beangirl46 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Everyone, Help!! There's a guy I've gone on some dates with/hooked up with (no sex though). I've developed a massive crush and have emailed him everyday for a week with long emails. I've gone nuts. I mostly talk casually about this and that. But then I vamped it up and began talking about him and my feelings/some steamy talk. He responded only a couple times, and very briefly, and mostly only to my professional queries. After my first long email, he said "thanks for the email. . . fun reading it" cordially, but now he's stopped responding. I know I"ve gone nuts, and too far. And it feels horrible when someone is not responding! I'm suddenly embarassed, as well as anxious. I have exams coming up too. How do I get out of this emotional pit I've dug myself into? Not only do I have to stop writing to him, but I have to "get over" him. I wish he'd just email/call me and reject me so I could stop wondering what's going on! Can anyone offer solace, or advice, or anything???? -Bean Girl
sweetscarlet Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 So sorry to hear what you're going through right now. It's painful. You want a reaction...any reaction. You'd rather have a bad response than no response at all. I totally understand that. But if you get a bad response, you'll feel pretty bad afterwards so you need to get yourself to stop. I would totally stop and then maybe several days from now you can send him a joke but that's it...nothing added to it. At least then, you'll look casual and if he doesn't respond to it, then at least you can go out of it just looking like you were being friendly. When you feel the urge to email tell yourself how it's just going to make things worse and how you'll feel much worse afterwards. It might feel good at the moment but after that, it won't feel good at all. Try to start socializing with others as well even if you're just going through the motions. Email is a great invention but it also can be a big temptation for those who just want to hear SOMETHING. Because of this, far too many people have regretted far too many emails. Try to remember....less is more.
Author beangirl46 Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 Thanks sweetscarlet! So good to read, and so helpful. Gosh, I feel like such a fool. I feel like a person waking up in the morning after being drunk the night before, and who is regretting everything she did that night.
sweetscarlet Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 If you have to, put a note on your computer that says: "Don't email him, it will just push him further away!" The way you acted---and many of us have acted---is caused by anxiety. We'll do anything to relieve that anxiety. Once you send the e-mail, you're anxiety is relieved.....you feel calmer. But then, when you don't get the expected response, depression sets in and the anxiety builds up again, this time even stronger and the pattern repeats itself...again and again. That's why you have to stop it....because it's not an effective solution. It's just makes the anxiety worse as time goes on. This pattern is even worse in those who are already depressive to begin with or have low self-esteem to begin with. To those people, the anxiety is 10x greater. That's why it's important to try to make yourself stronger as a person in order to deal with these types of things.
oppath Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I agree. I am a depressive and have often struggled with anxiety. Sometimes it gets to be too much. This has led me to overreact, or react at all, towards a couple of ex's. I know the response I desire, and not getting it is painful. So I'll push for it; I'll express anger, I'll express remorse, I'll express casual vibes...all I want is a reaction, ANY reaction, but mostly, I have the perfect response from her in my head, and I want to hear it, I need to hear it. At least that is how I feel. And the perfect response isn't "I want you back," it's a simple affirmation of worth and wish of well luck and expression that if we run into each other, we can certainly be friendly with each other. My situation is different in that I was abused as a kid, so when my ex asked to be friends with benefits 1.5 weeks after she dumped me, it brought back all those old feelings of worthlessness and shame, that someone who was supposed to love and care for me didn't. I'd express anger, rightfully so. I didn't get the apology or affirmation of worth I needed. I'd express anger again. I'd apologize. Nothing gave me what I wanted. Now I know: the best response is no response. On the other hand, sometimes you take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's ok to take that step back every now and then, as long as you don't beat yourself up too hard for it. It's not really that big of a deal. Just don't give in to the anxiety now. Recognize it is a temporary relief. Give yourself a reward -- when you have the urge to contact -- go 2 whole days and see if it has passed, and if you go that long, take yourself out to dinner!
Author beangirl46 Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 Thank you oppath-- also an enormously helpful post with great advice. I think your strategy for laying off the emails are helpful, and your suggestion that I shouldn't be too hard on myself for going nuts this 1 week is also. Perhaps I wasn't quite as nutty as I think-- though maybe 1 or 2 moments were. Your post also made me wonder if my past experiences account for my current anxious emailing. Now that I think about it, I never used to anxiously email like this-- I've always been pretty controlled. Until my late teenage years/early 20s when I had my first "relationship" (with an older guy who didn't treat me very well)-- that's when I first did crazy email antics. I wonder how much of my current behavior is dictated by the insecurities/pain of my past. Then again, maybe I am just making a big deal of the past, and my brief week of craziness is kind of normal. I think I am also taking out the intense stress of law school on this situation, to a certain extent. And I think that's somewhat obvious from my emails, and that kind of embarasses me (i.e. that's it may be evident I'm taking work stress out on him). In any case, I'm back to control. . . for now. Thanks for your help!
Author beangirl46 Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 Sweet Scarlet, I think putting a note on my computer that says "don't email him, you will lose/push hiim further away" is a phenomenal idea. I just wrote 2 notes to myself on hot pink stickies and stuck them to the monitor. I am frustrated at the idea that I already lost him through my crazy emails this week. I am frustrated that that was all it might take to lose him. If that's all it takes, where could this possibly go? Anyway, at the moment, I feel pretty fine with letting this situation go completely and moving on to other things.
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