car2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 So anybody wanting a happy marriage, here is my free advice: sex twice per week. Everything else will simply take care of itself. You make it sound so simple, tommyr. I'm sorry but I have to respectfully disagree; everything may not take care of itself if only couples have sex at least twice a week. From my perspective, great sex is not the be all end all of a relationship, although I certainly agree that it is an important part. You, as a couple, have to want to have that great sex, and that has to come from a place far deeper than that part in you that worries about how many times a week you do it. I think great sex is a benefit of a great relationship, not the other way around.
Lizzie60 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 What one person considers a healthy sex life may not be necessarily healthy for another one. Also, it is often the case between two partners, one wants more than the other... for the first years, no one says anything... then slowly the routine kicks in... the work, the kids, then the sex gets further on the priority list. Couple makes efforts to deal with their financial stuff, their kids, their house, their circle of friends but neglect the intimate stuff. sad but true.
get.mos Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 ok, first off, please don't think me anal retentive with the specifics of my comments. but, since the original poster is asking specific questions, here are my details... been w/my partner for almost 10 yrs (7 married).relationship hit a bump recently (w/in last 2 yrs). are working on it, but i don't rule out the possibility that we may not make it.i'm also of the school that it's quality, not quantity. sex reinforces the special relationship you have w/your partner. (i mean, we all have relationships - business, platonic friends, etc., but we don't F* 'em all.) this is the one way that you can show someone how special they are to you.ok, no laughing, but here are some details... january: 25xfebruary: 26xmarch: 25xapril: 24xi'll also add that we didn't do it every day. some days were more than 1x; more often, it's just 1x/day, so the above stats are off.the most # of days we went w/o doing it = 3 days.there are definitely other factors that play a role in your sex life: religion being one of them. how many people feel that sex is just to procreate? i have many friends whose relationships are sexless. for many individuals (stereotypically men, but i'll add myself to that group), sex provides an emotional bond as well. what @ just time management? people who work different days or shifts can definitely have less time to have sex. what about parental influence? if you didn't see your parents physically, holding hands, for eg, perhaps you didn't learn the significance of touch. there truly are so many factors. i will disagree with a comment made that if you have sex 2x/week, everything else is ok. i have sex more than that (obviously): my relationship is not perfect. i'll admit: it's better than most relationships i know and have observed. and, for the sake of completion, only reason i actually can give the specific answers above is because my relationship hit a bump. if i'm to believe the excuses given to me, then i've questioned every action i've done. i've become very introspective and analytical my behavior w/regards to my relationship. my sexual activity has not increased; i've just logged it. the only time i can think of my sexual activity decreasing is when i had to let one of my dogs go. even now, even w/the trust factor very uncertain, sex is an integral part of my relationship. it's what distinguishes my relationship from my relationships w/other people i know.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 ok, no laughing, but here are some details... january: 25xfebruary: 26xmarch: 25xapril: 24xi'll also add that we didn't do it every day. some days were more than 1x; more often, it's just 1x/day, so the above stats are off.the most # of days we went w/o doing it = 3 days. How do you keep track of these totals? Mr. Lucky
get.mos Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 hey Mr. Lucky: as i stated in my post, i've overanalyzed my behavior because of the bump in my relationship. i have an engagement calendar, and i've literally tracked what days we've had sex. (i also happen to track how often i exercise, though. i try to exercise at least 4 days/week for 1-1.5 hours.) that's how i was able to throw out those stats. i haven't tracked my stats too long, though. i think i only started back in sept/oct of last year. again, this is all because of a major bump, where we almost decided to go separate ways. i speak as if that's the past; i can't quite say that either. i am trying to trust my partner again, but i'm not there yet.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 i am trying to trust my partner again, but i'm not there yet. I guess what I was really wondering was how counting the number of times monthly you have sex helps you put things back together. Subjectively, you would know whether you were satisfied with that part of the relationship, so what is the benefit of tracking and attaching a numerical value? Mr. Lucky BTW - I do the same thing, but I put notches in the bedpost
tommyr Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 How do you keep track of these totals? Mr. Lucky I too am keeping track: All of 2006: 15x Jan: 4x Feb: 4x March: 4x April: 2x For 2007, 14 times over 120 days = once every 8.6 days Needless to say, I do NOT consider this a healthy sex life. But we are now in counseling and will see how it goes. It is sad that we see our MC (once/week) alot more often than we have sex.
get.mos Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I guess what I was really wondering was how counting the number of times monthly you have sex helps you put things back together. Subjectively, you would know whether you were satisfied with that part of the relationship, so what is the benefit of tracking and attaching a numerical value? Mr. Lucky, i'm not sure it really "helps," per se. my partner (from his perspective) had a "nervous breakdown" last year and decided that we shouldn't continue our marriage anymore. he then travelled half way around the world w/a coworker to sort out his thoughts. when he returned, he said he wanted to work on our relationship. i told him that i'm done. but mentally speaking, he wasn't there. depression, suicide, etc. i'm not one to kick someone when they're down. we really haven't talked @ it; i unfortunately haven't sorted out my feelings of anger, frustration, suspicion, trust. and, if i am to believe his "nervous breakdown" story, then i've literally second-guessed everything i do with regards to my relationship: whether or not we're having enough sex to his satisfaction being one of them. at this point, i do it now just because it's fun to see our frequency. but, for e.g., a while ago (completely separate from this issue), i once told my partner that i thought he went out and partied w/his friends too much. he then told me that i need to prove it. track it for a month. i did just that and noticed that he went out 3-4x/week. when i broached the subject again, with evidence, he then got mad at me and accused me of being suspicious and wondered why i tracked his partying activity. obviously, we have issues we have to work on. and i question my own behavior too.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 he then travelled half way around the world w/a coworker to sort out his thoughts. I'm assuming the "coworker" was female Sounds like you've been through a lot. As things stand now, what do you want from the relationship? Mr. Lucky
get.mos Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I'm assuming the "coworker" was female As things stand now, what do you want from the relationship? yes. and, i have to say, i wouldn't really suspect anything, except for the fact that he lied to me about the trip w/his coworker, even when i confronted him about it and said, "hey i know." he has had other trips with, albeit male, friends, and i have no qualms about that because he's a little more of a gypsy than i and i also had some family obligations (health) that precluded me from wanting to travel far. as for what i want? i don't know. that's where i'm confused. i'm trying to figure out if i can let go of my anger and try to make our relationship work or if i can't and i have to let him go.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 as for what i want? i don't know. that's where i'm confused. i'm trying to figure out if i can let go of my anger and try to make our relationship work or if i can't and i have to let him go. Tough situation. Maybe IC would make more sense for you than MC to try and understand both where you are and where you want to be in your relationship. You need to at least have hope and some idea of what a "happy ending" would be for both of you. I hope it works out... Mr. Lucky
get.mos Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Maybe IC would make more sense for you than MC to try and understand both where you are and where you want to be in your relationship. i do see various life coaches/counselors. my partner has no interest in this, as he feels he has already done everything he needs to (counseling-wise). thx for the hope.
happygirl70 Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 It seems that the men are always the ones who wish for more and better sex (or maybe just more). I am not sure what it is about women that we get so comfortable that we kinda forget that our man is still the same guy who wants it all the time. Life gets crazy and full and what seems to go by the wayside is sex. I admit, I was there! In my defense I went through a bad time with my health and hormones. Anyway, I got well informed on my husband's porn use by a look on his computer... I wasn't even looking for that. Boy, it really put things into perspective and I had to decide what I was going to do to make it better. Well, that brought about a very open and candid discussion about sex that has continued until today. I believe our sex life is healthy now and I am actually the one who is running after him most of the time now. I think 2 or 3 times a week is a pretty good week (I'm 5 months pregnant right now). Sometimes it is better quality than others, depending on our energy level and what is going on in our life. Being intimate is SO important and I crave just being close. It is my thought that a lot of women just feel kind of used for sex. A lot of couples get into the rut of not touching unless sex is going to be involved and intimacy is so much more than that. It really is that touch on the arm in the morning or doing something sweet for each other during the day...thinking of the other person's needs and fulfilling them in a non sexual way. PLUS, I hear so many women who tell me that sex with their partner/husband is just 'twist a nipple and hop on' and that is NOT a turn on for us. A good way to get more sex is to find out what really turns your woman on!! Sounds like a simple answer, but it is THE way to get what you want.
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