Icantletgo Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 So as you all know I'm finally initiating NC on an ex who cheated on me who wanted us to still be friends. Anyways...as you all know I deleted him from my myspace and he put his on private. Well I found out from one of my best friends that she emailed him and said "please put your profile on private. It's not healthy for her to look at it" I kept crying and crying. I know it's for the best but i'm so embarrassed that I looked so weak. I didn't tell her to email him!!!! How do you think it makes me look? I'm completely embarrrassed. On the positive note. I feel soo much better that i haven't talked to him and now that i'm not expecting his phone calls. So whoever just initiated NC..it'll get better!!! I miss him still but I know il'l get better!
Author Icantletgo Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 BTW shadowdog, trialbyfire, teacherspet, 2ndIInone: you are right. I'm not going to acknowledge his bday. Although he did give me gift on mine (2 months ago) i need to realize that he's going to be spending it WITH HER and I probably won't even cross his mind. I need to be strong. 2ndIInone you are also right that I still love him and see him as he was at the beginning of our relationship. He's a cheating liar now and that's how I should see him. Thanks to all for your DAILY support and words of encouragement!!!
2ndIINone Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 2ndIInone you are also right that I still love him and see him as he was at the beginning of our relationship. He's a cheating liar now and that's how I should see him. I tend to be very blunt with you... and try to hold nothing back for the simple reason... it's aggrivating. Let me explain... I consider myself a 'good guy' and have been considered a 'good guy' loyal, dedicated...etc. And can't stand to see a good girl pining over a bad guy. Cause a guy like that, makes the good guys look bad. Then when a girl like you meets a good guy (for instance).... you won't ever trust him.... or at least not for awhile. So I can't stand to see a girl sooo upset over a guy who doesn't deserve it or her attention... your attention. Again, that's why I try to be blunt with you. Sometimes an outside perspective is better because there is no emotional attachment to distract opinions and judgements. Whenever you get down.... try to imagine your best female friend going through what you went through and are going through.... What would your advice be to her? Ya know what I mean?
Island Girl Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 So as you all know I'm finally initiating NC on an ex who cheated on me who wanted us to still be friends. Finally! Good for you. Stay with it and get busy doing all of the things you'd wished you'd tried to do or were interested in before. Anyways...as you all know I deleted him from my myspace and he put his on private. Well I found out from one of my best friends that she emailed him and said "please put your profile on private. It's not healthy for her to look at it" I would be SO ANGRY WITH HER! I hope you really let her have it. I know she was coming from a good place but her actions were a betrayal of your trust. She'd better be kissing you a$$ right now. I kept crying and crying. I know it's for the best but i'm so embarrassed that I looked so weak. I didn't tell her to email him!!!! You shared with her how upset you are. You shared what you were doing so she could help you --- NOT betray you. I'd be angry not crying. When do you get righteously indignant? When do you get angry?!! Because a lot of the stuff you've posted would not make me cry. They'd make me angry and want to cut people out of my life. Don't cry. She owes you an apology and a true explanation of why she felt she should go behind your back with something sensitive that you entrusted her with. Not that there is a good explanation but at least it is an acknowledgment of her betrayal. Her thoughtlessness would put her on the BAD list as far as friends or people I would trust. She'd have to do some serious make up work to get back to BF level. BTW shadowdog, trialbyfire, teacherspet, 2ndIInone: you are right. I'm not going to acknowledge his bday. Although he did give me gift on mine (2 months ago) i need to realize that he's going to be spending it WITH HER and I probably won't even cross his mind. And what about me?! I need to be strong. 2ndIInone you are also right that I still love him and see him as he was at the beginning of our relationship. He's a cheating liar now and that's how I should see him. Thanks to all for your DAILY support and words of encouragement!!! Remember: The only thing a BAD guy does well - is keep a GOOD guy away.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 2ndIInoone: I have an awesome guy friend who said the exact same thing to me. I am now so hurt and paranoid beyond words that I dont know if i'll ever be able to trust someone with my heart again. Of course that is why I'm trying to get through this alone and learn to be strong again. Islandgirl: you are alwayyyssssss the best poster. You are are blunt cause you know that's the only way we can really understand and "get" what is really happening. I am angry at my friend. But I know what she did was for the best. But I feel bad now cause I dont want to tell her anything anymore for the fear she'll do this again. NC Day3: I went out last night. Felt great. Got to walk around and scope the scene. Bad news: no good looking guys. All look like cheaters...I need more time to myself. Right now I'm feeling sad. Miss him dearly. With his bday being tomorrow I still wanna give him his gifts. I love him so much but it hurts that he's celebrating with HER and HER friends and probably doesn't even think about me. I'm so bipolar right now. But I know this is for the best.
sb129 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 The only thing a BAD guy does well - is keep a GOOD guy away. Brilliant. Island Girl, I think I love you. Icantletgo- Please don't acknowledge his Bday. It won't go the way you secretly hope it will, so don't bother. Sell his gifts on ebay. Or burn them. Go out tomoro and have some fun. And don't look at other guys, they will all look bad to you cos you are still hurting. Be by yourself for a while.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 I know that I shouldn't acknowledge his bday. It's just so hard cause I spent the past 3 bdays with him. I wonder if he'll even REMEMBER or NOTICE that I don't acknowledge it. Oh yea. when I went out last night I ran into his brother who gave me a hug. I was so hurt cause I knew that he knew that my ex was out with his new girl celebrating his bday.
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Don't go scoping around for someone else until you've strengthened yourself. Stand alone but with the help of real friends, not a rebound relationship. I'd take this girl to task. "WTH do you think you're doing by telling my ex? It's not your place to make decisions like that on my behalf. Next time, ask me about it first." As for his bday present, return it if you can and buy something nice for yourself. If you can't return it, give it away. You don't need the temptation or the reminder.
2ndIINone Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I wonder if he'll even REMEMBER or NOTICE that I don't acknowledge it. yes, he will notice... he's probably expecting you to crack. Don't. Just keep telling yourself... "He cheated on me... he cheated on me." It's ONLY his birthday.... don't use it as an excuse to 'crack' Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't! Of course that is why I'm trying to get through this alone and learn to be strong again. Good! That's the only way to do it. No sense in getting some poor sap attached to you, if you're still emotionally attached to your ex. Do it alone. Gain your confidence back...AND your self asteem/respect.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Trialbyfire, I made sure my friend realize that what she did was lose my trust. what she did was embarrass me. I know she was trying to be a good friend but I told her she should have confided in me first before she did anything like that. 2ndIInone, you are right. I am trying to think of the negatives more now. i realized that during this whole time that we were "friends" (3 months) all I did was give give give and all he did was use me and take take take. I need to stand up for myself. Yesterday was a great day but today is a little bit harder. I might get some chocolate cake to make myself feel better!!! I hope tomorrow is a better day. You both are advocates for NC. How long have you been on NC? Have your ex tried to contact you?
oppath Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Yeah, I'd be pissed at your friend. Is she good friends with your ex too? Things get complicated in that situation. My ex, her ex of 5 years proposed to her over Christmas. She dumped me two weeks later, and never told me about it. A mutual friend, mainly her friend and more of an acquaintance of mine, sought me out seeking friendship after the breakup, because he liked me and figured "no reason we can't be friends". Well, we were talking about the breakup, and he was like "****." "Something happened but I promised her I wouldn't tell you." I got it out of him about her ex. She did say no, but I was devastated. Anyway, she was FURIOUS with him because he betrayed her trust. Now, he apologized and told her "if I could do it over, I would have told you that you had to tell him or I would, and I'm sorry I didn't do that, but he was really hurt." She didn't acknowledge this. She isn't his friend anymore because he violated her trust. In reality, SHE VIOLATED MY TRUST, and he did the right thing by telling me. It gets complicated when friends are involved. Of course, our situations are nowhere similar. We are both "victims" of someone who doesn't deserve any of our energies! In this sense, your friend did the wrong thing. My friend did the right thing.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 See she was friends with him too but not as good friends as she and I are. She said she knew I would be pissed. i can see her point of view: trying to help me move on cause she knew i'd be obsessing over his page and crying whenever I found out something or crying whenever he wrote something sweet to her. But i dont want him to know i'm so damn weak. That he still has this power, this control over me. That's what i'm angry about. I hate it cause I can see her as trying to do what I dont have the strength to do. But i just feel very embarrassed and that my trust is betrayed. See your situation oppath is sticky cause the mutual friend might have feelings or a crush on you. or no?
oppath Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 No, it is a guy friend. And it's not a similar situation, really, sorry for threadjacking. It would be similar if your friend revealed to you he had cheated, but was also his friend. I think that is a more appropriate comparison. He revealed very important information to me about something that happened while my ex and I were together. It's not the same thing, I only wanted to demonstrate that things get sticky when mutual friends are involved. I understand how you feel embarrassed, that you've shown him you are weak, but you haven't really. It doesn't make you a weak person. Remember, even if someone says the worst thing about you, it doesn't make it true. This doesn't make you weak. You are a sensitive person who truly cared for him. She
Island Girl Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I have an awesome guy friend who said the exact same thing to me. I am now so hurt and paranoid beyond words that I dont know if i'll ever be able to trust someone with my heart again. Of course that is why I'm trying to get through this alone and learn to be strong again. Sure you will. And it will be a lot better when you can understand that things have been much more painful than they needed to be. He should have been OUT the second you found out he cheated. The lingering and trying to be "friends" has made this waaaay more painful for waaaay longer than it has had to be. You'd have been on your way to healing long before now. Keeping a person - who is a liar and a cheater - around is like playing with a knife, getting cut, and then playing with it again and again while you continue to get cut. Put the knife down immediately. One cut and it starts to heal. I am angry at my friend. But I know what she did was for the best. But I feel bad now cause I dont want to tell her anything anymore for the fear she'll do this again. WHAT?! You feel bad because...why? SHE betrayed you. SHE betrayed your trust. The result is that you can't trust her so OF COURSE you don't tell her things. Why do YOU feel bad about that? She made the choices. She deals with the consequences of her actions. Righteous Indignation: retribution, retributive justice; anger and contempt combined with a feeling that it is one's right to feel that way; anger without guilt I really hope you get in touch with this emotion. You have much cause to feel it. With your friend and your ex. NC Day3: I went out last night. Felt great. Got to walk around and scope the scene. Bad news: no good looking guys. All look like cheaters...I need more time to myself. Glad you ended that with a smilie. You shouldn't be looking for a guy right now. You should just focus on how good it feels to be free of the torment. Right now I'm feeling sad. Miss him dearly. What do you miss? Honestly. Write it down. Because I think you'll find is what you miss isn't HIM. It is the man you wanted him to be or thought he was but THAT ISN'T REALLY HIM. He is a liar. He is a cheater. He is someone so callous that would commit the ultimate betrayal and then ask that person to be "friends" so he could hurt you more by sharing his relationship struggles with another woman with YOU. What a piece of work this guy is. I fear you can't see the forest for the trees. --- You need to look at thw whole picture. With his bday being tomorrow I still wanna give him his gifts. I think you want to give him his gifts to show, somehow, how much you care as if that is going to tell him somehow that he needs to be with you -- because you are stuck somehow on the thought that "if I just show him how much I love him we can go back to before all of this happened". But you can't go back. And you shouldn't WANT to. He CHEATED on you. He LIED to you. He HURT you tremendously. And he is capable of DOING IT AGAIN. Why does he deserve anything good from you? He doesn't. He didn't deserve as good as he had it. He never deserved you. You are better than that. You are worth more than he gave. His loss. I love him so much but it hurts that he's celebrating with HER and HER friends and probably doesn't even think about me. You are still seeing this as some kind of battle. If she is with him - she is with a loser. A man who lies and cheats. Oh what a prize! ---- Do you really want a man that disrespects you. lies to you, and cheats on you?!! C'mon. I really don't think you gave yourself enough self esteem building time from the other boyfriend who cheated. I think this situation is getting a double whammy of your emotion because of it. You keep saying you love him so much. Why? I can tell you exactly why I love my husband in detail. And SO MANY of those reasons would be completely wiped off the list if he did what this guy has done to you. I would be left with absolutely no reason to love him actually. Because his character - his integrity - his thoughtfulness - the respect he shows me - all of that and more would be gone with lying and cheating. He'd still be funny. But I'd never be able to talk again with him about anything serious or real because he'd be a LIAR and a CHEATER. And I'd never be able to believe anything that came out of his mouth again. So I wouldn't want him in or around my life. I want people who can add something to my life, who bring something special to the relationship, and who I can trust and depend on. The only thing this guy has done is sucked the life out of you, cut you off at the knees, and left you. And you are still saying you love him? Why? My GAWD girl! Realize what a loser he is and Get Angry.
Island Girl Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 She said she knew I would be pissed. And yet she did it anyway. Good friend. *seething* i can see her point of view: trying to help me move on cause she knew i'd be obsessing over his page and crying whenever I found out something or crying whenever he wrote something sweet to her. She could've done a lot of things to help you without betraying your trust. You told her what you were doing in an effort to reach out for HELP. She could've tried to keep you busier. She could've rallied your other friends to step in and talk to you or get you out of the house. She did not need to go behind your back and let the lying cheating bastard know that you were strung out. Wrong wrong wrong of her. Do not take on any responsibility for the decision she made. But i dont want him to know i'm so damn weak. That he still has this power, this control over me. Which is why you are NOT giving him his b-day gifts. Why you are NOT contacting him. And why you are severing the ties that bind you. He does not have control unless you give it over to him. You aren't anymore so he doesn't have it anymore. You really must be careful of defeatist statements like these. You are not weak - you are stronger than you realize. You need to tell yourself these kinds of positive things. It will strengthen you and call the real you forward so to speak. There is a strong woman in there who you have shoved aside.Please empower her to step up and take control. That's what i'm angry about. I hate it cause I can see her as trying to do what I dont have the strength to do. But i just feel very embarrassed and that my trust is betrayed. You would not have done what she did. It was a BAD move. You wouldn't have done it. The responsibility sits with her. Don't be embarrassed. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing that many other people do and are STILL doing. He knew you looked at his profile all the time. You had a conversation about it. It is not anything he wasn't already thinking. So there is nothing lost as far as his take on it. Just be angry with her and be done with the embarrassment. There really is no reason for it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 You both are advocates for NC. How long have you been on NC? Have your ex tried to contact you? I'm an advocate of NC when the situation calls for it. LC was killing your self-esteem slowly because your ex is one selfish liar and cheater with zero empathy. I'm in the middle of divorce proceedings with my ex so it's impossible to go NC so I've kept it to non-contact LC. I found out about him in the latter part of last year.
2ndIINone Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Realize what a loser he is and Get Angry. that's what I'm waitin' for her to do. but she's just not quite there yet.... still in the early stages of cheating and being left for someone else. Which is fair... honestly... she has every right to feel the way she does.... eventually... it should, no, it BETTER turn to anger.
Author Icantletgo Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Mann.....i wanna be angry!! i really do!! i promise.... It's just that the love is still there. I guess it still hasn't "hit" me that he was a complete jerk and the man i fell for isn't who he really is!!! When i turn angry, you'll be the first to know.
Island Girl Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Who do you love? -- Because it surely isn't this guy. Not the real him. I asked you before to write down why you love him. Have you tried to do that? It could be a very helpful exercise right now because I think you'll find that truthfully the man you know is unlovable. He does not hold any characteristics that would lead to admiration, respect, or love.
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