MikeC Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Me and my girlfriend were having problems. Now we are no longer together. She wanted some space, but I can't get her out of my mind. I've been distracting myself, but it doesn't help enough. Even after the breakup and her saying she wanted space, I still contacted her, pushing her further away. Now she reads my messages but does not respond back. I decided to stop contacting her on Saturday. Now 4 days later, I want to send her a quick message so badly. Just a simple text saying 'Whats up'. But, I know I can't. Alot of you will say move on, but it isn't that. I'm choosing to atleast be her friend. Besides, moving on, what could I do to get her to talk to me. I was going to go NC for 4 weeks, then send her a message. But, it is becoming so hard. All I can think about are the great moments we had together. On the camera she bought me, I found pictures of us happy together. I want that back so badly. I can't give up. I won't allow myself to. I know now what went wrong, I just want to talk to her on a real level.
Art_Critic Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 On the camera she bought me, I found pictures of us happy together. Fist off don't send her that text.. let some time go by and see how you later on this week or next month.. Secondly..The digital Pics.. either delete them or burn them to a cd and put the cd away for good and delete ALL the files on your computer and off your camera and phone.. You must remove her from your life first in order to help the healing.. I did that once with a girls pics.. We shot a few pics together up close and I kept those on my computer till I finally realized what I was doing to myself by looking at them and waxed 'em.. I took one of them and used Photoshop to remove her and then posted the pic on Match ( my smile was just too good ) and started dating new girls.. I did finally remove the pic from Match as soon as I had others to replace them.. Sorry guy...You have to let her go in order to even get a chance to get someone back
Author MikeC Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 She wants to talk, she just wants space. I just don't know how much space is enough. It also does not help that tomorrow we would have been together 5 months. Also, I have been writing love poems from scratch on my MySpace blog. I know that she checks my page. She always did that, even when we were together. I was hoping that some of those poems would help. I am probably wasting my time though. It is like someone I loved has died. That is the feeling I have over her.
2ndIINone Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Settle down bro.... you sound like you're ready to jump off. I'm gonna tell you something that you may or may not know already. She's just a girl. She puts her pants on one leg at a time. And yes... she could stank up the bathroom as bad as you. Now, you're going to get the greatest advice ever because apparently (from your words) you're already gaining some kind of understanding of what works and what doesn't work.... correct? Ready for the simple, easy to use and follow advice? Everything you've been doing up until now hasn't gotten you anywhere... correct? Text= no response. Calls=No answer. "Call me back!" voicemails=no call backs. Nothing is working YOUR WAY! So now it's time to do things "OUR" way.... which just so happens to be the complete OPPOSITE of what you've been doing. Don't call her, don't text her, don't write about her in your myspace blog.... don't do ANYTHING that would even remotely resemble you're thinking about her.... just in case she's snoooping around. Not tonight, not in a month. In fact, at this point in the game.... NOT EVER! Let her come to you. She will. Remember.... if everything you've been doing hasn't worked.... then it must wrong. So the opposite would have to be right. Promise. Let her go.... let her come to you....
2ndIINone Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Wooooooooow.... lookie that... I was just joking around about the myspace blog and here you go and post a thread about poems to her on your myspace... GET EM' OFF! That's the same thing as calling, texting... begging... wishing... hoping.... praying.... etc... it's like saying.... "I neeeeeeeed you please... come back... I can't live without you..." suck it up... toughen' up... She walked... don't beg. Follow the advice.
krzr Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 second to none knows what hes talking about get on myspace and delete that sappy crap. u didnt do it when u where together why do it now that she dosnt deserve it.
Author MikeC Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 This is the way I think. If I don't speak of her at all, she will see I don't care, then she would care even less about me. That is why I do what I do. I went ahead and removed all the crap about her from my blog.
krzr Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 then u obviously need to go read men are from mars women are from venus. that book will tell u that women want what they cant have stop being a 8======D and listen up go NC and stop being a wuss be the guy u were when she met u. dont focus on her right now try not too shes not the center of your world anymore. u dont just stop caring about someone no matter how cold they make themselves out to be. shes not gonna stop caring because u stop caring but the opposite will happen.
2ndIINone Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 This is the way I think. If I don't speak of her at all, she will see I don't care, then she would care even less about me. This is how MOST think... then they find themselves thinkin'.. "What in the hell did I do wrong? She loved me, now she doesn't... what did I do??? How did I scare her away?" YOU my friend are 'acting' like she is the only girl on earth. YOU are acting like you can't live without her.... NO GIRL wants a guy that neeeeeds her. NEEDING her and wanting her are two totally different things. Believe me... you start acting like you don't need her, and she'll do some thinking.
District Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 just think of it this way... if she wants to talk to you she'll call/txt you. its better to get rid of all her pictures. i know its easier said than done but you should really move on.
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I think 2ndIINone gave some really good advice. I am going through something similar and that advice helps me a lot. I also concur with District, cause no matter what, if the relationship is something she doesn't want, nothing will make her change her mind, as hard as it is, let her come to you, and in the meantime you act as if this isn't bothering you, I know that's hard, I've been having trouble with it for weeks now myself. *waves to everyone, I'm new here*
District Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 *waves back* i'm new too =) i totally missed 2ndIINone's comment. but he's absolutely right. wanting and needing are two different things. i had a needy boyfriend before and it drove me nuts. girls want a boyfriend who isnt so needy and pathetic. girls want to feel "wanted" not "needed" because we're not youre mothers
Trialbyfire Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I took one of them and used Photoshop to remove her and then posted the pic on Match ( my smile was just too good ) and started dating new girls.. I did finally remove the pic from Match as soon as I had others to replace them.. Sorry guy...You have to let her go in order to even get a chance to get someone back Sorry AC, don't take this the wrong way but in doing this you've unknowingly taken a passive-aggressive way to get back at her. If she's got a copy of the pic and saw your profile on Match, it would have reminded her of the good times and that she's no longer a part of your life. Ouch...
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 *waves back* i'm new too =) i totally missed 2ndIINone's comment. but he's absolutely right. wanting and needing are two different things. i had a needy boyfriend before and it drove me nuts. girls want a boyfriend who isnt so needy and pathetic. girls want to feel "wanted" not "needed" because we're not youre mothers Maybe I'm nuts, but I would love if my boyfriend of 12 yrs made me feel needed. I have a mothering nature and love being needed, am I weird? lol...
District Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 that guy... that made me feel needed, it was exhausting! i was like his second mother. i had to tell that loser to look for a job, print out his resume, show him how to make use of a kinkos, be his driver (when we go out, he'd be too lazy to drive, so i'd drive his car. and this once time i was so pissed at him that i started speeding and i ended up with a 250$ speeding ticket). just thinking about this guy makes me want to kick myself for putting up with him for so long
2ndIINone Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I have a mothering nature and love being neededthere's a fine line between... "You make me happy, I'm glad you're in my life..." and "Call me, let's talk... call me call me call me.. I can't live without you, my heart aches... Roses are Red... and I'm F'n blue without you.... here are some roses.... talk to me.... here are some cards.... come back to me... I don't want anyone but you you you you you...."
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 that guy... that made me feel needed, it was exhausting! i was like his second mother. i had to tell that loser to look for a job, print out his resume, show him how to make use of a kinkos, be his driver (when we go out, he'd be too lazy to drive, so i'd drive his car. and this once time i was so pissed at him that i started speeding and i ended up with a 250$ speeding ticket). just thinking about this guy makes me want to kick myself for putting up with him for so longOh yeah, that would be bad! there's a fine line between... "You make me happy, I'm glad you're in my life..." and "Call me, let's talk... call me call me call me.. I can't live without you, my heart aches... Roses are Red... and I'm F'n blue without you.... here are some roses.... talk to me.... here are some cards.... come back to me... I don't want anyone but you you you you you...." Good point, the latter is definitely something I would not want, he was like that at first, it was way too much.
MattNZ Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 First hand evidence that needy is **** and independant is good: My thread is on 2nd page (taking a step back). My ex and I were way too dependant on each other - both guilty of that. We have recently decided to take a break to get ourselves in good spaces to give it a real go and not be so dependant. I have applied for a new job, become addicted to the gym and pretty much learnt to cope without her. She too is keeping busy. We met up on Tuesday and rather than pine and say how much I missed her and 'needed' her (which I am learning I don't need her!) I told her all the things I had been doing and how much I am enjoying my space. I even thanked her for suggesting the break which made her break down in tears. She said I am a much happier person to be round now than 3 months ago. So there you go - a wee ray of sunshine - don't go begging or pining (been there done that!). Just look after yourself. I won't lie, it's not easy and you have to force yourself, but if you can do that, time will look after the rest. I'm not there yet by anymeans, but seeing the way we were around each other on Tuesday made me feel so much better about myself. It's too easy to sit back and pine and reflect on the good 'ole days!!! You have to pick yourself out of that rut!
2ndIINone Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I even thanked her for suggesting the break which made her break down in tears. She said I am a much happier person to be round now than 3 months ago. that's great Matt... well, not that you made her cry... but that you took care of YOU.... gained some independence, found a new hobby.... gettin' in shape.... that's great. Just take it slow with her if you continue to talk.... Kinda like starting over from scratch huh?
MattNZ Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Absolutely 2ndIINone, it was strange on Tuesday night with all the flirting, but it is like you say, starting again. At first, it was so easy to sit and mope and wish for her back and wonder what she is up to. Now, if I get down I just get my sh^t together and head to the gym. Okay, while I am there I am still thinking of her but afterwards you feel so good. You have distracted yourself, and bettered yourself for that hour! I've read a lot of these posts and can relate to many of them. At the start I was asking for a lot of help, the old NC option and all the rest. The getting on with it option, for my situation, is the best route and I would recommend it to anyone who is suffering. As hard as it is, it shows the other person that you are getting on with it and don't 'NEED' someone. It maximes the chances of reconciliation. Flowers, poems, calls, texts - no matter how soppy or loving, are only going to result in pushing the person further away if they are trying to gather their thoughts.
2ndIINone Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Absolutely.... Experience has taught me that... and what pushes a person away during critical times of a relationship. What you 'think' will work, actually has the reverse effects. Know where else I learned it? Seinfeld!!! They had an episode that made alot of sense... Jerry giving George advice... in the fact that everything he did or tried didn't work for him and the women he was dating regarding his first instincts... therefore "if his first instincts were wrong... then the opposite... MUST BE RIGHT!" It's true. Some people never stop to think and realize what exactly it was they were doing that pushed the ex away... and how they keep doing it and NOT getting the results they want... but still continue to do the pursuing... hoping and wishing they can say just the right words to convince their ex or write just the right poem or leave just the right voicemail to get a response.... aaaaand NOTHING! Hey roses and cards and generally showing someone appreciation is cool... providing it's done at the right times of the relationship... because there are right and wrong times. For instance... hypo' thinkin'... you and your ex get back together.... slowly.... you're casually dating for 5-6 weeks.... she drops some strong hints that she's happy with you... then maybe it's cool to surprise her with some flowers... with confidence... and a note... ."I'm glad we're talking again..." or whatever.... ya know?
MattNZ Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Totally agree! There is a time and a place for the gifts! We will take things slowly. She said on tuesday she hopes we can work through it (in between tears.....and it was her that suggested the break!). Funny how tables can turn!! I guess this shows that the 'pulling back' tactic does work to some extent. Not getting carried away by any means but trying to illustrate that forcing/pining trying to show exes what they are missing doesn't work. You can only miss someone if they are not there!
frd150 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 there's a fine line between... "You make me happy, I'm glad you're in my life..." and "Call me, let's talk... call me call me call me.. I can't live without you, my heart aches... Roses are Red... and I'm F'n blue without you.... here are some roses.... talk to me.... here are some cards.... come back to me... I don't want anyone but you you you you you...." I can relate to Mike C. I never went full N/C just limited but the moment i stopped begging she began to think that i was forgetting about her. She thought i was giving up. I am better than i was a couple of weeks ago and i do not feel the need to stare at the cell or even worse call or text her numerous times a day. Funny thing is when she stopps calling me and i do not react then she responds with "what happened to you" "why did You not call" what have you been doing. I guess what i am saying is you need to weigh out your situation and the reasons for her leaving. In my case she "loves me " but i did not put enoug effort in the relationship and i am walking a fine line between being aloof and showing the effort she wants. So far i have learned that they do not want to come back to a miserabe needy person. Would you?? Better yourself for now(you have been) . I have been working on things to improve myself for me and in some ways i am hoping that she will notice and come back. There is that part of me that knows it may never happen and if this is the case i will come out of this a stronger smarter person when it comes to relationships. It may be her loss and another girls gane. Mike-The people that have posted so far are some of those who have helped me. Really, pay attention to what they are saying. They have helped me see the light so to speak. MattNZ-It looks like to me that you got it faster than i did. But now i am traveling down the same road right behind you. Good for you! Keep us posted.
MattNZ Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 All of us on here have pretty much been through similar situations and I think it is invaluable to share our experiences. As much as every relationship is different, the same principles do apply. Frd is right - we all know what you are going through (accepting that everyone is different however) - some of us are further through the process than others. I am still no way near a full recovery yet - it has only been 2 weeks since we broke! Just try to look after yourself. If things don't work out, you will have learnt from this and WILL be stronger for the experience and can contribute to the next relationship drawing upon you learned 'wisdom' (is that the correct term?). I know in the immediacy, you don't want to even think about other relationships but it should be said if things don't work out in this instance. Good luck mate and keep us posted on your progress. This site can be invaluable at times like this!
Author MikeC Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 Some excellent advice in this thread. I have gone NC for 5 days now. We broke up 2 weeks ago today. Also, today we would have been together 5 months. I know 5 days isn't much. I am just worried that if I ignore her for weeks, I will just never speak to her again. I always sit here and wonder if she is even thinking of me at all. This website has helped me out so much. Thanks for all the replies! I wanted to text her so badly yesterday, but I stopped myself thankfully. No matter how hard it is, I will go NC to get her to talk to me. Or atleast, increase my chances haha.
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