LabradorsGalor Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 My W and I have differences of opinions on what a healthy sexlife includes and involves. By most definitions we are classified as a sexless marriage. I also realize this may work for some couples and there there is no standard "norm" for what makes up a healthy and fulfilling sexlife - other than if it works for the individual couple. However, my wife has made comments to me that suggest I'm an oversexed person or that other couples don't have "frequent" sex after being married as long as we have (10 years). Given that the definition of a healthy sexlife depends on each couple, I am curious to hear from people who feel that have a healthy sexlife. What is your definition of a healthy sexlife??
blind_otter Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 About once a day, depending on the circumstances. Like, I was having sex less during tax season because I was working 50-60 hours a week. But when everything else in my life is normal and I'm not going through any external stressors -- once a day. I'm 27, female, divorced, in a long term relationship for nearly 2 years.
Topper Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 In 10 years? depending on kids and work load, I would say once or twice a week would be normal. Quality is often better then quantity.
Totoro Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 there is no standard "norm" for what makes up a healthy and fulfilling sexlife - other than if it works for the individual couple. However, my wife has made comments to me that suggest I'm an oversexed person or that other couples don't have "frequent" sex after being married as long as we have (10 years). I think it just depends on the couple, as you said. One couple might be absolutely fine with once or twice a week, and another couple might have sex once a day or twice a day. Maybe your wife has a low libido? Trouble with orgasm? There could be a million reasons why she doesn't wanna have sex as much as you do... ALSO...have you ever heard of the Fleshlight? If not, google it. Seriously. If I were a guy in your situation, I'd buy one!
michelangelo Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 ALSO...have you ever heard of the Fleshlight? If not, google it. Seriously. If I were a guy in your situation, I'd buy one! I bought one of those about a year ago because I am in what i would call a sexless marriage and can't pull the plug just yet (long story). On the one hand, the darn thing is the best jerking off "enhancement" I've ever tried. It really feels good to use. On the other hand, it does not replace having sex with an interested lover. I wish I could demote it to the back bench for occasional use and have sex instead.
tommyr Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 However, my wife has made comments to me that suggest I'm an oversexed person or that other couples don't have "frequent" sex after being married as long as we have (10 years). In the past, my wife tried to use that logic on me too, and for the same reason as yours (she herself has very little interest in sex but I do). I remind her that of the few marriages which actually survive 10 years, many are simply glorified room-mates where one or both partners are having affairs. So if MY wife plans to stay married to ME, then WE better be having frequent sex together (it's irrelevant what other couples are doing).
mental_traveller Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 It partly depends on age and other factors like business, stress, health etc. But I'd say any less than 2-3 per week is pretty abnormal. Personally I think 2 per day is good - why the hell wouldn't you want to have sex with your partner when you wake up and go to bed? That's assuming you never have sex during the day too.
Author LabradorsGalor Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Thanks for everyone that has shared their thoughts. Again, I'm not interested in findout what is the general belief of what is normal, typical, or the average number of times an average couple does it averagely during a year. Rather I am truly curious to hear from people that feel they have a healthy sexlife and why the feel its healthy. Again, its not the number of times in a week, but the quality of the experience and how you share...or what ever your thoughts are on what makes for a healthy sexlife. I'm quite confident that my wife could have sex with me every day of the week but if its routine or she's not into it then its not going to work either. I get that. Sex is about being intimate...at least for me. I am challenging myself to open my mind a bit about what it means to have a quality sexlife with a life partner. Your thoughts appreciated.
StayClose Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 LG doesn't ahve a lot of posts yet, but he's caught my attention because he sounds a lot like me, and his wife sounds a lot like my wife. I think it's typical for people to slow down after being together for ten years. The problem is that if it were were up to me, that would be from 5-7 times a week early in the relationship (which is about what it was then), to about twice a week now. For me, thats about the minimum I need to avoid feeling blue-balled or wanting to masturbate to get me through until the next time. Unfortunately, my wife has little interest in sex at all for the past two years, but she knows that men has needs and feels once or twice a month (with little foreplay, just get hard, stick it in and finish quickly please) is a reasonable comprimize. So I'm also interested, like LG, in hearing from people who have been with their partners for 8-10 years or more and are happy with their sex lives, how often, and how free & varied is it?
lei66 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 So I'm also interested, like LG, in hearing from people who have been with their partners for 8-10 years or more and are happy with their sex lives, how often, and how free & varied is it? I know this isn't the norm but my husband and I have been married for over 20 yrs. and we still have sex 9 times a week...sometimes more....never less than 7.....
tommyr Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I know this isn't the norm but my husband and I have been married for over 20 yrs. and we still have sex 9 times a week...sometimes more....never less than 7..... I know nothing about lei66 (first time poster and hopefully not a troll) but I think we can assume that she and husband have been quite happy and faithful in their marriage. Now what is the precise mathematical correlation between a satisfying sex life and marriage success? And more importantly, which comes first? I am sure this has been thoroughly researched, and I would bet the "sex once per month" are the marriages hanging on but in serious trouble. Less than that, probably at least one partner is shopping for a lawyer, having an affair, or visibly mad/bitter in the marriage. So anybody wanting a happy marriage, here is my free advice: sex twice per week. Everything else will simply take care of itself.
Citizen Erased Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I count healthy as not having to keep track of how long it is between each time you have sex.
lei66 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 know nothing about lei66 (first time poster and hopefully not a troll) but I think we can assume that she and husband have been quite happy and faithful in their marriage Yes my husband is happy and faithful....what is a troll? I have seen that term before on another forum....but what is it?
JackJack Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I think it depends to, on what else is going on in the marriage. Alot of people think that the sex either slacks off or comes to a complete halt first. Without ever looking to see if there is a real reason why it has. Some don't see the whole picture, all they see is, they are not getting the sex they want/need. Usually something else has happened within the relationship to cause the sex to become they way it is. So the frquency or lack there of probably depends on that, and how close they may feel to the other person etc.
cranium Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Rather I am truly curious to hear from people that feel they have a healthy sexlife and why the feel its healthy. Again, its not the number of times in a week, but the quality of the experience and how you share...or what ever your thoughts are on what makes for a healthy sexlife. No, I don’t feel that I have a healthy sex life. I would prefer increased frequency AND I would love a closer connection when we are intimate. I’m not satisfied when we have sex once a week and the time together is approached as primarily a physical act focused on orgasm. Like it’s two people, each with their own getting off to do, one oblivious of the other, in a race to orgasm. I’ve communicated ideas I’ve had to improve our sex life; our sexuality. Sexuality as a part of our overall relationship, taken together with our physical, mental and emotional well being. I would consider healthy sexuality to include feeling wanted and desired by your partner; feeling sexually attractive to your partner. My wife knows I'm attracted to her, but I can’t recall the last time she told me with word, a certain look or with her body that she wanted me. The last time she seduced me. I would consider healthy to include the ability to have open communication concerning sexuality, sharing likes and dislikes and a willingness to look at doing things differently, diversity. Not healthy when one partner approaches the physical relationship as a duty or obligation and is unresponsive or indifferent to the needs or wants of the other partner. No variety - always the same location, lighting, repertoire...same bat time, same bat channel. I’ve suggested talking about it, asking for what we each want, taking time to go slowly and pleasure each other, trading roles, massage and other physical acts without being sexual, stretching our edges, showers, etc…making a conscious effort to stay connected with each other and to explore our sexuality as an integral part of that connection.
Sheba Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I have a lot of problems in my marriage and one of them has been that we don't have sex as often as I would like to, however when we do it is very good. So, maybe I can answer in a helpful way. We have been together 10 years. We have sex once a week, occasionally twice. It is always very mutual and loving and we are both very interested in making each other happy.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 but I can’t recall the last time she told me with word, a certain look or with her body that she wanted me. The last time she seduced me. Wow, this hit home with me. Seems I am always the one who intiates sex, flirts and wants to fool around and my H doesn't return the favour. Sometimes I walk around topless, shake my boobs at my H, rub up against him.... Everyone needs to feel and see that their spouse desires them. I miss that long gazing look across the room, or being out at dinner and the eyes lock and you just KNOW what's gonna happen as soon as you get home.... We're going on 14 years and our sex life is up and down. When things are good, we have sex alot but when it's not, sex is rare. I do have to say though we do cuddle and talk, so massages, back scratches etc, the intimacy is there - Just not the sex or fooling around. With Spring here, sex seems to be happening more too, so I'm happy about that. Like all couples we have our moments when things aren't great but I try my best to overreact. I'm more sexual than he is, which is odd seeing as most men are the ones who have sex on the brain 24/7 - With us, it's me. I learned the long and hard way (sorry about the pun!) not to take it personally and not let it reflect the way he feels about me.
IpAncA Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I think it depends to, on what else is going on in the marriage. Alot of people think that the sex either slacks off or comes to a complete halt first. Without ever looking to see if there is a real reason why it has. Some don't see the whole picture, all they see is, they are not getting the sex they want/need. Usually something else has happened within the relationship to cause the sex to become they way it is. So the frquency or lack there of probably depends on that, and how close they may feel to the other person etc. Yep I agree too.
mockeryjones Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 i don't think that a healthy sex life can be quantified by a schedule. after all getting bad sex 5 times a week is not as good or as healthy as getting really good sex once a week. i think a healthy sex life is one in which both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy and pleasure they derive from each other. this really can't be scheduled (or at least not consistently). on the other hand both partners remaining open to the idea more often than not is also important. multiple rejections from either a husband or wife can make a sex life unhealthy. when one person feels frustrated and that frustration begins leaking into other aspects of the realtionship that's when a couple's sex life becomes unhealthy.
Author LabradorsGalor Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 I count healthy as not having to keep track of how long it is between each time you have sex. Well said darlin_coco
bab Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I count healthy as not having to keep track of how long it is between each time you have sex. I think this is probably the best measuring stick yet. It depends on our week and what else is going on in our lives as to how often we have sex. But as long as neither of us feels the need to "keep track" so to speak, then it's good. When we start calculating how long it's been, it's been to long.
Author LabradorsGalor Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 I would prefer increased frequency AND I would love a closer connection when we are intimate. I’m not satisfied when we have sex once a week and the time together is approached as primarily a physical act focused on orgasm. Sexuality as a part of our overall relationship, taken together with our physical, mental and emotional well being. .... but I can’t recall the last time she told me with word, a certain look or with her body that she wanted me. The last time she seduced me. Cranium when I read your post I had to take a double take. It was as though I had written it. I appreciate and understand where you are in your relationship and the pain and anguish you're feeling. Sex clearly doesn't make a relationship but it sure can ruin one. I think my wife as seduced me two, maybe three times, in the last 8 to 10 years and this has been after we've had a major blowup in our lives over the lack of intimacy. For me, sex isn't the only form of intimacy that is important - or so I'm discovering. I thought WhichWayisUp's post was very on target regarding those other forms of intimacy that I seem to think should go along with a "healthy" (please note I didn't say normal) sexlife. I know and understand, as does my wife (we do talk some about this issue) that there needs to be a sense of connection and closeness to developing a healthy sexlife. The problem I seem to be struggling with is that we are working on those other forms of intimacy but she continues to ignore or avoid sex and I don't really understand why despite efforts to understand. She says she doesn't feel sexual and doesn't want to have sex anymore when she feels pressured and obligated. Believe me I don't want that either. I'm just struggling and frustrated and don't understand, how, for example, we can go out for a great morning mt. bike ride (we're both very active), enjoy a post ride beer at the neighborhood spot with friends, laugh, generally enjoy each others company. All seems to be perfect with the day and at that momement. And then when we return home for a shower, I'm feeling close to her and ready willing and able...she just wants to shower get dressed and get on with the day's chores.
Aloros Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 In my last relationship (5.5 years), we did not have a healthy sex life. I was fine with what we had, he wanted more. We started out at maybe 3-4x/week and just kind of tapered off over the years. At the end it was about 1/week, and only because he complained. I thought I just had a low libido. I simply wasn't interested. I would say I have a healthy sex life in my current relationship (9 months). It's fantastic and at least 1/day. Guess I don't have a low libido after all. I think the big difference, in retrospect, is that I was just never that attracted to my ex. He was very good-looking in an aesthetic sense, but his mannerisms and his behavior kind of turned me off. I never really respected him. In addition to that, he had a hard time keeping his word to me, and I always knew his music, his friends, etc. all came before me (though he said differently). I was always nagging or pleading for him to do the things he'd said he would. I resented him. My current SO makes me feel loved and adored. I admire and respect him, and I'm attracted to him on more than just a physical level. He makes me feel amazing. Being with him has significantly lowered my stress level as opposed to raising it. If at one time you and your wife had more sex, and now she claims she just isn't interested, I'd see that as either a medical problem or a symptom of some larger issue in the relationship.
Author LabradorsGalor Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 I think the big difference, in retrospect, is that I was just never that attracted to my ex. He was very good-looking in an aesthetic sense, but his mannerisms and his behavior kind of turned me off. I never really respected him. In addition to that, he had a hard time keeping his word to me, and I always knew his music, his friends, etc. all came before me (though he said differently). I was always nagging or pleading for him to do the things he'd said he would. I resented him. Wow this comment hit home with me and has made me think even more about how I relate with my wife. I know I'm guilty of neglect and know I've turned my wife off with mannerisms, comments, and priorities. I've blamed her for taking sex out of our life as to why I focused on other things in my life other than her. It's a self perpetuating issue. We do have serious underlying issues in our relationship that we are both working on. I've been spending a lot of time and energy trying to change my lifestyle (less work, more fun, and more focus on her). All and all its been a good transition for me regardless of my outcome with my wife. I'm less stressed, enjoying life, and lost a lot of weight and now am a fit dude - if I do say so myself (because my wife surely won't. Ok so i'm a little bitter still). One of the things I've been challenging myself to do and trying do on a daily basis is to do things for my wife. Arlos, your post helped put some context as to the things and reasons my wife isn't feeling sexual toward me. In fact we had a bit of an argument this morning of just these vary issues. Reading your post helps me understand, at least in part, her issues. I am cautiously optimistic we can make it work - and if its too late at least I'll go out trying.
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