Bruxelles Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 First of all excuse my english. I've met my girlfriend in december( so we have a rather short relationship). It wasn't love on first sight for both of us but we spent a lot of time together(also in bed) and so the feelings began to grow. In February we had a weekend where we had to smaller verbal fights. I made the mistake of asking her why she didn't pay me attention(later I realized that she was only tired). But instead of reacting as I had expected( shortly explaining her behaviour) she seemed to be shocked and withdraw from me - she even thought about ending all. Later she told me that she had a 3-year-relationship where her ex put a lot of emotional demands and pressure on here. The relationship ended last year in July. Well I thought that she would realize that I've got insecurities but that I don't blame her for this. Unfortunately from this day she didn't trusted the relationship anymore. She withdraw more and more and my fear of losing her went over the top. I made an appointment to a psychologist but unfortunately I couldn't stop to talk about our issues with her 1-2 times the week. And her trust went downwards. Well 3 weeks ago we went on holiday and I thought that the situation would relax but instead of this she became much more distant and didn't want to kiss me anymore. We made a pregnancy test and in the moment that we saw that the test is positive she told me that we are finished. She thought that she had to make a decision and decided against me. I was shocked and tried -like usual- to talk this idea out of her brain:this are only your fears and they could be managed with a therapy. Without big success. I had only success when I told her that she had to realize that for me a finish is a finish. So she said that we should wait and see. Back home I started an appeasement policy. I was so shocked that I thought I have to understand what is going on(with her) and I take measures that she isn't afraid any more of our relationship. Long story short: I don't sleep at her home, I don't kiss her, I see her once or twice but her behaviour gets more and more cold and disrespectful. I thought about many different theories but only this morning while reading some articles of Dobson( "Love must be tough") I realized my mistakes. Especially in the last weeks: Begging + trying to talk her into our relationship + accepting everything from here("actually I can't stand any emotional demand"). If I go on with this behaviour our relationship is doomed and I am afraid of this - especially as we are becoming a baby. We aren't separated - she calls me her boyfriend- but the situation is rather tricky. Actually I don't feel a lot of self-esteem - especially in her presence. What should I do? Quitting it and using the time to recover? This would be tough for me(I'm jealous). Because of the baby we are always in contact - is this a plus or rather negative? And because we are only together for 4 months I don't know if it is enough for her to feel the urge to come back.
Davis Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Are you sure she doesn't have another guy?? That would explain a lot. An "appeasement policy"? No offense bro, but are you a total wuss? I think you got some good insight reading Dobson. Continue to man up. You have to go no contact and tough love. You don't need her. If she calls about the baby, that's all you talk about. Nothing else. I think she's blaming you when she is the one with the issues. Of course you have low self-esteem. That's because this type of woman sucks the confidence right out of you. And once they've done that, then they don't respect us, loss interest and treat us like crap. We've talked about not being a doormat here on LS. Get tough bro.
Bruxelles-not logged Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Well...as an extra-information.. She told me that if I force her to make a decision( relationship or not) she would decide against it. I know this and so it wouldn't make much sense in this situation. But I also would prefer not to finish it. Trying to build up space is rather difficult in my situation. We see each other perhaps once or twice a week and then only for some - for me- unpleasant hours. We are both tense and I don't get anything I wish. This declined in the last 4 weeks. I know I have to get some respect back and secondly I hope that some of our problems are connected with the pregnancy mood change.
Author Bruxelles Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 thanks for your reply. Are you sure she doesn't have another guy?? Like I said: I'm jealous so your post immediately gave me a good feeling. But even for a jealous man like me it's surprising that for a lot of you behind every relationship problem there can be found a lover. In this case I'm rather sure that there is no other lover. An "appeasement policy"? No offense bro, but are you a total wuss? I think you got some good insight reading Dobson. Continue to man up. You have to go no contact and tough love. You don't need her. If she calls about the baby, that's all you talk about. Nothing else. I think she's blaming you when she is the one with the issues. Of course you have low self-esteem. That's because this type of woman sucks the confidence right out of you. And once they've done that, then they don't respect us, loss interest and treat us like crap. We've talked about not being a doormat here on LS. Get tough bro. I don't get it. This can't be a sensible reaction. Sure I'm thinking about giving her free but this doesn't mean that I overreact in this way. She doesn't treat me actually with respect but this is for a big part my own fault:) But you are right: she has issues.
Davis Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 thanks for your reply. Like I said: I'm jealous so your post immediately gave me a good feeling. But even for a jealous man like me it's surprising that for a lot of you behind every relationship problem there can be found a lover. In this case I'm rather sure that there is no other lover. I don't get it. This can't be a sensible reaction. Sure I'm thinking about giving her free but this doesn't mean that I overreact in this way. She doesn't treat me actually with respect but this is for a big part my own fault But you are right: she has issues. You're welcome. Because most of the time when a woman changes her behavior and doesn't care about you, there is another guy in the picture. When they have another guy, they don't care about being nice to you. I understand that you don't get it. You do have to act the opposite of how you would normally act if you want her behavior and possibly your relationship to change. It is counter-intuitive, but it's your only chance. It's the same idea that you read with Dobson. Ok, if it's your fault that she disrespects you (which she obviously does), I can almost guarantee that it's because you are doing the typical guy behavior of chasing her, "appeasing" her and being a wuss. Given that, how could she respect you? Do some reading online about saving your relationship and getting your lover back. You will find some good advice. If you read about doing no contact when you're married or have kids with them, you will find they will give you the same advice I just gave you. Get tough and good luck.
Author Bruxelles Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Thanks Davis... I'm not sure if I should back off or make an ultimatum... I fear that an ultimatum would finish all immediately..
Davis Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Thanks Davis... I'm not sure if I should back off or make an ultimatum... I fear that an ultimatum would finish all immediately.. You should BACK OFF! Did I say anything about an ultimatum?? Why would you do that? Of course it would finish it, she's already basically out the door, so I'm sure her response to that would be fck you. I said you need to completely change your behavior and only talk to her about the baby if you have to have contact. Nothing more. Call if modified NC. The basic principle is the same, NC, but you do have a responsibility with the baby. But beyond that if you want any chance, she has to start to miss you, crave you, get over some of her bad feelings and so on. Did you not read my response advising you to do some online reading about getting your lover back, etc? You might want to buy Brian Canigulia's (sp?) ebook.
Author Bruxelles Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Why should I go NC? I'm reading Dobson and out of this I conlude that I either a) change my behaviour + availability so that she probably realize that she has to move towards me or b) I give her tough love: You can have a relationship on this conditions or nothing What should NC do me good in my situation?
Davis Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 No Contact basically means the same thing, that you "a)" change your availability to none except for the baby when you absolutely have to. By "be tough", I mean don't cave in and contact her or disuss anything about the two of you that doesn't have to do with the baby. Do not discuss your "relationship". Let her do the contacting, don't always be available or respond depending on the situation. The thought is that if you do NC or "a)" as you call it, she may eventually move towards you and that's your only chance with her. It has to be done correctly and IMO it's trickey. It may not even work, but at least if it doesn't you'll be able to emotionally move on more easily and retain your dignity. I don't agree with the ultimatum idea, I don't think that works and you're not in a strength position at all.
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