luvstarved Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 No, I don’t feel that I have a healthy sex life. I would prefer increased frequency AND I would love a closer connection when we are intimate. I’m not satisfied when we have sex once a week and the time together is approached as primarily a physical act focused on orgasm. Like it’s two people, each with their own getting off to do, one oblivious of the other, in a race to orgasm. I’ve communicated ideas I’ve had to improve our sex life; our sexuality. Sexuality as a part of our overall relationship, taken together with our physical, mental and emotional well being. I would consider healthy sexuality to include feeling wanted and desired by your partner; feeling sexually attractive to your partner. My wife knows I'm attracted to her, but I can’t recall the last time she told me with word, a certain look or with her body that she wanted me. The last time she seduced me. I would consider healthy to include the ability to have open communication concerning sexuality, sharing likes and dislikes and a willingness to look at doing things differently, diversity. Not healthy when one partner approaches the physical relationship as a duty or obligation and is unresponsive or indifferent to the needs or wants of the other partner. No variety - always the same location, lighting, repertoire...same bat time, same bat channel. I’ve suggested talking about it, asking for what we each want, taking time to go slowly and pleasure each other, trading roles, massage and other physical acts without being sexual, stretching our edges, showers, etc…making a conscious effort to stay connected with each other and to explore our sexuality as an integral part of that connection. HOLY CRAP, this is just how I feel and have so much frustration trying to convey this to my husband. He JUST DOES NOT GET IT!!! The funny thing is, when I read this, I think - well who the hell would NOT want exactly that? And my hopes at this point are that secretly my H and I DO both want that, but that he is unable to comply because of misunderstandings - past mistakes, poor communication, leftover resentments... On the other hand, I wonder if a lot of people just aren't "into it" and would genuinely prefer to be left alone on the sex thing...if that turns out to be the case for me, well...I don't know what I'll do...
Mr. Lucky Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 after all getting bad sex 5 times a week is not as good or as healthy as getting really good sex once a week. My first marriage was so sex-starved, I would have been very happy to progress to BAD sex ONCE a week Been married 20 years the second time, things are good in that respect. 2-3X a week is our norm, although one of those is usually my wife giving me a BJ only (I pay her back with interest the other 2X!). As you get older, things slow down, so that frequency works great for both of us... Mr. Lucky
Curmudgeon Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I know you weren't asking me but as far as I'm concerned, a "healthy" sex life is one in which each partner's reasonable needs are met and each partner is will to meet the reasonable needs of the other.
silktricks Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 and married almost 20. We have sex most days. If we don't have it a minimum of 4 times a week it's only because one of us is ill (or out of town )
Guest Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I've just completed menopause and have told my husband in no uncertain terms that the sexual part of my life with him is over.Of course,he has also been told that this free's him from any obligation to be sexually faithfully to me.I'm looking for new places for us to live now,someplace big enough that we can each have separate bedrooms.
lei66 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 and married almost 20. We have sex most days. If we don't have it a minimum of 4 times a week it's only because one of us is ill (or out of town )I knew it.... we aren't the only ones....Thanks, I was starting to wonder....
Mr. Lucky Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I knew it.... we aren't the only ones....Thanks, I was starting to wonder.... I'm hesitant to take sexual feedback from any poster with "lei" in her name Mr. Lucky
Adick Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Just popping in with my experience. Was married for ten years. Wife's sexual drive began to swindle right after the birth of our first. Dwindled more after the birth of the second. And was near non-existent by the third. Actually, I think the third was conceived oout of sheer shock that I was getting laid! Anyhow, we went sexless (totally) for the last three years of our marraige and she ultimatlely ended up cheating on me and I tossed her out. SHe is married now so I cannot speak to her sex life. I am dating a younger woman now and we live apart, but close enough. We get together sexually probably two to three times a week--sometimes overnight if the kids are with the ex spouses, sometimes in the morning after the kids are at school, etc.
lei66 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 My first marriage was so sex-starved, I would have been very happy to progress to BAD sex ONCE a week Been married 20 years the second time, things are good in that respect. 2-3X a week is our norm, although one of those is usually my wife giving me a BJ only (I pay her back with interest the other 2X!). As you get older, things slow down, so that frequency works great for both of us... Mr. LuckyI'm hesitant to take sexual feedback from any poster with "lei" in her name Mr. Luckyhmmmm......
Till-Andy Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Coming back to the OP's issue: Well I think if a couple’s sexlife is happy or healty ( = the same?) or not is not depending upon the actual how often-number. If both partners agree principally about how often and how (quantity and quality), then everything is OK. But if they disagree more than slightly, there will be problems whether they do it once a month or twice day. Remember the old joke? A couple visits a therapist for counseling. After haven spoken with both for some time the therapist sends the wife out into the waiting room and asks the husband, how often they have sex: Gosh, he sais, almost never: once or twice a week. He is sent out and the wife is called in. Same question. Gosh, she sais, almost constantly, once or even twice a week. This is an old joke and I thought that the situation it illustrates was over since one or two decades. Apparently it is not. First of all this situation may be an unspoken agreement: He has the impression that he is very potent, that he always could. If he only could prove it. She can bask in the feeling to be utterly desired all the time. Sounds nice but this type of couples give good client for therapists. What can be done? # You can make an arrangement / compromise: more often than she wants, lesser than he wants. This way nobody is satisfied but equal. # He respects the way she wants it. He suffers silently and does not complain. # She lets him do his thing in order to save her marriage, but suffers a bit. # The one who wants more sex goes out and looks for an affair. Sometimes the partner even reccommends and supports this to be able to live in peace. But in most cases partners who want little or no sex turn out to be very jealous, if the other one wants to fill his/her needs elsewhere. # They agree that they suffer too much and seperate. # One of them seperates while the other wants to keep up. Just an example Nobody can give advice to nobody. I can only tell what I did and how the solution worked out. In the first instance I did not have to do anything because some other woman percieved my status of starved man, snapped her fingers and made me have an affair with her. A year or two later I seperated temporarily to find out if that was the way. After a month or two we met by coincidence in the shopping mall, she asked me to come with her, drove with me to a nearby grove and seduced me in a way I had never dreamed of. She was the sexiest woman under the sun. I moved back in and we had a rich sex-life. For a couple of months. Then we went back to normal, to nearly nothing that is. We disputed constantly. I seperated for ever. For ten years I had a bunch of affairs and some real good relationsships but did not think of another really committed one. I became an experienced man. I knew that sex was very important for me, ranking high on my list of values. I wanted to find a woman or women with a similar ranking. They do exist and I found them. My real sex-life began 10 years after my separation. I met my now second wife two thousand miles from here during a vacation trip. We are together for seleven years now (LDR over 200 miles first), married for six years now and living together for three years. And the sex-life? Healthy and happy as we want the same amount and quality: high, very high. I know that other poeple trying the same procedure failed. So there can be no recommendation. Everybody must find out for him/herself.
tommyr Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 # You can make an arrangement / compromise: more often than she wants, lesser than he wants. This way nobody is satisfied but equal. This sounds like a mature and reasonable solution: surely this will work! I wonder though how many people encounter this result: You make an arrangement/compromise and for about 1 month everything goes as planned and both are very happy. But soon enough, typical life interruptions cause a few "missed opportunities" which the the low-libido spouse thinks Oh well this weekend will definitely get back on track! But then weekend comes and somebody catches a brief cold or their period or whatever and before long 2 sexless weeks go by. I believe THIS is the exact dilemma that will make or break my marriage: What happens when it's been 10 days but you are in the middle of a busy work week? I really wish I could answer this one for you because right now we (me+wife) are trying everything to get over this recurring tarpit. Hopefully our new marriage counselor will have some ideas because (thus far) all my efforts to communicate Honey let's just do a quickie in the morning shower she hears it as You are not going to make my sex quota numbers this month and I am pissed off so Spread'Em right now or else
silktricks Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Sometimes the problem is just not having enough time. In America at least, it seems that time is always at a premium. My H and I solved the problem for us by changing our expectation about when to have sex. We both thought "evening", but frankly as soon as my head hit the pillow I'd be out cold (no frigid jokes, OK?). I on the otherhand am an early riser, and used to try very hard to not wake my husband as I prepared for work (I have a long commute, so need to leave quite early.) As a result our sex life began to suffer - which of course contributed to a lot of other problems. Now I wake him on purpose most mornings --- but for some reason, he doesn't mind at all :love: . And when I don't wake him, dinner is usually late.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Honey let's just do a quickie in the morning shower she hears it as You are not going to make my sex quota numbers this month and I am pissed off so Spread'Em right now or else If that's truly the case... then she's still not on the same page with you in terms of understanding how a healthy sex life can be integral to emotional intimacy within the marital relationship. As I've told you before, it's a light bulb moment. And it's difficult for alot of women to arrive at. Try to be patient. Don't internalize, or put words in her mouth. It ain't over 'til it's over, right? She might still get there, so don't count her out yet. Hell, it took me ten years before I was willing to put down the old mindset. When compared to that, she's not doing too bad.
Till-Andy Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 This sounds like a mature and reasonable solution: surely this will work! @ tommyr: as I just said before: this way nobody is satisfied. What I wanted to say is: the foulest of all compromises. Hands off. You make an arrangement/compromise and for about 1 month everything goes as planned .... .... .... Honey let's just do a quickie in the morning shower she hears it as You are not going to make my sex quota numbers this month and I am pissed off so Spread'Em right now or else This sounds to me like the cold war of the fiftees and sixtees between Russia and America: no shooting but no peace either. My recommendation: Love it, change it or leave it (her). I told about my choice in my previous post.
Author LabradorsGalor Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 If that's truly the case... then she's still not on the same page with you in terms of understanding how a healthy sex life can be integral to emotional intimacy within the marital relationship. As I've told you before, it's a light bulb moment. And it's difficult for alot of women to arrive at. Try to be patient. Don't internalize, or put words in her mouth. It ain't over 'til it's over, right? She might still get there, so don't count her out yet. Hell, it took me ten years before I was willing to put down the old mindset. When compared to that, she's not doing too bad. I like the light bulb analogy and belive me it does give me some hope for my wife and me. We went to our new marriage counselor this morning and dove deeply into our sex issues. I remain hopeful that her light bulb moment will occur, but after the session she commented that this is going to be difficult in a tone that left me with some pause. I just hope her libido isn't a pre-Edison light bulb model. Thanks to all who have shared. Reading the posts are very helpful in making me realize that I'm ok with my desires and that sex is an important part of a relationship. In fact, all of your posts have helped me realize that couples without a sexlife tend to have problems...I know its not the only reason for problems but...but it sure seems to be up there. I just wish I would have tackled this issue in my marriage years ago and found this board, and our counselor before now...but life shouldn't be about regrets but a process of learning and improving. So let me ask this question regarding a healthy sexlife...how many couples share fantasies, ideas, and desires with their respective partner or like it when their partner talks to them about their sexual interests?
4whatItsWorth Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Even though I agree on what everyone else said about "healthy" meaning more of a mutual compromise of love and lust...I'd like to point out some ppl do not enjoy sex as much as the other. I'd be happy with once a week, but because I am in a LDR I do it as much as I can when I see him only because I know how long it will take until I can be with him again in between. But probably, once living together, I will not be up for it that often. I never orgasm, sex is nice but that's it. So I have no needs for it more often than once a week, only for intimacy reasons not for own "lust". Just saying if women don't orgasm, might be why it's not that "fun" all the time...it's just not going anywhere.
VirtualInsanity Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Isn't it if the outside of the bedroom is taken care of, so is the inside? Can't see how everything is great. If one is, so is the other.
tommyr Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 LadyJane, as always thanks for the helpful encouragement. Still working towards that light bulb moment, will keep 'ya posted. Till-Andy, its not a fullblown cold war (yet) however I am definitely not gonna Love It so working hard on changing it and only if/when all my efforts fail will resort to leaving. 4whatItsWorth, sorry to hear that for you sex is only "nice" instead of "mind blowingly awesome". Why be content with out orgasm? There must be a solution out there for you! VirtualInsanity, I am guessing you are not married? While often problems outside the bedroom manifest in bad or infrequent sex, this is not always the case.
4whatItsWorth Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 4whatItsWorth, sorry to hear that for you sex is only "nice" instead of "mind blowingly awesome". Why be content with out orgasm? There must be a solution out there for you! Well, when comparing sex I had with two exes which were always CRAP...I'm pretty damn satisfied even having nice sex nowadays! Never had orgasm even on own, so kind of given up on that part. It's just I have the "intercourse part" more for fulfilling the guy's needs rather than my own. Am just saying I am just as happy with just cuddles without the part where the guy gets it. (But for the record, when comparing sex now to sex with exes - the sex life is more like "WOW" - just lacking orgasms)
Till-Andy Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 ... So let me ask this question regarding a healthy sexlife...how many couples share fantasies, ideas, and desires with their respective partner or like it when their partner talks to them about their sexual interests? I had always thought that my fantasies are so much out of this world that I would never have dared to share them with a woman. Until one night a lover told me her's. Wow! A dam was broken. My now (second) wife outperforms me in sharing fantasies and this adds spices and makes our sex a still more wonderful wild thing. She really drives me mad sometimes. But of course I cannot tell you how many couples do this. But there will be some statistics I think.
Very_Confused Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I wouldn't know what a healthy sexlife is anymore. At this point, even if he was interested I'm not sure I would be anymore. Too much hurt and resentment in the way.
Author LabradorsGalor Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Isn't it if the outside of the bedroom is taken care of, so is the inside? Can't see how everything is great. If one is, so is the other. This isn't always the case - at least speaking from my experience. My W is basically not interested in sex. It doesn't cross her mind or enter her enter her thoughts. We've discussed this and basically she's indicated she's just isn't interested in sex. Its perfectly fine after we start but she just doesn't ever think about starting. We had a great relationship outside of the bedroom for a long while...the first few years of our marriage, but I became increasingly frustrated with the lack of sex and passion in our marriage. Things began to slide and my frustration manifested itself in loosing patience with her and starting to argue more frequently with her over dumb stuff.
sunshinegirl Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 So maybe it's more accurate to say that if things are great outside the bedroom, they have a higher likelihood of being great inside the bedroom? ...and that, if things are messed up in one OR the other, eventually BOTH will be affected?
VirtualInsanity Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 VirtualInsanity, I am guessing you are not married? While often problems outside the bedroom manifest in bad or infrequent sex, this is not always the case. No I'm not, sorry. Thread is interesting so I came on by. This isn't always the case - at least speaking from my experience. My W is basically not interested in sex. It doesn't cross her mind or enter her enter her thoughts. We've discussed this and basically she's indicated she's just isn't interested in sex. Its perfectly fine after we start but she just doesn't ever think about starting. We had a great relationship outside of the bedroom for a long while...the first few years of our marriage, but I became increasingly frustrated with the lack of sex and passion in our marriage. Things began to slide and my frustration manifested itself in loosing patience with her and starting to argue more frequently with her over dumb stuff. Oh I'm sorry. Sounds horrible. Hopefully you can work w/ her on this.
Sun_Conure Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 I was married for 5 years. At first sex was ok (not wonderful). But I was not satisfied with it. I educated myself, tried stuff with him. I did manage to find extreme positions that made me enjoy the experience. The problem was he kind of wanted ME to do all the work. So after 5 years of trying to spice up MY sex life, I gave up, got a divorce. Then I met a guy, with whom a simple intercourse was fantastic! I did start up by sharing my fantasies with him though. I guess he loved that too! We even did some of the stuff that I wanted In general, if I am dating a guy and sex life is not impressive, I dump him within a month after starting sex, which comes after I establish that there he is a bf material. In my mind, to have a great healthy relationship both parties must be compatible in all respects, including sex. If sex is not working, the relationship sux
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