JimJ Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I posted this in another thread but decided to re-post it as a separate thread. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How would you go about dealing with a partner who still sees their ex out of pity? This is basically the reason my girl still has contact with her ex, even though i can't stand it and she knows that. She won't even tell him that she's moved on and found someone else out of fear of hurting him. They've been broken up since Oct/Nov last year and her and i went straight into a relationship. I know it's sounds like a rebound type situation but it's not because we knew eachother before she broke up with him and things between them had been bad for a long time before i came into the picture. Anyway he asked her over around valentines but she was seeing me. She didn't go into detail when she told him she couldn't see her, only that she had a date. He reacted badly to this and was very bitter towards her. He eventually apologised and they still maintain contact. She sees him every other week just about, and even though i've never asked her this, i'm pretty sure they text messages eachother regulary. The last time she saw him they both went out for dinner to the same restaurant they would frequent when they were a couple. I feel like what i have with her will never be 100% so long as her ex is in the picture.
serial muse Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 You're absolutely right about that. And she's not doing him any favors, either. I'm sure he's still holding out hope, and that's a crappy thing to do to a person. Six months is waaaaay too long to be a coward about this (meaning her, not you). She needs to sack up and tell him.
moman Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Buddy I've been exactly where you are, and you are in a losing battle. Giving her an ultimatum makes you look insecure but accepting the behavior is also bad. I recommend you slow contact with her. Make her miss you, and make her chase after you until she is head over heels. Otherwise, it probably wasn't worth it and you will have saved yourself from feeling like a fool, unlike me.
mental_traveller Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Give her an ultimatum - either she loses the ex or she loses you.
oppath Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I exited a similar situation 3.5 months ago; it hurts. I am not over the trauma, though at least I am out dating. My ex got into a relationship with me just after ending a 5 year relationship -- things weren't bad between them -- but the romance was gone on her end for a long time. She had this notion that he was still her best friend, and that they could and would remain best friends. He had moved several hours away, largely intending it to be temporary for 6 months to a year, and that gave her the motivation for the breakup. She wouldn't tell him about me or introduce me to her friends that knew him because she didn't want it to get back to him she was dating someone, especially so soon after they broke up. I actually understood this and was cool with it at first, especially before we became an official couple. I was even cool with it after that, but my patience started running out when she was talking about love, daydreaming about our kids, telling me she was 85% sure I was the guy she was going to marry, etc. He would come back in town for Thanksgiving and she'd ask if it was ok that she hung out with him. I'd give the ok. I told her I wanted her to tell him about me; she didn't want to hurt his feelings. I persisted, not giving an ultimatum, but telling her it made me feel disrespected. She didn't tell him. I thought she was going to but I didn't bring it up. All this was ~5 months into our relationship -- and yes, I also told her those serious things she said were too much too soon (as she said some of them at 3 months). I recognized the red flags, and expressed displeasure, but I did not act when she didn't follow through. In this was, I was a doormat. I wasn't really, I assertively stood up for myself, but she didn't have the maturity and courage to do what an adult should do in that situation. I haven't had many relationships, truly felt love, so I did not set the ultimatum. I trusted her. I trusted blindly, when I should have had my eyes wide open because I saw the red flags. A couple weeks later he did find out about me by calling her house (she lives with her parents), and her dad answered and asked if it was me. He told her when he talked to her later he didn't want to know details and she didn't give them. No "I have a bf, I like where it is going, I'm sorry if this hurts you." Before I leave to see my family over christmas, she tells me "I would never leave you, I know you have some career things going on but I want you to know this." 2 days later she starts acting distant. This persists. I am away and was wondering what was going on. I call her on it when she was too busy to see me right away when I got back into town. She persists everything was fine. Nothing to do with me. I'm not satisfied, but when I get back we meet, exchange gifts, and things appear ok. The next week she dumps me. She is not emotionally ready for a relationship, but if she wanted one with anyone it would be with me, all the romance passion and chemistry were there and she felt like she was giving up the most amazing relationship of her life. She pleaded with me when I said bs not to think she lacked feelings for me because she did. I was in shock. 1.5 weeks later she asks to be friends with benefits. I told her no, she said "I was just joking." 2 weeks after that I am told her ex proposed to her 2 days after I left town. Total shock. I was still reeling from the friends with benefits thing, the absolute disrespect and disregard for my feelings. I couldn't believe she didn't tell me about the proposal -- she said no -- but she was still my gf for 2 weeks after that happened, she accepted $100 worth of christmas gifts, she lied to me and deceived me and betrayed my trust. She told others that it had nothing to do with the break up, maybe that is true, but when I learned about the ex I was drunk, and I threatened to tell him about me if she didn't tell me the truth because she lied to both of us. I apologized for the threat, didn't receive an acknowledgment, and because she told all of her friends I went psycho, and our social circles intersect, so I was basically ostracized from my life activities because people didn't know my side of the story. Somehow, I burned bridges and crossed lines. My ass, I was the only one who handled things in a mature manner. Any line I crossed I recognized and at least apologized. She handled things poorly, she did the damage. I will never again date someone who can't introduce me to certain friends and who can't tell the ex about me. A girl can be friends with an ex, even a recent ex, I can accept that. But if she is my gf, he has to be told she is in a relationship. Unequivocally. If my gf mentions "I talked to my ex today" I will say "did you tell him about me?" If she says no, I will give her that ultimatum. I'm not sure I'd allow them to hang out unless I get to meet the guy first. If she can't tell him she is in a relationship, she is disrespecting you. Plus she is lying to him too. Do you want to be with someone who will lie to spare someones feelings? Will she do the same to you at some point? My ex caused me unnecessary pain. If she were honest with me about everything, I would have accepted things. Instead she lied, gave me false hope and kept me on a string, and completely deceived me and betrayed my trust. All to "spare my feelings." She really did it because she thought she was sparing me. And she won't even talk to the guy who told me about her ex -- they were close friends -- she blames him for violating her trust and being my friend!!! I'd tell your gf you feel disrespected that she won't tell him she has a bf and that you aren't comfortable with them hanging out unless he knows, that your need in a relationship is that you need to come first. If she says she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, tell her it hurts your feelings, and that while you are cool with them being friends, you need to feel that you come before her ex. Be a broken record. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. If she doesn't comply, walk away. You want someone mature enough to treat you with the respect you deserve. It doesn't matter if you love her. You deserve someone who possesses the same maturity you do and can offer what you do. You put your gf first; you make her a priority; you tell everyone about her. You deserve someone who treats you the same way. Accept nothing less than the behavior that you would give her!
DOA Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Gosh oppath, I feel terrible for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that crap. This makes me rather nervous about my own relationship when my boy didn't tell his ex about me until we were already going out for half a year (and yes, we started dating straight after they broke up too), AND just sprung the news about me on his mates in our first face-to-face meetings without warning. I don't know why he is so secretive about me. I'm sure his family doesn't know about me either. Is there anyone else who keeps their SO a secret from nearly everyone in their life/refuses to acknowledge them as their SO to others until WELL into the relationship? If so, why do you do this? I feel like he is either unsure about me, or ashamed about us, or still has thoughts about the ex when he can't even tell her about me until we have been going out for 6 months!
IpAncA Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I posted this in another thread but decided to re-post it as a separate thread. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How would you go about dealing with a partner who still sees their ex out of pity? This is basically the reason my girl still has contact with her ex, even though i can't stand it and she knows that. She won't even tell him that she's moved on and found someone else out of fear of hurting him. They've been broken up since Oct/Nov last year and her and i went straight into a relationship. I know it's sounds like a rebound type situation but it's not because we knew eachother before she broke up with him and things between them had been bad for a long time before i came into the picture. Anyway he asked her over around valentines but she was seeing me. She didn't go into detail when she told him she couldn't see her, only that she had a date. He reacted badly to this and was very bitter towards her. He eventually apologised and they still maintain contact. She sees him every other week just about, and even though i've never asked her this, i'm pretty sure they text messages eachother regulary. The last time she saw him they both went out for dinner to the same restaurant they would frequent when they were a couple. I feel like what i have with her will never be 100% so long as her ex is in the picture. Wow lots of ex threads lately. I think she needs to ditch the ex and should take your feelings into considersation.
Trialbyfire Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I feel like what i have with her will never be 100% so long as her ex is in the picture. And you would be right. For whatever reasons she's keeping the ex hanging around who still cares deeply for her, you need to make her understand that this is unacceptable to you. Some exes are acceptable as friends when both parties grow out of a relationship or have had sufficient time to move on. This isn't what's happening here. Draw the line but also let her know it's a deal-breaker for you. Do it without backing her into a corner or it may backlash on you.
upsetnhurt Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Jim, Please dont kid yourself here. You know damn well she is simply not seeing this ex out of pity! She obviously has a desire to keep the cord alive with him while she uses you for emotional and physical support. It is so obvious at one point that she will pull back and let you know that she is confused and needs time to herself, a long time that is. You are in the perfect position to be heart broken here and I advise you to take the steps necessary to protect yourself. I realize that giving her an ultimatum presents the chance that she will walk away from you (probably the thought of that is killing you inside) yet I assure you that it is better done today than months down the road when your feelings have even become stronger. Know that actions are a lot stronger than words and her current actions dictate that she feels stronger about how her ex feels than the way you do. Its disrespectful in every sense and needs to stop. She will think you are being crazy and jealous when you bring it up, yet it should show you that she is not thinking of your best interests at all here. Think of it if the shoe was on the other foot??? Would she be cool with this way of life? Step back and think what you truely want in a woman and partner and I assure you that a trait such as one that is still harboring feelings over an ex is not one of them. The feelings between yourselves will never be even and unfortunately her heart will never catch up to yours. Good luck!
Author JimJ Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Thank you all for the replies. I hear what all of you are saying. I've told her how this whole thing with her makes makes me feel undervalued and not respected, like she's putting his interests and well being before our own relationship. I've told her that i want to be treated with the same respect that i treat her with. She told me that she understands and knows that she has to tell him. She says she just finds it hard because she feels like she already hurt him by breaking up with him and that by telling him this she would only be piling on more hurt. I'm not a secret to her friends and family by the way, just him.
norajane Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Gosh oppath, I feel terrible for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that crap. This makes me rather nervous about my own relationship when my boy didn't tell his ex about me until we were already going out for half a year (and yes, we started dating straight after they broke up too), AND just sprung the news about me on his mates in our first face-to-face meetings without warning. I don't know why he is so secretive about me. I'm sure his family doesn't know about me either. Is there anyone else who keeps their SO a secret from nearly everyone in their life/refuses to acknowledge them as their SO to others until WELL into the relationship? If so, why do you do this? I feel like he is either unsure about me, or ashamed about us, or still has thoughts about the ex when he can't even tell her about me until we have been going out for 6 months! Cheaters and commitment phobic people do that. Not saying your guy is cheating or commitment phobic, but you are right to question why he keeps you such a big secret...there is a reason for that, whatever it is. He may not have been fully over his ex since you started dating right after they broke up, so he didn't tell her in case he was thinking you two might not work out and he could go back to her. Not telling his friends and family could be because he didn't want them to ask questions about how quickly he got together with you after his break-up. Or, they might not have even known he broke up with her at first. Are you sure they did break up when he says they did?
Aloros Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I'd give an ultimatum as well. Sounds like she may still have lingering feelings. I started dating someone else soon after I broke up with the ex. The day after the first date, I called my ex and told him that I went on a date with someone else the night before, I was likely to continue seeing him, and I was only telling him because I didn't want him to hear it from someone else. Secrets have a way of blowing up in your face. The End.
Author JimJ Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 So my girl and I have decided to not see eachother until she tells her ex about me. We both hate that it's come to this and not having contact with eachother will be very difficult on us both. I really don't know how else to save our relationship though because this issue is seriously causing alot of damage. Do you think this is a smart move?
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 So my girl and I have decided to not see eachother until she tells her ex about me. We both hate that it's come to this and not having contact with eachother will be very difficult on us both. I really don't know how else to save our relationship though because this issue is seriously causing alot of damage. Do you think this is a smart move? Who initiated this break-up?
oppath Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Yes, it is a smart move. Once you become BF/GF, an official couple, EVERYONE IN HER LIFE should know about you. That doesn't mean she contacts everyone she's ever known and says "I have a bf," but anyone she talks to and they ask "how's it going," she should say "Great. I have an awesome boyfriend." This includes ex's. A girl won't get to the point of being my gf unless I want to show her off. And I expect to be shown off too. I want a girl who says "look at me. Look at what I got!!!"
Author JimJ Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Who initiated this break-up? We both came to this decision.
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 We both came to this decision. I can understand why you would want this but why is this okay for her?
upsetnhurt Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Jim, Sorry that it had to come to you both giving eachother no contact. Just prepare yourself during this time for the eventual discussion of completely breaking it off. There is no doubt in my mind and there should be no doubt in your mind that she will use this time to go back and see where she stands with the ex.....most likely getting physical with him. I don't think I could stand the thought of that occurring and given that, I would move on and never look back. Regardless of her telling you she didnt, you think you could believe her now?
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