BurriedAlive Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 D day was 1 week ago. Someone from work (but I don't know for sure) sent W an anonymous email message saying that MM & I were having an affair. When she questioned him about it, he confessed and said that he had Sex with me 2 times about 6 months ago, we realized it was wrong and we stopped. MM & I work VERY closely together. Anyway, D night, she actually came in my driveway but didn't ring the doorbell. On Monday, I seen her (I was with a friend in her car) circling my house and then showed up at work about an hour later. I just missed her since I had to hide in my friends car until she left. So, here is my problem. MM wants me to lie for him and corroborate his story. The truth is, the affair has been going on for 1 year. I can't count the number of times we had sex and it was also an emotional affair. What should I do. I am tired of the lies. My life has been absolute hell for the past week but the lies have to stop. I have been trying to convince MM why HE should tell W the truth (she needs closure). It's obvious from what he is telling me that she doesn't believe his story. I know I am going to have to face her but what should I do? Any input would be appreciated.
norajane Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Be honest. At this point, more lies are just going to add insult to injury. He didn't confess - he fed her a crock of sh*t when he got caught out by that email...he lied and lied some more. She deserves to make a fully informed choice about what to do with her own life now - more lies from you will deny her the ability to do so.
Kenzo Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 If you lie to her and back up his story, what will come of it? Will you stay with him? Is he saying it's over between the two of you? Are you? Not that it matters about the future of the two of you, but I wonder if his motivation to have you lie is to keep the affair going... In any case, you do have to face her and because of the situation she is owed the truth from someone, if it can't come from her H (like it should have!!) than it must come from you.
greengoddess Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 You need to tell her the truth. You've lied enough for this man and obviously weren't very discreet in work. Wonder who wants to hurt you? While you are telling her how many times you screwed her husband why don't you tell her you slept with her brother in law too. It might make her feel a little better that you've done both brothers and not just her husband.
justagirliegirl Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Why does the cheater deserve so much covering his butt? If he wants you to lie to his wife he is probably interested in staying with her.
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Own up to your part in the affair, appologize to her and tell her all that she needs to know. You owe the MM NOTHING!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 "He is the one that needs to look his wife in the eye and tell her he has cheated on her repeatedly. I will never tell her, it's not my job. If I did tell her, it would only be out of revenge on MM, nothing else. I think I have hurt more in the last 6 months than a normal person would in their entire life." - Buried Alive, All in the Family thread, LoveShack.org These are your words from another thread you started. I agree that HE should be the one to look her in the eye and tell her he has cheated on her repeatedly. I agree that it's not your job. I'm not into revenge, so I won't agree with that comment. Here's the reality, he isn't going to tell her and wants you to keep the partial truth he has chosen to reveal. He has left you with quite a dilemma hasn't he? That's some man you've got there. I would be expecting some protection, not more collusion, from him if I were in your shoes. I think the coming weeks are going to make the last six months of pain pale in comparison. Have you ever thought about what you would say to his W when (not if) she found out? If you haven't, I think you should have. Several scripts, covering every possible scenario, should have been written and memorized for the inevitable discovery. She's on the hunt for you now and you don't have a plan. When you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Better get one in action, and quick. She knows where you live. She knows where you work. What you say depends on what you truly want to accomplish. If you really want "detachment" from this man, confess all, and be prepared to take whatever this woman has to dish out. She obviously has something to say, or at the very least, many questions. Also be prepared for the fallout with your MM. If you want to continue living with the pain and lies, cover his tracks because he will surely be angry, yet possibly still forced to end the A, since he has such a "good marriage." Personally, in her shoes,I would have nothing to say to you. I would hold you in contempt, but I wouldn't give you the time of day, much less share my feelings. My H would would bear my wrath whether he said he had sex with you twice, or a thousand times, but you did not commit to me, so you would come out unscathed if I were the W in your situation.
rdnkgrl31 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 If you are confronted by the W, you should tell her the truth. I agree the H should be the one telling the truth. If their M is over, then why isn't he telling the truth? What does it matter now that he had an A? If it is over between them then it is over, there is no point in lying anymore. And to ask you to lie for him, that's not right.
sadbuttrue Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 i wish i had told the truth, tell the truth. but dont offer up anything extra, just tell her what she wants to know. you will feel much worse if you lie to her and continue with the deception.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I am tired of the lies. My life has been absolute hell for the past week but the lies have to stop. You're at a defining moment in your life. If you cover for him, your reward will probably be a continued affair with more lies to follow or he could stop contact with you altogether to save his marriage. No matter which way you look at it, he's asking you to lie to save his marriage. If you don't cover for him, your reward will be the ability to stop lying and start living your life in the way that you want. That doesn't mean there won't be unbearable pain through the parting. You already know which choice is the honourable one. Think about which person you would prefer to be, then make the choice between 1/2 a man or self-redemption.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Dont lie for him. If you start lying your going to have to know that your only attributing to his mental torture of his wife. She's looking for answers like a splinter in her mind. Imagine yourself in her shoes and think that your man is lying to you and you know it but you cant prove it. It's like if you know someone commited murder and you saw them do it? would you tell? Your going to lose the married man either way you think about it. And what type of man asks his mistress in covering up the affair they still are continuing to have? Can you live with yourself knowing this fact. And in the long run you know that if he does this to his wife, he'll do it to you. That's a fact. Tell the truth, please. The truth shall set you free.
Blind Illusion Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I wouldn't want to be answering any questions at all, to be perfectly honest. I might not want to lie for him, but why must I be the sole informer of all things truthful in their marriage, either. Why would that be my responsibility? I would tell her to ask her husband for the truth, although chances are, she already knows he is not giving it to her. Obviously, he came up with this story to make it seem like the both of you have put this behind you.
torranceshipman Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 For goodness sake, tell the truth, this man is a really nasty piece of work. If he cared about you, he'd be PROTECTING you from the fall out of this situation as much as he could, not totally dismissing you other than to ask you to LIE for him continually, and face his W because he can't (I mean honestly, be a man, for goodness sake-it's pathetic). He's totally sold you out - what a coward. He's clearly a liar through and through, and the ultimate cake eater - he's seen the terrible hurt he's causing - and still wants to lie in any way he can to continue it, just so his selfish needs get serviced. Ugh, you and the W deserve a whole lot better in your personal relationships. I'd tell the W immediately. She has a right to the truth and to know what a loser she's involved with. No-one has shown her ANY respect in this situation, but you will, by being honest with her. I bet you'll respect yourself a whole lot more for doing that too, and telling her all this will probably end the A for good, and believe me that is a GOOD, GOOD thign for you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 For goodness sake, tell the truth, this man is a really nasty piece of work. If he cared about you, he'd be PROTECTING you from the fall out of this situation as much as he could, not totally dismissing you other than to ask you to LIE for him continually, and face his W because he can't (I mean honestly, be a man, for goodness sake-it's pathetic). He's totally sold you out - what a coward. He's clearly a liar through and through, and the ultimate cake eater - he's seen the terrible hurt he's causing - and still wants to lie in any way he can to continue it, just so his selfish needs get serviced. Ugh, you and the W deserve a whole lot better in your personal relationships. I'd tell the W immediately. She has a right to the truth and to know what a loser she's involved with. No-one has shown her ANY respect in this situation, but you will, by being honest with her. I bet you'll respect yourself a whole lot more for doing that too, and telling her all this will probably end the A for good, and believe me that is a GOOD, GOOD thign for you. Okay first of all the post is just horrible, y u ask? because a man never just protects his mistress, she's the jump off!!! I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. The whole basis of the relationship from the get go has been built on a lie. Can she go home and tell people about how she's dating a married man currently still sleeping with his wife??? c'mon. Doesnt the poster deserve better than to be the side chick? and now that she knows of this MM's true colors, she can reach her own conclusions. Although I do agree with torrance with telling the wife the truth, what do you have to hide it comes out either way through email or you get caught. Might as well get through this now and come clean. Hey maybe she gives this MM to the woman and they can be together. But then again from there does she always want to remember the way they hooked up in the first place. Can she look herself in the mirror and be proud of herself?
stillafool Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Wow I feel for you. I would hate for an angry, betrayed wife to be on the hunt for me. I'm sure you knew this day would come though when you got involved with her husband. If she confronts you tell her the truth and let her know it's over on your end. Hopefully it is over on your end because the MM is yet using you again and asking you to help save his marriage. You do know that after this her radar is going to be extremely keen for you and her man so chances are great he isn't going to want to continue the affair with you. You owe this man nothing. As you can see he is showing you how much he cares about you. He isn't even trying to protect you he only cares about what his wife thinks. Tell her the truth, move on and learn from this lesson. I don't understand why you were hiding from the wife in your friends car. Are you afraid of her?
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Why would that be my responsibility? BI because you had the affair with her husband. It's part of the consquences of choosing to get involved with a MM.
Jinxx Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 What should I do. I am tired of the lies. My life has been absolute hell for the past week but the lies have to stop. I have been trying to convince MM why HE should tell W the truth (she needs closure). It's obvious from what he is telling me that she doesn't believe his story. I know I am going to have to face her but what should I do? Any input would be appreciated. So the W knows about it. At this point you might as well come clean and face the music. No more hiding, no more lies. Why continue to make your life a living hell over this. Not worth it. Got ahead and tell her the ugly truth.
NearlyThere Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Well you could tell her the truth, however, do you think she would believe it anyway, the MM will probably start telling his W that you are just lying and are a crazy woman of some sort and are trying to cause more trouble. This is also a question to all the BS's out there when they have confronted the WS on or around D Day. You have your WS telling you he has only slept with the OW tiwce, you ask the OW and they tell you frequently. Which one are you going to believe? Your H who you have known for many years and have loved dearly or some stranger who you hate with every breath you breathe who has helped to destroy the life you have known.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 BA: I think your best bet is to tell her to talk to her H...Nearly There is right, she won't believe you and it sounds like he's going to throw you under the bus anyway...You're not responsible for their M, they are, so let them work it out... But stay away from him now, he showed how much he cared for you... Sorry that it turned out this way...GEL
norajane Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Well you could tell her the truth, however, do you think she would believe it anyway, the MM will probably start telling his W that you are just lying and are a crazy woman of some sort and are trying to cause more trouble. This is also a question to all the BS's out there when they have confronted the WS on or around D Day. You have your WS telling you he has only slept with the OW tiwce, you ask the OW and they tell you frequently. Which one are you going to believe? Your H who you have known for many years and have loved dearly or some stranger who you hate with every breath you breathe who has helped to destroy the life you have known. Hmm, a woman who just found out - via email from someone else - that her H has been having an affair might not believe him when he minimizes it to two episodes 6 months ago. She might ask herself why someone bothered to send her an email about an affair if it was just two times 6 months ago. Especially if she had already started getting suspicious but had no proof...getting the email might make certain questions more urgent, might make certain pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Especially if, when the OW told her when things happened and how, it all made sense to the wife on how it was possible. And that wife might also be smart enough to realize that her H is the one who destroyed the life she had known. She might realize that if he hid the two indiscretions he admits to, he could very easily be lying some more to hide the rest.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Hmm, a woman who just found out - via email from someone else - that her H has been having an affair might not believe him when he minimizes it to two episodes 6 months ago. She might ask herself why someone bothered to send her an email about an affair if it was just two times 6 months ago. Especially if she had already started getting suspicious but had no proof...getting the email might make certain questions more urgent, might make certain pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Especially if, when the OW told her when things happened and how, it all made sense to the wife on how it was possible. And that wife might also be smart enough to realize that her H is the one who destroyed the life she had known. She might realize that if he hid the two indiscretions he admits to, he could very easily be lying some more to hide the rest. Agreed. This situation is different in the way that the OW is looking for you to confirm the story. She obviously doesn't believe her H because he's asking you to cover for him. He knew she would be asking you. You've already been thrown under the bus.
Author BurriedAlive Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Well, the affair has been officially over for 18 days now. I haven't spoke to W yet. She continues to lurk around though. She drives by my house a lot and she drove into the parking lot at work the other day but didn't come in. I have decided to answer her questions truthfully whenever I do come face to face with her. MM is only interested in saving his marriage although I am not really sure what he is saving. But whatever. I wish my confrontation with her would be soon because I just want to get it over with. I have considered sending her an email or calling her and telling her I am willing to talk to her if it would make her feel better. But then MM would really hate me and I still have to work with him. So I figure that I am done borrowing trouble. If I talk to her, I will be truthful but I am not about to seek her out. As for MM, I still love him but I am not going to be the OW anymore. I am worth a lot more than that. I hope as time goes on, I will get stronger and stronger. He has not tried to start the A again. Something tells me he won't. W has him on a pretty short leach. He only comes to work now when she says it's okay. I have also lost my best friend over this. Because she also works at the same place, she doesn't want to be guilty by association. She obviously was never my friend in the first place. Just another thing to add to my very long list of losses. I wish I could turn back time because let me tell you, nothing was worth this.
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 This might not be a bad time to look elsewhere for employment. It might help your personal healing process, to put some distance between you and the situation.
Guest Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Can I just get in here and get some help too? I've been with MM for nearly two years. He's now saying he's getting everything ready to buy her a house and he's going to move at the same time to an apt. But every day is torture. I just want to call him when I want. The weekends suck. I want to be at home waiting. HOw do we get through this??? How can I tell if he's really going to leave or if it's all the same as all the others who have said before here? HAs anyone had their MM leave and the relationship work? How can I be happy daily and stop feeling so sick all the time? TIA!
Trimmer Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I have considered sending her an email or calling her and telling her I am willing to talk to her if it would make her feel better.... If I talk to her, I will be truthful but I am not about to seek her out. I agree - if she summons up the courage to ask you, you should honor that by finding the courage to answer honestly. Incidentally, I would recommend you not mention anything about making her feel better... She may need your answers to understand the truth of what is going on in her life, but in her perception, there is nothing you will be able to do to make her feel better - any sympathy from you will feel like pity; offering to help her "feel better" will sound like you are just tending to your own guilt - so I recommend don't even offer, as that stuff will sound sour to her. I'm not saying to be cold - show your remorse if you feel it - but basically keep it simple and honest, like "if you have questions, I will answer them."
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