Ruby Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Hi guys ........ I have been dating my guy for 10 months now, and it has been an intense 10 months. He has been with me through a really bad times with my ex and he fluctuates from being really supportive to making matters worse as when it suits him Let me first say he is a really nice guy who is loving and kind and always tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I have a few problems that I want to ask about I feel like we are an old married couple - We have gone from going out alot to staying in alot (due to no babysitter and no money) with me cooking dinner, watching tv and falling asleep - Sex is starting to get boring and the same old same and none of us seem to be making the effort. I feel like I have let him into my life 100% and yet when his kids come down every 2 weeks I am thrown out like yesterdays rubbish - He still hasnt introudced me to his 5 yr old as he says he is too young and may get upset. he has intruduced me to his 2 olders kids. I feel like sometimes things are great and other times things are like we have been together years - Sometimes when he comes around I sit in the living room watching tv and he sits in the bedroom watching football. Tonight my son had a friend over to stay - My boyfriend was asleep on the bed and my friend phoned me in a state - She asked if I could go somewhere with her for half an hour - I woke up the b/f and told him I had to pop somewhere local with my friend and could he listen out for the boys (they are not babies there is no minding of them) He wakes up and says "why are you going out at this time (11pm), I may as well be at home" I ask what he is talking about as I will be half an hour and he was alseep anyway (all he had to do was lay there) He said "well hurry up as I am going to go home when you get back" (He WAS going to be staying the night) i cannot see his problem so I say "Just go home now I wont go with my friend" He gets up and walks out of the house half asleep. I never ask him for anything and if the situation was reversed with HIS kids I woukld have said "Go out I will watch the kids" I feel like he is not emotionally reliable - He gets moody over really silly things and I feel he does not give me continual support. He gets the hump over something, wont talk about it, denies there is a problem, doesnt call for 2/3 days and THEN he calls and wants to discuss the problem. I tell him how I feel and he agrees with me and then things are fine for a while until the next time. By the way he has loads of good points I just need to get my head around his communication problems - we have discussed this before and he has told me he is not good at dealing with arguments so he goes and thinks for a few days so he does not say anything he shouldnt. I am starting to think about whether to stay with him - I was in a real bad relationship before him that lasted 14 years and I found it hard to leave my ex as he started to manipulate and control my thoughts and feelings. When I look back on my ex I realise we should have split after 6 months together - I am thinking about if I should get out NOW before I get in too deep! Help!
sweetscarlet Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 He sounds a bit immature to me....the part about getting up to go home that night. It sounds like he is ok taking care of his kids but not yours and that can be a source of a lot of future problems. As far as you not meeting the five year old, I don't think that's such a big deal. It's not like he's keeping you from his kids altogether since you've met the other two. I have to admit, at least he's being protective. Maybe you interpret it as him not being serious about you and that is what bothers you about it. His communication problems need a lot of work. You say that after a few days, he agrees with what you say and things are fine again. Things aren't really fine again, Ruby. He ACTS like things are fine again just to keep the peace. But since things never get resolved, they keep on happening again and again and they will until he learns how to deal with things directly. It sounds like he can't deal with things directly, and, unless he's willing to work on that, you'll have these same problems with him over and over again. You're coming here asking us whether or not you should stay with him. The fact that you're asking this tells me that you already have an idea of what you want to do. I think you want to end it but I think you want a push in that direction. I think you stayed in your previous relationship because you didn't have someone to give you the push to leave it sooner and you're looking for that now. No one can give you that push though. It has to come from you and you'll make the right choice when you're ready to.
mattea Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 hey ruby, sorry it's kind of rocky with you guys. sounds like you have a few things you're concerned about - meeting his kids, the "old married" feeling, and communication. i don't have kids so i can't really speak to how i'd feel about introducing them to people i was dating. however, if i as to date someone with children although i'd want to meet them, i'd be concerned about what it would be like for the kids having a dad's girlfriends come and go not that you are not going to last, but it makes sense to me that someone would want to wait for awhile to see that the relationship is going to be solid. i don't know how long awhile is... 10 months is a good amount of time but maybe he needs a little longer. if he's not ready to introduce you, and he has reasons for that that you can accept, then him spending the weekend with them isn't really ditching you. at least that's the way i see it. i'm sure it's hard to not feel like more of a part of his life in that regard, and i don't mean to trivialize it. but maybe if you understand where he's coming from and that's it's not about you personally but about his concerns for his kids... about the old married thing... how much time do you spend together? if you are together often, it makes sense that some nights you just do your own thing. you said that sometimes things are great, so it sounds like you still enjoy each other's company and feel connected sometimes? it can't be like that all the time, except in the beginning if you no longer have money to go out, maybe you can do some things to make staying in special. get a bottle of wine and light some candles, pick a movie you'll both like from the video store and cuddle up, have a "naked massage night" or a bubble bath together after the kids have gone to sleep? you said neither of you is making much of an effort... what if you start making one? maybe he'll reciprocate? as for the communication, 2 to 3 days away does seem like kind of a lot. i can see why he'd want to step back from an argument to avoid saying something he'll regret. i actually think that's very wise. but maybe for a few hours or one night. i guess everyone needs different amount of time. what are you arguing about anyway? i guess it's nice that he eventually does want to talk about it rather than just trying to blow it off. sounds like he is trying. the moodiness is hard to deal with... i don't know if anyone can offer constant support 100% of the time. may be that at some time when you are feeling you need support, he's feeling he needs it as well. that can be a tough situation. sounds like he did react poorly to you going out to be there for a friend, and to other things as well. is he ever able to understand or articulate why he's reacting this way and try to do better the next time? i understand not wanting to drag something out, but it kind of sounds like you two are at a point where maybe you can both put in some effort to work on things and make them better and learn to communicate better. from what i can tell, it doesn't sound like it's time to throw in the towel nor is it time to decide that you'll be in it for the long term. you're still trying to develop a foundation, and figuring out if you can be good together, and seeing if you can constructively work through issues together. it's hard, but maybe take the attitude that you can and try to approach it positively? ask him what you can do to make things better for him in the relationship, and think about what you can ask from him?
Author Ruby Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 thank you for taking the time to reply guys with such fantastic advice! This happened on Friday night - It is sunday night now and no word from him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has done this about 6 times now - Always over something silly! The problem is that we are running a same ole same pattern here and it is boring me! when he does ring he doesnt Want to talko about it, he would prefer to forget it happened and not mention it - But I cant do that ... If I have a problem I HAVE to talk about it or I cant move on from it and he knows this!!!!!!!!!! It is so hard because I DO love him but I know how important communication is and I also know he is not good at communicating when there is a problem. The advise you guys gave me was so thought about and not just abrasive ... thanks!
mattea Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 oh, i guess i misunderstood. i didn't realize he wasn't really wanting to talk after the couple of days at a time. hmmm... not so good. maybe you should tell him that it just isn't going to work for you to go days without talking when something happens. let him know it's fine if a situation is getting tense if you guys take a time out or whatever, but not for days. and that you do feel that it's important to talk through things when there has been some time to calm down and reflect a little. if he agrees to this stuff, then give it some time to see if he's able to do what you're asking. what do you think of that? also, do you think you could call him, and say you're upset about whatever happened and that you haven't heard from him and that you want to talk it out? has he specifically said he doesn't want to talk until he's ready, and he'll let you know when that is?
Author Ruby Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 The problem is that he will not talk until he is ready to sort it out. If I called him he would tell me he is busy and will call me back - Then he wont call! we have been through this about 6 times now and it runs a same pattern. The last time this happened I told him I will not tolerate this silent treatment and that it is childish and I need to talk things over and not get silly and child like over problems -He has admitted that he does deal with things this way at times. Since that chat he has not done it when we had disagreements ... until now! My instinct is telling me that he will never change and that I need to put up or shut up! How do you get someone to open up and talk when he doesnt want to? How can I resolve this? He wont talk untilo he is ready and I feel so trapped into doing what suits him. i cant put up with this - Writing about it has made me realise how no winj this is for me as I cant sort it alone and he isnt willing or able to change! You cant change someones basic personality and this is obviousley how he deals with things! YUK!
melodymatters Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I had a guy like this and we eventually broke up. The only other way around it is to REALLY and TRULY accept the way they are and let it bother you about as much as when your toddler has a tantrum in the toy aisle. ( think : O-kay, here we go again, whatever, lets move on to the pet food aisle, yawn) which translates to learn how to not let it bother you, and if you just can't, it's time to go. he's NOT going to change.
nicki Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 He's dismissing you...and that's abusive, as you well know. I suspect that this guy often makes you feel bad, the same way your abusive ex did. I was married to an abusive man for many years. After it was over, I could easily spot the same abusive tendencies in my boyfriends. But it was difficult for me to discern whether I was overly sensitive to "normal" traits or if the men were truly capable of being abusive. So, now I have a simple test. Do I feel small and powerless with this person? Are they perfectly content with disregarding my feelings? If so, I bail. Now, I can see your boyfriend needing a bit of time to gather his thoughts. But giving you the silent treatment for days is abusive, plain and simple. It's done to shut you up and keep you compliant....like a punishment. If he were truly needing to get his thoughts together, then he would tell you this and get back to you the next day. I doubt he would let you suffer longer than that. He'd want to know you how you felt too. But he seems to lack empathy, another hallmark of an abuser. I think your instincts are dead on about his guy. He acts like a spoiled toddler, very self-centered....another sign, too. Keep trying. Every time you have relationships, they keep getting better and better, even if it's by some small degree. Like this guy being better in many ways than your ex....But it doesn't mean that he's still 100% the right guy for you. It just means that you are moving in the right direction, and getting smarter.
Author Ruby Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 He has told me in the past that he is unpredictable and selfish and I told him that those where 2 traits that he should not be bragging about! He said he wasnt bragging but that is just how he is Its a shame my feelings are involved here I have made him sound like a monster - He has tons of good points and I mean tons! I sometimes feel like finishing with him is my ONLY answer!
Lishy Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Have you tried telling him how you feel? How does he react to you?
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