NC and time REALLY does work!

[Tormented]

Hey guys...for those of you that know my long, strung-out story, you're aware of the horrible betrayal and pain I've been dealt and the hell I've been through as a result. For the past 8 months I have agonized over this...did all the "whys" and "hows" and "what ifs." Did all the days (and nights) of obsessing, the insomnia, the lack of appetitie, the feelings of hopelessness, the anger, the deep depression - the whole nine yards.

 

I honestly thought I'd NEVER get over this, that I'd be "faking" a smile for the world while crying on the inside. I was beginning to believe that this would be a permanent state for me...that life (pre-HIM) was forever gone and happiness would remain nothing more that a fleeting wish.

 

BUT - something happened a few days ago that has me smiling ear to ear right now as I type this. Most of you familiar with my story know that my ex is a log trucker, and shortly after our breakup, he deliberately drove by me on a daily basis, smiling and waving as he did, leaving me in a heap of pain and anger. I always came home and cried afterwards.

 

Saw him again a few days ago. The loggers are out and on the go again, my ex amongst them, of course. And once again, he drove right by me...smiling and waving as he always did. But THIS time, I felt very little. In fact, my only thought was - "Oh hell, here we go again." No pain, no sorrow, no regrets, no anger, no tears....no nothing. So far, I've seen him twice this week and my suprising response was the same both times.

 

Strange to look at a man that I was so very much in love with, who tore my heart completely out of my chest with his cruel betrayal, who was the object of my every thought, the cause of my several tears, whom I once wanted to marry and spend the remainder of my life with, whom I firmly believed was my life partner and couldn't see my life without him...and suddenly feel nothing.

 

Except, it wasn't "suddenly." Gradually, over the span of 8 months, I have moved on and didn't even realize it. Sometimes, we think we're stuck in one place, that we aren't progressing forward, that we'll NEVER get over this man/woman. And then....BAM. It hits you. You've moved on, your heart is free, you begin to entertain other thoughts other than him/her, that your life is sailing along fine WITHOUT them. But more importantly, that you're going to be just fine.

 

For me, that realization came when I looked straight at him and felt nothing. I had no idea I had progressed this far...to a place I thought I'd NEVER reach. And you know what? It feels damn good.

 

I made it. I survived.

 

Listen people...ONLY time (sometimes a lot of it) and strict NC will help you to move on. It's not easy and it's a loooong progress, especially so when you're in deep pain, but eventually...you WILL recover and move on.

 

The heart is an incredibly stubborn thing, but it is also a strong, resilient tool that WILL heal and love again. It will NOT break despite the brutal blow it is dealt, but it will cry out in anguish, in sorrow, and even fury. That is the first step to recovery, and the most painful step of them all. And if you can endure it, hang in there, give the heart the time it needs, in return it will flourish and allow love entrance once more. It will see you through, but you've GOT to give it TIME.

 

For 8 months now, I've read about NC and time on this board over and over again. But my pain wouldn't allow me to believe that I'd ever reach the place I am now...a state of liberation.

 

I will never forget my ex or the times and love we once shared. Those memories are a part of me, of who I am. But now - I can reach back to those memories WITHOUT the pain, anger or tears.

 

And I can thank strict NC and time for that.

 

And you will too....

 

~T~

[jusified]

Good work T,

 

Lets hope we all find someone that will love us as much as we love them.

It is really good to hear that you are doing really well

 

Good luck to anyone else who isgoing through the initial break up process. There is a better place at the end of the tunnle.

[littlebopeep]

Its been 8 months for me too tormented,and like you i never thought i would ever get over it.4.5 years of my life with him and deeply in love or so i thought.He gave me no indication he was going to break up with me,he was the same that day as he always had been,very loving and telling me his life would be nothing without me.

 

I was asked out on so many dates,even by some of his friends but i loved him so much i couldnt/wouldnt move on just in case he realised he had made a huge mistake.(How many of us have thought the same thing lol).

 

I couldnt date because it wouldnt be fair to the other person so i chose to be on my own and spend time on myself/with friends etc.I always said i would never ignore my ex i couldnt be like that so odd times we spoke on msn,just about everyday things but then i found that at times he blocks me which hurt me alot,why on earth would he do that?

 

Im glad now i found out because it made me realise i dont really know him at all.the person i spent 4.5 years with would never do that.I dont want him back anymore and im ready to move on.Ive just had my 1st date with a gorgeous man and we got on fantastically.Its early days but im loving the fact that im not stuck in limbo anymore.

 

I was a good g/friend to him as im sure you were to your ex,their loss.Im glad you are moving on,i hope you meet some1 fantastic and that if some1 mentions your ex you say "who".Good luck im glad things are getting better for you.

[polywog]

Great Post! I am in the earlier stages of getting over my ex (broke up in January, suddenly). This was also someone I thought was it, and I lost my home and him. I have strong days and bad ones, lately some bad ones, and your post has made me feel better.

 

It mirrors a conversation I had yesterday with a co-worker. He, like me, lost his love and his home that he thought he'd be in the rest of his life, and was replaced immediately by another. He was devastated and said he cried for months and couldn't bear to see happy couples on the street. Then he said that he woke up one day months and months later and realized he was healed, like you are. We talked about how the pain seems to be a necessary part of healing that we must just go through.

 

Anyhow, thanks for that great post :bunny:

[noematicSinn]

That is a good post. Thank you for sharing with us, and good luck on your new adventures.

[sweetest_taboo]

Thank you for that post

Very inspiring and encouraging for those of us going through the healing process. Even after just 7weeks of NC, i know I'm going to cope well and that time heals all wounds, even the deepest. Nice one, Tormented.

[Davis]

Good for you Tormented! :) Now you have to change your name!! That's really great for you. Now you can tell others on here that they will survive and they will be ok. I know it seems like you'll never get over your broken heart. I was with my ex for 6 mo (I know, not long compared to many of you on LS). After about 2.5 mo of NC, something shifted in my thinking. I no longer cared. I actually ran into her and her new bf two weeks ago at the local bar and I couldn't have given a sh**t! They seemed nervous and stayed at the other side of the place. It was an odd and great feeling to not have my heart pounding! I was a bit surprised by the shift. Now I totally understand that she is a loser (as well as a cheater and a liar) and her new bf is a loser too. They deserve each other. Man, do they!! Time gives you great perspective on the truth! Good luck!!

 

For those of you on here that were dumped, stick with NC. Yes, it's tough. But it is the best course to getting over someone and keep the knife from continuing to stick you in the heart. You will go through lots of pain, disbelief, anger, sorrow and many emotions and that's all normal. I know you may cry all the time and you think you're going to die. It's terrible and I totally empathize with you if you're in that position. You WILL get through it and get over it ... I promise! Remember that old adage: time heals all wounds. Hang in there!!

[Freedom Now]

I feel just as you do, Tormented.

 

He means NOTHING to me now.

 

Amazing...

[dropdeadlegs]

Tormented,

 

When I first came to LS your story was one I read (I remember him being a logger most.) I'm so glad that you have found peace, and thank you for posting an uplifting post that could mean so much to those who are currently in the early stages of breakup and/or NC.

 

I had never heard of NC before coming here, but I had inadvertently practiced it more than once not knowing how much good came form it. When I read about it as a way of coping and of healing, I immediately knew it's benefits.

 

So, are you now ready to open your heart to a new chapter in the possibility of love?

[underpants]

Awe Tor,

 

Good to see you letting go of a very unheathly situation.

 

Heartbreak, sometimes, if we are intuitive enough, brings wisdom.

 

That is a great feeling to know, for yourself, that someone or some situation, no longer affects you...very empowering. I am glad you have found this place. It sounds like you have risen above and fully detached from someone else's agony and have realized that you did the absolute best you could do. Now, embrace this new place and wisdom to empower you to make better choices in the future. (note to self....)

 

You go girl.

[Tormented]

Good work T,

 

Lets hope we all find someone that will love us as much as we love them.

It is really good to hear that you are doing really well

 

Thanks, Justified. It's been a painful, looooong road to recovery - but I made it through, thank God!

 

Not a road I care to ever travel again, but then, none of us do.

 

And yes, I hope we all meet somebody worthy of our love as well.

 

Where have you been lately???

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Its been 8 months for me too tormented,and like you i never thought i would ever get over it.4.5 years of my life with him and deeply in love or so i thought.He gave me no indication he was going to break up with me,he was the same that day as he always had been,very loving and telling me his life would be nothing without me.

 

I was asked out on so many dates,even by some of his friends but i loved him so much i couldnt/wouldnt move on just in case he realised he had made a huge mistake.(How many of us have thought the same thing lol

 

Hey Peep...good on you for taking the responsibility to KNOW you weren't ready to date and risk hurting an innocent party who had nothing to do with your pain.

 

I think, in most cases, rushing out and dating before you are ready is a HUGE mistake. For you, but more importantly, for those who will ultimately get hurt when you aren't ready for a relatioship.

 

It's very tempting to find comfort in the arms of another when you're in pain, but it's also very unfair to the innocent party and very selfish of you. Naw, best lick your wounds on your own, for however long it takes, BEFORE you seek another partner. It's the hard way, yes, but the best and most effective way.

 

I wasn't with my ex for as long as you were with yours, but it has taken me this long (8 months) to fully heal. Sometimes, I don't think it's the length of time spent in a relationship that determines how long the healing process will take as much as it is the nature of the beakup itself...if there was betrayal, abuse, cheating, etc. And of course, how intense the relationship itself was. It's damn hard to recover from being blindsided, as you and I were, but it's NOT impossible.

 

But hey...you and I are living proof that there IS life after the ex, that there IS a light at the end of this seemingly dark and loooong tunnel.

 

Chin up, girl.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Great Post! I am in the earlier stages of getting over my ex (broke up in January, suddenly). This was also someone I thought was it, and I lost my home and him. I have strong days and bad ones, lately some bad ones, and your post has made me feel better

 

Take heart, Poly. I know my telling you that things will get better seems like nothing more than meaningless lip work right now. I know it feels as though you will NEVER recover from this, will never again have a moment where he isn't preoccupying your thoughts, nor will you ever know the happiness you once had pre-him and while you were with him. I know you fear being stuck in this state of perpetual pain, and you see no end to it. I completely understand where you now are...and it sucks.

 

But I do want you to know that I've been there, and am quite a ways up from you on this road to recover, so I'm glad I can shout back at those behind me who have just begun their journey with news that there really IS a better place at the end of it. You just got to keep pushing on...easier said than done, I know.

 

Expect some "bad" days along the way. Expect tears to fall. Expect days of depression, of sadness, of regrets. Expect days of reminiscing about the "good times" while blocking out the "bad times." Expect days of hopelessness and despair. Expect to take two steps back for your one step forward. But please try to keep in mind, that although this is a very painful process, it is a necessary one to completely heal.

 

Do this, and expect a full recovery that will free you from the pain you now feel.

 

And believe me, I don't say this lightly. I was an absolute mess. Just ask those that have been on this board for any period of time. I splattered this board with 300 plus posts about the agony of my pain. Thank God we have some very patient and understanding people here, because they nursed me through every inch of the way.

 

But after it has all been said and done, I felt the need to bring word that there really IS a light at the end, and the heart DOES survive.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

That is a good post. Thank you for sharing with us, and good luck on your new adventures.

 

Thank you, Sinn.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Even after just 7weeks of NC, i know I'm going to cope well and that time heals all wounds, even the deepest. Nice one, Tormented.

 

Absolutely you will, Sweetest. Wasn't always true, but today I can say that with confidence.

 

Just keep posting here, there are a lot of good people that can help you through this.

 

Me included.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Good for you Tormented! :) Now you have to change your name!! That's really great for you. Now you can tell others on here that they will survive and they will be ok. I know it seems like you'll never get over your broken heart. I was with my ex for 6 mo (I know, not long compared to many of you on LS). After about 2.5 mo of NC, something shifted in my thinking. I no longer cared. I actually ran into her and her new bf two weeks ago at the local bar and I couldn't have given a sh**t! They seemed nervous and stayed at the other side of the place. It was an odd and great feeling to not have my heart pounding!

 

Davis...I have to laugh everytime I read your motto..."I'm not Captain-save-a-ho!"

 

Isn't strange how we were absolutely consumed with pain over our exes..thinking they were the "all and everything" in our lives, only to wake up one morning (or so it seems that way) to find that they've been left in our dust? For months we agonized, believing that our lives, our happiness was over without them in it? That they were absolutely the ONE for us? That there could never be any happiness, laughter...or God forbid, another LOVE in our life? And we were desperate for answers, to know what they were thinking, what they were doing...and with WHOM. All we wanted was them back in our life, and nothing else matters. Remember that?

 

And then one day you realize they are but a ghost from the past. A trigger of some sort...perhaps seeing them and feeling NOTHING, as you and I did. Perhaps hearing a song that use to remind you of them, or that the two of you shared suddenly brings no tears, no sorrow, no nothing. Perhaps coming across an item they gave you, or a letter they wrote, or a picture together fails to incite the pain or remourse it once did. And suddenly, you realize that you truly are over them...that you have moved on. That you have survived, that your life has indeed gone on. And here lately, when you laugh...you actually MEAN it. The world once again has color in it, the idea of love with another becomes very plausible and welcomed, and your interests shift to other things and people.

 

That's not to say that you won't forget the pain they caused you. And really, it shouldn't. Because to forget is to repeat the same mistake. And this mistake no longer causes you pain, it has taught you a lesson. And THAT'S the state everybody here is striving to get to.

 

As I said earlier, I will never forget the love and times I shared with my ex. We had some wonderful, loving times together and I treasure them. Only difference now is...I can think back to those times without the anger, pain or tears.

 

And now...I'm ready to move on to the next chapter.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I feel just as you do, Tormented.

 

He means NOTHING to me now.

 

Amazing...

 

AMEN to that, Freedom!

 

Feels good, doesn't it?

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Tormented,

 

When I first came to LS your story was one I read (I remember him being a logger most.) I'm so glad that you have found peace, and thank you for posting an uplifting post that could mean so much to those who are currently in the early stages of breakup and/or NC.

 

I had never heard of NC before coming here, but I had inadvertently practiced it more than once not knowing how much good came form it. When I read about it as a way of coping and of healing, I immediately knew it's benefits.

 

So, are you now ready to open your heart to a new chapter in the possibility of love?

 

LOL...Oh Lordy, Legs - there was no way you could miss my thread! I belly-ached 300 pages worth! :::laughing:::

 

I'm suprised you continued to come here after reading that semi-novella of ranting and boo-hooing! :::laughing again:::

 

But after the hell and back road I've been on, I wanted to share with those struggling with a breakup that there really IS a light at the end. And coming from me, a hard-core damsel in distress, that's saying something!

 

I agree with you, NC is the ONLY way to go - regardless of the outcome you wish to achieve. If there is any hope of reconciliation, NC certainly betters those chances. However, if a reconciliation isn't possible, NC is the ONLY way to heal properly. Either way, it's a win-win situation. But it isn't easy, not by a long shot. Then again, anything worth striving for in life isn't easy.

 

Am I ready for a new love? Yes, I am. But only with the right man. I'm in no hurry.

 

I've been dating but nothing has sparked my juices just yet. Just went out with a guy who owns a plane, and although we had a good time, the chemistry just wasn't there (for me, anyway). He was very polite, very nice, but I just didn't feel "it." And this time, it has nothing to do with lingering feelings for my ex (THAT is gone), but rather...just not a man I found interesting.

 

But at least I know that should a man who DOES ignite my fire enter the picture, I am free to pursue a relationship with him.

 

And I'm ready!!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

It sounds like you have risen above and fully detached from someone else's agony and have realized that you did the absolute best you could do. Now, embrace this new place and wisdom to empower you to make better choices in the future. (note to self....)

 

You go girl.

 

Thank you, Pants.

 

Isn't it crazy how long it takes for a cloud to lift to enable you clear vision? And when it does, you take a good look at reality and say...."WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???"

 

I guess the one thing I'm grateful for, outside of breaking free from the ties I had with him, is the fact that I resisted his laughable attempts to reconcile, and by doing so, retained my self-respect, dignity and pride. If those very important elements stay intact, you will find peace with yourself and with your future endeavors.

 

He betrayed me, but I didn't betray myself...and that's very important.

 

The tables have turned, and now it is HIM who is left with a broken heart.

 

I wish him no harm or bad karma, in fact, I wish him well.

 

Perhaps he too learned a valuable lessen from all of this and won't repeat it. I know I won't!!

 

~T~

[dropdeadlegs]

I agree with you, NC is the ONLY way to go - regardless of the outcome you wish to achieve. If there is any hope of reconciliation, NC certainly betters those chances. However, if a reconciliation isn't possible, NC is the ONLY way to heal properly. Either way, it's a win-win situation. But it isn't easy, not by a long shot. Then again, anything worth striving for in life isn't easy.

Yes, ma'am, I have used NC successfully in both reconciliation and healing. More for healing, but my current relationship of 2.5 years was the first where reconciliation was the outcome. He never did anything wrong, he simply wasn't ready for me (us) after a lengthy (6 year) relationship with another. He needed to heal from that before continuing with us.

 

We had 7 weeks of what I saw as perfection. Then he revealed his lingering feelings for another after running into her at a store. This was followed by a month of shock on my part, constantly trying to "win" the competition. Finally I let go while making my interest plainly clear. I gave him the space he needed to work through his dilemma on his own without input from me, and apparently her. Two and a half months later he was mine, all mine, without any ghosts from the past to interfere. It was so hard not to maintain contact, but when he broke through, I was absolutely certain that he was completely available.

 

NC is not always as kind, but as you stated, it is always a win/win situation no matter what the outcome.

 

If we break up tomorrow, I know that NC is the only path for me. Tons of tears and heartache, but still the only path.

[Davis]

Haha! I think I changed my signature after reading your thread and knowing that I had gotten over her and changed. You might remember, it used to say "I'm not Captain America, I'm Captain save-a-ho!" I'm no longer interested in saving-a-ho. If I come across a ho now, I just move on. So, just for fun, I had to change my signature to "I am Captain America, not Captain save-a-ho!"

 

[Trialbyfire]

Good to hear unTormented.

 

I look forward to the day that my ex will no longer have ANY impact on my life. I moved on once but made the mistake of trying to help him move on and got sucked back into his neediness. Big mistake on my part and not one I plan to make again.

 

Sounds like you're ready for the next adventure in your life. Good luck.

[krzr]

im on the third month of no contact sometimes its easy and sometimes its the hardest thing ever but eventually i hope to get to a point where im just fine.