sick of it Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 So its been quite a while since Ive been here. Its nice to see some familiar avatars and user names still lurking. Its been kind of a wierd week so Ive found myself back here. Ive been doing pretty well, teaching for the past 7 months at my old high school and making a name for myself in the community. This week was my spring vacation. My usual schedule is hectic between teaching, rehearsing, and gigging. Gone from usually 6:30am-9pm everyday. This week everything came to a standstill. I sat around everyday. I got bored...very bored. My gf of 5.5yrs broke up with me about 2 years ago. As some of you know, I had a very rough time with it as you can see from prior threads. Once I got a hold of my emotions and went back to school, things got better very quickly. Then I got this job and everything has been great... However, this week I got this overwhelming feeling of lonliness. I never had it before. Ive been happy, even though alone, single, Ive had no interest in a relationship being so busy with work. Ive been completely content and happy on my own...honest! This week though, Ive found myself thinking of my ex a lot. Dreams, thoughts, the works. And wouldnt you know it, yesterday i ran into her. Ive talked to her multiple times and told her Im fine with everything now...and I was. But this week has thrown me for a loop. When I saw her yesterday, I pretty much dismissed her. She gave me a big hello with a smile as I was walking by and I just gave a quick wave back and kept going. Shes told me many times that Im very important to her and how she wants to be friends. But I dont trust her. As much as I still love her (and I do, I always will), can you trust someone who broke your heart...is it possible? I have not dated anyone since this break up. I have not had any booty calls nothing like that, Im not like that. I havent had any serious interest in anyone. Ive done a lot of thinking about it and I find that the idea of a relationship gets me angry. I dont trust women...I dont trust anyone when it comes to a relationship. It seems futile to enter a relationship with someone when one of you can just toss it away, when they can say things they dont mean, when they can lead you on or deceive you. It bothers me that I feel as though people arent honest. Does that ever get better? Does that ever go away? Id love to meet someone, Id love to enjoy someones company...but Im always wondering what theyre really thinking.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 All relationships are a gamble to some extent. There are no guarantees of winning the jackpot. Right now you're not willing to gamble with your heart. The loneliness has been clouded through a busy lifestyle. It was probably there but you didn't have time to dwell on it, which is a good thing. Summer is coming on quickly and those feelings may return. Many exes want to remain friends but I think that is unrealistic many times. It is easier for the one leaving to assimilate into friendship mode, but those left behind have a lot of catching up to do before a friendship is possible. That can take a long time, often until both parties have moved along to other relationships. Sometimes even a friendship can be toxic to our minds and hearts. Mistrusting an entire gender is pretty unfair if you think about that with your logical mind. You may not be ready yet, may not have fully healed, but for most people the time comes when you are willing to put your heart back on the craps table of love. You'll get there.
Author sick of it Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 Thank you for the response DDL...I do want to say though...I mispoke in my original post. Its not that I dont trust women...I mispoke...I dont trust relationships. The concept of it. Not that that changes anything you said. I used to be the guy that wanted marriage and kids and you know...the life. But the concept of a relationship now bothers me. Summer is coming and I do expect these feelings to return...something Im not looking forward to. But yes, youre right, its a gamble and I must not be ready....I just want to be.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Thank you for the response DDL...I do want to say though...I mispoke in my original post. Its not that I dont trust women...I mispoke...I dont trust relationships. The concept of it. Not that that changes anything you said. I used to be the guy that wanted marriage and kids and you know...the life. But the concept of a relationship now bothers me. Summer is coming and I do expect these feelings to return...something Im not looking forward to. But yes, youre right, its a gamble and I must not be ready....I just want to be. I don't trust marriage ( the concept of it) as a two time loser, so I'm only a step ahead of you. It's probably more about living together 7 days a week than it is about marriage, even. I'm a bit torn about relationship issues myself, as you can see. Meanwhile, I'm in a lovely relationship (2.5 years) and don't honestly know if either of us will ever be able to make the "next step" jump. One day I think we'll be fine based on the overall healthiness of us together, the next day I'm terrified that that healthiness might erode if we were living together. The fact that you want to trust again (as I do) is what I see as important. The rest will happen when it's supposed to. When you want to share your life and accomplishments with someone special who also wants to share hers with you. When you find someone that has similar interests and goals, and who compliments (not provides) your overall happiness. That is definitely an attainable goal for most of us, but we have to be ready to accept the gift when it presents itself, otherwise we may not recognize the gift at all. You're at least half way there, and that half of the journey is the hardest one to travel.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Some good advice from ddl. I've just been through a marriage with a serial cheater so I understand how you can mistrust a relationship. How I'm choosing to address the mistrust is to not have one until I'm ready for it. But...I'm dating lightly without any strings attached, including muddying it with sex. Rebound relationships aren't my thing. The light dating is a slow form of getting back onto the horse after being bucked and galloped all over. You can't continue to live the rest of your life with the fear of being hurt again, otherwise you stunt your ability for personal growth and happiness.
djkensai Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Why don't you trust her? It didn't seem implied by sick of it's post that he was cheated on. Am I missing something?
bendit Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I am glad you are reaching out again, SOI. You broke up two years ago and here you are, once more calling upon the the LS "coping" board for support. I am sorry about this. It's really simple SOI. Its because you are still in contact with her. I told you this a long long time ago that if you remained in contact you will remain in pain. If you were able to go complete no contact you would have been 98% healed after about a year. 100% after two. But no contact was not for you. You wanted to remain "great friends". The result is you are still asking for support, two years after your breakup. You don't trust because, due to the cumulative effects of contact with X, you are periodically reminded of the failure of the relationship with your "one and only", and how she disappointed you. You can heal yourself, but unfortunately, you won't take the cure. I do see signs in your post, however, that you may be ready to go 100% no contact. I hope you choose this path. regards
Author sick of it Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Oh bendit... Good to hear from you. I did the NC thing...which is why I got so much better. However, contact with her is necessary due to the fact that both of our respective best friends are marrying each other and we're both in the wedding party. Now, to you, this is going to seem like a post of excuses. Its not. I believe it was bad timing in the fact that I was feeling lonley and I ran into her. Over the past year, I have NEVER called or emailed her. Everytime contact is made, its been her. I havent wanted to remain "best friends". So Ive never pursued it. Its been her. Now...will no contact cure everyone...yes. Plain and simple. However, not driving will also prevent car accidents. Does that mean that we should all turn in our keys? No. Maybe it means we need to learn how to drive better and make better decisions on the road....just a thought. Im past the NC thing. Again, when I have talked to her in the past, its been fine. This week was just bad timing. Its like feeling lonely and seeing a couple affectionatley holding hands. It makes a you a little more down. The real issue is trusting another relationship. Maybe it means Im still angry. And when i saw her, it brought up the anger and emphasized the mistrust...of her, which translates into relationships.
leeharvey Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I've been hurt really badly but i know that there's a girl out there that has the maturity, openess, honesty and respect that i hold as moral values and i know that together we will trust each other as an unspoken understanding. When its right, its right. I just need to find her! lol
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