A ? For Everyone

[SoxPrincess]

After reading through some posts today, I wondered; for those of you that are the BS, do you paint the OW/OM with the same broad brush or do you "treat" every situation differently based on what is shared here? For the OW/OM, do you paint every BS with the same brush as the BS in your situation or do you find yourself compassionate to each different situation?

 

Oops, I suppose I should answer my own question

 

As an exOW, I hate being painted with the stigmastism of being an OW, but I know that is part of the "package" when one gets involved with an MM and then opens themselves up on a public message board. I try to come across in my posts how I am in real life and how the A has effected me and I try to reflect the guilt I feel and how wrong the A was in all of my posts; not to gain compassion but as a form of therapy for myself and in a way, to show not all OW's are the same. I know the posts of an OW/OM are not usually the same as an exOW/exOW so I try to keep that in perspective when reading and knowing that "back then" I felt the same way in most cases.

 

In regards to the BS, it helps me to read their posts, heed their advice and to learn from their perspectives. I have learned from their hurt and I have a lot of compassion for them and although I don't know how my A effected exMM's W, I feel like I can gain an idea from reading through the posts here. I don't know exMM's W personally and I don't believe a word the lying scumbag told me, so I definitely do not paint all BS' with the same brush.

[rdnkgrl31]

I am working on being an EXOW, and I do not think any of us are exactly the same. They are all different situations. While they are close in comparison they are not identical. I try to stay open-minded to each and every one. It does "seem" that the BS paint us all in the same light though. Which I feel is due to ALOT of anger and pain.

[GreenEyedLady]

I also do not like being stereotyped...I think the thing about OW is they come from different backgrounds, with varying levels of education, and they are like everyone else...

 

You really wouldn't be able to point one out in a crowd unless you had personal KNOWLEDGE...

 

But, people will have their opinions based on their own experiences, and that's their right...

 

As for BS's, when I was in my situation I really didn't know much about her at all...so I can't generalize to an entire population...

 

Although, when does an OW or BS cease to identify with their title? Once a BS/OW always a BS/OW? I mean there has to be a point when it doesn't matter anymore...

[WonderWater]

Since I only live my life, I can never fully judge or understand the situation of another (ex)OW or BS. I only know who I am, why I did it, and how it made me feel.

 

What I do know is that this A (I am now exOW) has affected my entire life in ways that I never thought possible and people that I never considered. I have started chatting with some unattached guys on personals websites, just testing the water. I ran into one very nice guy who fit a lot of my criteria. We got to chatting, and I found out that his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. It made me think how he would view me if he knew that I was "one of those women". It is going to make any future relationships of mine very rocky.

 

In regards to the BS in my situation, my heart goes out to her. She has no clue. She loves her husband so dearly, but has no idea what he has done to her or how many lies he has told. Do I wish she could find out? Yes, just because I think she deserves to know. Is it my place to tell her? Never.

[woe_is_me]

But, people will have their opinions based on their own experiences, and that's their right...

 

This is how i feel .. every single situation is different.

 

I didn't/don't know his W.. I've never seen her or spoken to her..

yet he managed to carry on the A for 12 months.

 

I don't know if knowing what she looked like would make any difference...

I'm not the stalking/psycho type so i guess i'll never know unless she decides to find me...

I don't know if she's fed up with what he's like ..or fighting for him and it really isn't my business.

I wish he'd do something decisive instead of hurting both of us

 

A couple of the betrayed wives here give me some insight into how his W is 'possibly' feeling... but no situation is totally identical..not even nearly...

[Jinxx]

Every situation is different. I've been on both sides of the fence. Was a former BS (ex-husband married his OW) and now I am an XOW. The BS in my situation has no idea her husband strayed and never will.

[woe_is_me]

Every situation is different. I've been on both sides of the fence. Was a former BS (ex-husband married his OW) and now I am an XOW. The BS in my situation has no idea her husband strayed and never will.

 

Jinxx .. i have a lot of admiration for you .. and also serial muse .. at least you both did all your consciences could allow you to do...i too was a BS many moons ago and even though it sucks financially and emotionally and phsyically.. living with honesty and integrity mattered/matters more..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sox,

 

I think this is an interesting question. In order to answer let me tell you what brought me here. I was completely devistated after D day. Even at that time I still had no idea that the majority of my marriage had been a lie. (That there were multiple OW or sexual escapades through out). I never had a clue how prevelant these things were. After D day my H let it slip about other people who were unfaithful. I opened my eyes and everywhere I looked all I saw was infidelity. I would have NEVER even if my life depended on it been unfaithful to my husband. I couldn't believe people where doing this.

 

One night I had a beautiful dream (unheard of for me at the time). I woke up in the most comfortable bed in a quaint cabin and next to me was the most beautiful man (not physically, can't even remember what he looked like, but the feeling was one of sheer happiness and contentment.) This man was asleep and I slipped out of bed to begin his breakfast. He came in sat at the table putting on his shoes, had a bag, I kissed him on the head, and told him I had his breakfast ready. He said, you know I have to go back home to my wife. That is when the dream became a nightmare and I woke up in tears.

 

I got on the computer and started searching OW. All of a sudden I had a need to know what went on in their head. Before that dream, they were just whores who could care less about anything or anyone else. That is when and how I found LS.

 

I was blown away by the fact that I found MOSTLY intelligent women, who were introspective, but most of whom (in my opinion) where making huge leaps at justification and paying the price by their own unhappiness. I never before pictured the OW as unhappy. I read their stories and (maybe because of my dream) started to feel for the situation they chose for themselves. Mostly I started to see how these MM were manipulating everyone for their own benefit. I cannot tell you how I have benefited from LS. It has truly given me the opportunity to see the situation from perspectives other than mine. If it weren't for that I would have never gotten past the point of believing that it was all about me and the feeling that I was totally alone and isolated in my life.

 

I do believe that OW situations are different, or maybe that the reasons that they allow themselves to get into this situation are different. I see some as needing to be saviours, some who are motivated by the fact that they are desired enough that a MM would risk everything to be with them, some just perhaps became overcome with limmerence and some who are just complete nutcases and are completely being used for entertainment. In one way or another some need was being met but in most instances they are not getting that its not so much about them (who they are) as it is about MM and who he is or wants to be percieved as by someone (a false self, or other life so to speak).

 

For an intelligent woman not to see that a man who has admitted that he would lie and manipulate another human being (one he has made a covenant with) in order to have everything go his way, can't see that this man is a selfish, selfserving person who will do anything and hurt anyone to get what he wants. That said, I believe that this is different than a man who falls out of love, realises this, even if it is because he fell in love with someone else, and takes responsibility and does what is right for himself and everyone else.

 

You will always reep what you sow!

[woe_is_me]

It really hurts me IWWH to see ow and bs bickering in some threads..when it is the MM who should be posting and doing all the explaining..

 

I think the majority of you are beautiful women with your childrens best interests at heart (unlike the a/holes who are screwing both sides of the fence over)

 

I wanted to see wedding pictures and he wouldnt show me ..i wanted to know this lady was real because the way he acted was just hugely out of proportion to the very reasons i let my husband go....

 

Sometimes i wish i knew his W because i think it would seriously help me to not think anything of him at all...

[Kwo-ne'-she]

As an ex OW, I hate being stereotyped. When I entered the A with my ex MM, I believed he was "seperated and soon to be divorced". At the time, I took him at his word. And for the others who got involved with a MM or MW believing that the person was either soon divorcing or already divorced....that makes it different to me. I am not judging the OW/OM who went into an A knowing what was what. I'm simply saying, there ARE differences. So, to be broadbrushed is unfair.

 

As for the W, I had the..."pleasure" , of IMing her several times. She initiated it. And no, I do not judge all other Ws with the same measuring stick. That woman truly is a hateful, cruel, self-centered piece of work. After talking with her, and hearing what others had to say, I can see why he wasn't happy at home.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Disclaimer: this is just "in general", do not get fluffy over this post. I just hate being the bad BS too.

 

 

As for the OW, the only threads that personally steam me off the most are the ones where the OW involves herself in the marriage, giving marital advice while breaking up a marriage (?) giving legal counselling to the WS/MM and playing mommy to the BW's kids whose family they are breaking up (because it happened to me) and I don't like the stories about the OW being in the marital bed. That also happened to me. I also dont like it when the OW acts like the victim, anymore than the cheating spouse.

 

Then there is the WS posts. I almost hate them more. I mean, why cant the BW have an opportunity to find someone like the WS does? Why does he keep his wife isolated and ignorant while he makes his plans with the OW? Secret bank withdraws and text messages from a secret cell phone?

 

Why do we have to hold their hand while we must put off our nervous breakdown in order to reconcille? Why put up with hang up calls and drive bys watching FWS do nothing? Why we have to suffer when FWS doesnt want to talk about it and tells the BS to get over it. Why we have to face our best friends telling us were crazy for taking them back? How many times have I been told to divorce him? And why do we have to take the blame because we werent keeping the bed warm (?) is so insulting to my intelligence when he was the one keeping someone elses bed warm. And only a delusional WS who was thrown out would ever dare tell lies to the OW that his wife was keeping him form his children for sympathy. She doesnt sleep with me I sleep in the guest room. Things have been bad for years while keeping pretenses everything is fine so he could fu*ck around?

 

Whose the bad guy?

[Trialbyfire]

There are subtle differences in each situation but the following are core commonalities:

 

One person's needs are being met by many;

One person is a known or unknown liar;

One person has cheated in his/her marriage.

[smartgirl]

Sox,

 

I think there are some behaviors that are common to all OWs and BS and others that are unique. It is a mixed bag.

 

The people themselves are different. The circumstances of being in an affair and finding out you were betrayed by your H do cause a lot of feelings and behaviors that are common across many people. From what I've read these are some common themes - though by no means universal:

 

o OW often feel that what they are doing is justified because they are "in love" with their true soul mate. They believe that the strength of this love will transcend all else and will prevail in the end and that for them and the MM to feel this way, surely the marriage is dead.

 

OW make a distinction between "in love" and love and the MM often comes to believe this as well. This seems to adequately describe the feelings of passion and intensity they feel and makes the love MM feels for his wife seem pale by comparison.

 

o However, often the marriage is not dead and the love between the BS and MM may lack the heat of the A feelings, but they run very deep and are built from years of loving and living and enduring as a couple. That is why so many BS are willing to try again with MM - a question I have seen asked here often. I love my H for who he is, not what I hope he might be and because of that I accept him - flaws and all. Because of all we have built together and lived through and the deep closeness I feel for him - I am willing to give him a chance to make this up to me and work on forgiving him and rebuilding the intimacy of our marriage.

 

Often the MM becomes exhausted by all the heat, intensity, drama, secrecy, etc and just wants to come home again to a love that makes him feel safe and comfortable. Doesn't mean he rejects the OW or doesn't still care for her. But he is tired and doesn't want to work that hard anymore.

 

o Because of the deep connection many wives feel with their husbands, the level of betrayal they feel is beyond comprehension. They want to demonize the OW and believe she seduced their H because it is less painful than accepting that he was a full participant. The thought that he lied, gave his time and attention to someone else, shattered the intimacy that you thought you alone shared with him, and considered even briefly leaving you for someone else -- all when you knew nothing was going on -- is almost too much to bear.

 

It is a painful day when you are finally ready to move beyond the OWs behavior in trying to keep your H for herself, and face the fact that he wanted all that and worked to keep it and keep it secret. You want to go to sleep and never wake up because you are sure this knowledge will torture you forever.

 

Paranoia runs rampant because if all this could be going on and you never suspected, you now know that your sense of intuition is flawed and you can't know anything except that which you can see with your own eyes. So you desperately want to trust again - but you are so afraid of being made to feel like a fool again.

 

o The sense of self and self worth are severly damaged for both the BS and OW. How could he? How could he treat me like this when I loved him so much? How could he reject me in favor of this other woman? I thought I was the most important person in his life? I thought I made him feel so good?

 

Sadly, I think men reach a moment in their life when they need as much of this love and attention as they can get to feel good about themselves. They think they are balancing everything and making everyone happy and just don't focus on the fact that one day one of the relationships will have to end. They don't think about that. They just don't want all the good feelings to end.

 

So like I said, the people are different. But I think a lot of the feelings are the same. The real difference comes from how we all manage these feelings and whether we try to heal ourselves or lash out in anger at others we choose to blame for the situation. Either way, it is a long painful journey.

[puddleofmud]

What a lovely, humble, honest post!

Bless you and you are certainly not alone, as someone like you who takes the time to be sincere and honest will reap what is beautiful and honest.

May the best of what you are come back to you ten fold because you deserve this.

Hugs to you, dear lady!

 

quote=IfWishesWereHorses;1164650]Sox,

 

I think this is an interesting question. In order to answer let me tell you what brought me here. I was completely devistated after D day. Even at that time I still had no idea that the majority of my marriage had been a lie. (That there were multiple OW or sexual escapades through out). I never had a clue how prevelant these things were. After D day my H let it slip about other people who were unfaithful. I opened my eyes and everywhere I looked all I saw was infidelity. I would have NEVER even if my life depended on it been unfaithful to my husband. I couldn't believe people where doing this.

 

One night I had a beautiful dream (unheard of for me at the time). I woke up in the most comfortable bed in a quaint cabin and next to me was the most beautiful man (not physically, can't even remember what he looked like, but the feeling was one of sheer happiness and contentment.) This man was asleep and I slipped out of bed to begin his breakfast. He came in sat at the table putting on his shoes, had a bag, I kissed him on the head, and told him I had his breakfast ready. He said, you know I have to go back home to my wife. That is when the dream became a nightmare and I woke up in tears.

 

I got on the computer and started searching OW. All of a sudden I had a need to know what went on in their head. Before that dream, they were just whores who could care less about anything or anyone else. That is when and how I found LS.

 

I was blown away by the fact that I found MOSTLY intelligent women, who were introspective, but most of whom (in my opinion) where making huge leaps at justification and paying the price by their own unhappiness. I never before pictured the OW as unhappy. I read their stories and (maybe because of my dream) started to feel for the situation they chose for themselves. Mostly I started to see how these MM were manipulating everyone for their own benefit. I cannot tell you how I have benefited from LS. It has truly given me the opportunity to see the situation from perspectives other than mine. If it weren't for that I would have never gotten past the point of believing that it was all about me and the feeling that I was totally alone and isolated in my life.

 

I do believe that OW situations are different, or maybe that the reasons that they allow themselves to get into this situation are different. I see some as needing to be saviours, some who are motivated by the fact that they are desired enough that a MM would risk everything to be with them, some just perhaps became overcome with limmerence and some who are just complete nutcases and are completely being used for entertainment. In one way or another some need was being met but in most instances they are not getting that its not so much about them (who they are) as it is about MM and who he is or wants to be percieved as by someone (a false self, or other life so to speak).

 

For an intelligent woman not to see that a man who has admitted that he would lie and manipulate another human being (one he has made a covenant with) in order to have everything go his way, can't see that this man is a selfish, selfserving person who will do anything and hurt anyone to get what he wants. That said, I believe that this is different than a man who falls out of love, realises this, even if it is because he fell in love with someone else, and takes responsibility and does what is right for himself and everyone else.

 

You will always reep what you sow!

[HappyHappy]

Yes..this one gets me too. I HATE being painted in a negative lite because I am an OW. My ex fiance did a job on me (I broke up with him and then got involved with the MM). Ex fiance took very little responsibility for the failure of our relationship (takes more now from what Ive heard), but just vilified me to anyone and everyone he could find..blaming everything on MM. He "borrowed" my blackberry, and phones with caller ID and called everyone he could think of to just make up awful things about me. Ok, so he saw himself as a jilted lover and this was his irrational and immature way of dealing with things (he also stalked me, and slashed MM's tires, so he was just unbalanced).

 

BUT, what has gotten me the most over these few years is how I got treated and sort of "dumped" by people who I thought were friends, because of my A. Here's the killer: these actions were from "friends" who themselves had been in affairs! In all of my examples of the people I know, they were in a bad marriage etc., all had kids involved, they made decisions to leave the marriages and some of these people have married the person they were having the A with or are still exclusivly involved with the person. I was so supportive to these "friends" of mine while they were going through these things, but when my turn came, I got a bunch of judgements and backs turned on me. And I was not married and had no kids involved in the relationship I chose end. Its funny, because while I was involved with ex finace, all the "friends" would comment that I needed to leave him because we were really unhappy and what a toxic relationship it was etc....I will never figure this out, but those actions were most hurtful.

 

I know that those people didnt want to be put down or judged for the decisions they made that they felt were best for them, but the same rules didnt apply to me. I did find out later that there were some jealously issues involved on the part of some of these so called friends. Wish I had seen some of that earlier and it would have saved me some heartache.

 

I try very hard not to judge and just wish others would do the same. None of us are perfect, and i think some judging is human nature, but we need to sort of check ourselves when we see that we are doing this.

 

Each person has their reasons for why they make the decisions they make

for themselves. It just isnt up to us to judge it.

 

After writing this I am now so curious about others opinions on how I was treated and judged that I think I'll start a thread on this for feedback:)

[puddleofmud]

Though your question has been directed to BS; I would like to add that OW also may, as well, paint themselves w/ a "broad brush".

No matter the circumstances the "guilt" or "burden" of the A may cause one to categorize themselves w/in the stereo-type of OW.

This is not particularly a defense of OW; but just a point to ponder as it would seem that emotional damage is due to both BS and OP being severely affected and / or victimized by not only the situation at hand but by self perception ie: "how could I have been such a fool?" ect.

Perhaps being that both feel emotionally strained, both may tend to use societal common demonitor stereo-types as an excuse to avoid dealing w/ the realism of the affair.

The BS would easier feel that the OW is a slutty man stealing skank and the OW would easier feel that the BS an inept mean bitch who is not giving said man "what he needs".

These common stereo-types make it so much easier to place blame without acceptance of what may have been reality.

AND, frankly, I feel that no external blame is needed as both parties, being those who are HUMAN, tend to blame themselves far and above another in that they may use these stereo-types more so upon themselves though not intentionally.

Both are coloured by the broad brush and it takes a great deal of time and strength, whether a BS or OP to objectively seek the truth.

[silktricks]

I think it's very difficult for BS, OW and MM. I have very little patience, however, for any of the above people who persist in remaining in victimhood. As a BS, I would dearly love to say that my actions had zero effect and that I was a total innocent in the problems in the marriage. I'd love to say it, but it wouldn't be the truth, and I doubt that it would be the truth for very many BS.

 

The fact is that if the marriage was truly doing well, it is doubtful that any MP would wander. However, that is not a carte blanche that means wandering OK. Marriages faulter. All marriages faulter at times. It is the responsibility of both people in the marriage to take care of it. Sometimes, life being what it is, that isn't possible, and A's happen. So, the only broad brush I tend to use is for the MP who has an affair. That person is either not willing or not able to deal directly with the problems that are in the marriage at that time. That does not make them bad people, just not strong people at the time of the affair.

 

BS - well, we are all different too, but for the most part, we are in a great deal of denial before D-Day, and a great deal of pain after. We are usually in a situation where we are not able to either see or deal straightforwardly with problems in our marriages. For any number of reasons our SO's are not in close connection with us at the time of the A.

 

OW - here I draw three separate groups.

First, the group who does not know that the MM is married. These woman are simply (like the rest of us) wanting to be loved and in love. In my opinion they should terminate the relationship when they discover that the man of their dreams is in fact married to someone else, but I can understand the difficulty there, and I have a great deal of sympathy for them.

 

Second, the group that slowly becomes attracted to a man who is married. This is more like being drawn into quicksand. Attraction grows, and love grows and they find themselves in a situation that feels out of control. They feel that it's too late, and now they are in love. For these people I have less sympathy, as there are many steps along that road where they should be able to see that they are doing something that will end badly for someone, either themself or the wife. I do, however, understand human weakness, as we are all weak in various ways. I believe that this is the largest group of OP.

 

Third is the group of OP who know that the MP is married, doesn't care and simply sets out to make the MP fall in love with them. In essence they set out to "capture" a MP, caring not at all of the consequences to anyone, the MP, the BS. the children - or even themselves, as they don't really believe in their hearts that they won't "win". These people are in my opinion the lowest of the low. They are unbelievably selfish and are also, I believe the group that is most prone to the harassment of the MP and/or BS. I also believe that this is the smallest group of OP.

 

So, though I believe every situation is different in some ways, I also believe that each of them fits, however loosely, into one of the above scenarios. Just my opinion.

[puddleofmud]

Great post and well thought out--couldn't have said it better myself.

For the most part I've found that both BS and OW, other than a far flung few, are extremely gracious and good ladies.

Honestly, if it weren't for some lovely and kind BS (and some well-meaning rather "honest" BS (you know who you are!) whom expressed themselves in frustration) on this forum, waaay back in my "anger" phase; I may have made some horrible decisions.

As well so many OW also reverberated my frustrations and took myself to heart in order that I became more wise minded.

I doubt that either BS or OP think wisely in initial betrayal because the pain is too great.

I agree that most is about the initiallity for both BS and OP--then what happens is unique--no one is exactly the same and should't be expected to be.

However, I do agree, for the most part, with the three stated categories.

[pureinheart]

I tried to keep some perspective, realizing not everyone is the same. During the time that I was being harrassed by W, it seemed as though there were many vengeful, angry BW's in this forum...

 

I began to see most BW's as the one I was dealing with....now am far removed from the situation that am not affected at all, nor see the BW's the way I did.

[Nyx]

Silktricks - I'm amazed at the capacity of most of the women here from both sides of the fence as it were, to empathise with one another. It's all too easy to lump everyone into the same category, to tar everyone with the same brush. A lot of the time we don't see the other side of the equation, albeit a three part equation, relying on nothing more than heresay from the 'equals' part to mould our opinions. Thus it becomes difficult to make a valid judgement about the other person involved.

 

I think your three types of OW are an excellent analysis. There might be a fourth group where they don't want the MM to fall in love with them and they never fall in love with him, but they make mutual use of one another until one of the other calls it a day which both accept. There's no high noon drama no D-day, just a parting of the ways and the BS is none the wiser. I suspect some of your second group starts this way.

[mopar crazy]

Being and xOW to a man in a CR and also a BW I do not categorize every OW in the same picture.

 

 

All I can say about my WH xOW was that she was uncaring of any woman's feelings other than her own and maybe her own close friends. In fact the xOW told me that she didn't care if a man was M or not, she was going to flirt w/ him, go after him, etc. She said she goes after what she wants. She told me she can't go into a store w/o some W giving her dirty looks b/c they think she is after their H or had an A w/ them. She said it is so funny to get those kind of looks from W. She was proud of her trampy reputation. I told her I didn't find it funny at all....that shut her up

 

H's xOW didn't care and probably still doesn't, whom she hurts as long as she gets what she wants. The only reason why she didn't tell me the truth about her and my WH A was b/c WH didn't want it out in the open yet. I'm sure she would of loved to tell me she was screwing my H and being proud of it.

 

This sums up WH's xOW: Third is the group of OP who know that the MP is married, doesn't care and simply sets out to make the MP fall in love with them. In essence they set out to "capture" a MP, caring not at all of the consequences to anyone, the MP, the BS. the children - or even themselves, as they don't really believe in their hearts that they won't "win". These people are in my opinion the lowest of the low. They are unbelievably selfish and are also, I believe the group that is most prone to the harassment of the MP and/or BS. I also believe that this is the smallest group of OP.

 

 

Thanks silk!

[mammax3]

Thank you for this post!

 

I've never believed that I could be an OW, and I so far haven't been. But I have seen it happen, and it's quite similiar to what you suggested with your categories.

 

I am a BW with (almost) three kids. I haven't painted the OW at all, actually. She could be listening to his lies (either about herself or about me and our kids) and believing them. Or she doesn't know. I have to maintain that no OP would intentionally go out and hurt the BS, since I can't imagine anyone getting much out of it.

 

I didn't realize that OW may end it. But why would they? (I have to say, this gives me a glimmer of hope)... Is it because the CH becomes as 'comfortable' in the new relationship as the married one? The sheen wears off of the affair? Regular old relationship incompatibilities?

 

Smartgirl and Silk, thank you so much for your posts. I feel better for having read them.

[frannie]

For the OW/OM, do you paint every BS with the same brush as the BS in your situation or do you find yourself compassionate to each different situation?

 

Well, as every OW is in the affair for a different reason or set of reasons, then of course every BS is there for a different reason too.

 

I have no real idea why my MM's wife is in the situation she is in. I can only really think about him, since I don't know her, or anything about her, really.

 

I really find it hard to understand why he is married to someone he cares little or nothing about, but... I suppose I understand why he continues to be in that situation. But.. you asked about her...

 

... and I just don't know. WHY she continues to be there... no relationship, no love, no sex, little contact... why..? Is she sad, unfulfilled, happy to be rid of him, desperate to have him home..? I have no idea. I would have a guess however that she's NOT desperate to see him when he returns...

 

... just a couple of examples.. he was here all valentines day and there was no question of whether that would be the case or not, and... next week is his birthday... he mentioned to her he'd be away for that day and it wasn't a biggie... nothing...

 

Of course.. situations are different.

[Trialbyfire]

... just a couple of examples.. he was here all valentines day and there was no question of whether that would be the case or not, and... next week is his birthday... he mentioned to her he'd be away for that day and it wasn't a biggie... nothing...

 

Of course.. situations are different.

frannie, I don't purport to know anything about the BS in your situation but your examples of Valentine's day and birthdays can be explained. After years of being together, the day itself doesn't matter, as long as it's celebrated on different agreed upon days.

[GreenEyedLady]

I didn't realize that OW may end it. But why would they? (I have to say, this gives me a glimmer of hope)... Is it because the CH becomes as 'comfortable' in the new relationship as the married one? The sheen wears off of the affair? Regular old relationship incompatibilities?

 

I would venture to say that the MAJORITY of A's end because the OW's end it...the better question would be why would the MM end it? He gets the best of both worlds...

 

OW end it because they get tired of it...they know they can get the type of R they want and tire of waiting for it from the MM...it has to do with wanting what you deserve...