I'm wondering...

[greengoddess]

lol ruby tuesday. I love that. I hope you two are happy and that was very well put.

[herenow]

I'm not saying anything to make this a personal attack on anyone here on this forum, but from the BS's P.O.V. the OW are coming between two people and breaking-up a family. It's their family, not the OW's. More than half the time, we don't even see it coming and we get our world shattered for having been so blind to it.

 

I mean, what would you do (or how would you feel) if someone was deliberately messing with your family? If you know he is married and you persisted in seeking out the MM, then basicly you are just opening yourself up to an attack from the betrayed person.

 

I think the level of revenge has to do with the length of the affair, and if there have been multiple d-days, where the BS is dealing with someone who just attacks, attacks, attacks.

 

Once the affair is out in the open, the MM usually gaslights the BS and they are forced to investigate OW's personal and professional life and do whatever it is that they have to do to put an end to the OW's game and maybe even perhaps teach her a valuable lesson.

 

If the BW did try to aggressively mess with the OW's life, like the xOW messed with mine, then I'd say they had it coming and thensome. I do have a guilty pleasure in seeing a bad person go down, and the harder she goes down the better. As the OW you have no idea the amount of lifelong pain you have caused another woman. You see it as pleasure, she sees it as pain. Our perpectives are very different, but you are knowingly harming another soul for whatever "reasons" and it may just come back to you x3.

 

I do enjoy the karma stories because it's just too freaky. Sometimes what comes around goes around, and thats a fact. It's as though God's hand is punishing the person for their cruelty and it's justified when seen through the eyes of fate.

 

The OW wrote my husband after d-day threatening payback and she stopped at nothing to help break us apart thensome. She succeeded everytime. She just would not fu*ck off to save her own life. One whole year of hell, she said. It's payback time, she cried. I'm just getting started, blah blah blah.

 

As for my revenge, I did the ultimate thing I could ever do to her, the same thing she did to me.

 

I have her boyfriend

 

Good point. The fact is, the best thing a BW can do (if both her and her H choose) is to work on their marriage and learn from the experience to make it better and stronger. To focus on revenge towards the OW gives the OW a place where she doesn't belong.

 

You brought up something that I hadn't though of. The best revenge is that the OW is who she is and has the life that she has. I can't think of anything worse that I could ever do to her. Karma is a bit*h.

[GreenEyedLady]

The best revenge is that the OW is who she is and has the life that she has. I can't think of anything worse that I could ever do to her. Karma is a bit*h.

 

You know, I almost didn't post, but then come on, I just had too...

 

You know technically I'm an XOW, but you know what, I'm glad I am who I am and I LIKE my life...I have a pretty normal, middle-class life for a single parent...

 

And yes, there are some crazy OW's out there, but most of us are just normal people who never intended to hurt anyone...

[Freedom Now]

And many of us, like GEL and myself, were put into that position against our knowledge.

 

And, as for that: what goes around comes around....for our xMM!

[Ruby Tuesday]

LOL thanks you guys!

 

I told her on d-day that he was my husband, but she just laughed and scoffed at that saying, "yeah but in name only!" like she knew exactly what she was talking about.

 

Now, I've known him half my life, and you cant just negate or re-write all these years as being empty and loveless. Every marriage or relationship has their bad times, not even their A was without it's horrible flaws.

 

He just made the mistake of having an affair to resolve our problems because he could communicate things with her he couldnt with me. He could blow off steam with her without fear of rejection. She hung on his hairy ball sack with every word. I didnt treat him like he was perfect. He was imperfect as every other man on the planet. As we all are. He thought of himself as the cats meow and she believed that about him too.

 

Anyway, he ran away from his problems instead of facing them until it brought down more problems than he could ever handle.

 

I guess that she expected him to leave me, but I left him and he came running back to me. He just didn't have that deep love for her (or any other woman) that he did for me. It wasnt easy, she made things very hard to reconcille. It took several times to get it right.

 

If he would have left me I dunno what I'd have done with myself. Ive never loved anybody as much as I have him, for as long as I have had him. I cant even imagine dating another man. I measure other men by my husband in looks, intelligence, and style. I could just see myself on a date and talk like I always do, my husband this, and my husband that. We did this or we had that. I dont know if any other man would be able to take being second to him. LOL, Check please!

 

So, I dont have those feelings for anyone other than my husband and vice versa. For me, It's really hard to shut off how much you love somebody, no matter how much they hurt you, it just makes you that much deeper involved in it to just walk away without a concern. I just had to pretend like I didnt care (and say it like I meant it) to shake up his little world he created for himself, and this is how it turned out.

[herenow]

You know, I almost didn't post, but then come on, I just had too...

 

You know technically I'm an XOW, but you know what, I'm glad I am who I am and I LIKE my life...I have a pretty normal, middle-class life for a single parent...

 

And yes, there are some crazy OW's out there, but most of us are just normal people who never intended to hurt anyone...

 

My comment was directed towards the OW in my case. I had never thought about it that way before, but the post from Ruby Tuesday (I love that song) made me realize that the choices that this particular OW has made is why her life is the way it is. Nothing I could do (if I wanted to) could be worse that what she has already done to her life.

[Tomcat33]

Ruby Tuesday that was an excellent post and I totally understand why any BS would want revenge on the OW. It's only natural they would want to "harm" her the way she "harmed" her/ and her family.

 

I was going to post something as soon as this thread was created, but I didn't because deep down I understand why any BS would be looking at any way that she can inflict some of the pain back on to the OW that she indirectly inflicted on her. And so if some BSs feel that they have some juicy info on the OW that could harm them, and it makes them feel better for knowing this and having this kind of "power" over the OW then why not? Let her have this idea if it helps her cope with the pain.

And someone said "the OW does not do it to hurt the W, most the time the W is not even part of the mental picture...as I explained in a previous post it's not until one comes off of the "in love" high that the BS takes on a human form, she becomes reality.

[Trialbyfire]

I wasn't trying to demean anyone...my apologies to anyone if that's how it came across...I am just trying to understand, like so many who come here with their questions...

Since you may remember what the primary OW was like in my situation, you might be able to understand why I chose to ensure that she understood that what can be taken deliberately, can be deliberately taken back...much, much harder. Not only did she get thrown under the bus by my ex, she ran around fessing up a subset of her sins, causing herself a lot of grief in the process. Maybe I helped her out in the long run to become a better person although this certainly wasn't the majority of my intent. I did have a tiny altruistic reason though. I was hoping it might help her next victim.

 

In hindsight, it was less about the "prize" than the alpha-female understanding between us. Hard-lining the boundaries of what I hold dear.

 

Btw, I left the duped ones alone. They were victimized as well.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Good point. The fact is, the best thing a BW can do (if both her and her H choose) is to work on their marriage and learn from the experience to make it better and stronger. To focus on revenge towards the OW gives the OW a place where she doesn't belong.

 

You brought up something that I hadn't though of. The best revenge is that the OW is who she is and has the life that she has. I can't think of anything worse that I could ever do to her. Karma is a bit*h.

 

Right on both points

 

And also it gives her the opportunity now to find the man who is right for her. She would never have what we had with my husband. She could only try to replicate my style and my good sense, but it would have been an illusion and she'd only get herself that much more hurt by it. He was only keeping her from that in life by keeping her on the hook.

 

So on the flipside, if she should find her own relationship and fell in love with him, and did all the right things like I did from the beginning, she would then be rewarded with an unending love and then everybody wins and nobody loses. That would be good karma!

[FireandIce]

I have information about the OW that would cause her entire family to disown her/shame her. She's not from this country and although I don't exactly know what she is or what religion she is, I do know that it is absolutely forbidden to have sex before marriage. I don't mean like it is her with some religions, I mean absolute shame brought down upon the family if they ever found out. Sorry but I love knowing that I could totally crush her world if I ever told. They have no idea. Her family knew about her being with him but not about the sex part. I guess her own mother told her multiple times that he would come back to me and not get too attached but she never listened. Guess mother does know best afterall.

 

Anyways, I won't use this information if she leaves us alone but so far she's done everything in her power to make my life miserable. I guess she's too stupid to realize that I already have her mother and brothers phone numbers and I won't hesitate to call them if she keeps this up. The brothers are who she is most afraid of or so she told my husband when she pleaded with him to keep everything a secret.

[herenow]

I have information about the OW that would cause her entire family to disown her/shame her. She's not from this country and although I don't exactly know what she is or what religion she is, I do know that it is absolutely forbidden to have sex before marriage. I don't mean like it is her with some religions, I mean absolute shame brought down upon the family if they ever found out. Sorry but I love knowing that I could totally crush her world if I ever told. They have no idea. Her family knew about her being with him but not about the sex part. I guess her own mother told her multiple times that he would come back to me and not get too attached but she never listened. Guess mother does know best afterall.

 

Anyways, I won't use this information if she leaves us alone but so far she's done everything in her power to make my life miserable. I guess she's too stupid to realize that I already have her mother and brothers phone numbers and I won't hesitate to call them if she keeps this up. The brothers are who she is most afraid of or so she told my husband when she pleaded with him to keep everything a secret.

 

OK, I can see how that could be a problem for the OW. I can also see using it if it's the only means of getting her out of your life. I can't see revenge just for the sake of revenge (I think krama gets you back when you do that), but if she is making your life miserable and you have no other options, what's a girl to do?

[Tomcat33]

And also it gives her the opportunity now to find the man who is right for her. She would never have what we had with my husband. She could only try to replicate my style and my good sense, but it would have been an illusion and she'd only get herself that much more hurt by it. He was only keeping her from that in life by keeping her on the hook.

 

So on the flipside, if she should find her own relationship and fell in love with him, and did all the right things like I did from the beginning, she would then be rewarded with an unending love and then everybody wins and nobody loses. That would be good karma!

 

BAhhhh c'mon let's not over do it now.....

and what do you get in return? A lying cheater who made YOU suffer, who promised to love you for better or for worse and did exactly the opposite of that for a "peice of ass" who betrayed you intimacy and trust, who now you have to babysit like a rebellious teenager who hides pot smoking from their parents. You get to take that back and work on it! PLEASE!!! THAT'S the BEST revenge? You must not think much of your own life to sacrafice your days like that! Not knowing what is true what is not, whether you'll get stabbed in the back again or not and most of all if he trully does care for you or not.

 

Sorry but if that is your idea of great revenge, getting back a lying ball of problems like these men are and making a go at a "good" marriage than you must not think that highly of yourselves to begin with.

 

The best revenge would be to GET ON with your life, dump his ass let him REGRET his mistake for the rest of his life, let him BEG you for forgiveness while you parade around with your hot new love, being strong and getting on with your life leaving all the garbage behind!

 

But a lot of you BSs are so intent on making the OW pay for the big mistake your HUSBANDS made, the GEM of a man you CHOSE to form a life with, that you neglect to see that the real prize is not in winning him back and getting on with the marriage picking up the peices HE left behind and shattered, it's in WINNING YOURSELVES BACK!

[herenow]

Right on both points

 

And also it gives her the opportunity now to find the man who is right for her. She would never have what we had with my husband. She could only try to replicate my style and my good sense, but it would have been an illusion and she'd only get herself that much more hurt by it. He was only keeping her from that in life by keeping her on the hook.

 

So on the flipside, if she should find her own relationship and fell in love with him, and did all the right things like I did from the beginning, she would then be rewarded with an unending love and then everybody wins and nobody loses. That would be good karma!

 

I can see your point, but she needs to move on and leave you alone forever in order to do that.

 

I don't wish anything bad on the OW, I just don't want anything to do with her. And, yes you are correct, if she can move on and find herself a healthy relationship, then it's a win, win situation for everyone.

[Trialbyfire]

But a lot of you BSs are so intent on making the OW pay for the big mistake your HUSBANDS made, the GEM of a man you CHOSE to form a life with, that you neglect to see that the real prize is not in winning him back and getting on with the marriage picking up the peices HE left behind and shattered, it's in WINNING YOURSELVES BACK!

You don't know me very well, do you? I won myself back and the other two lost themselves.

[Tomcat33]

Tribal

 

No I don't and that comment was not intended for anyone person in particular it was more a general thought on my part.

 

Good for you, that takes tremendous amout of strenght and self love to move on and take charge of life like that, and put the blame where the blame is due. ON HIM. A lot of BS end up rewarding their husbands with a good clean home, a warm cooked meal and love by taking them back. FORGET THAT. YOU want to go out and look for love elsewhere? GREAT that will give me a chance now to find something new for myself.

I dunnow having been on both ends (sort of) I would NEVER take him back, if you love someone you don't stab them in the back in the most horrible way possible.

[herenow]

BAhhhh c'mon let's not over do it now.....

and what do you get in return? A lying cheater who made YOU suffer, who promised to love you for better or for worse and did exactly the opposite of that for a "peice of ass" who betrayed you intimacy and trust, who now you have to babysit like a rebellious teenager who hides pot smoking from their parents. You get to take that back and work on it! PLEASE!!! THAT'S the BEST revenge? You must not think much of your own life to sacrafice your days like that! Not knowing what is true what is not, whether you'll get stabbed in the back again or not and most of all if he trully does care for you or not.

 

Sorry but if that is your idea of great revenge, getting back a lying ball of problems like these men are and making a go at a "good" marriage than you must not think that highly of yourselves to begin with.

 

The best revenge would be to GET ON with your life, dump his ass let him REGRET his mistake for the rest of his life, let him BEG you for forgiveness while you parade around with your hot new love, being strong and getting on with your life leaving all the garbage behind!

 

But a lot of you BSs are so intent on making the OW pay for the big mistake your HUSBANDS made, the GEM of a man you CHOSE to form a life with, that you neglect to see that the real prize is not in winning him back and getting on with the marriage picking up the peices HE left behind and shattered, it's in WINNING YOURSELVES BACK!

 

 

I'm not sure about Ruby Tuesday, but I know in my case, I did kick him out and he begged for another chance. Are you saying that he shouldn't have gotten a chance to make amends? Do you really think that a marriage is not worth working on when both people are willing to make changes? If a cheating husband is not worth being with, then I would have to assume that you wouldn't want to be with one either.

 

If the worth of a BW is negated by the fact that she is willing to stay and work on her marriage, what does the fact that an OW is willing to have an affair with a MM say about her worth?

 

And yes, I do believe that the best thing a BW can do is what's best for her and if that means she is willing to give her marriage another chance, then in my opinion, that is better than any revenge she could ever have on the OW.

[Trialbyfire]

TC, different people handle things different ways. If I felt that he was genuinely remorseful and had made sufficient core changes to meet my requirements, I might have kept him. I loved him that much.

 

Who knows. If in the future he becomes the man he had the potential of being, I still might take him back. Never say never, I guess.

[Freedom Now]

And I have no doubt, Trial, that you would ONLY take him back under YOUR terms. And that is as it should be.

 

Keep your power, girlfriend!

[Tomcat33]

I'm not sure about Ruby Tuesday, but I know in my case, I did kick him out and he begged for another chance. Are you saying that he shouldn't have gotten a chance to make amends? Do you really think that a marriage is not worth working on when both people are willing to make changes? If a cheating husband is not worth being with, then I would have to assume that you wouldn't want to be with one either.

 

If the worth of a BW is negated by the fact that she is willing to stay and work on her marriage, what does the fact that an OW is willing to have an affair with a MM say about her worth?

 

First off, if an OW ends up with and exMM he did not cheat on her, he cheated on his exW. So if an OW is willing to take a chance on trusting the he will never do that to her because people change (as you say), it is no different than a woman taking her husband back and giving him a second chance to prove he is a changed man. Only difference is he did not STAB the OW in the back, he DID stab the W in the back. YOU have proof he will cheat on you, the OW doesn't.

 

Unless you are a serial cheater, people cheat on people, not just for the act of cheating.

 

 

And yes, I do believe that the best thing a BW can do is what's best for her and if that means she is willing to give her marriage another chance, then in my opinion, that is better than any revenge she could ever have on the OW.

 

Another chance at what? Getting hurt again? The more I read stuff about this the more I am convinced that in some cases the BSs only want their partners back to get back that OW not because they truly really care about their partners. Which leads me to only solidify the reason couples break down to begind with, it's 50/50% those BS really didn't care about their spouses but now that they have been hurt they just want to f#$% them up.

[Trialbyfire]

You too FN. Define from within.

 

GIRL POWA!!

[Ruby Tuesday]

Hi tomkitty

 

I know you are hurting bad right now, and I'm sorry for that. I cant really argue with that logic and I can see your point coming from the other woman's point of view. LOL, We're supposed to all be natural enemies like cats and dogs but its nice to be able to just talk about things without crossing swords.

 

I guess the OW would naturally expect the marriage to end without a fight. Some BS's do cut off the cheater forever without a second look and I guess in their situation, it's fitting. Thats the promise the MM has made to her and he should not **** where he sleeps. You just have to understand that a desperate, confused man who is hurting may do some very stupid things and hurt everybody who ever loved him. It does not mean your feelings didnt count. It does count.

 

Trust me, I get some hard looks from family and friends for doing the unthinkable and taking him back again. Read = glutton for punishment. If he cheats on me agin, do you think I could ever face my family again?

 

On the other hand, there are a few of those that admire us for what we have and want a love like ours that lasts forever. I guess it is just how you look at it. Dont compare relationships to mine because our relationship is not the norm. We've made it were many others have failed. We should be divorced 1,000 times over by now, but we're as married together as two people could possibly ever be.

 

My affections for my husband is unwaivering in any storm. The affair was the perfect storm and that jeopardy (suprisingly) pushed us closer together harder than it ever tore us apart, and took us to another level of intimacy that is quite similar to the one we shared in the very beginning, like when we first started. When we were kids making out on the couch. We have been "hysterical bonding" since 2005 I hope it just never wears off.

 

 

I love him unconditionally. I was here before she came along, and I'll still be here long after she is gone. In my case, I would have rather had an honorable man who never cheated, but I'll accept him as a honorable man who was given a second chance, one who will (God willing) never cheat on me again. He can honor me by showing me he's got the right stuff to make this right by me. He can earn that back. Everybody deserves another chance if their intentions are well meaning.

 

Honestly, I could never have healed over this if we just signed the divorce papers and split up our family. His coming back to me filled that hole inside. Gotta give the guy a little credit for that. He didnt break his vows if he's still here with me. He just got lost for awhile, but he saved me when I got lost. He picked me up and carried me home.

 

What was I gonna do, say no? Nevermind you! I'll just lay here and die? LOL

[Tomcat33]

TC, different people handle things different ways. If I felt that he was genuinely remorseful and had made sufficient core changes to meet my requirements, I might have kept him. I loved him that much.

 

Who knows. If in the future he becomes the man he had the potential of being, I still might take him back. Never say never, I guess.

 

That is very true TF, every case is a case if its own. Every person is a world of its own comprised of its own set of rules, morals, threshholds, life expecations and needs.

 

For the purpose of this thread the topic that was proposed, which was the revenge of the BS in knowing some secrets that could possibly damage the OW, as I said before if it helps her/him get over the betrayal feeling like they too have something to ruin the OW that's fine by me. I also understand the anger, all the emotions that an affair promotes in the BS, but I also wonder if in some cases the BS simply wants the H/W back to punish the OW and the WS and not because they truly want to have them back. So they don't really love their partner they just want revenge for getting hurt. And isn't that what pushed the WS away in the first place? The lack of love?

 

May I ask why didn't you take him back as of yet but would entertain doing so in future?

[herenow]

First off, if an OW ends up with and exMM he did not cheat on her, he cheated on his exW. So if an OW is willing to take a chance on trusting the he will never do that to her because people change (as you say), it is no different than a woman taking her husband back and giving him a second chance to prove he is a changed man. Only difference is he did not STAB the OW in the back, he DID stab the W in the back. YOU have proof he will cheat on you, the OW doesn't.

 

Unless you are a serial cheater, people cheat on people, not just for the act of cheating.

 

 

And yes, I do believe that the best thing a BW can do is what's best for her and if that means she is willing to give her marriage another chance, then in my opinion, that is better than any revenge she could ever have on the OW.

 

Another chance at what? Getting hurt again? The more I read stuff about this the more I am convinced that in some cases the BSs only want their partners back to get back that OW not because they truly really care about their partners. Which leads me to only solidify the reason couples break down to begind with, it's 50/50% those BS really didn't care about their spouses but now that they have been hurt they just want to f#$% them up.

 

I'm willing to take that chance because I truly believe that he made a mistake and both of us have realized and taken responsibility for our parts in what was wrong in our marriage. We are both willing to make changes to make sure we never cross this road again. If I'm wrong, then I only have myself to blame.

 

It doesn't and never had anything to do with the OW. She is irrelevant and I have no intention of "getting back" at her. My energy is better spent on my husband and our marriage. My life is not defined by what the OW did and how I can get revenge on her. She is nothing to me but the person my husband choose to get his fix from when he should have come to me. He didn't come to me with his problems and that was HIS mistake.

 

And BTW, an OW does have proof that the MM is a cheater by the fact that he cheats on his wife. Isn't that proof enough of what he is capable of? I will never again take my marriage for granted, I'm not that ignorant anymore. However, I won't let paranoia rule my life. I love my husband and he loves me and I love our life together. It's worth taking a chance.

[Trialbyfire]

That is very true TF, every case is a case if its own. Every person is a world of its own comprised of its own set of rules, morals, threshholds, life expecations and needs.

 

For the purpose of this thread the topic that was proposed, which was the revenge of the BS in knowing some secrets that could possibly damage the OW, as I said before if it helps her/him get over the betrayal feeling like they too have something to ruin the OW that's fine by me. I also understand the anger, all the emotions that an affair promotes in the BS, but I also wonder if in some cases the BS simply wants the H/W back to punish the OW and the WS and not because they truly want to have them back. So they don't really love their partner they just want revenge for getting hurt. And isn't that what pushed the WS away in the first place? The lack of love?

 

May I ask why didn't you take him back as of yet but would entertain doing so in future?

I'm sure some do, although it's never that simple. I'm guessing there's still the strong love and marital bond involved too.

 

I don't feel that he has changed sufficiently to meet all my needs and I'm not convinced the changes I've seen are lasting changes. He's a narcissist so you can understand how core these changes would have to be.

 

I have seen some evolution though, in that he's starting to appreciate those around him more by putting more effort towards those relationships.

 

This is what causes me to rethink the hardline attitude I had, although he's still got a long way to go. Consider me a bitch that way by not helping him but I do feel that this is a journey he has to make by himself. He needs to want to change for his own good.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

but I also wonder if in some cases the BS simply wants the H/W back to punish the OW and the WS and not because they truly want to have them back.

 

That's like a theif saying that the owner wants there property back to punish me! :lmao: :lmao: Good God, TomCat, even if you believe that I can't fathom that you would admit to it! :lmao: Please, please tell me this some type of sick humor or a typo atleast. Keep on pondering that along with your other delusions of entitlement.