I'm wondering...

[Trialbyfire]

I felt I had the right to my own choice at said time, because

 

First and foremost I have free will.

So free will supercedes the law? Are you above the law?

[Tomcat33]

If you are so deeply in love with each other and you know it's real, what is keeping you apart? I would think that if you love someone you would be there for him to help him make the changes he needs so that the two of you can be happy. Why aren't you with him to help him through this difficult time? He does love you right?

 

Because we tried that, and neither he nor I are in any shape or form (given our past history or experience) equipped to handle a relationship that is so charged from all the emotional turmoil that happens once a person leaves one relationship to be immediately in another.

 

As much as I yearn to be with him he is more beneficial to me, and he to himself, and even I to him if he is left alone to go through the normal emotions that need to happen during the greiving period of a break up, he did just end his marriage (or at least this is what it appears) and so I am looking at the long term goal of what is best for us both. I don't want to pressure him in any way or form, I don't want to push him anymore.

 

Given his emotional state, and mine and the fact that we are so emotionally charged by the whole falling in love bit, by the affair aspect of it, we are just not in the best state to embark on something that is healthy for us. YES we rushed things and now that I am away from it all and I have regained my sense of being, and can think more clearly I just want to do what is best for us. If time only pushes us apart then I know that this whole thing was a mistake from the get got. But if this time apart only helps us to nurture this love we feel for each other to want to better ourselves to pick up on a better, healthier note then I think it's the best thing that we can do for each other today. And today is an investment for tomorrow regardless of the outcome.

 

I will say this to him in my response email later today, so that he understands that I am here for him, but that we need to refind ourselves (emotionally especially him) if we want "us" to succeed. And believe me I want US to succeed.

[SoxPrincess]

Sox - though I appreciate your comment, I am quite fine with the idea that not everyone will agree with me and I am able to really "put myself out there" with this in mind. That is also why every situation is its own. that is why when we come together on a discussion board as this one, I cannot tell someone YOU need to feel this because you did THAT.

But I might ask WHY do you feel THIS after experiencing that?

 

I think it is simply because I cannot relate, our situations were very different and you've seen how your MM's W is (I think I read that somewhere), your MM has moved out and even though he is struggling with his situation he is still living away from his home. exMM moved out, but moved right back in the day he left me after telling me no matter what happened w/ us, he would never go back home, he lied to me over and over about certain things..so I think the main reason why I disagree is more simply because I cannot relate.

[herenow]

Because we tried that, and neither he nor I are in any shape or form (given our past history or experience) equipped to handle a relationship that is so charged from all the emotional turmoil that happens once a person leaves one relationship to be immediately in another.

 

As much as I yearn to be with him he is more beneficial to me, and he to himself, and even I to him if he is left alone to go through the normal emotions that need to happen during the greiving period of a break up, he did just end his marriage (or at least this is what it appears) and so I am looking at the long term goal of what is best for us both. I don't want to pressure him in any way or form, I don't want to push him anymore.

 

Given his emotional state, and mine and the fact that we are so emotionally charged by the whole falling in love bit, by the affair aspect of it, we are just not in the best state to embark on something that is healthy for us. YES we rushed things and now that I am away from it all and I have regained my sense of being, and can think more clearly I just want to do what is best for us. If time only pushes us apart then I know that this whole thing was a mistake from the get got. But if this time apart only helps us to nurture this love we feel for each other to want to better ourselves to pick up on a better, healthier note then I think it's the best thing that we can do for each other today. And today is an investment for tomorrow regardless of the outcome.

 

I will say this to him in my response email later today, so that he understands that I am here for him, but that we need to refind ourselves (emotionally especially him) if we want "us" to succeed. And believe me I want US to succeed.

 

But if you do get together with him in the future, how do you know that he won't go back to his wife like he did before? You say you can't understand why someone would be with a person that cheated on them. How can you entertain the possibility of being with someone that has already proved to you that they can go back to the marriage while with you? Based on what you have said here to us BW, it sounds like you wouldn't want to have anything to do with this guy ever.

[whichwayisup]

But if this time apart only helps us to nurture this love we feel for each other

 

Are you prepared for the flipside of this though? What if during that time, that love isn't nurtured, what if he chooses not to continue ANY sort of relationship, let alone a friendship with you, can and are you willing to accept that? People have freewill, so if he chooses the latter of what you want 'it' to be, will you let him go - Or will you still pursue him and try to convince him he's better off with you, rather than being with his wife or him being alone.

[Tomcat33]

Isn't this a betrayal towards you? Don't you consider this cheating? So all your talk about him only cheating on his wife and he has never cheated on you is a bunch of bull.

 

I don't care how much his wife begged, if he loved you, he would have stayed with you.

 

Yes, it was a betrayal towards me because I trusted that he was done with his W for sure. On the other hand I knew she was still in the picture and if he had any doubt that he needed to try to give his marriage closure, despite what pain it would cause me, I am better off letting him do what he needs to do than to hold on to him with dear life. And as it happend he went home and then came back to me three weeks after. They started doing councelling and at home she sat next to him deleting all our emails. She changed and took over all his computer passwords, took over his cellphone and made him spill the beans about EVERYTHING. He did just that. and they went to intense councelling together, he later described sitting next to her watching her delete all of our love mails, like she was putting a sharp kinfe in his stomach every time she pressed delete. They tried going out and they would sit across from one another with not a word to say, it was excrutiating to say the least. he would wake up in the middle of the night and reach over to see me only to see her in bed, and the last straw was him wanting to share something that had happened in a project we had been working on (I was removed from it when he decided to go back) and he realised that he wanted so badly to tell me all about and instead would have to speak to her with her famous "that's great" come back. So that very night he contacted me tellimg he was leaving for good over the weekend. and come monday he was out for good.

 

If he loved her we would have also stayed with her and cut me put for good.

[Tomcat33]

But if you do get together with him in the future, how do you know that he won't go back to his wife like he did before? You say you can't understand why someone would be with a person that cheated on them. How can you entertain the possibility of being with someone that has already proved to you that they can go back to the marriage while with you? Based on what you have said here to us BW, it sounds like you wouldn't want to have anything to do with this guy ever.

 

 

I don't until he can prove to me he is done for good ie. papers

 

And again he cheated on her, not me.

 

Are you prepared for the flipside of this though? What if during that time, that love isn't nurtured, what if he chooses not to continue ANY sort of relationship, let alone a friendship with you, can and are you willing to accept that? People have freewill, so if he chooses the latter of what you want 'it' to be, will you let him go - Or will you still pursue him and try to convince him he's better off with you, rather than being with his wife or him being alone.

 

Absolutely! I can have stepped back every time he decided he wanted me out of the picture. I never ONCE pursued him to tell him he was better off with me. Where are you getting that from. HE chose to come back to me based on what we shared. The only thing I did pressure him on was to get his divorce going once we started dating.

[herenow]

If he loved her we would have also stayed with her and cut me put for good.

 

Maybe he doesn't love either of you as much as he loves himself. No one doubts that he no longer loves his wife, but like I said, if he loves you, he would be with you. If his love for you was true, he wouldn't have left you to go back to work on his marriage.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, it was a betrayal towards me because I trusted that he was done with his W for sure. On the other hand I knew she was still in the picture and if he had any doubt that he needed to try to give his marriage closure, despite what pain it would cause me, I am better off letting him do what he needs to do than to hold on to him with dear life. And as it happend he went home and then came back to me three weeks after. They started doing councelling and at home she sat next to him deleting all our emails. She changed and took over all his computer passwords, took over his cellphone and made him spill the beans about EVERYTHING. He did just that. and they went to intense councelling together, he later described sitting next to her watching her delete all of our love mails, like she was putting a sharp kinfe in his stomach every time she pressed delete. They tried going out and they would sit across from one another with not a word to say, it was excrutiating to say the least. he would wake up in the middle of the night and reach over to see me only to see her in bed, and the last straw was him wanting to share something that had happened in a project we had been working on (I was removed from it when he decided to go back) and he realised that he wanted so badly to tell me all about and instead would have to speak to her with her famous "that's great" come back. So that very night he contacted me tellimg he was leaving for good over the weekend. and come monday he was out for good.

 

If he loved her we would have also stayed with her and cut me put for good.

Why has he not cut her out for good? Are you not meeting all of his needs?

[whichwayisup]

If he loved her we would have also stayed with her and cut me put for good.

 

Nope. Any SELFISH person, man or woman, won't do that. It has nothing to do with what he feels for his wife, he could love her and STILL have a little sumthing on the side...Sex is sex to some men, and affairs feed ego's.

 

You also could CUT HIM from your life and not wait for him to cut you from his life.

[herenow]

I don't until he can prove to me he is done for good ie. papers

 

And again he cheated on her, not me.

 

 

You admit that he betrayed you when he left you to go back to work on his marriage. His marriage certificate didn't mean anything to him, why would divorce papers be any different?

[herenow]

Why has he not cut her out for good? Are you not meeting all of his needs?

 

 

Bam!

 

His needs have to be met somewhere and if his is not with his wife and he is not with Tomcat...???

 

and he's living alone.

 

OMG Tomcat, when the cat's away...

[Tomcat33]

Why has he not cut her out for good? Are you not meeting all of his needs?

 

because in life not everything is black and white, there is plenty of grey too. They are seperated, they still need to finalize what is going on that front so they would not cut each other out for good. While I was with him it was blissful, we had so much fun together, he would grab my face and tell me "I can't beleive this I can't believe I found you, we'd be walking down the street and he would grab me spontaneously and say I have never had so much fun in my entire life with a woman" I never thought love could be this good. I never fell in love, I never dreamt about having a child until I met you I imagine what they would look like, for the first time I WANT to have child I don't feel the pressure to do so, my parents LOVE you, they never really liked her much" We had too many things in common, I can't get into specifics and some fundamental things that gave me an advantage over his wife in the commonalities respect, because it is too many details I don't wish to share on here on a public board"

 

He felt a lot of guilt for being happy and his W not finding someone to also make her happy, she had a lot of personal issues from her upbringing that he felt bad about as well and that was part of his guilt for abandoning her...and why he never made a move to get out of the marriage because he felt like he had made the choice, life would not get better than that, they were like roommates and that was what life had given him to deal with. all the emotional and thought process its much more complicated than what meets the eyes. I couldn't possibly get into everything we shared. While he was with me I met all of his needs, he was with me 100% of the time, it was I who wanted to take it slow, who needed to take a step back and protect myself from getting in too deep.

[Tomcat33]

Bam!

 

His needs have to be met somewhere and if his is not with his wife and he is not with Tomcat...???

 

and he's living alone.

 

OMG Tomcat, when the cat's away...

 

 

sorry I didn't quite get that... please explain what you meant here?

[Trialbyfire]

because in life not everything is black and white, there is plenty of grey too.

But real love supercedes all, does it not? I mean there's no way possible for him to love his wife while claiming his love for you, right?

[herenow]

because in life not everything is black and white, there is plenty of grey too. They are seperated, they still need to finalize what is going on that front so they would not cut each other out for good. While I was with him it was blissful, we had so much fun together, he would grab my face and tell me "I can't beleive this I can't believe I found you, we'd be walking down the street and he would grab me spontaneously and say I have never had so much fun in my entire life with a woman" I never thought love could be this good. I never fell in love, I never dreamt about having a child until I met you I imagine what they would look like, for the first time I WANT to have child I don't feel the pressure to do so, my parents LOVE you, they never really liked her much" We had too many things in common, I can't get into specifics and some fundamental things that gave me an advantage over his wife in the commonalities respect, because it is too many details I don't wish to share on here on a public board"

 

He felt a lot of guilt for being happy and his W not finding someone to also make her happy, she had a lot of personal issues from her upbringing that he felt bad about as well and that was part of his guilt for abandoning her...and why he never made a move to get out of the marriage because he felt like he had made the choice, life would not get better than that, they were like roommates and that was what life had given him to deal with. all the emotional and thought process its much more complicated than what meets the eyes. I couldn't possibly get into everything we shared. While he was with me I met all of his needs, he was with me 100% of the time, it was I who wanted to take it slow, who needed to take a step back and protect myself from getting in too deep.

 

That's what he said! I'm sure the wife tells a different story about what he tells her.

 

Sounds like you've found yourself a real winner. The Tom Cruise crazy type. If there was a couch on the street you were walking down, I bet he would have jumped up and down on it. You should be together celebrating your love. Oh, but that's not the case is it?

[herenow]

sorry I didn't quite get that... please explain what you meant here?

 

Trial, help me out here, she really doesn't understand. Maybe you can do a better job of explaining it.

[Tomcat33]

You also could CUT HIM from your life and not wait for him to cut you from his life.

 

Well that is precisely what I am doing now am I not?

 

 

what if he chooses not to continue ANY sort of relationship, let alone a friendship with you, can and are you willing to accept that? People have freewill, so if he chooses the latter of what you want 'it' to be, will you let him go - Or will you still pursue him and try to convince him he's better off with you, rather than being with his wife or him being alone.

 

Funny I have told you all that I am doing, everything I am not doing or doing (dpends on how you want to look at it) on my end to let him be, to let him do what he needs, and he keeps coming back to me on his own free will, and that is still not good enough for you that is still ME taking him away from his W?

 

Short of shooting him in the heart so that he stop feeling what he feels, I cannot control what his heart dictates him to do!!!

[Izzar]

because in life not everything is black and white, there is plenty of grey too. They are seperated, they still need to finalize what is going on that front so they would not cut each other out for good. While I was with him it was blissful, we had so much fun together, he would grab my face and tell me "I can't beleive this I can't believe I found you, we'd be walking down the street and he would grab me spontaneously and say I have never had so much fun in my entire life with a woman" I never thought love could be this good. I never fell in love, I never dreamt about having a child until I met you I imagine what they would look like, for the first time I WANT to have child I don't feel the pressure to do so, my parents LOVE you, they never really liked her much" We had too many things in common, I can't get into specifics and some fundamental things that gave me an advantage over his wife in the commonalities respect, because it is too many details I don't wish to share on here on a public board"

 

He felt a lot of guilt for being happy and his W not finding someone to also make her happy, she had a lot of personal issues from her upbringing that he felt bad about as well and that was part of his guilt for abandoning her...and why he never made a move to get out of the marriage because he felt like he had made the choice, life would not get better than that, they were like roommates and that was what life had given him to deal with. all the emotional and thought process its much more complicated than what meets the eyes. I couldn't possibly get into everything we shared. While he was with me I met all of his needs, he was with me 100% of the time, it was I who wanted to take it slow, who needed to take a step back and protect myself from getting in too deep.

 

 

I feel so bad for his wife. Especially after reading this.

TomKat,

He needs to divorce his wife so she can have the chance to be happy with someone else.

[Trialbyfire]

Trial, help me out here, she really doesn't understand. Maybe you can do a better job of explaining it.

Okay, let me try. I think you did fine though.

 

If this man can cheat on his wife, who he is legally bound to, he can cheat on someone who empowered him to cheat.

 

If he's not living with his wife or you, what's to stop him from keeping his options open and looking for someone else to meet all his needs, since neither you nor his wife is capable of doing so.

[Tomcat33]

That's what he said! I'm sure the wife tells a different story about what he tells her.

 

Sounds like you've found yourself a real winner. The Tom Cruise crazy type. If there was a couch on the street you were walking down, I bet he would have jumped up and down on it. You should be together celebrating your love. Oh, but that's not the case is it?

 

He is no more a winner, or a loser than your own H prob is. he is just a man. A man who made a mistake a man who fell in love for the first time in his life and a woman who loved him but didn't realise she was neglecting him, she neglected him to such point that she let him go into the arms of someone that happened to be very appealing to him. A man who was too coward to make a decision and stand by it, who waited for a catalyst to take action but nonetheless a man, a human being, much like your H.

[herenow]

Funny I have told you all that I am doing, everything I am not doing or doing (dpends on how you want to look at it) on my end to let him be, to let him do what he needs, and he keeps coming back to me on his own free will, and that is still not good enough for you that is still ME taking him away from his W?

 

Short of shooting him in the heart so that he stop feeling what he feels, I cannot control what his heart dictates him to do!!!

 

If you are so sure of his love for you, I still don't understand what is

keeping you apart. I know you have tried to explain it, but if the love that you have for each other is so strong and so right, what could possibly keep you apart? I can see if there was a question about how you felt or he felt, but you say there is no question that you are deeply in love.

[whichwayisup]

didn't realise she was neglecting him, she neglected him to such point that she let him go into the arms of someone that happened to be very appealing to him.

 

And, once again, the blame ALL falls on the shoulders of his wife. Hello, he has a brain and he has a f**k'n MOUTH. He could have TOLD her ANYTIME that HE felt unhappy, that HE felt she was neglecting his needs and abdoning their marriage. He CHOSE to cheat on her. He CHOSE not to confront her and talk to her about the marriage. Now, if she CHOSE not to listen to him, he could have walked away and ended the marriage right there - But, he didn't...He chose to BETRAY her in the worst way, by cheating.

[herenow]

He is no more a winner, or a loser than your own H prob is. he is just a man. A man who made a mistake a man who fell in love for the first time in his life and a woman who loved him but didn't realise she was neglecting him, she neglected him to such point that she let him go into the arms of someone that happened to be very appealing to him. A man who was too coward to make a decision and stand by it, who waited for a catalyst to take action but nonetheless a man, a human being, much like your H.

 

Doesn't sound like she let him go to me!

[herenow]

I feel so bad for his wife. Especially after reading this.

TomKat,

He needs to divorce his wife so she can have the chance to be happy with someone else.

 

Absolutely 100% correct!