Guest Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 D day was 1 week ago. Someone from work (but I don't know for sure) sent W an anonymous email message saying that MM & I were having an affair. I am very curious why this person sent that email. What could be the motive? Are there a lot of such people tipping other people's spouses of PAs or EAs? What do they hope to accomplish?
HappyHappy Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Well, the affair has been officially over for 18 days now. I haven't spoke to W yet. She continues to lurk around though. She drives by my house a lot and she drove into the parking lot at work the other day but didn't come in. I have decided to answer her questions truthfully whenever I do come face to face with her. MM is only interested in saving his marriage although I am not really sure what he is saving. But whatever. I wish my confrontation with her would be soon because I just want to get it over with. I have considered sending her an email or calling her and telling her I am willing to talk to her if it would make her feel better. But then MM would really hate me and I still have to work with him. So I figure that I am done borrowing trouble. If I talk to her, I will be truthful but I am not about to seek her out. As for MM, I still love him but I am not going to be the OW anymore. I am worth a lot more than that. I hope as time goes on, I will get stronger and stronger. He has not tried to start the A again. Something tells me he won't. W has him on a pretty short leach. He only comes to work now when she says it's okay. I have also lost my best friend over this. Because she also works at the same place, she doesn't want to be guilty by association. She obviously was never my friend in the first place. Just another thing to add to my very long list of losses. I wish I could turn back time because let me tell you, nothing was worth this. >>>>> Oh boy, I feel for you. This is a terrible situation to be in. This MM sounds like he really did throw you under the bus.. As far as talking to the W...gee, I wish I had something really solid to advise on this,, but I have really mixed fellings on it. On the one hand I can understand that you want to be honest and some of the posters say they would want honesty out of the "confrontation", but Im not so sure about that. If you are honest you just add to her pain and who knows what the your MM is saying. I dont want to say lie about it because thats very painful for you. Ultimately, I believe you should direct her to her H for answers to her questions. It looks like these people are staying together so they need to deal with this amonst themselves. You dont need to be involved in this part of it. And she will likely keep coming to you with additional questions she forgot to ask the first time, or second time. I mean, at this point she is sort of stalking around (driving around your driveway etc). Im not sure her contact with you will be a one and done situation so you need to be careful. She may just cause you many more problems. It sounds like she is so upset...having him on a leasch to the point that he only goes to work when she lets him etc....sounds a bit unbalanced (driven by emotion of course), so you need to use caution with your response if confronted. As far as the best friend turning on you...I can relate to that. I just did a thread on that this week. Its been a couple of years now for me and Im still hurting (just a tiny bit now) over the best friend turning her back on me. That is just something that hurts. A break in the bond of sisterhood of girlfriends....nothing should come between that, but apparently these types of situations do as Ive learned. Just hang in there. Believe me time will help all aspects of this.
HappyHappy Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Well, the affair has been officially over for 18 days now. I haven't spoke to W yet. She continues to lurk around though. She drives by my house a lot and she drove into the parking lot at work the other day but didn't come in. I have decided to answer her questions truthfully whenever I do come face to face with her. MM is only interested in saving his marriage although I am not really sure what he is saving. But whatever. I wish my confrontation with her would be soon because I just want to get it over with. I have considered sending her an email or calling her and telling her I am willing to talk to her if it would make her feel better. But then MM would really hate me and I still have to work with him. So I figure that I am done borrowing trouble. If I talk to her, I will be truthful but I am not about to seek her out. As for MM, I still love him but I am not going to be the OW anymore. I am worth a lot more than that. I hope as time goes on, I will get stronger and stronger. He has not tried to start the A again. Something tells me he won't. W has him on a pretty short leach. He only comes to work now when she says it's okay. I have also lost my best friend over this. Because she also works at the same place, she doesn't want to be guilty by association. She obviously was never my friend in the first place. Just another thing to add to my very long list of losses. I wish I could turn back time because let me tell you, nothing was worth this. >>>>> Oh boy, I feel for you. This is a terrible situation to be in. This MM sounds like he really did throw you under the bus.. As far as talking to the W...gee, I wish I had something really solid to advise on this,, but I have really mixed fellings on it. On the one hand I can understand that you want to be honest and some of the posters say they would want honesty out of the "confrontation", but Im not so sure about that. If you are honest you just add to her pain and who knows what the your MM is saying. I dont want to say lie about it because thats very painful for you. Ultimately, I believe you should direct her to her H for answers to her questions. It looks like these people are staying together so they need to deal with this amonst themselves. You dont need to be involved in this part of it. And she will likely keep coming to you with additional questions she forgot to ask the first time, or second time. I mean, at this point she is sort of stalking around (driving around your driveway etc). Im not sure her contact with you will be a one and done situation so you need to be careful. She may just cause you many more problems. It sounds like she is so upset...having him on a leasch to the point that he only goes to work when she lets him etc....sounds a bit unbalanced (driven by emotion of course), so you need to use caution with your response if confronted. As far as the best friend turning on you...I can relate to that. I just did a thread on that this week. Its been a couple of years now for me and Im still hurting (just a tiny bit now) over the best friend turning her back on me. That is just something that hurts. A break in the bond of sisterhood of girlfriends....nothing should come between that, but apparently these types of situations do as Ive learned. Just hang in there. Believe me time will help all aspects of this.
Trimmer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 If you are honest you just add to her pain and who knows what the your MM is saying. I reject this line of reasoning. Her pain was of no concern to you while the A was going on; it would be a little hypocritical now to use that as an excuse to refuse to tell the truth. C'mon, at least be honest with yourself here... I dont want to say lie about it because thats very painful for you. And maybe, just possibly, for MM's wife too, don't you think? Just above, you were so concerned with the truth being painful for her; if that is really a concern of yours at any level then I maintain that, in the big picture, continued lies are more painful to her than the truth would be. Ultimately, I believe you should direct her to her H for answers to her questions. It looks like these people are staying together so they need to deal with this amonst themselves. You dont need to be involved in this part of it. And she will likely keep coming to you with additional questions she forgot to ask the first time, or second time.... Im not sure her contact with you will be a one and done situation so you need to be careful.... She may just cause you many more problems. I would concede this possibility. For me, however you choose to respond, it comes down to being honest and honorable to whatever degree you can muster. If you are going to kiss her off and refuse to answer, at least tell her that you are permanently out of their life and marriage and that you will never be back, and then have the integrity to stick to it. As far as the best friend turning on you...I can relate to that. I just did a thread on that this week. Its been a couple of years now for me and Im still hurting (just a tiny bit now) over the best friend turning her back on me. That is just something that hurts. A break in the bond of sisterhood of girlfriends....nothing should come between that.... Strangely, you'll find a few people who feel that way about the bond of marriage...
Sup Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 BA, I highly suggest that you call her or better yet, E-Mail her the truth, that may prevent a physical confrontation with W. Could you transfer to another department, as you seek other employment? That way, you will be away from OM, while looking for another job.
HappyHappy Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I reject this line of reasoning. Her pain was of no concern to you while the A was going on; it would be a little hypocritical now to use that as an excuse to refuse to tell the truth. C'mon, at least be honest with yourself here... >>>Im suggesting that there are two possible approaches, and valid reasoning for either. >>>Every situation is different in an A. Some wives close a blind eye and put their heads in the sand as long as their "lifestyles" dont change, so I dont know how hurt they really are. People, (W's too) need to take responsibility for possibly contributing to a situation. Im sure you want to rip me some more for that comment, but again every situation is different. I really believe the affair was between two people, not three and the M is between two people not three. So the questions should be directed to the person that was involved in the A and the M..the Husband. In this situation it just seems like this poor OW is just doomed and scre***. MM just tossed her under the bus...wife is driving around her house!! What good can come out even trying to have a heart to heart with the W? Emotions are just too raw at this point. And maybe, just possibly, for MM's wife too, don't you think? Just above, you were so concerned with the truth being painful for her; if that is really a concern of yours at any level then I maintain that, in the big picture, continued lies are more painful to her than the truth would be. >>>>I just do not agree with you here. How would having all gorey details be helpful to the W? Sounds like H and W are satying together..they need to heal all thats broken between them and the W getting the "goods" from the OW doesnt help anything or anyone. I would concede this possibility. For me, however you choose to respond, it comes down to being honest and honorable to whatever degree you can muster. If you are going to kiss her off and refuse to answer, at least tell her that you are permanently out of their life and marriage and that you will never be back, and then have the integrity to stick to it. >>>WHy is it not honorable and honest to just back away and back out...quietly. To not cause MORE pain? This is a decision that can be made also. We are past the "OW should have thought of all of this before hand stuff"...she didnt. Strangely, you'll find a few people who feel that way about the bond of marriage... >>>>Ive found that the bond of marriage is different for everyone. People justify what they want.
HappyHappy Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Sorry...I havent tried all of the posting options of quote, multi quotes etc///I was trying to respond to each of trimmers points so my responses above are in italic and bold....
Trimmer Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 shoediva - I hear your points and understand them, even as I don't agree with some of them. I do agree that the ideal situation would be that if the H & W intend to stay together that the H come clean, they focus on each other - and ONLY each other - and everyone keep the OW out of it. Do we have common ground here? People, (W's too) need to take responsibility for possibly contributing to a situation. Im sure you want to rip me some more for that comment, but again every situation is different. No - I won't rip you for it. I have always said that I firmly believe that the husband and wife share the responsibility for the state of the marriage itself, although I believe that no matter how crappy the marriage, or how the responsibility for that crappy marriage is shared, a partner who chooses to go outside for an A bears the responsibility for that choice 100%. How would having all gorey details be helpful to the W? The point is, that's not a decision for the OW to make on behalf of the W, so I don't see that, by itself, as a compelling point. I really believe the affair was between two people, not three and the M is between two people not three. We may differ on the nature of affairs here. When a couple stands up before their community (and God, if they believe it so) and get married, they announce to themselves, their community, and the world their intention to join together. The marriage ceremony is this announcement; we all know what it means. Built right there into the marriage ceremony is an admonition to society: "what God has joined together, let no MAN put asunder." In an affair, I believe both that a spouse has invited a third person into a relationship, and the OP has allowed or inserted him/herself into that relationship, both of these in knowing opposition to the societal view of marriage. If you're going to make the point that a wife can't escape some share of responsibility for the state of a marriage in which the husband chooses to have an affair, I maintain that an OW can't escape some share of responsibility for knowingly ignoring society's long standing, well established admonition about the inviolability of marriage. Now, having said all that, I come back to the point on which we agree: wouldn't the ideal case be for the husband to suddenly find his missing honor, and do the right thing for the marriage and handle his wife's questions "honestly and honorably" himself? And if he doesn't, can we agree that he's (still) a jerk? So when he won't "man up" and do the right thing - when he is deceiving both the wife and the OW, where is that bond of sisterhood you talked about, when a woman asks for help from another woman? Why is it not honorable and honest to just back away and back out...quietly. Hey, maybe so, although I don't think this rises to the level of "honest" or "honorable." At best it's slinking away and not lying any more, but that's a start. If that's the best she can do, and she can have the integrity to stick to it, then that's the best she can do - I suppose it's more honorable than what the H is doing, I'll give you that. I just go back to my original point that if the W has chosen her path to healing, and finds the courage to ask, why not have the courage to answer, or at least acknowledge her. That would be some kind of honor. But sisterhood aside, I accept that it's certainly easier to just quietly fade away. People justify what they want. On this, too, we agree, although I think you're talking about couples and their marriage bonds, and I'm thinking of OW and OM's. We're both right, though, aren't we?
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