Davis Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I've been seeing this 40 year old woman about a month. Since we first met she has a habit of when I call she doesn't answer. When I text sometimes she doesn't respond. She leaves IM conversations just "hangin" and doesn't say goodbye or brb. So lately I have been doing basically the same. Here's the latest. I sent her a text on Monday afternoon. She didn't reply. She sends me an IM on Tuesday asking how my day is going, but I'm out of the office and don't see it until about 2:30. Tuesday was a busy, crappy day at work. I didn't respond to her IM. She calls me about 4:30. I'm with a customer and can't answer. I call her back twice in 20 mins and she doesn't answer. She calls me at 6:00pm and asks why I'm upset. I told her I wasn't at all. I tell her I'm busy and I'll call her back. At 8:45 Tuesday nite she texts me "I understand..." I'm assuming that by that she thinks I'm no longer interested and blowing her off. I text her back and say "huh? I had a busy day". I call her at 9:45 and she doesn't answer. I didn't leave a message. No word from her this morning or today. It's all a bunch of mind f**kn highschool games. I know part of it is the "dating ritual". I know I should play it cool and not contact her. The ball, afterall, is currently in her court. Should I tell her that she is unresponsive to my contacts most of the time and it's a bunch of bull or just let it slide? I think at this point it's a game to see who will buckle. I'm thinking I have to play hard ball and wait till she contacts me. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Thoughts?
windchimes Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Ugh....that's exhausting. Who initiated the txt/Im thing? Is she used to doing it and does she understand the etiquette of IMing? I find that people who aren't used to texting or IMing are not good with it, at first. But, if she's doing the same thing with phone, then perhaps she is playing games with you. Anyone who starts out playing games will only get worse as time goes on. As an aside, I find that Txt/IM is a really bad tool to use when trying to develop an intimate relationship. I've experienced a fair amt of confusion from it. It might be fun and flirty...but sometimes people take it too far and use it to really communicate (or try to, anyway).
EC Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I've been seeing this 40 year old woman about a month. Since we first met she has a habit of when I call she doesn't answer. When I text sometimes she doesn't respond. She leaves IM conversations just "hangin" and doesn't say goodbye or brb. So lately I have been doing basically the same. Here's the latest. I sent her a text on Monday afternoon. She didn't reply. She sends me an IM on Tuesday asking how my day is going, but I'm out of the office and don't see it until about 2:30. Tuesday was a busy, crappy day at work. I didn't respond to her IM. She calls me about 4:30. I'm with a customer and can't answer. I call her back twice in 20 mins and she doesn't answer. She calls me at 6:00pm and asks why I'm upset. I told her I wasn't at all. I tell her I'm busy and I'll call her back. At 8:45 Tuesday nite she texts me "I understand..." I'm assuming that by that she thinks I'm no longer interested and blowing her off. I text her back and say "huh? I had a busy day". I call her at 9:45 and she doesn't answer. I didn't leave a message. No word from her this morning or today. It's all a bunch of mind f**kn highschool games. I know part of it is the "dating ritual". I know I should play it cool and not contact her. The ball, afterall, is currently in her court. Should I tell her that she is unresponsive to my contacts most of the time and it's a bunch of bull or just let it slide? I think at this point it's a game to see who will buckle. I'm thinking I have to play hard ball and wait till she contacts me. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Thoughts? You know you could have avoided all of this right? had you just asked hey wassup with you not writing back sometimes or leaving texts hanging? She would have answered and TADA! Nomore problem. But he fact you decided to play games back just made things more awkward. So now she thinks your not inetrested and probably will try to move on and your confirming what she's thinking by not 'caving' in to 'her games'. So she thinks your not interested and you won't call until she caves but she wont because she's waiting on you to see how interested you are. So in the end your both going to probably ruin something before it even got a chance. Just call her and ask her whats up?
Author Davis Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Oh, I'm sure she knows etiquette. She's just playing games cuz she's a player (that's a whole different subject). The questions wasn't IF I should continue or bother with her, but do I "call her" on her behavior or not? Part of me thinks if I call her on her behavior, she will think that she matters to me, which is not what I want to do (you know, keep them wondering). If I call her on it, I think that gives her the control. I think she'll call or contact me. She does know I tried to get back to her. It's kinda like doing NC, at some point she'll come around. Guess I have to wait it out and just play it cool like nothing bothers me...??
EC Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 But if you do care..which you do..why the games? You say she's playing but your the one saying you have to keep her wondering? I would call her out on it and ask her why the foolishness? You can call her out and still be 'in control' if you do it right, but I think you like the games so regardless of what we say here your going to play Mr. Hard to get until she texts with you ' whats the matter call me..text me.." You want her cave in first so what your really asking is how can I get her to cave in first ? No?
SouthernT Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Oh, I'm sure she knows etiquette. She's just playing games cuz she's a player (that's a whole different subject). The questions wasn't IF I should continue or bother with her, but do I "call her" on her behavior or not? Part of me thinks if I call her on her behavior, she will think that she matters to me, which is not what I want to do (you know, keep them wondering). If I call her on it, I think that gives her the control. I think she'll call or contact me. She does know I tried to get back to her. It's kinda like doing NC, at some point she'll come around. Guess I have to wait it out and just play it cool like nothing bothers me...?? What I find VERY amusing is that if the roles were reversed here..(i.e. the guy doing this to the girl) Everyone's response would be "He's just not that into you, move on"....lol
EC Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 What I find VERY amusing is that if the roles were reversed here..(i.e. the guy doing this to the girl) Everyone's response would be "He's just not that into you, move on"....lol Exactly what Im trying to say. Thats exactly what she is probably thinking. So by him trying to be a 'player' and not cave in...shes 'probably' not going to running to him like he thinks..shes probably thinking ' well i guess he's not that into me..time to move on. he's flaky'
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 She is trying to be enigmatic and mysterious. When you do finally get in contact with her either in person or on the phone (not IM or text), explain that you would like to get to know her better but are finding it difficult because of her elusiveness. Try not to make it a criticism as much as an observation. This will let her know that you ar interested, and possibly that she has 'won' this stage of the game. Is this a long distance thing? If not, make a date with her already and have a great time getting to know each other.
Author Davis Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 EC: Haha! Good point. Why the games? Because I've been a doormat in the past and I'm not going to let it happen this time. So, the game is staying in control and having her chase me, not me chasing her. We're both playing games and it's not going to change nor is it going to evolve into some meaningful relationship. No, I'm not going to walk at this point either. You're partly right, I don't think she's that into me. But she'll call and come around because she likes me or the sex. Haha! Yes! How do I get her to cave first! That's one interesting way of putting it. And the answer to that is not to contact her and make her come around. If I continue to contact her, that puts her in control and I don't want that to happen. And if she doesn't come around, she doesn't and I have no control over that anyway, so why be a wuss?
monkey00 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Usually if a girl realizes that a guy doesnt tolerate her games and moves on or if she sees he has other options, they normally would wise up if they had any interest at all. But experience has taught me that most of the women that do play games have low interest and/or trying to play hard to get to keep the guy hooked (or some kind of leash). For the most part a girl with high interest doesnt play games. Still I find it hard to believe a 40 year old woman would be doing something a teenager would... Life is short, especially with busy lives who has the time to deal with the BS of games from women? I say wait out a week or 2 and see what happens, if no contact from her, then contact her and see if things have cooled off and are back to normal. But regardless, initially only use the phone to set up dates.
SouthernT Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 For the most part a girl with high interest doesnt play games. This is true but when a girl has high interest in a guy and doesnt play games, it usually does the opposite and turns him OFF. Because according to MEN...its all about the thrill of the chase. Its funny how neither males nor females like to play games. But if you dont play them, neither party is interested. Makes my head hurt!!
Trialbyfire Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Davis, move on. She's not that into you. :lmao: Okay, had to get that out. Seriously. Call her, leave her a message if she doesn't pick up. Tell her "Okay, enough games. If you're interested, call me back today, otherwise...take care." This puts a time limit on her games. It also puts you in the drivers seat because you're the adult one telling her she's being silly and while you're interested, want a woman, not a teenager, so you're prepared to move on. If she calls you back tomorrow, ignore her and move on.
justagirliegirl Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 great topic. So the general consensus is that if someone does this you should confront them? What if you have been dating for years and they do it from time to time? I find it annoying as bleep to be going along with some good texts back and forth and then every so often he get in some mood and doesn't reply and doesn't text for days. Not saying he has to text every day but good grief use some common courtesy! Should I be frank and say, is there any particular reason you don't reply to my texts? or what's up with not replying to texts? or something else?
Author Davis Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Southern T: you're so right! If you're not a challenge to a woman and don't play the game, you're out. People on here can argue all day about this not being true, but I think it's basic human nature and sexual instinct. Haha Trial! That's ok if she's not that into me, I'm into the sex with her and she's willing! Good advice. I like that line. I guess the only possible problem is that it implies she does matter to me? Maybe not, maybe it does only show that I won't put up with her bs. Oh well, if she doesn't call back and I bail out it doesn't matter. I guess I better have some balls and make that call tonite!
2ndIINone Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 'm thinking I have to play hard ball and wait till she contacts me. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Thoughts? yes. her "I understand" text late that night??? That was just a test... "I understand" doesn't explain anything OR what she understands. She knew that.... and wanted you to follow up. Why she didn't answer the phone? I have no idea.... most likely cause she's a PITA right? Let her play her games with someone else.... in fact, GIVE her the opportunity to. If she asks why??? Be firm, just like you stated in your thread... Should I tell her that she is unresponsive to my contacts most of the time and it's a bunch of bull this basically says... I'm not taken any crap from you.
SouthernT Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I guess the only possible problem is that it implies she does matter to me? Maybe not, maybe it does only show that I won't put up with her bs. Oh well, if she doesn't call back and I bail out it doesn't matter. I guess I better have some balls and make that call tonite! DAVIS!! :laugh: Dude if you like her then you need to first make this decision withing YOURSELF FIRST and then communicate this to her. She's confused because YOUR confused yourself. How is she supposed to act towards you when you are not sending clear signals and being honest with yourself? If she matters to you, then admit it. And this is EXACTLY what happens sometimes. A woman is confused by a man's actions when in reality, he doesnt even know how he feels himself and doesnt know why he does some of the things he does. Then the woman is like "what the hay?" And what are you left with? GAMES!!
OceanBlue Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 lol...I'm a 40 year old woman who has been playing this game for 2 years...only he is the one that is playing games. You mention her age but not yours?? I wonder about age because the guy I am dealing with is significantly younger than I am. Several times I have "quit the game". Usually we hit a point where he runs for a while, then comes back under a friendly guise. To be honest, I rarely initiate any discussions now. Can't be bothered to unless he gets his sh*t together and quits with the games. A few issues cloud our situation - mostly distance - we are only in the same city a few times a year. I'd lay your cards on the table and end the games.
DanielMadr Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 This is true but when a girl has high interest in a guy and doesnt play games, it usually does the opposite and turns him OFF. Because according to MEN...its all about the thrill of the chase. Its funny how neither males nor females like to play games. But if you dont play them, neither party is interested. Makes my head hurt!! B.S. Thrill of chase? Come on. People loved to be chased not do the chase. Some men maybe wants to appear that they are cool with it but they are hardly sincere. Two or three zig-zags and thats it...then you have to be catched or we feel like clumsy morons. When guy has low interest level in a girl, her high interest level might freak him out. But it has nothing to do with not answering calls, avoiding dates, "being busy" etc.
Author Davis Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 How is she supposed to act towards you when you are not sending clear signals. Good point Southern. Ok. She phoned last night and we talked. I kept my cool and didn't say "I'm tired of your games!" like Trial advised even though I wanted to. Some background. We went on my boat Sunday afternoon and I spent the night with her. I didn't respond to her "good morning" text on Monday. What that started was kind of a back and forth game of us not responding to each other. I did "call" her on the fact that she didn't call me back or respond when I got back to her. She tried to make an "excuse" and I called her on that. Her comment last nite was that she thinks that as soon as I get close to her or spend time with her, I back off from her, run or ignore her. (Interesting, but not really true. It's more that I don't want to be chasing her because that puts her in the driver's seat). Part of what's happening is that she thinks I back off, so she backs off. Also, she's dating some other guy and I'm dating other women. It's out in the open. I guess it gets me a little frustrated sometimes that I think she's blowing me off or more interested in some other guy (I know, I chose this situation). There's no point to "lay out my feelings" because it's not going to change anytime soon, if at all and again, I'm not giving her that kind of power. All this keeps me in the position where I have to be unavailable to her sometimes, keep my distance, don't contact too much and let her come to me. This dating game is tiring, isn't it?
nicki Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Yes, the dating game can be very exciting, and tiring, too. I started dating again in my thirties, after a divorce, and I can tell you that the game is the same no matter what your age. Except -- it's as much a game as you make it out to be. It's true that there are some basic guidelines to follow at the beginning of dating, but, basic politeness never takes a back seat. That means you call her back promptly. That means you "call her on her behavior" like the other poster said. It's smart to ask "What's up with you just dropping off contact or not calling back?" You don't need to have a big discussion or anything. Just asking about it lets her know you notice things. Don't play the game by not calling back, always call back. Show her how proper, polite behavior looks. You can still do that and appear confident. It's all in the way you do it. Just state it, ask and then drop it. If she continues not calling you back or dropping off contact, then you can call her and tell her that she seems distracted or too busy and to call YOU when she can. You don't want to "bother" her by calling. She'll get the message. I always make the rule of letting someone know when something bothers me. Then if they dont' fix it, I pull away and if they are smart they will figure out why. If they ask me what's wrong, I tell them. It's very simple. So, you don't need to act like you don't care. If you are seeing her and sleeping with her, then you care. If you want to be exclusive, then talk to her about it. There's nothing worse that two afraid people who don't talk to each other. If you can't deal with her dating others, tell her. Maybe she'll drop the other guys, or maybe she won't. But you can choose to leave. She will respect you if you make your wants known. I think it is very sexy for a guy to say "I want you all to myself." I actually had one guy who told me that and then refused to see me until there were no other guys in the picture. And we were only casually dating, not sleeping together. I respected him a lot. He knew what he wanted and what he would settle for, and was willing to walk away from anything less. Be that kind of guy. Don't worry about playing games so much. If you are both playing games, who's minding the real relationship?
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