prettybunnies Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Is there a problem with me. I just want to know from other people that do not know me. My problem is about guys I like. Everytime I like a guy, I get so shy that I ignore them. I don't look at them. I don't give them any clue that I like them. If they ask something, I give them answers, but that is all it. If a guy seems interested in me i get so nervous that I really ignore them. Is this why that I never have a boyfriend? I'm turning 21 yrs. old, never had experience with guys. Do you guys think that I need a psychological help? What do you guys think?
melodymatters Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Nah, you just need age and experience. As they say in AA ( alchoholics anon, not a member but been there with people I've loved) TIME TAKES TIME. I was the same way in my youth, and it took yrs of growing into my own skin. Hopefully the fact that you recognize your tendency gives you a heads up. So, do an experiement. before you go out, accept the fact that you will not find the love of your life tonight, it's just another night that you are lucky enough to be alive, not in a wheel chair, breathing air.Then set about having as much fun, as you want or can, not worrying about ANYONE but yourself. Once you take the " pressure off", everything will come naturally. I'm currently 40, still cute as hell, and have no interest in a BF right now, and I practically have to take the phone off the hook to be left alone by men of all ages. I guarentee I was " hotter" at 21, but now that I am so comfortable with ME, and don't really need or want anyone, I can't get rid of em ! Try it !
Poboy Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 no offence melodymatters but you want her to be like you ? maybe she wants to act now on her issue and try to improve of her shyness and nervousness ...21 and going through this, you must seek means to solve this issue ... be it from a forum , family , friends or a counsellor whoever makes the difference.
melodymatters Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 No offense taken ! But she's not presenting with deep seated psychological issues, just shyness, a bit of insecurity, and getting in her own way with guys she likes. I NEVER say never to counseling, but I'm more of a behavior modification type person, and i think if she changes her mindset a bit, and free's herself up, it might go quicker than a long analyzation of what mommy or daddy did when she was seven.. believe me, tried many ways, and chucking it all to the wind and trying to be "melody", with no fear, worked the best ! cheers !
luvtoto Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I'm currently 40, still cute as hell, haha! I agree!!
sweetscarlet Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I was the same way. Counseling might help but it might not. If you feel you want to talk to someone about it, then you should. But I wouldn't go to one expecting them to "fix" you. That's not what it's about. It could be just that you're not ready for a relationship. Just because society says that we should all date at a certain time doesn't mean all of us are ready to. At your age there is a lot of pressure to be in a relationship and so it makes it hard to deal with. It's actually better as you get older because then it's not a big deal if you're dating or not. In fact, when you're older the married people are jealous of you because you're single. lol So, whether you're ready or not to have a relationship, you're feeling a LOT of pressure from society to do so. And in some ways you might want a relationship but in other ways you're not really ready to. I would start out by just learning to talk to people as if they were all the same. If there's a guy that you like, consider him just a guy...nothing else. Don't fantasize about him or idealize him. Imagine him doing something really stupid or not so attractive. Just talk to him normally like you would anyone else---with no intention of dating. And talk to others as well. Right now you need to desensitize yourself to this aura you've placed around the people whom you're attracted to. You put them on a pedestal and become afraid of them. We're really all just "people".
DanielMadr Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I think its pretty common. No big deal. You shouldnt stress yourself about it. Step by step learn how not to be shy, dont rush it.
DanielMadr Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Can you enable "receiving private messages", please. Id like to send you some useful links. Last time I tried to post a link to this site it was banned....I have no clue why.
DanielMadr Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Shyness is quite a problem when a guy is shy, so this advice is for guys but you can learn from it....Shyguy wrote:1. Meander around a busy public place for an hour or two so you get used to being around people. 2. Practice smiling and making eye contact to nonverbally connect with people who seem nice and interesting to you. (No touching, just look & smile.) 3. Decide to chat with one new person a week. It can be in the store, school cafe, the bank. Nothing breeds success like success. 4. Act "as if." If everyone waited until they were totally comfortable before trying anything new, no one would do anything new! Pretend you're not shy and act "as if" you're full of confidence. 5. Calm yourself by telling yourself over n over again that you're safe, and everything's going to be okay. Say it aloud in private and in your head in public as often as necessary. 6. Identify the worst case scenario. What's the most hideous thing that could happen if you walk up to someone you liked and said, "hi"? Putting a face on your fear helps reduce it to manageable size. For example, the worst thing that might happen is the person turns around and walks away. Yeah, rejection hurts, but you're not going to die from it. And acceptance feels great, and you'll never experience it if you don't take a chance. 7. Have fun! Shift the focus away from you own fears and zero in on what makes someone else tick. Before you know it, you'll forget all about being shy. Do the easy stuff first.
DanielMadr Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 aND ANOTHER ONE: Overcoming Shyness: Developing More Ease in Social Situations by Stefan Gonick, Psychotherapist The first thing to know if you are suffering from shyness is that you are not alone. In fact, the majority of people report feeling shy in social situations (even if it doesn't look that way to others). Shyness is a very internal experience and is not necessarily that visible to the outside world. In fact, shyness is often mistaken for coldness, aloofness or "snootiness" by other people. You are probably surrounded by shy people all of the time without realizing it. Just knowing this can help reduce our feelings of isolation and shyness a bit. So, let's say that you are at a party and would like to meet that cute guy or gal but are feeling very shy about taking action. Or maybe you would just like to be more friendly at this party in general. What can you do? Ways to Reduce Shyness One way to ease your general feelings of shyness at a party is to look around for someone who seems to be even more shy than you and go talk to that person. Approaching someone who seems more shy will help you feel more confident and less alone. You can talk about your common feelings of discomfort in social situations and feel support. After this successful experience you will probably feel ready to branch out and talk to more people. At the least you may have found a new friend. Now, let's say that you want to approach someone that you find attractive. This is a more challenging situation. When we are feeling shy, our attention is turned inward. We are preoccupied with fears of being judged by other people. This is very inhibiting and makes us feel and act awkward. One way to deal with this is to turn our attention outward. We do this by focusing on what we like about the other person. Imagine saying positive, appreciative things to that person, like "I like your smile" or "I like how alive you seem" or whatever it is that makes the person appealing to you. Then, feel and say these appreciations to the person in your head as you approach him or her. You will be coming towards that person with the positive energy of appreciation rather than the energy of fear. This will help you feel more at ease and you will feel better to the other person. This technique can be quite helpful. My last recommendation is practice. The more you try these techniques, the more comfortable you will become. Read the how-to guide called, "How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection: The Successful Rejection Experience" for an amusing story about intentionally getting rejected to reduce our fear of it. As with everything else, practice makes perfect. Remember, you are not alone. Most of us feel shy in social situations. Practice these techniques, and you will meet more people in general and, hopefully, that special someone. Shy people of the world unite! hope it helps
dropdeadlegs Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Many people have trouble overcoming shyness. Maybe even admitting that you are shy or nervous would actually help to break the ice. At least the guy that's talking to you wouldn't feel that you are necessarily rejecting him, but are simply feeling a bit awkward or uncomfortable. He might try a little harder and be more patient. Is this something that just happens with guys, or do have social anxiety in most situations, whether it be a group of girls or at a party? I'm not shy at all and can pretty much talk to anyone about anything, but I'm still going to suggest faking it until you can believe it yourself. Watch people that don't appear shy at all, and see how they interact with others. Shyness stems from fear, so ask yourself exactly what you are afraid of. Afraid of rejection? Afraid you are boring? Afraid guys all want sex? Facing fears is hard to do, so when you handle a situation better, give yourself a lot of credit for each baby step that you make. The internet is chock full of information and advice. Read as much as you can and put just one suggestion into play every time you meet someone new, and build from there. It will eventually come more easily. Listen to the questions guys are asking you, and ask some questions back. People generally like to talk about themselves, and listening might take the pressure off of talking so much. Good luck, sweetie. It can take time to get comfortable in one's own skin, but I think you will be all right. I seriously doubt that guys think you need psychological help, but a few sessions with a counselor might help you. If you specifically state that you are looking to overcome this shyness, maybe you won't have to dwell on your entire childhood, etc.
DanielMadr Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Afraid guys all want sex? Can someone switch this cliche demagogism off, please?!? Seriously anyone? Its like 'Afraid girls all want money?'
dropdeadlegs Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Can someone switch this cliche demagogism off, please?!? Seriously anyone? Its like 'Afraid girls all want money?' I'm sorry I offended you with that phrase, Daniel. I don't believe that guys all want sex, but an inexperienced 20 year old girl might be harboring that fear. Lack of having a boyfriend tells me that she's had no sexual experience and that can be fearful to face the first time. It was a question I feel was appropriate in order to get to the bottom of the underlying fear that is causing her shyness. It was not at all meant as a cliche' statement of truth.
kdark Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Good luck, sweetie. It can take time to get comfortable in one's own skin, but I think you will be all right. I seriously doubt that guys think you need psychological help, but a few sessions with a counselor might help you. If you specifically state that you are looking to overcome this shyness, maybe you won't have to dwell on your entire childhood, etc. Dwell on your entire childhood? You are speaking of the Freudian Psycho-Analytical approach to counseling, something that has evolved and changed into much more effective forms, like gestault, solution oriented (Dr. Phil's style), and many others. Their is a big difference between seeing a counselor and seeing a psychiatrist. You probably don't have a psychological disorder, you just need some help kick starting you out of your shyness. I have a lot of faith in the counseling process, and I think it would help if you tried it out and see what it feels like. If you are in college, most colleges have free counseling available to all students.
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