kellyp1 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Well, I am happy to say that we have not slept together but the emotional tie became so deep that we are fighting now to let go. This has been going on for 9 months now. We spent an hour the other day crying together and knowing we can't go any further. There are too many pieces in the puzzle and too many lives would be hurt by any attempt we make in being together. I am learning to follow the unselfish part of me that wants him to be at peace again and be happy. It is hard a lot of days but I think if you really love someone, you can find a way to let them go and get on with your own life. I have to! Seeing pain in his eyes was like a dagger in my heart and in many ways like looking in a mirror. I want the sadness gone from my own eyes too and to do that I have to accept the marriage and be supportive of his efforts to be happy in it. Wish me luck!
outofdarkness Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Well, I am happy to say that we have not slept together but the emotional tie became so deep that we are fighting now to let go. This has been going on for 9 months now. We spent an hour the other day crying together and knowing we can't go any further. There are too many pieces in the puzzle and too many lives would be hurt by any attempt we make in being together. I am learning to follow the unselfish part of me that wants him to be at peace again and be happy. It is hard a lot of days but I think if you really love someone, you can find a way to let them go and get on with your own life. I have to! Seeing pain in his eyes was like a dagger in my heart and in many ways like looking in a mirror. I want the sadness gone from my own eyes too and to do that I have to accept the marriage and be supportive of his efforts to be happy in it. Wish me luck! Good luck to you and your's..You are doing the right thing and IMO, a very UN selfish thing..It shows that you really do love him!
VirtualInsanity Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Take it a step further and go no contact.
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 a very UN selfish thing..It shows that you really do love him! I agree...But if you truely wish him well in his marriage - As painful as it may be for you - You gotta close the door and move on - Go no contact and let him focus on his marriage. He can't do that if you're still in his life, even as a friend or if you chat with him once in a while. It has to be nothing..
Tomcat33 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Kellyp - you may be happy to say that you never slept together but the emotional bond you have created is far more dangerous than had you just slept together. The instensity of what you are feeling right now is so strong, I dare say possibly stronger than what you would feel once the affair gets on its way, that going back to your respective lives as you are feeling is going to be counter productive. Your emotions will be higtehened by your thoughts, and they will be consumed by one another to the point of neglecting your respective lives while being physically there. whatever you assume was "missing" or making you feel unhappy in your current lives will seem even more negative in comparisson to the fantasy of what "awaits" on the outside. An EA that goes on for 9moths is EXTREMELY dangerous. Mentally speaking you are done for. I recomment therapy ASAP you may think you can do it alone but it might prove to be impossibe....and only push you further into making more mistakes. While NC may be a good suggestion NC itself is not the answer. Once the emotional tie has already been fromed, NC and trying to move on might only draw you both deeper into the fantasy preventig you from depostiting your attention where it is due, your current marriages/relationships. Your mind has proven to be your own worst enemy, it allowed you to have an EA for 9 months so how can you count on it to get you through NC? The key right now, IMO, is to seek some profssional help and I suggest he does too.
Beenthruit Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 NC "may" be the best. If you are sincere about helping the OM so he can move on I would be as cruel as you can with him. Don't tell him you are doing this because you love him!!!!! Be as HARSH as you can possibly be and tell him you want nothing to do with him. Make up stuff if you have to. Otherwise, his mind will only love you more for what you've done.
Author kellyp1 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 but I have become part of his career and friends with the family so just going NC would actually be a really big deal and require an explanation. I know it is going to be a hard painful battle to pull off remaining in each others lives, but we have to try. Although we can take some time apart, there are a few times a month where we have to be in contact. And at the end of the day, we did not take it to the next step to try to salvage a friendship from all this so I want to at least give it the college try. It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but I know that other people out there had to have done it. I have never been one to give up and walk away from any friend of mine. Life is too short to lose a friendship when both people are willing to work to maintain the status quo. I love him enough to support him as a friend for the rest of his/my life. That means bringing a gift to the baby shower when his wife is pregnant and meaning it when I say I am happy for them (they do not have any kids, just a hypothetical), spending time with them as a couple and not alone time with him, the whole banana. If I really love him, I have to be able to do this. And if he or I can't, I have to be ready to walk away and never look back.
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