Falling for a Narcissist...or whatever he is...

[sweetscarlet]

I've posted some of my story before so pardon if some of this is repetitive......

 

I met someone online a few months ago and was supposed to meet him this month when he came to my city for a week for an event. We clicked so well. He said that if I would meet him, he wouldn't contact anyone else in my city to meet. I wasn't sure about him because of he was recently divorced and some other things, but I never gave him the impression that I wouldn' t meet him and we talked everyday (he called or emailed me).

 

He told me he dated others but his words were so endearing when he spoke to me. He talked about our "relationship". He talked about if we clicked how we'd become exclusive, how we could get together after that by meeting in other cities or visiting each other and about how I could eventually meet his child. He wanted to plan a trip with me already and was getting specific about it. He talked about other future things.

 

Then he suddenly became distant and I became insecure. I got frustrated and needy and showed it. This made things worse. But I was already hooked, like he was some friggin' drug.

 

It got to a point where he no longer wants to talk anymore. Then we start emailing again. I told him let's start over and we acted friendly and everything was fine. Then he tells me that he is meeting three other women (from online) when he comes to visit here. I don't give him the reaction that he expects this time. I act perfectly ok with it. He had been corresponding with some all along, plus some new ones after he stopped talking to me.

 

He told me that he didn't know why I would have ever thought that he would be meeting just me. He said how honest he had been from the start by telling me that he dated other people. He wasn't sorry....he's never sorry. He wasn't wrong...he's never wrong. It was all me. I didn't argue it because I knew it was pointless to. I remained pleasant.

 

I wanted to meet him and I did. It went well although he spent most of his time here with the other women doing the things that he and I had planned on doing. I have no doubt that he slept with--or tried to sleep with--all of them. He didn't try to with me and I guess that's as a good thing. I told him that I have detached and he seemed to like that. He wants women who are detached I think. We planned on keeping in touch and maybe getting together. I believe that he is taking one of these other women on the trip that he and I had planned on taking next month.

 

I've been trying to talk to and meet others to forget him and it's not working. I read their emails and they don't compare to the ones that I had with him. I force myself to talk to and meet them anyway but something attracts me to the type of style he had and I keep thinking back to it. He emails were so from the heart and like he was pining for me and how he'd wait forever for me (when I was unsure about him).

 

I've been told more than once that I seem attracted to narcissists. I've read a lot on it and it seems to fit. I'm not sure how to NOT be attracted to them though.

 

Right now, I'd love to have him pursue me again so that I could brush him off. Some will say to just move on but I wouldn't be here if that was the case.

[whichwayisup]

Do not play games with him so you can brush him off - Be glad that right now it seems over -RUN WITH IT and close him out of your life.

 

He doesn't 'feel' anything in his heart...If you still continue ANY sort of friendship with him, you're gonna be living in a fantasy world created inside your head. Don't let feelings for him make you believe or think that HE feels that way towards you.

 

You know what's infront of you, you know what to expect.

 

Get some therapy, not kidding, because if you keep involving yourself and falling inlove with N's, YOUR life is going to be miserable. You gotta learn to SEE the red flags and RUN as soon as you realize who that person is. Think with your head, think long term, not short term and not with your heart.

 

Good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

Agreed. Run like the wind. Narcissists are the worst self-esteem vampires. Don't let him bridge off of you.

[Davis]

Oh!!!! You've got it bad! What you've got, dear, is a player. Yes, like most women, you're attracted to jerks, players, narcissists ..... "dominant" males. You're getting played and you're like a fish on the hook. Women are often very skilled at this same game you described, do the same and get the guys hooked and chasing them.

 

Your ONLY choice with type of guy is to cut your loses now and never look back. Do not tell him that. Do not respond to any of his contacts. Just move on! You're not going to be able to "play" him, so forget about that. You have to learn not to "fall" for these kind of guys and resist your primal instincts or you're going to find yourself with a lot of heart and head aches. There are lots of guys that are a challenge that you will find attractive without being so dangerous like this one. Don't be dumb girl! Toughen up and move on!!!

[sweetscarlet]

Do not play games with him so you can brush him off - Be glad that right now it seems over -RUN WITH IT and close him out of your life.

 

He doesn't 'feel' anything in his heart...If you still continue ANY sort of friendship with him, you're gonna be living in a fantasy world created inside your head. Don't let feelings for him make you believe or think that HE feels that way towards you.

 

You know what's infront of you, you know what to expect.

 

Get some therapy, not kidding, because if you keep involving yourself and falling inlove with N's, YOUR life is going to be miserable. You gotta learn to SEE the red flags and RUN as soon as you realize who that person is. Think with your head, think long term, not short term and not with your heart.

 

Good luck!

 

Ok, but why aren't these other people sounding like he did? (or like other N's I've been involved with did) What is this thing they have that sucks you in?

[sweetscarlet]

Agreed. Run like the wind. Narcissists are the worst self-esteem vampires. Don't let him bridge off of you.

 

How do you know if they're REALLY a narcissist? I mean, he fits a lot of the things that I've read but there are things that I've read about N's that don't fit him at all.

 

And how do you know if it's how a person is or is a result of something that they're going through at the time (such as divorce). Anyway to tell?

[sweetscarlet]

Oh!!!! You've got it bad! What you've got, dear, is a player. Yes, like most women, you're attracted to jerks, players, narcissists ..... "dominant" males. You're getting played and you're like a fish on the hook. Women are often very skilled at this same game you described, do the same and get the guys hooked and chasing them.

 

Your ONLY choice with type of guy is to cut your loses now and never look back. Do not tell him that. Do not respond to any of his contacts. Just move on! You're not going to be able to "play" him, so forget about that. You have to learn not to "fall" for these kind of guys and resist your primal instincts or you're going to find yourself with a lot of heart and head aches. There are lots of guys that are a challenge that you will find attractive without being so dangerous like this one. Don't be dumb girl! Toughen up and move on!!!

 

 

And how do the women get the guys hooked and chasing them?

 

And why can't I play him?

[norajane]

Right now, I'd love to have him pursue me again so that I could brush him off.

 

You already had an opportunity to do that when he came to your city and you knew he was meeting other women. That would have been the perfect time to brush him off. But you chose to meet him anyway, even though you knew he'd be with other women!

 

Odds are, if he pursued you now, you wouldn't brush him off - you'd just dig yourself deeper into your fantasy.

 

You fell for the fantasy, sweet. His 'from the heart' emails were what you fell for, but he was probably sending those same emails to all the other women. He's never going to be that fantasy guy for you - that guy does not exist. This guy is a player and is not going to change. There's nothing you can do to him to 'get even' because he doesn't feel the way you do - he doesn't feel for women; he just uses them.

 

YOU, on the other hand, can change. You can spot the sweet-talking charming narcissists and walk away instead of getting involved.

[Trialbyfire]

How do you know if they're REALLY a narcissist? I mean, he fits a lot of the things that I've read but there are things that I've read about N's that don't fit him at all.

 

And how do you know if it's how a person is or is a result of something that they're going through at the time (such as divorce). Anyway to tell?

Even if he's not a narcissist, is he good for you? Do you want to be one of many women? Don't play with fire, girl. Walk away while you only have first-degree burns.

[norajane]

And how do the women get the guys hooked and chasing them?

 

You have to pick your victims so you know they actually have feelings and care - and you have to not care how you hurt them. You have to be selfish and only care about playing the game and having men, not actually being with someone who you care for and who cares for you.

 

And why can't I play him?

 

You can't because he doesn't care, he never did. He cares nothing about any of those women or you, just what he can get out of you. You can only play people who are emotionally involved, and he is not.

[sweetscarlet]

You already had an opportunity to do that when he came to your city and you knew he was meeting other women. That would have been the perfect time to brush him off. But you chose to meet him anyway, even though you knew he'd be with other women!

 

The reason that I did that was because I made sure that I looked damned GOOD! Get the picture? lol

 

 

You fell for the fantasy, sweet. His 'from the heart' emails were what you fell for, but he was probably sending those same emails to all the other women. He's never going to be that fantasy guy for you - that guy does not exist. This guy is a player and is not going to change. There's nothing you can do to him to 'get even' because he doesn't feel the way you do - he doesn't feel for women; he just uses them.

 

YOU, on the other hand, can change. You can spot the sweet-talking charming narcissists and walk away instead of getting involved.

 

During the time where I was getting angry with him, I told him how he probably sends women all the same emails that he sent me. Then when we started talking again right before he was coming into town, he told me that he had every right to send women the same emails if he wanted to....that he and I hadn't even met yet....etc.....

 

He justifies EVERYTHING.

[sweetscarlet]

You have to pick your victims so you know they actually have feelings and care - and you have to not care how you hurt them. You have to be selfish and only care about playing the game and having men, not actually being with someone who you care for and who cares for you.[/quote/

 

Guess I couldn't be one then.

 

You can't because he doesn't care, he never did. He cares nothing about any of those women or you, just what he can get out of you. You can only play people who are emotionally involved, and he is not.

 

Ok, BUT he does care about attention. It used to bother him when I wouldn't respond. Problem is, then I became to predictable and responded right away all the time.

[sweetscarlet]

Even if he's not a narcissist, is he good for you? Do you want to be one of many women? Don't play with fire, girl. Walk away while you only have first-degree burns.

 

 

You say he's not good FOR ME. Does he treat the other women differently then?

[Trialbyfire]

You say he's not good FOR ME. Does he treat the other women differently then?

If you're dead set on being one of many, that's your choice. You are being played.

[sweetscarlet]

If you're dead set on being one of many, that's your choice. You are being played.

 

But that wasn't my question at all.

 

Anyone else care to answer if he treats all women this way?

[VirtualInsanity]

But that wasn't my question at all.

 

Anyone else care to answer if he treats all women this way?

 

If he's a player and wants something, yes he'll play. Don't know him personally to tell for sure.

[whichwayisup]

Look, you know he's unhealthy for you so why are you even bothering? He isn't relationship material.

 

If you want a fling and some fun, do it and expect NOTHING from him except just that...But, you have feelings for this guy and sure, he may not be a full-on N, but he definately has selfish traits and is a player which means YOU will be hurt.

 

You're wasting energy and time on a guy who couldn't really give a crap about you. It's your choice, but if I were in your shoes I would just disappear from his life.

[Trialbyfire]

But that wasn't my question at all.

 

Anyone else care to answer if he treats all women this way?

Who cares how he treats other women? It's not pertinent. What's pertinent is how he treats you, which is like crap. Get a grip. Move on.

[sweetscarlet]

Who cares how he treats other women? It's not pertinent. What's pertinent is how he treats you, which is like crap. Get a grip. Move on.

 

Well I obviously DO care because I asked the question.

 

You know the people who come on LS and tell people to move on....do you realize that's why LS is here? Because people are having a hard time moving on? If we were able to move on, we wouldn't be here. Telling us too just move on isn't helping us. We (people who ask questions like I have) want to ask our questions and want to hear feedback on them so that maybe we can make sense of it all. "Moving on" doesn't let our minds make sense of it all. It's just dismissing our thoughts and feelings as being trivial.

[VirtualInsanity]

I wanted to meet him and I did. It went well although he spent most of his time here with the other women doing the things that he and I had planned on doing. I have no doubt that he slept with--or tried to sleep with--all of them. He didn't try to with me and I guess that's as a good thing. I told him that I have detached and he seemed to like that. He wants women who are detached I think. We planned on keeping in touch and maybe getting together. I believe that he is taking one of these other women on the trip that he and I had planned on taking next month.

Did what he had to do to keep you.

 

He emails were so from the heart and like he was pining for me and how he'd wait forever for me (when I was unsure about him).

 

No I'm sure they wern't. They were words he KNEW that would work on u. If their from his heart then why is he with a hand full of women? Why not become exclusive?

 

Actually how long has this been going on?

[sweetscarlet]

Did what he had to do to keep you.

 

 

 

No I'm sure they wern't. They were words he KNEW that would work on u. If their from his heart then why is he with a hand full of women? Why not become exclusive?

 

I'm saying that's how his emails seemed and I'm very cynical too so I'm not just saying that. And it could be that AT THAT MOMENT, he was sincere. Unfortunately, I know that type. Sure, they're sincere, but it only lasts for that moment.

 

Well I emailed him when he got back and he responded. I emailed back and have not heard back yet.

[VirtualInsanity]

If you know the type, why r u dealing w/ him?

[norajane]

Anyone else care to answer if he treats all women this way?

 

You don't need us to tell you - you've already answered that question.

 

During the time where I was getting angry with him, I told him how he probably sends women all the same emails that he sent me. Then when we started talking again right before he was coming into town, he told me that he had every right to send women the same emails if he wanted to....that he and I hadn't even met yet....etc.....

 

It went well although he spent most of his time here with the other women doing the things that he and I had planned on doing. I have no doubt that he slept with--or tried to sleep with--all of them.

 

Yes, he treats all women this way.

[Trialbyfire]

Well I obviously DO care because I asked the question.

 

You know the people who come on LS and tell people to move on....do you realize that's why LS is here? Because people are having a hard time moving on? If we were able to move on, we wouldn't be here. Telling us too just move on isn't helping us. We (people who ask questions like I have) want to ask our questions and want to hear feedback on them so that maybe we can make sense of it all. "Moving on" doesn't let our minds make sense of it all. It's just dismissing our thoughts and feelings as being trivial.

In order for people to help you, you have to first admit you have a problem. This is not happening. You're so caught up in his little game and determined to win a prize that doesn't exist.

 

View him with clarity. He's no prize. Even if you win him, you will be the loser. There's rarely any upside with being in a relationship with the extremely selfish.

 

Move on...

[Teddy and Jane]

I don't think you're being played at all...it's just that he's not into you...at all. He's into the women he's doing all those things with he said he was going to do with you. It doesn't even sound like he's attracted to you physically, to be honest.