I'm wondering...

[herenow]

This is what causes me to rethink the hardline attitude I had, although he's still got a long way to go. Consider me a bitch that way by not helping him but I do feel that this is a journey he has to make by himself. He needs to want to change for his own good.

 

I agree 100% with this. They need to make changes from within because they want to. I noticed this in my H which is why I'm giving our marriage a second chance.

 

The other part is that I'm willing to change as well. I have acknowledged my part in our problems and I know that if I don't change for myself, things will never get better. I'm happy about the changes I have made, I find myself to be a happier person all around, not only in my marriage. I don't take ANY of the blame for his affair, but I do accept part of the responsibility for the problems we had.

[Tomcat33]

Don't take this wrong way RB but after reading your last post you make it sound like the affair was the best thing that could have happened to you. It sounds like it was a thing that actually worked in your favour to improve your life. Why on earth then post opinions on revenge on the OW then? Why even entertain revenge on the OW? When in actually she did you a favour. Perhaps take out a thread to THANK the OW?

 

As to your comment of me being really hurt right now...honestly, I feel at ease. For the first time in weeks I feel totally and untterly at ease. I feel clear headed and I feel like the pain is gone if not going... even if it is temporary madness, it's going. Perhaps coming on here an writing out my thoughts has proven to be a sort of catharsis.

 

And BTW, an OW does have proof that the MM is a cheater by the fact that he cheats on his wife. Isn't that proof enough of what he is capable of? I will never again take my marriage for granted, I'm not that ignorant anymore. However, I won't let paranoia rule my life. I love my husband and he loves me and I love our life together. It's worth taking a chance.

 

 

I have the proof that he cheated on another person, not myself. That proof means nothing to me. My husband can be a real prick to someone at work, and then come home and be the complete opposite to me, does that mean his is a prick or does it mean that he can be a prick to the given the circumstance/people involved.

But HE has the proof that you will forgive him, that you will let him get away with it. And this will stay with you forever no matter how inlove you feel right now...it's a huge cross to bear when you didn't even do anything to deserve that.

[Tomcat33]

That's like a theif saying that the owner wants there property back to punish me! :lmao: :lmao: Good God, TomCat, even if you believe that I can't fathom that you would admit to it! :lmao: Please, please tell me this some type of sick humor or a typo atleast. Keep on pondering that along with your other delusions of entitlement.

 

Jesus IHWW a "property" back? Is that what you consider your spouse? a property? People don't OWN people, people own things.

This is EXACTLY the type of comment that I am talking about. Comparing a spouse to a property just goes to show why these very BSs want their "property" back: $$$$$$$$

 

Thanks for spelling it out for us IHWW

[herenow]

But HE has the proof that you will forgive him, that you will let him get away with it. And this will stay with you forever no matter how inlove you feel right now...it's a huge cross to bear when you didn't even do anything to deserve that.

 

He has the proof that I love him enough to give him a second chance. He also has the proof based on my reaction to his affair, that I can and will move on without him if this ever happens again. In no way did he "get away with it". He has faced what he did and he is working on the changes necessary within himself to make sure he doesn't make the same mistake again. What he knows is that I believe in him.

[Tomcat33]

He has the proof that I love him enough to give him a second chance. He also has the proof based on my reaction to his affair, that I can and will move on without him. In no way did he "get away with it". He has faced what he did and he is working on the changes necessary within himself to make sure he doesn't make the same mistake again. What he knows is that I believe in him.

 

And he didn't think you loved him enough before the affair?

Did he also know you believed in him before the affair?

 

How does he know you can and will move on without him?

[herenow]

And he didn't think you loved him enough before the affair?

Did he also know you believed in him before the affair?

 

How does he know you can and will move on without him?

 

Actually, no, he didn't know I loved him enough, and I blame myself for that. I have always admitted that I took my marriage for granted. And, no again, he didn't know how much I believed in him before the affair. Again, my problem.

 

He knows I will move on, because, as I have said, I kicked him out when I found out about the affair and got the divorce paper work started the next day. He begged to come back and both of us are working to make things better. And, so far, we are on the right track. There is no quick fix, it takes time to re-build a marriage.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Jesus IHWW a "property" back? Is that what you consider your spouse? a property? People don't OWN people, people own things.

This is EXACTLY the type of comment that I am talking about. Comparing a spouse to a property just goes to show why these very BSs want their "property" back: $$$$$$$$

 

Thanks for spelling it out for us IHWW

 

 

I am glad you pointed that. I consider the "life that I have built with my spouse" more important than any property that I "own". If you broke into my house to steal my used tissues I'ld shoot you in the back. And yes half of everything WE own is mine.

 

As for the analogy, obviously ideas such as covenant and even "right and wrong" mean nothing to you, so I was going for something you might possibly be able to comprehend.

By the same standard I don't OWN my children but if I caught you selling them drugs, no matter how much they begged you, you would pay the price.

 

It might behoove OW to know exactly what the BS of their MM is capable of before they make the decision to put themselves in jeopardy.

 

You have defined yourself by your actions and you will never deserve anything more than the scraps your MM gives you.... by your own choice.

[Tomcat33]

That's like a theif saying that the owner wants there property back to punish me! :lmao: :lmao: Good God, TomCat, even if you believe that I can't fathom that you would admit to it! :lmao: Please, please tell me this some type of sick humor or a typo atleast. Keep on pondering that along with your other delusions of entitlement.

 

And another thing...

 

OW "steal" husbands away? LOL like he had no say in the matter?

you're right he was just a dimond ring tucked away in the neighbour's jewelery box safe. The OW came in stole the combination and snatched the jewlery away...

 

Here's a newsflash for you: He went willingly

99.9% of the times HE sought it out, he insisted, pursued and eventually loved the women they lied to while the BS was off doing god knows what comfortably clueless to his whereabouts. But the poor sod, was "stolen" away. LOL

 

It really amuses me how you keep absolving the WH of their part in this whole thing. Gees I've never seen so much denial in one place at once....

 

By the same standard I don't OWN my children but if I caught you selling them drugs, no matter how much they begged you, you would pay the price.

 

GEES THAT's a surprise!! the same person who insists her poor H was stolen and wants revenge on an OW, also states she would get gevenge on the drug dealer selling her kids drugs.

 

Here's a thought: why not sit your kids down, teach them that drugs can harm them and be a good source of support for them, and when/if that drug dealer comes around perhaps the kids won't succumb to the pressure. BUT if they do, sit them down again and reprimend THEM for not being the best they could be. who gives a F#@#$% about the drug dealer!

 

You have defined yourself by your actions and you will never deserve anything more than the scraps your MM gives you.... by your own choice.

 

Well gladly for me I never had "scraps" I dated a seperated man who devoted TOO much time to me and assured me that he was done with his marriage. Now he is probably trying to tell his W he is done with me but is still trying to contact me every chance he gets. So who gets the scraps in the end really?

[greengoddess]

Tomcat why are you being so intentionally mean? Why are intentionally trying to hurt the bs's? They did NOTHING to you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Here's a newsflash for you: He went willingly

99.9% of the times HE sought it out, he insisted, pursued and eventually loved the women they lied to while the BS was off doing god knows what comfortably clueless to his whereabouts. But the poor sod, was "stolen" away. LOL

 

It really amuses me how you keep absolving the WH of their part in this whole thing. Gees I've never seen so much denial in one place at once....

 

 

Denial is not a problem for me. This is a totally different thread all together. I have never said that I didn't hold WH accountable, actually he is the only one accountable. Its YOUR attitue, " the W wants him back to hurt ME" that gripes me. I don't doubt that he willingly sought you out, don't care that he lied to you, I'm sick and tired of the OW blaming the wife for the man being married when THEY chose a married man. If you make a dangerous decision then you are putting yourself into a dangerous situation.

 

We can safely assume then that you were never "sat down" and told that it is wrong to interfere in other peoples lives, right? You are being the "best that you can be". Right? My guess is probably so. Toodles.

[herenow]

So who gets the scraps in the end really?

 

I don't know. Who gets the scrapes in the end Tomcat?

[herenow]

Tomcat why are you being so intentionally mean? Why are intentionally trying to hurt the bs's? They did NOTHING to you.

 

GG, she can only hurt you if you let her.

[herenow]

Carry on my friends. I'm off to a basketball game. Have a great night!

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat why are you being so intentionally mean? Why are intentionally trying to hurt the bs's? They did NOTHING to you.

 

We are having a discussion, whatever you interpret from my comments is really your own interpretation. I am not "trying" to hurt anyone. When somemone comes into a discussion and states

 

"Keep on pondering that along with your other delusions of entitlement"

 

simply because they disagree with my points of views, then they should take accountability for what they create. But then again this the same person that believes OW steal away H like they are defensenless puppies.

 

Denial is not a problem for me. This is a totally different thread all together. I have never said that I didn't hold WH accountable, actually he is the only one accountable. Its YOUR attitue, " the W wants him back to hurt ME" that gripes me. I don't doubt that he willingly sought you out, don't care that he lied to you, I'm sick and tired of the OW blaming the wife for the man being married when THEY chose a married man. If you make a dangerous decision then you are putting yourself into a dangerous situation.

 

We can safely assume then that you were never "sat down" and told that it is wrong to interfere in other peoples lives, right? You are being the "best that you can be". Right? My guess is probably so. Toodles.

 

Please show me where in any of my posts have I blamed any W for the A?

I would love to see that.

I'm sorry you are sick and tired of OW blaming you for it that is your issue... but I am not your punching bag for your frustrations. k?

 

If you make a dangerous decision then you are putting yourself into a dangerous situation.

 

I agree which is why I will hold strong the fact that I take full accountability for the pain MY choice inflicted on me, that is to get involved with someone seperated and still married. But I do not feel accounatble for "destroying" the possibility of a marriage being salvaged. That is entirely HIS doing.

 

The point of this thread was on how BS feel they may know deep little secrets about the OW to get revenge on the them, and quite frankly at times it appears some women are more concerned with how to get revenge than with the fact that they truly love thir Hs and want them back for the right reasons.

 

And spare me the morality lesson on what is right and wrong. WE all know what is right and what is wrong, but because we are human we all make mistakes. You know what's right and wrong too, yet you did something along the line in your own life with your H to make him feel like he could hurt you in the way that he did. That doesn't mean he HAD to do it but he did. A lot of As happen out of resentment. Two wrongs don't make a right but for every action there is a reaction. So really who are you to tell ME that I don't know my right from wrong?

And let me remind you I have been on both ends. I have been cheated on too...

[Freedom Now]

You too FN. Define from within.

 

GIRL POWA!!

 

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,

anyone can start now and make a brand new ending..."

 

Carl Bard

[Ruby Tuesday]

Tomcat I didnt take him back to punish the OW, it's just a fringe benefit of reconcillation to finally have the (perfect) opportunity to turn the tables on my nemesis.

 

She lol'ed at me when I was down, literally, as in, "haha I was with your old man last night go ask him!" but just take a good look at whose got the last laugh on that bitch.

 

LOL

 

And if you knew what kind of psycho she was, you would have agreed that this truely was the best revenge a girl could have on a OW who was bent on ruining your life and trying to make you "go away" because she knew you were the one who belonged with him, and she hated that.

 

I worked seventeen years at my husband's side, being faithful and paying my dues. We did have sex together, my infant daughter was living proof we had sex together at least once the year the affair started. She took away my bonding time with my little girl and her father and robbed me of that precious time & I can never get that back.

 

So really, in my case it was actually the other way around, she tried taking him because that was the kind of hateful person that she was. She would take what another person had for her very own because she was jealous and hateful.

 

It wasn't my life that was a lie, it was the A that was a lie.

[Tomcat33]

RT

 

..you know the more I read the cases on here the more I feel like I cannot relate at all with how some of these OW that are described here are. I am so different from that....I never wanted to harm anyone. I said this to him many times. I made a mistake that cost me a lot of heartache, but I don't think I for once was out to wreck a life. It wasn't about that in my case. I can see there are a lot of women who might even get off on that type of thing. I remember at times when I first started dating my MM and he would tell me that his ex would write him emails telling him she was really upset over the break-up, it would break my heart. I felt for her, I felt her pain for the break up, break ups are never easy. But he would assure me that it was too late for her pain and though he felt bad that she was suffering and he had moved on to be happily in love, that he could not dwell on it for too long or else his guilt would start up. He felt tremendous guilt for finidng love while she hadn't. I understood him because I know that deep down he was not an evil person, I understood how our connection developed and grew and that we both go in way over our heads. What a mess...

 

So when I go on here defending my stance it is on my views and my personal experience, we really cannot peg all situations as the same. We really cannot say that all OW are evil and that all BS are foolish (or whatever the stereotype may be) every situation is different. But the one commonality that most women have in these types of situations is that one way or another we were all lied to. And yes the BS is the real victim in the A, but if some of the BS had a chance to speak to some OW you might find that they are really not that evil at all, they were just women who much like yourselves let their guard down at one point and got burned in the end.

 

 

Ruby your situation makes me sick to my stomach, in the sense that I don't know how any man can do that to thier wife and child...or woman interfere with a family like that. I dunnow...who am I to judge...I also justified my situation because there were no kids involved just two people bound byt wedding rings that never seemed to spend any time together.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree 100% with this. They need to make changes from within because they want to. I noticed this in my H which is why I'm giving our marriage a second chance.

 

The other part is that I'm willing to change as well. I have acknowledged my part in our problems and I know that if I don't change for myself, things will never get better. I'm happy about the changes I have made, I find myself to be a happier person all around, not only in my marriage. I don't take ANY of the blame for his affair, but I do accept part of the responsibility for the problems we had.

Your situation was different then mine so I can understand why you were willing to try again.

 

It's interesting when you raise the point of personal issues. I'm undergoing evolution as well. Perhaps that's why I have nothing left for him although I did try for awhile and even had a little success with him but found that it sucked so much out of me that I suffered regression.

 

He's managed to kill my innate female ability to multi-task.

 

No more. This is now my time to focus solely on me. Me time, per se.

[Tomcat33]

She took away my bonding time with my little girl and her father and robbed me of that precious time & I can never get that back.

 

Sorry but how did she do this?

[Trialbyfire]

OW "steal" husbands away? LOL like he had no say in the matter?

you're right he was just a dimond ring tucked away in the neighbour's jewelery box safe. The OW came in stole the combination and snatched the jewlery away...

 

Here's a newsflash for you: He went willingly

99.9% of the times HE sought it out, he insisted, pursued and eventually loved the women they lied to while the BS was off doing god knows what comfortably clueless to his whereabouts. But the poor sod, was "stolen" away. LOL

 

When an OW deliberately befriends an MM, getting closer to pursue the physical aspect of a relationship, you bet she has some serious ownership of the problem.

 

It's called divide and conquer. See a crack? Wiggle your way in, make it a fissure. It's easy to do if you know the right buttons to push, the buttons that the MM hands to the OW when he looks for moral support from the OW. She empowers the darker side of him by telling him how right he is all the time, regardless of the facts and how smart, charming, attractive and perfect he is. This is not how you support a friend in need. The healthy way is to tell them when they're wrong (in a tactful way, of course) and back them up when they're right.

 

If that's not vampiring from the primary relationship in order to supercede it, I don't know what is.

[Ruby Tuesday]

My daughter is my last child. I had a difficult pregnancy and I cannot have another child. This will be my last memory of one of our most important milestones.

 

There are so many depths and levels to my pain. I cannot begin to descibe how much damage the affair has done. It has hurt me in more ways than you'd think it ever could.

 

I can never get that time back. It's so important to have that intimate bonding time between a mother, father and baby. I may as well have been a single mother in that delivery room, because my husband's mind was gone. He was present but his mind was on the OW, who was babysitting my other two children under false pretenses.

 

You know when a MM/WS get that feeling of entitlement and they are angry and cross with the BS (playing mind games) to get away from her to see the OW? Well, when I gave birth to her, I could tell how much he hated me. I could feel it, but I just couldn't understand it. I didnt know about infidelity. I had a solid upbringing and we didnt have that problem in our house.

 

I suffered because of that too. I would sit there racking my brain, why is he acting so insane? What is his problem? What did I ever do to him to make him hate me so much? It almost drove me mad just wondering so much about it. I was very hurt and terribly confused and couldnt fix it. I didnt know anything was broken. I didnt find out about the affair until the following spring.

 

Anyway, I had almost forgotten about that time, I have put it away in the back of my mind so I could focus on the present. However, my friend just had a baby on Monday, she was having a little boy, and I went to see her at the hospital.

 

My friend was in the same birthing room as I was almost four years ago. Stepping in that room was like going back in time and it just wrecked me. They call that a "trigger" and it blew me away like it just happened to me yesterday.

 

The gift that keeps on giving. Like I said it is not a cake walk. People dont reconcille for the heck of it, or for revenge. It cost me dearly. Precious time I cannot get back.

[Tomcat33]

.See a crack? Wiggle your way in, make it a fissure

 

Why is there a crack?

 

 

When an OW deliberately befriends an MM, getting closer to pursue the physical aspect of a relationship, you bet she has some serious ownership of the problem.

 

Where is the BS when the OW is "deliberately" befriending her H?

[Trialbyfire]

Why is there a crack?

Are marriages perfect?

 

Where is the BS when the OW is "deliberately" befriending her H?

 

Being non-controlling...

[whichwayisup]

Where is the BS when the OW is "deliberately" befriending her H?

Once again, TC, you are blaming the BS for her H's choice to cheat and letting OW in.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Where is the BS when the OW is "deliberately" befriending her H?

 

I was non-controlling, and I was trusting. I am also not the type to hang out in bars where I would have most likely caught them a lot sooner. I was at home being the responsible one. I wasnt out banging around. I was home where I was supposed to be.

 

It was my unwaivering, constant reliablity that made that possible for them to get away with everything for as long as they had. If he said he was at his friend Matt's house, I believed him. Why would I not? I was faithful and also believed he was also faithful to me.

 

If I had any doubts about his friendship (and I've had a few) my questions were met with lies and deceit. He accused me of being crazy when he made mistakes. I was too close to finding out. He made me doubt my own mind. He'd resent me for even asking, he'd pick a fight and leave me and go to her house. He would say I was controlling and psychotic. She would sympathize with him and give him his reward.

 

Then the lies got so bad, nothing was real anymore. After fourteen years of honor and faith in him I was demonized and maligned behind my back and he would still have the nerve to come home to me every night and act as though nothing was going on. Its called crazymaking or more commonly, gaslighting.

 

And dont believe for one second the MM dont lie to the OW as well, to justify their affair, the same as the OW will lie to protect her MM. She's drawn to it like a moth to a flame. The OW is a willing participant in the game. She is not an innocent victim, though like you said, some OW's play the game to the hilt and will turn it around and hate on the BW when they are the one sleeping with the BW's man, as if they had the right to be there. As if the BW had no right and no say in her own marriage.

 

The lines cross and the OW is treated like a wife and the BW is treated like a common tramp.

 

People will say and do alot of crazy things to justify an affair, self create their own moral reasons, as though she's saving him from an unhappy marriage, she can be a better wife, anything but see it as corrupt and overblown.

 

These are grown men and women acting like teenagers because they are missing life skills that most of us posess, to know better than to engage in such self-destructive behavior with a married person.