amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 My story in a nutsack...I broke off w/ my alcoholic BF last weekend. He broke NC Thursday by dropping off a CD with a song he wrote for me. He left messages on my phone that night. I assumed (yes, I know what it implies) that he was drinking because he rode his bike over to my house. Well...the messages say he thinks I hate him, he hasn't drank all week, and "what more does a guy have to do to impress you?" Here's the thing...I don't hate him. I hate alcohol. I love him. But I don't think it's fair for me to be hooked up with him while he's weak because it's not right in my head. I think it's unfair to do to myself and to my children. I wish to instill strength in them and have as much of a respectable life as possible. To teach respect you need to live respect. I feel horrible. I feel so mean and cruel because he's been trying very hard and I've been a bitch ignoring him with N/C. But the truth is I'm very proud of him. What do you think? Is it maybe time to break N/C?
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 It's up to you whether you feel like sticking to NC or go to LC. NC is to break the addiction and move on. Out of sight, out of mind.
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 My story in a nutsack Hairy. I feel horrible. I feel so mean and cruel because he's been trying very hard and I've been a bitch ignoring him Stop stonewalling. Talk to him. He's just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking for you to love him.
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 It's up to you Wrong. She listens to what I say.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 It's up to you whether you feel like sticking to NC or go to LC. NC is to break the addiction and move on. Out of sight, out of mind. I understand that it is up to me but what if the person is trying? Really hard? By giving up an addiction?? I think that at least warrants some type of recognition on my end but then again I'm not sure. I've never dealt with someone who was battling alcoholism before. I am in a position of power here. To some extent. He's proven that. And with power comes responsibility. I just want to do the responsible thing here. I feel like I'm hurting him and that's hurting me.
alphamale Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 What do you think? Is it maybe time to break N/C? if you want to go back to that same miserable life with him and his bottle, then by all means, break NC.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 Hairy. Stop stonewalling. Talk to him. He's just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking for you to love him. It's such a hairy situation...well actually he's well-groomed. I hate this confliction between my head and my heart and my libido. I should probably leave my libido out of this. It'll really screw my head up.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I understand that it is up to me but what if the person is trying? Really hard? By giving up an addiction?? I think that at least warrants some type of recognition on my end but then again I'm not sure. I've never dealt with someone who was battling alcoholism before. I am in a position of power here. To some extent. He's proven that. And with power comes responsibility. I just want to do the responsible thing here. I feel like I'm hurting him and that's hurting me. If he really wants to help himself, he needs to join AA and begin to take his medication. You'll only continue to hurt yourself, while doing him no good at all. Understand that his problem is not your problem, unless you're willing to shoulder his burden which is not healthy.
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I should probably leave my libido out of this. It'll really screw my head up. Does you head move? If it moves, then I think your libido will screw with it.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 if you want to go back to that same miserable life with him and his bottle, then by all means, break NC. So you say that encouraging him for what's he's done right is going to ease him back into doing wrong because he's gotten my praise? He'll be comfortable in the situation so he'll go back to his old ways? Is that how it works?
alphamale Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 So you say that encouraging him for what's he's done right is going to ease him back into doing wrong because he's gotten my praise? He'll be comfortable in the situation so he'll go back to his old ways? Is that how it works? basically...yes. He's modifed his behaviour because you modified yours. You dumped him and went into NC so now he's trying to change. Once you go back to the old situation then he will have no motivation to change anymore. Understand?
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 If he really wants to help himself, he needs to join AA and begin to take his medication. You'll only continue to hurt yourself, while doing him no good at all. Understand that his problem is not your problem, unless you're willing to shoulder his burden which is not healthy. This makes a lot of sense. Thank you for spelling it out for me. But where does love come in? My love? The love in my heart that I still feel for him? I was under the assumption (again THAT word) that if you love someone you should show them.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 This makes a lot of sense. Thank you for spelling it out for me. But where does love come in? My love? The love in my heart that I still feel for him? I was under the assumption (again THAT word) that if you love someone you should show them. Then tell him that you love him but can't live with him like this. He needs to get his act together if he wants to be with you, which means, getting medical help and also, getting the coping tools from AA. Btw, you might benefit from Al-Anon. Look into it. It's about learning to understand an alcoholic and how your behaviour empowers his. You have to know when to let go and allow him to take responsibility for his behaviour.
alphamale Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I was under the assumption (again THAT word) that if you love someone you should show them. Ahh but Sting said that if you love someone you should set them free.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 basically...yes. He's modifed his behaviour because you modified yours. You dumped him and went into NC so now he's trying to change. Once you go back to the old situation then he will have no motivation to change anymore. Understand? Yes I do understand this. It's part of the least-work-required philosophy. And it is very easy to fall back into bad habits. But I was more or less thinking that if I offered him a little praise and a little encouragement then maybe that would push him towards the choice of finally starting the Prozac. Just like a card or something saying that I'm proud of him. But not seeing him or anything.
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Ahh but Sting said that if you love someone you should set them free. Not without giving them a proper au revoir, with all the trimmings.
alphamale Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Just like a card or something saying that I'm proud of him. But not seeing him or anything. why do you need to do it this minute? can't you wait a 3 or 4 weeks?
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 why do you need to do it this minute? can't you wait a 3 or 4 weeks? Because he needs the support now. He can't do this by himself, because he doesn't have any hairs on his nutsack.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 why do you need to do it this minute? can't you wait a 3 or 4 weeks? Because this morning, early this morning, he dropped off some containers of mine. He always gets up and out early on the weekends to check the surf but he was like almost an hour earlier than he usually gets moving. Which to me suggests he didn't drink last night. Or else he'd be more sluggish. Tonight is Saturday night and I just don't want him to use my not speaking to him as an excuse to get hammered. Alcoholics use excuses to drink, as was explained to me by a dear LoveShacker. Seeing as I have some power here, I thought that by letting him know his efforts are admired, then maybe it could keep him sober today. That's what the urgency's about.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 He can't do this by himself, because he doesn't have any hairs on his nutsack. Please stop obsessing about my exBF's nutsack. I do it enough for us both.
pelagicsands Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Please stop obsessing about my exBF's nutsack. I do it enough for us both. Oh come on, now. There are enough balls for both of us. Caring is sharing.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 There are enough balls for both of us. No not really. He knows the ones he has aren't satisfying to a girl like me so he needs to grow a new pair.
alphamale Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Seeing as I have some power here, I thought that by letting him know his efforts are admired, then maybe it could keep him sober today. . nope....he's staying sober cause you aren't talking to him. he'll be hittin' the bottle 5 minutes after you contact him.
Author amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 nope....he's staying sober cause you aren't talking to him. he'll be hittin' the bottle 5 minutes after you contact him. What if he uses tonight, the infamous Saturday Night, and my not talking to him as an excuse to drown his sorrows? What if his sadness turns to anger and he adopts an I don't give a sh*t attitude?
alphamale Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 What if he uses tonight, the infamous Saturday Night, and my not talking to him as an excuse to drown his sorrows? What if his sadness turns to anger and he adopts an I don't give a sh*t attitude? well...whatever you've been doing so far (which is nothing) has been working....don't make any changes right now.
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