the_pope Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Last night my girlfriend told me that she didn't want to see me this weekend (long distsance relationship) because she wants to see her friends. Also, because her landlord is down about his own failed relationships and doesn't want to rub his nose in it. She just cancelled one day before and I felt disappointed, unconsidered and hurt. Although I told her I understood and actually encourage her to see her friends. Later last night she text me and said "I'm sad too" to which I replied that she could've at least asked me first, rather than just tell me, and that she should have honoured at least a compromise. For example, spend just one night with me this weekend, and one with them, and then perhaps the same next week. She didn't reply to this and I haven't heard from her since. I'm wondering if I've done the right thing. I had to speak up or I may be in danger of being walked all over. If I show too much understanding she will think its ok to do things like that again. I feel it was right to relay my feelings like this, but something tells me maybe I shouldn't. Have I done the right thing?
nicki Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 You did the right thing! The feeling that you have that you didn't do the right thing is just your anxiety over the uncertainty of what's going on. How often do you see your girlfriend? I would think that YOU would be priority number one. Of course, she needs to see her friends once in a while, but in a LDR, they fall by the wayside. There is only so much time to go around. Your compromise idea was great, made sense and was thoughtful to her wants and needs, too. Unfortunately, she didn't respond in kind. I'm sure that was upsetting to you. What is this about the landlord's feelings? They should count for ZIP. Your feelings are way more important. What kind of girlfriend is she anyway? For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing. You are right about speaking up for yourself and for the relationship. There is no other way to be. She needs to get her priorities straight here. She really should have talked to you about wanting to see her friends. Then you BOTH could have discussed it and come up with a good compromise (like YOU did.) But, she didn't do that. She made a decision that affected you, without consulting you. Not cool. Again, you did the right thing! Make some plans with your own friends this weekend. Don't let her think that you are sitting around doing nothing. Keep us posted. It will be curious to see how this weekend goes.
Author the_pope Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 I see her every weekend. This is the first weekend in our entire relationship that this has happened. Up until now she had expressed a hell of a lot of interest in seeing me. So this is almost as if she's losing interest. Something I felt had been happening for a few days too. A few texts went unreplied etc... and she had never been like that. Yet just last weekend we had an incredible weekend. They just get better and better. Sometimes women confuse me the way they can just lay off so soon after such passion. Her landlord is also her friend who helped her a lot during a painful breakup. I think she feels she owes him. But he can be an arse too and doesn't really consider her. She is too considerate to the wrong people. I just wish she'd offered a compromise, or at least asked me before arranging other things. Thats my concern here.
nicki Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Any change in a relationship's pattern is cause for concern. I agree. She should have talked with you BEFORE making the decision to hang out with friends. Hanging out with friends isn't wrong, it's just that she has to consider you and your needs, too, and work things out with you. What concerns me is her comment about the landlord. She seems to care about how he feels more than she cares about how YOU feel. Is she interested in him? It's bullsh#t for her to say that she doesn't want to rub your relationship in HIS face by seeing you. That's plain crazy, and weird. Red flag. Even if nothing is going on with him, her habit of being "too considerate" to the wrong people is a red flag in and of itself. As for the frequency of texting, etc., it could be a natural dip that happens when one gets busy, or it could become a pattern. Either way, you have to call her on it. Even if it's by way of saying "What's up with you not calling so much." Just so she knows you've noticed. And just so you know, a woman can be all hot with you and then turn around and cheat with someone else. Increased passion/sex can acutally be a signal of a cheater. (I'm not saying she IS cheating, just that I wouldn't take great passion to mean everything is ok) Her mixed signals are confusing. Ask her about them, and watch her behavior. If she doesn't make plans with you next weekend, you've got a problem.
tanbark813 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 What concerns me is her comment about the landlord. She seems to care about how he feels more than she cares about how YOU feel. Is she interested in him? My thoughts exactly. I bet she's banging the landlord. Even if she's not that can't be the reason. It's a really weak excuse.
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 A relationship is 50/50, you have just as much say as her, so you did the right thing speaking up, it was inconsiderate of her. You look forward all week to seeing her and she does that at basically the last minute, if she does it again and again, I'd end it if I were you.
Author the_pope Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 There is nothing going on with her landlord. That I am sure. He is an emotional bully at times and when he is in a mood, she feels bad accepting phonecalls on the house phone. She panders down to him so as not to upset him. She is a bit submissive like that and has led her whole life making other people happy. But, the wrong people. This was a red flag for me too. I know he gets down about his failed relationships, and he was there for her during her painful breakup. But, if he was a true friend, he would have done that out of genuine kindness. I think she feels she owes people. I know she feels this. I still haven't heard from her. So she still obviously doesn't realise the effect she has had on my feelings. I really think I am very understanding, but this is just too much. Also, the friend she says she feels she should see this weekend is a friend of hers for 15 years. Just the night before she cancelled our weekend, he turned up at her house and declared his undying love for her. I know nothing is going on because I've seen how she has reacted to his drunk calls and texts (and I've seen him) But she feels she owes him. But I think she should have layed down the law with him and said "I'll see you Friday, but I'm seeing my boyfriend Saturday". but she hasn't. I know she told him she was in love with me.
nicki Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 She feels she owes HIM? How about you, her BOYFRIEND? She owes YOU loyalty. She's way out of line. There is no way she should be spending any time with a guy who has declared his undying love to her. What about when he wants to take her away for the weekend because he feels so sad? Come on. This is crap. She should be spending her weekend with you and telling him to get over it. She doesn't owe him a thing. You, on the other hand, she does. If she spends this weekend with him, I would break it off with her. If she can't say no to spending time with him, what makes you think she can say no if he wants to sleep with her. It is okay for you to tell her that she can't see this guy this weekend. You do have that right. It's a threat to your relationship. In fact, your relationship sounds like it is already over....sorry...but, take your pride and tell her to f*ck off if she thinks you are going to watch this sh*t go down. Sorry for sounding so forceful! It's just that no woman would think this is okay. It's even a stretch to think it might be okay for the guy friend to come spend time with BOTH of you this weekend (if he's so upset.) Your call.
nicki Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 In fact, the only "time" she should spend time with him is possibly to meet him for coffee in a public place to gently talk to him for an hour about why it's not a good idea for them to have any further contact. That's what a good, decent girlfriend would do. And you deserve that. (Hey, are you so sure they didn't sleep together the night he dropped by to declare his undying love to her?)
tanbark813 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I agree with nicki. Imagine how she would react if you cancelled on her at the last minute to spend the weekend with some girl who was in love with you. I know nothing is going on I wouldn't be so sure, bro. Good luck.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I don't there is anything wrong with your feelings of hurt, nor your stating your feelings. Communication is important, and when we are disappointed or hurt, it's wrong to just expect someone to read our minds or assume they should know how we feel. Your suggestion of compromise was perfect. One suggestion. Text messaging is a fun and useful communication tool, however I don't think that anything requiring a response should be handled in that way. I suggest calling and speaking instead of texting, especially about feelings. Unless you are simply relaying a quick "Love you!", that's different. I'm hurt, angry, disappointed, etc. needs addressing right away and requires a conversation.
Author the_pope Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 (Hey, are you so sure they didn't sleep together the night he dropped by to declare his undying love to her?) Nicki, He is an old friend of 15 years and I know she doesn't feel that way towards him. She feels sorry for him because he has tried to save many girls before and always failed. Also, he weighs a metric ton and uses a ventilator to breath. I don't think he is up to the job. I know I don't deserve this. Last weekend, she also told me that she still cares about her ex (with him 15 years, broken up 3 months when she met me). She said she's over him, but now he is going through some rough times as the grief is finally hitting him. She said she does still care enough because if he killed himself, she'd feel awful. And, also, she told me she likes to spend time with her landlord because he misses their "sofa and tv" time together. This is what they did. He spilled out his heart about being sad and she told me they hugged for a long time. So, in the space of one week, she told me about three seperate men who have seeked her affection. They all seem to get it too, except for me, this weekend. Oh, and its 5:40pm here in the UK and she still hasn't contacted me since my text last night, at 12:30am. Safe to say, I think its time to move on. I have a brand new flat to move into Monday, and I'm going to enjoy making it my own. I'm just so sad this has failed, we were so kindered until recently. I've been through worse, and learnt how to handle grief from other women. So, I hope to be over this quicker than other exes. I have been seeing her for 2 1/2 months and met her on Match.com.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Maybe you should text her that you have become suicidal due to her lack of response. Notice I said "text" because I am speaking in jest. It just seems that being down and out is the best way to garner her attention. I just reread your whole thread as I had scanned it initially. I was surprised that lack of response to a text was bringing you to the conclusion that it was time to break it off. However, after reviewing the red flags, it might be best to cut your losses after such short time. There could be a long term pattern of putting the needs of others above yours and it might be best to take a stand on that right away. Canceling at the last minute needs to be unacceptable in this case, too. And when she send you a text, ignore it. At least for as long as she has ignored yours, if she ever acknowledges it. Sorry your expectations were so suddenly squashed. Try to have a good weekend, anyway.
Author the_pope Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Thanks legs, Its not just a lack of response to this text. It is the lack of response to a few this week. It is the affection toward other men, (even though they're long standing friends, it still hurts a bit). Its the inconsideration. I know how to consider people to make them feel secure and happy. All my exes always felt ultra secure with me. I never gave them any concerns involving other women. I would hate to do that to anybody. They have all said stuff like "My god, I'm so happy, you really love me and I can finally be myself". Then, its at that point they just turn, and I am so confused. I know how to not be a wuss. I am strong and confident. All of my exes and all of my friends tell me this. But, I am a warm friendly person who does consider girlfriends feelings without catering to their every whim. No way will I ever do that. But why do people act so selfishly? I just don't understand. I can't do that although I do think of myself. For example, now, with this problem. I'm not taking any crap and I am glad I told her my feelings and made a stand. I am grateful for everybodys support and being on my side. Thank you.
Author the_pope Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Also, she used to chat on Yahoo for hours. Now I get six lines, perhaps a whole page and she always has to 'shoot off'. Then I see her online on 'myspace' for god knows how long.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Thanks legs, Its not just a lack of response to this text. It is the lack of response to a few this week. It is the affection toward other men, (even though they're long standing friends, it still hurts a bit). Its the inconsideration. I know how to consider people to make them feel secure and happy. All my exes always felt ultra secure with me. I never gave them any concerns involving other women. I would hate to do that to anybody. They have all said stuff like "My god, I'm so happy, you really love me and I can finally be myself". Then, its at that point they just turn, and I am so confused. I know how to not be a wuss. I am strong and confident. All of my exes and all of my friends tell me this. But, I am a warm friendly person who does consider girlfriends feelings without catering to their every whim. No way will I ever do that. But why do people act so selfishly? I just don't understand. I can't do that although I do think of myself. For example, now, with this problem. I'm not taking any crap and I am glad I told her my feelings and made a stand. I am grateful for everybodys support and being on my side. Thank you. I am 42 and for the first time in my life I have a boyfriend that could be described just like you described myself. I feel ultra secure, respected, and very loved. I would never do anything to risk losing what I have finally attained. Due to our length of time, I might get away with a minor stepping on his toes, but he, like you, is strong and confident and no wuss. If I gave him reason to question my sincerity, faithfulness, etc., he wouldn't just walk away, he would run. And he wouldn't look back. As for selfishness, I can't explain it, but it sure is on the rise. As for your long term GF's in the past, I honestly think that many people don't know how to enjoy a solid relationship. People (more often women, it seems) get "bored" far too often and seem to especially enjoy a lot of drama. I have seen so much of this in women on LS. How many times have many of us said "and you're still with this guy, why?" Countless times! You're going to find that special someone that can really appreciate what you are offering. Love, respect, concern and security are great finds in a man. I don't know how old you are, but it seems that women become more sure of what they want, and more convinced that they cannot "change him" (the bad boys, and the emotional messes) starting in their mid 30's. Some even later. I had my epiphany in my late 30's after two awful marriages and a number of otherwise bad relationships. There is such peace now, and since I never had that, or possibly didn't see/understand/appreciate it within potential partners, I didn't know how wonderful it is. Have a good weekend!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Something else I should mention is that I don't think I was ready for a good healthy relationship. I had to experience the pain, and emotional beatings to really appreciate the calm peacefulness of a no-tolerance, no-games kind of relationship. In other words I had a lot of growing up to do myself to be worthy of a good one. Maybe the ladies you have dated just aren't there yet. I'm sure I threw some nice fish back into the pond, but I didn't even give them much of a chance at a relationship.
insomnie Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I don't know if I agree completely with what everyone else is saying. A couple of things stood out at me in your first post. First, you said that you and she spend every weekend together. That's a significant amount of time...if she hasn't had a single weekend to herself the entire time she's been seeing you, she might be feeling like her other friends are being neglected. Of course she should put you first....but she's been doing that by seeing you every single weekend for the entire time you've been togehter. It's an LDR, sure....but you still each other a significant amount of the time. She shoudln't have to neglect her friends completely. The second thing that stood out to me was the way you handled the situation. When she made the suggestion to you, you made it clear you weren't happy, then said you understood. That should have been the end of it. Instead, when she messaged you to tell you that she was missing you, you guilt-tripped her about the weekend again. Look at it from her point of view: she's been spending EVERY WEEKEND with you for the past two months...and the only time she asks for some time for her friends, you make a gigantic deal out of it for two days straight. Of course she should put your feelings first, and I agree she was in the wrong for not replying right away and all the other thigns the other posters mentioned... but you're coming off as a little paranoid and needy. Relationships settle into a comfort zone a couple of months in... the idea is that whoever you're with enriches your life and makes it easier and more pleasant...instead it seems like you are expecting her to constantly prioritize your need for security (the security must come from within), to give you constant affirmations of her love by wayy out of her way for you and thereby neglecting her life. That can be exhausting. Last thing...the compromise. It's an LDR, and it sounds like she was the one that woudl ahve come up to see you... maybe she wasn't feeling up to it since she'd only get one day with you for the travel time, especially since it sounds like she feels she's been neglecting her social obligations. I don't think anything is going on with any of her guy friends, either. She isn't being shady about hanging out with any of them...it sounds like you've met them all, they know she is in a relationship, and she tells you what is going on. Good luck.
Author the_pope Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 I don't know if I agree completely with what everyone else is saying. A couple of things stood out at me in your first post. First, you said that you and she spend every weekend together. That's a significant amount of time...if she hasn't had a single weekend to herself the entire time she's been seeing you, she might be feeling like her other friends are being neglected. Of course she should put you first....but she's been doing that by seeing you every single weekend for the entire time you've been togehter. It's an LDR, sure....but you still each other a significant amount of the time. She shoudln't have to neglect her friends completely. The second thing that stood out to me was the way you handled the situation. When she made the suggestion to you, you made it clear you weren't happy, then said you understood. That should have been the end of it. Instead, when she messaged you to tell you that she was missing you, you guilt-tripped her about the weekend again. Look at it from her point of view: she's been spending EVERY WEEKEND with you for the past two months...and the only time she asks for some time for her friends, you make a gigantic deal out of it for two days straight. Of course she should put your feelings first, and I agree she was in the wrong for not replying right away and all the other thigns the other posters mentioned... but you're coming off as a little paranoid and needy. Relationships settle into a comfort zone a couple of months in... the idea is that whoever you're with enriches your life and makes it easier and more pleasant...instead it seems like you are expecting her to constantly prioritize your need for security (the security must come from within), to give you constant affirmations of her love by wayy out of her way for you and thereby neglecting her life. That can be exhausting. Last thing...the compromise. It's an LDR, and it sounds like she was the one that woudl ahve come up to see you... maybe she wasn't feeling up to it since she'd only get one day with you for the travel time, especially since it sounds like she feels she's been neglecting her social obligations. I don't think anything is going on with any of her guy friends, either. She isn't being shady about hanging out with any of them...it sounds like you've met them all, they know she is in a relationship, and she tells you what is going on. Good luck. I said I understood straight away. But after hours of reflection I got a bit upset and told her. It certainly wasn't a guilt trip. The thing is, she is so into me, and I am her. We'd both been looking forward to this weekend. The day after a man declares his love for her, she goes and spends the weekend with him. Isn't it any wonder I get upset? Although thank you for you alternative input. I appreciate it. Why I'm upset is, and quite justifiably too I must add, is the way round she did it. She made up her mind, then told me. Not straight either, but made excuses first. I wanted her to consult me, then make up her mind. Even if that meant no compromise, but spending the whole weekend apart. I would have been ok with that, if only she'd done it the right way round. Its not the fact I wouldn't see her, it was more the way she dictated without considering how I must have felt. Surely this can be understood. Also, a man needs to put his foot down occasionally. I'm not a needy man, but was very let down as it was so sudden and without consideration. I simply had to speak up. I understand things far too much and have not spoken up in the past when I should have. Leading to be walked all over. Which really hurt and taught me how to stand up for myself when the need arises, which I feel in this instance, it has. Also she just text me to tell me she is missing me. So I reciprocated.
Topper Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 i hate to say it but, my gut tells me, she is seeing someone else. She is useing her old friend and the Landlord as an excuse. LDR can get old fast for some people. She might be moving on, but still not ready to let you go. Maybe just testing the waters so to speak. Might be some local guy ask her out and she in a weak moment said yes. I would give her the opportunity to come clean about whats going on.
insomnie Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 i hate to say it but, my gut tells me, she is seeing someone else. She is useing her old friend and the Landlord as an excuse. LDR can get old fast for some people. She might be moving on, but still not ready to let you go. Maybe just testing the waters so to speak. Might be some local guy ask her out and she in a weak moment said yes. I would give her the opportunity to come clean about whats going on. I think THAT would be coming to conclusions. It's an LDR but they see each other every weekend. Perhaps it's exactly as she said: she needed some time to see her friedns. I agree that she didn't handle the situation well, and that she probably shoudln't hang out with someone who likes her...but if the guy has other issues it might be that becuase SHE Is so sure nothing woudl happen that she didn't think it was a big deal - just visiting with a slightly cooky old friend. No one's perfect. He shoudl talk to her but accusing her of cheating because she wanted one weekend to herself is going too far IMO.
Island Girl Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I still haven't heard from her. So she still obviously doesn't realise the effect she has had on my feelings. BAD SIGN. Also, the friend she says she feels she should see this weekend is a friend of hers for 15 years. Just the night before she cancelled our weekend, he turned up at her house and declared his undying love for her. Bad news. Sorry but she hasn't replied because her weak inconsiderate azz is being submissive to THIS GUY. He gets all weekend to tell her how wonderful and special she is and with how weak she is -- she's may lap it up. We all like attention. Where there is danger in crossing the line is when we hurt those we are committed to for someone who should be way down in the ranks of priorities. She has made this move and has disregarded communication from you. Bad sign guy. I am so sorry. I know nothing is going on because I've seen how she has reacted to his drunk calls and texts (and I've seen him) I'm sorry again to be blunt. If he wasn't a threat in any way she'd have spent the weekend with the man she loves. There is something going on in her that she is not sharing but her choices speak volumes. But she feels she owes him. But I think she should have layed down the law with him and said "I'll see you Friday, but I'm seeing my boyfriend Saturday". but she hasn't. Again BAD sign. I am sorry. But boyfriend should come before this guy. Any day of the week. ESPECIALLY since you are long distance. She'd rather put you to the side and not see you for 2 weeks because of this guy?!! WARNING. DANGER. And again --- I am so sorry. I know she told him she was in love with me. You know --- you are a guy. This won't stop him from trying to get what he can get. Once he professed his "love" for her she should have taken a big step back NOT FORWARD. I agree with everything Nicki said in the first couple of posts. But with this information I am saddened. Do not in any way take responsibility for her lack of courtesy, lack of contact, her weakness, or her shifted priorities. She is making some odd decisions right now. If you are going to stay in this look long and hard about the situation at hand. And make sure you do not excuse her behavior. Call her on it. This is the time to stand up for yourself and be strong about it. She needs to her respect for the time, effort, and support you give her - at the very least.
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