Zapbasket Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Several responses on this site have alluded to the guilt the dumper likely feels for ending the relationship--that while the dumper does not want to continue in a relationship that no longer 'works' from his or her point of view, he/she also doesn't want to hurt their partner. But what if the manner of the breakup clearly WAS intended to hurt? My ex blamed me for everything, denigrated the whole relationship with nary a word about any of the good times, cleared his apartment of any remnant of me including some stuffed animals I'd given him that were very symbolic during our relationship (he gave all the stuff back to me), said he never wanted to see me again, and capped it all off with a letter in which he took great pains to sever any possible thread of connection he thought I could conjure up (no obligation to discuss things with you, no longer your best friend so you can't count on me for support, don't want a relationship with you, stop contacting me). I don't know what I'm asking, really. I guess this post is just another way I'm desperately trying to cope with the discovery that clearly to this person I was expendable, and that people can be in relationship with someone for 5 years and feel no obligation to end things kindly and respectfully. Any thoughts, comments, etc. welcome. I hurt.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 It sounds like he had probably checked out emotionally long before he actually broke up with you. I expect he let his feelings go over time, but stayed with you out of guilt and denial of the loss of his own feelings. The longer you stay in a relationship under these conditions, the more likely it is that the denial clears, and the guilt turns first to resentment (it makes little sense, but a dumper will often find him/herself unable to actually make the break and ends up resenting the dumpee for something that they themselves don't have the balls to do), then to anger. Simply put, he stayed in the relationship far, far past its expiration date and instead of backing out when he had a shred of feeling for you, he waited until he lost his feelings entirely - and waited even longer while those feelings curdled into anger and resentment. When you are in a situation where you are constantly exposed to something that makes you that angry and resentful, the last thing you want is any chance whatsoever that you may have to revisit that situation. He was making sure that he would never have to interact with you again. The thing to understand here is that it isn't anything you did - his hateful behavior is aimed at you, because it is always easier to hate someone else for something that you yourself cannot accomplish or handle.
polywog Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Good Post, LB. I just wanted to chime in to say that I feel your pained heart, Greencove. My ex, in hindsight, did similar things. I believe that he wanted out for a while before the break up. He did some really crappy things before he had the guts to break it off, probably hoping that I'd end it first. This was not an easy thing for me to want to do because of fears of having to move out of my beloved home, I just kept wishing that it would stop and he'd be nice again, as this had happened when we had troubles in the past. Chances are, he (my ex) met the woman he is seeing now and that spurred the break up. Hang in there, you'll get through this... I know I am, slowly, getting through mine.
Author Zapbasket Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Polywog and LB, you're probably right. It's really hard for me as near the end he took both my hands and told me he wanted to be with me forever, that I was this beautiful person. and then BAM! Then, he leaves having heaped all this blame on me, and so I can't help feeling like it IS all my fault, like I have issues and I'm a terrible girlfriend and on top of it all, a fool for not recognizing that the relationship was untenable, as he apparently recognized. From my perspective, we were merely going through a very rough patch and I had 100% faith that everything was going to work out. So does that make me an ass, or what?
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