Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 Then tell him that you love him but can't live with him like this. He needs to get his act together if he wants to be with you, which means, getting medical help and also, getting the coping tools from AA. Btw, you might benefit from Al-Anon. Look into it. It's about learning to understand an alcoholic and how your behaviour empowers his. You have to know when to let go and allow him to take responsibility for his behaviour. You know I may just do this. Do what you suggest. I went a little bit to Al-anon. But I kind of quit going. Have you been there before? Do you know what to do or what they'd tell me to do in this particular situation?
dropdeadlegs Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 AG, let em explain something to you about alcoholism (I won't even attempt anything with his other major issue.) There is nothing YOU can do to keep HIM sober. If you think you have that kind of power, think again. If you did have the power, he would have been sober months ago. It's not about you, it's about him. He is currently living his life in a defective manner. You have talked to him until you are blue in the face about the alcohol and the need for medication. If he's going to continue drinking, he will do it with or without you. The decision to stop must be because HE wants to stop, not because you have given him an ultimatum. Alpha said it and I agree, he has modified his behavior because you have modified yours. If he is so willing to do that now, why didn't he do it before when you told him what needed to be done? Are you really this easily manipulated? You often come across as stronger than you seem to be where this guy is concerned. Use that strength. Use your head. Stick to your guns. It's your life, but I think this guy is not good for you. From the minute I came on the LS scene I have seen endless red flags involving this relationship. Some days you see them clearly yourself. Other days you think it's the most satisfying relationship you've ever been in. That was said just days after he was pulling the suicide card. Is NC B/S? I don't think so at all. Praising a man for a few good days, as if he's a puppy to be trained IS B/S in my opinion. If it's all about him, go ahead and send him an invitation, I mean a card. It would take a lot more than a few days of sobriety to catch my attention. More like a 60 day chip. had he chosen the not drinking route while you were together it would be totally different, but don't break up with him one week and reward him the next. Even puppies don't get trained that way.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 AHHHH....my head is THROBBING. Come to think of it, a throbbing head might come in handy right about now.
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 You already tried the support thing. Gave him a chance, then another, and the third chance wasn't lucky, either. He has to do it for himself. I know you love him, but the more you pander to his needs for attention, the more he will put off confronting himself. I'm happy that I have his nutsack all to myself. You lose.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 AG, let em explain something to you about alcoholism (I won't even attempt anything with his other major issue.) There is nothing YOU can do to keep HIM sober. If you think you have that kind of power, think again. If you did have the power, he would have been sober months ago. It's not about you, it's about him. He is currently living his life in a defective manner. You have talked to him until you are blue in the face about the alcohol and the need for medication. If he's going to continue drinking, he will do it with or without you. The decision to stop must be because HE wants to stop, not because you have given him an ultimatum. Alpha said it and I agree, he has modified his behavior because you have modified yours. If he is so willing to do that now, why didn't he do it before when you told him what needed to be done? Are you really this easily manipulated? You often come across as stronger than you seem to be where this guy is concerned. Use that strength. Use your head. Stick to your guns. It's your life, but I think this guy is not good for you. From the minute I came on the LS scene I have seen endless red flags involving this relationship. Some days you see them clearly yourself. Other days you think it's the most satisfying relationship you've ever been in. That was said just days after he was pulling the suicide card. Is NC B/S? I don't think so at all. Praising a man for a few good days, as if he's a puppy to be trained IS B/S in my opinion. If it's all about him, go ahead and send him an invitation, I mean a card. It would take a lot more than a few days of sobriety to catch my attention. More like a 60 day chip. had he chosen the not drinking route while you were together it would be totally different, but don't break up with him one week and reward him the next. Even puppies don't get trained that way. Alright then. Enough said. Today makes Day Five...No Contact.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 Thanks Everyone for letting me draw on your strength and your wisdom. XO
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Thanks Everyone for letting me draw on your strength and your wisdom. XO I think I deserve a special mention, but whatever.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 You know I may just do this. Do what you suggest. I went a little bit to Al-anon. But I kind of quit going. Have you been there before? Do you know what to do or what they'd tell me to do in this particular situation? No, not me personally. I have a very close friend who's husband is in AA. She's gone through the whole twelve step program and has sponsored many wives and girlfriends. You don't have to believe in God, only understand spirituality. Btw, this is Step 1. 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 I think I deserve a special mention, but whatever. Thank you pelagic and alpha and trial by fire and drop dead legs. Happy now?
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Happy now? Thanks for the nutsack. Very happy.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 AG, the internet is chock full of information. Google Al-Anon, codepency, and enabling behavior. I haven't done it myself but I bet you get tens of thousands of hits with more professional information and suggestions than we can give here. I draw from my experiences only, and if I can keep one person from traveling down some of the darkest, muddiest roads I've been down myself, it's been a good week. My post was full of "don't make the same mistakes I have made, do as I say, not as I did." I haven't typed that fast and furiously in several days. I don't mean to be harsh, breaking off a codependent relationship is hard. Not going into another one is hard too. I have learned so much from the many posters on LS and breakups can be a very enriching time if spent in a way that brings about self reflection, self improvement, and self growth. Cry for a few days (if you are a cryer) and get busy making yourself better prepared for the next guy. That's taking something negative and putting a positive spin on it. Now, try to have a wonderful weekend. Are your kids home?
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I draw from my experiences only, and if I can keep one person from traveling down some of the darkest, muddiest roads I've been down myself, it's been a good week. You do take your job seriously. And you do it so well. I'm still not parting with my nutsack, no matter how cool I think you are.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 You do take your job seriously. And you do it so well. I'm still not parting with my nutsack, no matter how cool I think you are. This is a freakin' JOB? I don't WANT a JOB. Oh hell, I'm outta here!:bunny: When are you ever gonna get PM privileges? I needed a quote two weeks ago. Why don't you pay for a subscription? AG, I hope you're not feeling all bad now. I know how hard breakups are and I hate that pain. I hope you're not alone this weekend. Kids can give you perspective and keep you grounded in reality.
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 When are you ever gonna get PM privileges? There. I fixed it, just for you.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 There. I fixed it, just for you. Thank you. I half expected to be taken for a ride after all that typing, but it went through. Sorry AG, I'm done with the off topic chit chat.
Island Girl Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Tonight is Saturday night and I just don't want him to use my not speaking to him as an excuse to get hammered. Alcoholics use excuses to drink, as was explained to me by a dear LoveShacker. Seeing as I have some power here, I thought that by letting him know his efforts are admired, then maybe it could keep him sober today. Alcoholics DO use excuses to drink HOWEVER they use ANY excuse. By you trying to do things "to keep him sober" --- you are buying in and enabling him so he doesn't have to take resposibility for his own actions. "You made me drink" ----- EQUALS BULLSH*T. HE is the only one who can stop himself from drinking. HE is the one who has to stop finding any excuse in the world to drink. He might get drunk tonight and say it is because of you and NC -- okay so what was it when you were together? He'll find any reason - including boredom, etc. to drink. DO NOT allow him to turn it around and somehow try to make you responsible for it. And do NOT under ANY circumstances accept responsibility for causing him to drink or not drink. He is a grown man making his own self destructive choices. As long as he still wants to drink - he will. With or without you. If you are buying into this you need to do some heavy research -- call a support line -- SOMETHING. Because you are making classic co-dependency statements. You have children to think about. They come first. You don't want a drunk around them and he was hammered just a couple of days ago riding around on his bike! A couple of days sober does not mean he is better. He doesn't get the gold star for effort until he is really doing the work. You'll know true effort when you see it. Your encouragement will not help. He has to be doing it for himself right now. Not because of you. http://www.alanon.org.za/ http://tearsandhealing.com/?source=overture&keyword=al+anon
2ndIINone Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 G'lord! Three pages???? What did I miss??? So I can fire my .02 atcha!
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