prism23 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Hi guys, Last summer (July 2006) my boyfriend of 1.5 years suddenly broke up with me (citing the need for freedom, not sure what he wanted, etc. We went through a hell of a patch (or at least I did) for the next two months, and we got back together mid-September, with him telling me he still cared about me and wanted to try to work things out. We had a lot of issues at first and things were rocky, however we addressed the main issues (there was kinda an underlying trend in all our fights) and now we practically NEVER fight & things have been going GREAT since December. Things are pretty much back to how they were prior to the breakup, etc. Things are fantastic, actually probably better than ever. HOWEVER... we are both graduating university this year (as in, a few days) and I am a little nervous about the future. He is moving to a major city on his own (he currently lives at home), and I am moving home to my parents to commute to grad school. Coincidently, I am only 40 minutes from the city he is moving to, and my grad school is literally 10 minutes from his place. This is a total coincidence as he inherited a house (where hes living) and I had chosen my school before he knew that he got the house. Anyways... the future. Whenever I bring it up with him, he freaks out and says he doesn't want to talk about the future, how things are going, etc. I've tried to bring it up a few times before since we got back together and he always flips out. I don't want him to commit to me (ie. moving in, engagement, or anything) - I would just like some reassurance that he is in it whole-heartedly and wants to make it work. However, when I asked if he thought we'd be together in Sept. still, he refused to answer. When I tried if he "hoped" we would be, he still refused to answer. He then got frustrated and said, "I told you I don't want to talk about the future, anything can happen." He also refused to tell me if things were going well, asking "Well what do YOU think?" I obv. think they are, but I was looking for reassurance he does too. Oddly enough, he has no problems making plans for the future (ie. soccer game we got tickets for in August, or even just saying "hey! we need to go to x place this summer"), and even some dates farther away than September (he wanted me to go to a Nov. concert with him, but I couldn't bc I don't know my class schedule yet) I just can't figure out why he doesn't want to have a conversation about this sort of thing (ie. where we'll be in 3 months); but will (on his own accord) talk about and make plans that would be occurring 4 months from now. He's also even made the odd comment about how in a few years when he has his own business i could do x or y for the business (based on my major/grad school program), etc. Is he afraid that by talking about it, he is making a commitment? Could he be commitment-phobic? Maybe it;s just because I've lived on my own for 4 years while at school, yet he is still at home and hasn't 'experienced' things on his own yet - he is a VERY independent person and his big dream is to buy his own house, lol. Also, I am thinking maybe he is scared that we are both graduating and feels like he needs to make a more serious commitment, but honestly, I am not ready for one! I can see myself with him long term, but he always says he's not sure if he sees himself with me... but he wants to be with me in the end. Contradiction right there kinda. And also the whole won't talk about the future directly but will make plans about the future thing is driving me nuts. What gives?? Thanks, P. (btw- Sorry for the length, but I wanted to try and get all the details in )
windchimes Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Is he clear that he is your BF? Does he admit or imply that you two are exclusive? If so, I'm not sure what good it does to try to get him to say that he sees himself with you in September. If he does NOT seem to be willing to discuss exclusivity and he is saying, as you said, that he isn't sure he sees himself with you in the future...then you might have an issue. Whether he is phobic or not is hard to say. You are both so young. Committment phobics are more obvious when they're much older because they have a pattern behind them. I've dated a phobic....we were together for 4 years. He is 43 and has never been married. He really did love me....but he just couldn't commit. I could see that it deeply troubled him to be that way. He was like a scared puppy when the discussion surfaced. When I'd threaten to leave him, he'd literally beg me not to. Maybe you should give your BF some space.....date others, be unavailable sometimes, get involved in something in your community that takes your time. Guys love the hunt....it excites them. You don't have to disrespect the relationship....just give him something to chase after. Maybe he needs to feel the panic of possibly losing you to realize how much he really cares.....and, if he doesn't care, that'll surface for you. I've dated a couple of really great "catches"....guys who can have anyone and they know it. When I was most into them, they acted kind of "cool", like they had the upper hand and they knew it. Of course, I got tired of that and moved on. What happens? They start begging and blowing up my cell phone....and I mean, this goes on for years! One guy calls me about once a month leaving begging messages on my phone after we haven't dated in 4 years. This is the same guy who dumped me and acted like he couldn't have cared less when I was in tears. I always let every call from him go to VM and never return his calls. He just keeps calling!! The more I ignore them, the more they turn up the heat on me. (I'm not playing games, I've really moved on and am not interested now). It really makes me sad because it is totally contradictive to a healthy relationship (everbody wanting what eludes them). But, human nature rules! It sounds like your guy is giving you more than signals. He's outright telling you that he isn't sure what he wants. Don't panic. Don't react. I think he sounds like a good guy - he's being honest with you.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 how old are u and ur bf..my guess is young if ur both still at college. anyway i know how u feel my bf does the same thing about "the future". however he makes plans for the future similar to what urs does. i actually asked my bf what the deal was and he told me that he wanted to take things one step at a time and didnt want to make any huge plans. it might be upsetting him and he may feel pressured when u try to get him to talk about it. i know what ur going through and its frustrating. if ur bfs young he still may fear losing independence, esp. since thats the reason he broke up with u the first time. he may be torn between his feelings for u, and not wanting to get tied down. tell him u understand and take things one day at a time. i know its hard, women tend to want to know where their relationship is going and men like to live in the moment. i guess when he's ready to talk about it he will.
corazoncito Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I just can't figure out why he doesn't want to have a conversation about this sort of thing (ie. where we'll be in 3 months); but will (on his own accord) talk about and make plans that would be occurring 4 months from now. I think he likes the idea of being with you long-term, especially because it's familiar, but honestly isn't 100% sure that's what he wants (isn't committed to that potential future). Is he afraid that by talking about it, he is making a commitment? Could he be commitment-phobic? I think that you may be right that he's afraid that by talking about it, it's an implied commitment. He may be afraid if he decides in the end it's not what he wants, you may throw it back in his face ("You said you wanted to be with me long-term a year ago, but now you want to break up? Were you lying to me then?") He's awfully young to be commitment phobic. I mean, that may be true, but many men and women his age are not ready to commit to one relationship. That doesn't mean they won't be someday in the future. Also, I am thinking maybe he is scared that we are both graduating and feels like he needs to make a more serious commitment, but honestly, I am not ready for one! Ok, so if you are not ready for a commitment, why are you asking him "where is this going"? Why can't you just let things happen naturally? It sounds like he is into the idea of being with you since he is planning events in the same time frame you are wondering about. Saying that you aren't ready for a commitment, but only if you know that you're going to be together in the end is a pretty big contradiction itself.
ls3360 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Keep in mind that we all aren't rock steady. Sometimes we look forward to the future with this person we're with. Other times we see challenges and want to be cautious. Often the former is with our heart and the latter is with our head. And if you ask a question, often it will be the cautious head replying.
norajane Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 He's fine with making plans for concerts and whatnot because HE brings them up and he knows he's ONLY making plans for a concert - not a lifetime together. And he knows that "anything can happen" and just because he might mention doing something in the far future like you doing something for his business, doesn't mean he's committing to it at all. However, when YOU mention the future, he knows you are talking about commitment and it's not just an idle, "oh we should do that next summer." He knows you are serious about it, and he knows he can't be. That's why it upsets him when you bring up the future. It's not the same as when he brings it up. Last summer (July 2006) my boyfriend of 1.5 years suddenly broke up with me (citing the need for freedom, not sure what he wanted, etc. We went through a hell of a patch (or at least I did) for the next two months, and we got back together mid-September, with him telling me he still cared about me and wanted to try to work things out. We had a lot of issues at first and things were rocky, however we addressed the main issues (there was kinda an underlying trend in all our fights. How did you address his issues - his need for freedom and not being sure what he wanted? Did he suddenly not want his 'freedom' and was he suddenly sure what he wanted? It doesn't sound like that's the case. There's no way you could have addressed those issues unless he became sure that he wanted to commit to you and didn't feel that commitment would mean losing his freedom. OR unless you told him that you weren't worried about the future - but if you told him that to get him to stay with you, you were not being honest, so the issues are still there. That's what I see, anyway. He still wants his freedom - that's why he is reluctant to talk about the future and commitment. He still isn't sure about what he wants - that's why he can suggest doing something next summer, but can't discuss how he actually feels right now. You still want a commitment - that's why you keep bringing up the future. You are anxious about whether he truly wants to be with you - that's why it's upsetting when he refuses to even tell you if things are going well between you. This does not mean he is commitment phobic. He is very young - college age guys are rarely ready to make a lifetime commitment at that age. It means he is not ready to make a commitment and he is not sure he can make a commitment to YOU. Go to grad school. Enjoy yourself and keep an eye out for any young men whom you might like. I don't know that you should put all your faith in this guy.
Author prism23 Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Hi guys, Thanks for the advice and opinions! Perhaps 'commitment phobic' was the wrong way to describe this situation, but I couldn't think of another way to summarize it for the thread topic. "Boyfriend doesn't like to talk about the future 3 moths from now but will make plans 5 months from now" seemed a bit too long To clarify a few things/answer a few questions - We are both 22, and have completed 4 years of University. It is established that we're exclusive. The main issues we had post-getting back together involved a coworker he was VERY close with while we were apart (at first, when we broke up, I blamed her) and I had issues with her, but I got over it/past it, me not hanging out with his family/mom enough (I tried to go over there more - and things are great there now, his mom adores me), and his "freedom" issue (kinda) - he has more boys nights out, and I go out with my girls more. If he doesn't want to hang out or see me, I don't get upset anymore (I used to, but that was mainly because he had a bad habit of CANCELLING plans because he felt bad saying no if he wasn't sure what he was doing that night, so he would make them and cancel. now, he says no and i say "ok!") corazoncito -- When I said I was not ready for a commitment, I mean moving in together or engagement/marriage - I want to be done school and financially stable before I even THINK about anything like that seriously. However, that doesn't mean that I don't want/hope it to be with him in 3 or 4 years when I am ready. I guess I am kind of contradictory, heh. NoraJane -- His issue we addressed was mainly me going to his house, but we did address the freedom one as well - or I am trying to, and it seems to be going well. I try to be understanding when he changes plans on me (he tries not to), and for the most part he is able to do what he wants when he wants... we don't really make any concerte plans to do anything unless we are going to be buying tickets to a show or something... I like to plan things in advance (ie. "lets go to the movies friday") and he is more spontanious kind of person, so unless it's an event (ie. my work's awards dinner, a concert, etc) that we need to plan for in advance I try to make plans more day-off/right before we do it... which seems to be working, as he can make other plans, say no, etc whereas he felt too committed before when we would make plans for say, thursday and sunday nights well in advance. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I am anxious - I think I am still insecure in our relationship after the break up; because I honestly really didn't see it coming and it took me by complete surprise; so I am constantly worried and anxious that he is thinking that again and keeping it from me. I think in the back of his head too he questions whether getting back together was right... because whenever we DO fight (which is very rare, but its happened a few times since we got back in September) he always says things like "this is what I'm talking about, I hate this" or "I told you I couldn't talk about this/fight/deal with this if we got back together" which leads me to believe he is going to axe it - it makes it very hard for me to enjoy the good times sometimes because I really do care about him alot. Anyways... thanks!! I forget how young we really are sometimes; it doesn't help that quite a few of my friends are all moving in with SO's, getting engaged, etc - I think that spooks him (and probably me!) a bit too. I guess maybe I won't take him to my friend from HS's wedding this summer (who's a year younger than me!), haha. P.
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