Terminally Confused Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Hi, I've somehow managed to get myself involved in a situation and I hoped to maybe get a few views on this. I live in the UK and I met a girl from the States a few months ago online. We chatted on line for a while and then quickly stepped up to speaking on the phone. It had reached the point when we were speaking every day (sometimes several hours) and had declared our love for each other. The plan for some time now has been to meet up - she wants to come here for a visit. Then if everything still goes just as swimmingly in person as it is doing on the phone, to eventually be together. Anyway, for one reason or another I haven't been able to speak to her for the last week. This, as it tends to do with me, gave me a lot of thinking time, so when we eventually spoke (this morning) I brought up the "where are we now?" conversation. The response I got was that she was confident that if we could be together then we would be a couple and we would be happy. She also said, though, that whilst we can't be together then we shouldn't be burdened with any commitment issues and that we should see other people if we want to... The other proviso is that when she does eventually visit then I'll need to get rid of whoever I'm seeing. So, I didn't disagree with what she was saying. The last thing I want is for her to put her life on hold for me when neither of us can have any idea whether this will work out. After all, I want her to be happy above all else. I did say, though, that I won't be seeing anyone else, but purely because even if I wanted to my heart can't be in two places at once and other girls right now aren't even attractive to me... Also stressing that I had no expectations that she should think the same way. So that's the surface of it. Under the surface, however, I've fallen head over heels for this girl. Whilst the sentiment in the previous paragraph remains true and I stand by it, I would also be crushed to know that she is seeing someone else. I don't particularly want to have to tell her that it's a problem - I don't want to put any undue pressure on the relationship, plus I really don't feel like I have the right to dictate to her what she should and shouldn't do. Does it seem strange to anyone else though that someone's feelings can be so strong that they're willing to save up enough money to fly 6000 miles to be with that person... and yet they can also be thinking that they don't want to commit to anything?... I don't know, maybe that's my own failings which stop me from being able to understand properly. I feel like I can cope with the long distance thing fine and just wait for the time that we can be together and I have no thoughts at all about ending it or anything like that, but I'm just worried now that it's gonna end up playing on my mind an awful lot... thinking about whether or not she's seeing other people... what it means if she is doing. So if anyone has any ideas on what I should do or what I should be expecting from her, please let me know. I would be most grateful. I may well end up telling her all these thoughts anyway because up until now I've always been as honest with her as I can about what I'm thinking.
bella_girl Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Does it seem strange to anyone else though that someone's feelings can be so strong that they're willing to save up enough money to fly 6000 miles to be with that person... and yet they can also be thinking that they don't want to commit to anything?... I don't know, maybe that's my own failings which stop me from being able to understand properly. Hi TC - no it doesn't seem strange to me and here is why... You guys don't know each other (in person) and its quite a lot of pressure to put on a relationship to think that when you do meet that it will be a wonderful fairytale and you'll be in love. You might be but you might also not. A friend of mine in Australian (i'm in UK) and I have been flirting for a while now and trying to convince the other to come and visit the other. That said I'm not sure it would work between us and its quite scary to think 'dating' him. You don't want to feel like you 'have to be together' because of what has been building up between you and that you have an expectation of it being great. So I'd be willing to fly 6000miles to see him but I'd still be scared of commiting to anything because I wouldn't want to put too much pressure on myself, him or the relationship that it 'has to work' because I just flew 6000miles to see him. Does that make sense? However... you did say that you're head over heels with this girl and she might be saying the whole 'we can see other people' thing because she's not sure exactly how you feel and doesn't want to dictate your life, just like you don't want to do to her. So it seems to me that one of you needs to take the step to say 'I want to meet you, regardless of costs and with the idea that we'd be together and not seeing anyone else' basically and that it needs to take place soonish. Otherwise one of you might meet someone else and heck there's no time like the present to pull out those big romanatic gestures. Plus you don't seem to have a date in sight of when you might meet - she might come over at some stage? You really need like 'She'll come over in Sept' or I've decided to get one those cheap flights to America and go in July.. its a more manageable time scale. Good luck, I'd say tell her how you feel and book yourself one of those cheap flights and just go.
catrocks Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Like you said, why would someone take the time and effort (and cost!) to come visit you 6000 miles away if they were not into the relationship? It is possible that she is doing the same kind of thing as you - trying not to put too much pressure on the relationship too early. Has she actually told you she's seeing other people? Maybe she said that you both should continue to date other people because she thought that's what you would want? I don't believe that there is any point in a non-exclusive long distance relationship - there was a post about that on here recently and a lot of people said that - if you are seeing other people, then the distance makes you just friends. I think you should definitely have her come stay with you so you can meet in person, and then while she's here you can talk to her and say that if the two of you are going to be in a long distance relationship properly then you want it to be exclusive. If she is making the effort to come see you then chances are she wants to be with you too Where in the States does she live? Must be the west coast? 6000 miles is a long way - my man lives in Ohio and we are 3000-something miles apart. Anyways good luck
Author Terminally Confused Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Thanks so much for your responses Bella Girl and Catrocks. The idea of not wanting to put a lot of pressure on the relationship makes sense. In the early stages it was me who was saying let's not put too much pressure on it and just live in the moment... see what happens, don't think about the future, etc. When you say though, BG, that maybe she thinks that is what I want then it could well be true, but somehow doesn't sit quite right. I instigated the conversation this morning and got her to answer first so I guess, given that, I can understand her reaction. My response then might have given mixed messages I suppose. I said I didn't expect any commitment from her either, but I also said that I wouldn't be seeing other people. Maybe I confused her into not taking it any further... save for telling me how cute I was struggling to explain myself! CR, with regard to seeing other people, no she specifically said that she isn't seeing anyone right now, but left me with the feeling that maybe she would want to. Let me clarify the meeting up thing... Ok, it was her idea originally. For a couple of weeks we talked about it as if we were joking. One day I said something like "if only you weren't joking" and she told me straight away that she was dead serious and was coming to visit me. I have also offered to visit her, but she's tried to dissuade me from doing this (at least in the first instance). She is dead set on coming here. Finances, however, are a big problem. Right now she's not working and has no money. She is desparately trying to get a job and tells me the only reason she wants a job is so that she can save up to come see me. This is why no specific date has been set - she thinks it will take "a few months" from when she has a job. I, too, can't afford the trip right now. I'd be able to save up for it within two or three months from now, (which I'll probably save for anyway), but as I say she wants to come here first... In my mind I have roughly August pencilled in, but it depends on circumstances. We've both definitely taken the step to say we are going to meet BG. We say we love each other every time we speak and even joke around about growing old together. I agree, CR, that if we do meet and it is all great and we do want to be together, then I will definitely have to insist on exclusivity from that point. She lives in California. 6000 miles is off the top of my head, but I think it's around that... maybe a bit less.
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