc....(he really said that). but I know how things change.
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I would only mention casual sex if he brings the topic up again, like he did the last time. In bringing it up, you will make it sound like you're pushing him away and that it's very important to you. Also, in bringing it up, you will give him the idea that if he pressures you enough, you will fold again. Relax. Try not to stress about it and most of all, don't emotionally invest in something this early.
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Then just see how things go. Within afew weeks (and weekends) you'll know where things stand. Let him make some effort to chase you. And, just go with the flow - Don't force anything...Let him dictate the sex talk, I mean right now he's not feeling well so I doubt he's up for steamy sex chat. I'll also add this, you seem to be thinking about this too much...I know you really like him, but don't go worrying about this and that quite yet.
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