First Date

[Guest]

"This girl should be in love with me by now."

 

Was that quote a joke or were you being serious? Is that your expectation of a first date?

 

Also, I was curious about something. Are you saying that if any of us on here listened to that message from her on your answering machine we would all agree that it was as flat and lifeless as you say? I wonder.

 

Not meaning to pick on you. I just reallly was wondering about those things.

 

Now, turning to your date. First of all, just curious but if this girl is such a looker why did she have to be set up? Not that good-looking women never need to be set up but I was just wondering. What's her history? I'm wondering if some of how you feel really isn't really her fault.

 

I used to date a lot and even if I wasn't crazy about the guy while on the date, I was aware that he put himself out on a limb by asking me out and by planning the evening. So in turn, I was always as pleasant as I could be. Sometimes it was a good acting job for the sake of being polite.

 

I would respond to jokes, laugh enthusiastically, ask questions and make the best of the evening.

 

Doesn't sound like this girl did any of that. I would question her character. Sounds like you were out on an audition...not a date. Who wants someone like that?

 

As for the phone call: Perhaps she did call back out of a sense of duty. But you really won't know that until you call her back, now will you? Call her back and feel her out. When you were out with her, did the idea of seeing each other again even come up? Generally, if it's a good date that will come up.

 

Could it be that your expectations for the first date were too high? Maybe she was just nervous. I know happily married couples whose first dates are now stories to tell and laugh over.

 

Isn't it a little melodramatic to say that you wish she didn't exist and that you feel so small now? Isn't it jumping to conclusions to say that she will be "relieved" if you just disappeared? How do you know that? You don't.

 

And lastly, were you "real" on your date? Or were you trying to be an entertainer? I've been out on dates with men who weren't in the happiest place in their lives. I admired their honesty when they told me. It made me want to go out with them again because it showed they weren't trying to impress me and were keeping it "real."

 

Have a sense of humor about the crappy place you are in life right now. Women will respect that.

 

If I were you I would have called her last night. I would just been myself. I would have point blank asked her how she thought the date went and whether she wanted to go out again.

 

Good luck and try to get rid of the negative thoughts. Women will pick up on them and run the other way. Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[serial muse]

She called me last night, as a polite return to my call on Tuesday. I wasn't home, so all I got was a brief, dull, enthusiasm-free "just calling you back" message.

 

I should call her tonight, but I don't think I want to. I was attracted to her, but there was just something about that night. It seemed like everything I said just fell flat. No jokes were funny, nothing I said was interesting. In fact, it seemed like everything I said about myself was just meant to highlight how incredibly dull and non-male I am. Until that night, that thought hadn't really crossed my mind. This girl should be in love with me by now. Instead I just want to hide from her and forget she ever existed.

 

She was actually pretty nice. It's not like she put me down or anything. I just felt more and more disapproval of me coming from both of us. What the hell is that about?

 

I don't understand myself at all. There have been so many times when I could basically just HAVE a girl. But now I feel like I'm about 2 inches tall.

 

 

Johan, it's not that you're not funny and your life is empty. I am 100% certain that isn't true.

 

Sometimes people just can't catch our rhythms - they may be attractive people, and worthwhile people, but they don't resonate with us. Those are the people who make us feel less, rather than more, like ourselves. They make us feel tired rather than energized. I remember feeling particularly discouraged on dates with people who didn't seem to "get" me; it was as though they were just sucking the life right out of me. Whew.

 

But I assure you that there are people out there that you do resonate with, and who you'll actually feel energized by. They make you feel like you. I suppose you've been avoiding looking for them out of fear (and weariness?), perhaps. But they absolutely exist. You are funny, and interesting, and while I'm sure this woman will be a catch for someone, she's just not right for you.

 

I know it might feel like there's more portent to a blah date because you had invested some emotion and hope in this, and now you're crashing...but the bottom line is, she just wasn't on your wavelength. Many other women will find your jokes snappy and delightful, and will be thrilled to leave a followup message on your voicemail, hoping excitedly that you'll call back. I promise. Trust.

[VirtualInsanity]

Hope your doing better today Johan. :)

[sb129]

Johan how are you today?

 

I read your post and felt so sad for you... why are you beating yourself up so badly???

 

By what standards do you define your life to say that it is so empty?

 

I am at home alone on a friday night with a glass of wine, a sinkful of dirty dishes and loveshack for company. Very boring and sad to some other people, OK by me.

 

It sounds like you have alot of fans on LS...

 

When we first start dating someone, it is a tough time because you can be very vulnerable, and you risk getting hurt if it doesn't work out. Is this whats making you so jittery, maybe you are being pessimistic and writing it off now to avoid potential disappointment?

 

If you are so tough on yourself, people will pick up on it as a negative vibe.

 

Can you please in your next post list your top ten good points.

 

You need to remind yourself of them.

[johan]

I should clarify that it's not this girl or the failed date that I care about. It's just between me and me, and all this date stuff was a trigger.

 

But I assure you that there are people out there that you do resonate with, and who you'll actually feel energized by. They make you feel like you. I suppose you've been avoiding looking for them out of fear (and weariness?), perhaps. But they absolutely exist. You are funny, and interesting, and while I'm sure this woman will be a catch for someone, she's just not right for you.

 

I know it might feel like there's more portent to a blah date because you had invested some emotion and hope in this, and now you're crashing...but the bottom line is, she just wasn't on your wavelength. Many other women will find your jokes snappy and delightful, and will be thrilled to leave a followup message on your voicemail, hoping excitedly that you'll call back. I promise. Trust.

 

Thanks for this. It's been really a long time since I experienced what you describe. Maybe 10 years.

 

Hope your doing better today Johan. :)

 

I was busy as hell at work. Not a lot of time to think. And that's better. I need to do some work tonight as well.

 

Johan how are you today?

 

I read your post and felt so sad for you... why are you beating yourself up so badly???

 

I have no idea. I just think I wasn't thinking a lot until that night. Then I tanked. I'm sure this will pass.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I should clarify that it's not this girl or the failed date that I care about. It's just between me and me, and all this date stuff was a trigger.

 

I already diagnosed that in my first post in this thread. Heh heh. Aren't I the smart one.

 

Even though it's between you and you, may I chime in and say that I think you're a good guy.

 

Coming from me, that's something.

[pelagicsands]

, may I chime in and say that I think you're a good guy.

I'm leaning more towards "big dick" than "good guy." But that might not fit, depending on your personal angle and position.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I'm leaning more towards "big dick" than "good guy." But that might not fit, depending on your personal angle and position.

 

 

But then again, that's your personal angle and position on Johan, Pinky.

[pelagicsands]

I changed my mind. He's a good guy. Through and through. Up and down.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I changed my mind. He's a good guy. Through and through. Up and down.

 

hahahaha. hahahahaa. hahahahaha. HA.

[johan]

Aren't you two cute. I'm glad this self-pity thread of mine is doing someone some good!

 

It's amazing how much a Guinness can improve your outlook.

 

Skyblue doesn't hurt either.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Aren't you two cute. I'm glad this self-pity thread of mine is doing someone some good!

 

It's amazing how much a Guinness can improve your outlook.

 

Skyblue doesn't hurt either.

 

Why thank you. I always thought Pelagic was extremely cute anyway.

 

Well you enjoy your guinness...while Pinky and I continue.

[sb129]

Hey Johan- you forgot to list your good traits.

 

It will make you feel better, honestly.

[Geishawhelk]

Please excuse the "off-Topic" comment for an instant....Jerbear...Are you who I think you are?

If you are, those on Brian's forum miss you a heck of a lot....

If not, please ignore the rantings of a menial other-forum moderator.....

 

I thank you.

Ok, I'm done.....!

[dropdeadlegs]

Johan,

 

I'm sorry that you have come away form this date with a lower "bottom" in your pit of self loathing. Honestly I think you are much harder on yourself than anyone else is.

 

So tell me, why did you call her on Tuesday? That she returned your call is a very good sign that she is interested in seeing you again. If you are not, that's fine, but you called her and have stated that you found her attractive, so I'm having difficulty understanding what you want to happen. If you needed to be in a better mood to call her back, I think you could have faked a better mood for a few minutes of consideration to her returned call. While her message may not have indicated an excitement level you felt appropriate, it is difficult to know what to say in a message. Could her excitement level have been based on the message you left her? we all get a bit self preserving in these cases.

 

Let her determine if she wants to see you again. She has the right to her own opinion of your date and I'm willing to bet that she didn't find it as awkward as you did. She wouldn't have called you back if she found you as flat and boring as you found yourself.

 

If you are not ready to date, fine, don't date. I honestly think that almost everyone is deserving of two dates before deciding if there is any spark or attraction. A few more dates might help to pull you out of your funk and put you back in the saddle again. Ultimately you know that only you have the ability to begin the ascent out of the pit. Once you begin climbing, others can help, so throw up your rope, buddy.

[johan]

This all is just convincing me that I have a serious problem. Looking back over my life, it seems like I've spent most of my time just trying to keep my head above water. All my relationships ended due to this. All of my friendships. I have no problem keeping a job, thank God. That's almost a miracle, and I'm not sure I could explain it.

 

I've been thinking about my self-esteem. It's absolutely terrible. It was before last weekend, and that's why I've been alone for so long. Even with my ex I was alone, and I was alone for years before her.

 

On that night out it was like the door was opened on it, and a light was shown on it, and I could finally see it after keeping it hidden away from myself for so long. And now it's out and I'm living with it. I don't know how to fix it, or why I was cursed with this. But this past week has been absolute misery for me.

 

If she called, which she hasn't, I wouldn't answer. And I wouldn't call her back. I know better. It's the opposite of where I should be, but I feel seriously sick. I probably couldn't say two coherent words to her, and I guarantee I'm not her type. Not now. I'm not anyone's type.

[VirtualInsanity]

Why not go & talk to someone about this?

[johan]

Why not go & talk to someone about this?

 

Maybe I should.

[pelagicsands]

Is that Guinness laced with self-pity? I think you need a second job - developing a little healthy self-esteem. Start by noting how round and supple your testicles are. And that you have a full complement.

[pelagicsands]

Why not go & talk to someone about this?

And end up in the asylum?! I bet you just want him in your cell.

[VirtualInsanity]

And end up in the asylum?! I bet you just want him in your cell.

 

I need a room buddy. Get all the free drugs you want though.

[pricillia]

Aren't you two cute. I'm glad this self-pity thread of mine is doing someone some good!

 

It's amazing how much a Guinness can improve your outlook.

 

Skyblue doesn't hurt either.

 

 

Johan stop feeling sorry for yourself there is nothing more unattractive then a guy who has low self esteem.

 

Your posts are whitty and I am sure that you know how to show a woman a good time.

 

If the fire did not ignite between the two of you it could either take more time or she may not be someone that you have a connection with.

 

But don't give up and start getting down on yourself!

[pelagicsands]

I am sure that you know how to show a woman a good time.

I bet there are lots of women who get off on Johan. I know I do.

[dropdeadlegs]

This all is just convincing me that I have a serious problem. Looking back over my life, it seems like I've spent most of my time just trying to keep my head above water. All my relationships ended due to this. All of my friendships. I have no problem keeping a job, thank God. That's almost a miracle, and I'm not sure I could explain it.

 

I've been thinking about my self-esteem. It's absolutely terrible. It was before last weekend, and that's why I've been alone for so long. Even with my ex I was alone, and I was alone for years before her.

 

On that night out it was like the door was opened on it, and a light was shown on it, and I could finally see it after keeping it hidden away from myself for so long. And now it's out and I'm living with it. I don't know how to fix it, or why I was cursed with this. But this past week has been absolute misery for me.

 

If she called, which she hasn't, I wouldn't answer. And I wouldn't call her back. I know better. It's the opposite of where I should be, but I feel seriously sick. I probably couldn't say two coherent words to her, and I guarantee I'm not her type. Not now. I'm not anyone's type.

Oh dear. I didn't know enough of your story to garner everything for myself. But I understand to a degree.

 

My self esteem has been abysmal for most of my life. I'm 42 and have only recently made truly big steps in that arena. I was made aware of my defect (pardon the term) at 15. I can't imagine coming to that conclusion as an adult. I assume it could either be an eye opening experience or maddening hell. I was under the assumption, from your posts, that you were very aware of your lack of self esteem. Otherwise I would have pointed it out months ago. It has been very apparent to me and I must assume it has been mentioned to you.

 

It can be overcome, and I don't think it takes 25 years to do so. In my most recent sessions of therapy I was asked to have at least 5 people write a description of the person they see, also known as me. I was also asked to write my own description. I had seven friends (one being my sister) give detailed written analysis of who ddl is. It was quite an eye-opener. I projected a largely different person than who I felt I was at the time. I wasn't trying to hide anything and am open and honest to a fault.

 

It was very ego boosting to know that while I felt weak others saw me as an extremely strong person. I felt ugly and they characterized me as beautiful, both inside and out. These people clearly loved me when I was unable to love myself (I'm crying now, but in a good way.) They didn't pull punches, my problems and inadequacies were pointed out as well (too reliant on being in a relationship, drinking to excess, putting my needs before the needs of my children.) You can see it wasn't a staged love-fest. (No longer crying.) They were brutally honest. Some wrote a simple paragraph and one wrote eight pages in manuscript. These were people who had known me for at least a decade. How could I not believe all the good things that I couldn't see within myself? They were reported in numbers.

 

That day was more helpful to my self esteem than years of previous therapy had tackled. I guess I was ready to address the situation and make changes. I still have a way to go, but I made leaps and bounds that very day.

 

It's just an experience, Johan, but I hope that you will have a day, and sooner rather than later, that can bring you the same kind of peace. I don't know you personally, but yet I like you. I bet lots of people like you. Don't worry about the date or the girl, It's time to concentrate on you.

[pricillia]

I bet there are lots of women who get off on Johan. I know I do.

 

 

stalker....