businessblonde Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I am 37. Married once (13 years), divorced, and no children by choice. I love kids, but I have a physical condition that makes bearing children dangerous. I met a man through a girlfriend in December 2006 with 5 kids (ages 6 - 18). We started to date. His kids visit biweekly for the weekend. By end of Jan. 2007 he introduced me to the kids. The kids - ages 16, 9, 7, and 6 - visit. The 18-year-old is in college. The kids and I got along great. We still do. His and my relationship advanced quickly. He asked me to move in February. I did mid-February. The weekends that his kids visit are chaos. He and the kids do no chores. I was expected to do most; clean house, set table, clear table, serve, pick up toys, etc. He "babys" the kids.... he doesn't enforce common rules. The young kids walk on all the couches with dirty sneakers. He'd ask them to pick up or put away toys, etc - they don't listen and he doesn't insist. The son, 7, constantly tries to hit or kick all the females - including me! The same son has flashed me his genitals (he receives a paddling and time out). The son is destructive - he asked to use my computer, I said yes, and then he smashed the keyboard. His 6-year-old daughter acts like she's an infant and wants me to frequently pick her up, bottle feed her, and pretend I'm her mommy. It's overwhelming. I don't try to discipline or parent. I don't know what to do. I've talked with him about all the issues. I thought it would be good to create "order" or "stabilitiy" with a chore and rule list. His ex (she's very nice...we get along fine) helped me create a list so that both households have the same chore and rule list. Waste of time. He doesn't enforce it. A week ago his 16-year-old daughter moved in after trouble with mom. (Mom is remarrying in September...there's much stress). She's said that's she's permanently moved in, which is fine with me. She's a good kid, but because dad is lenient with his kids, she won't do any chores except her own laundry. He and I talked again. I told him we need to plan grocery trips, meals, and chores. He said that he doesn't want a military household. If I don't want to clean up after his kids, fine, then don't, he said. So I stopped. The house is a mess. I feel frustrated. I told him last night that I plan to stay with a girlfriend on the weekends that his kids visit. I will come over to visit with them both weekend days, but I just cannot handle the chaos. He isn't happy, but we've agreed to do it for now. I love this man, but my resentment is growing. Any advice?
Touche Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 And your resentment will most likely continue to grow until he opens up his eyes. This is such a tough one. I've been in your shoes. My H and I will be married 12 years this June but we went through a very rough period at the beginning because of this very same issue. All I can tell you is to stick to your guns. He used to get mad at me when I'd bring up what needed to be changed. He got very defensive when I told him that he's doing his son no favors by coddling him and babying him. Boy, I could tell you stories! I just kept after him about it. I told him that I wanted us to be a normal family and that I'd expect NO different if it were my own child. (Yes, later on we had a son together and I expect no less of him.) It's really hard for these parents. They have such guilt because they don't get to see their kids all the time so they toss all discipline out the window. It's your job now to make him see that he's doing them NO favor. Can you take more control at home and establish a chore list? It seems the mother is on your side and that's a good thing. But you really do need him to step up to the plate for this to really work. I remember at one point, I was really ready to walk if he didn't take the damn blinders off. I even wrote him letters telling him how serious this issue was for me. Eventually he took me seriously. He didn't want to lose me and he also saw that he was not doing his kid any favors. He wasn't garnering his son's respect. I pointed that out. And thankfully, he listened. Don't give up just yet. Come here for support and keep posting. You've got a tough road ahead of you. This kind of situation is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. Most fail. But some do make it. I hope you fall under the latter category.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Yep, been there done that myself. In my case, he had full custody of the kids. When I moved in after two months (much too soon for that kind of jump) there were four children aged 5-10. Talk about chaos. He would ask for compliance, but never demanded it. When a child is told to clean their room, but nothing happens if the don't, well you know how that ends up. I was harder on my own two children (the youngest two) and they resented it. Looking back, he was a soft spoken man who avoided conflict of any kind. I could have set rules and enforced them and I don't think there would have been a problem, but it was my first experience with children not my own, and I was uncomfortable being the heavy hand all the time, even though I had always been that with my own children. I wasn't a drill sergeant, I just wanted a modicum of help. Put your dirty clothes in the hamper, pick up the bathroom after using it to bathe, place you dirty dishes in the sink. I wasn't asking for laundry, vacuuming, or dishes to be tackled at that age. In six months we were through. It wasn't totally about the kids, but it was a contributing factor. I couldn't live with the constant chaotic mess. My man overcompensated because the mother had abandoned the kids years before. Looking back, I see that he was actually looking for a replacement mother, which I could have been, but it takes a lot to mesh two families. I needed more support and back up. Since then he has been married and divorced three times, twice to one woman. He is again divorced, but his kids are both over 21 now. This has quickly gotten out of hand. He needs to see that he would be having the same problem and conversations with any self respecting woman. the support of their mother is fantastic. I think it is very good for children to have similar expectations at both households. Could you enlist her help a little more? Since he won't talk to them about the situation, maybe she could have a family meeting with the kids, or you two could even do it together. If Mom could state that you are large and in charge and deserve the same respect as she does, it could be beneficial. Assuming she isn't being walked on in the same manner. When situations are the same, if a child moves from Mom's home to Dad's, there isn't so much of a transition. Staying with a girlfriend on alternating weekends will not solve the problem long term. There are too many years left. Since men are usually visual creatures, take pictures, or better yet some video footage, of the home before you depart. Then do the same upon your return. Show him how bad it gets in one short weekend. Maybe he doesn't see the difference when it is slowly getting worse. If he had to put the order back into the place, he might see how much effort is involved. Then again, most men I have known lived quite comfortable in lack of "order." I hope it can be worked out. Money, children, and sex are the most common problems causing failure of a relationship. You certainly have my sympathy.
Seen_It_All Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I am SO with BiteMe. I'd run (actually I'd never got involved with someone who has a litter of 5 kids in the first place...but I digress). These kids sound like they were raised by a pack of wolves or something. No man is worth that. NO man.
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