JJman Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 So I met this girl at back in December(while she was in a relationship) and became close friends. She just got out of a more than 5 year relationship with a guy. A couple days later she insists that we should hook up. I like her so I guess I thought i give it a try. We are happy but alot of my friends are saying that what we are doing is wrong....but oh well. Am i a rebound guy right now? Also after this semester shes going back to Florida(her EX bf lives in her town). Im going back to seattle. You guys think this will work?? She says she wont do anything dumb with her EX and she said she stay loyal. I guess i think i can trust her. Im still feeling nervous and cant trust her 100%. What do you guys think? You guys think shes with me becasue im giving her the emotional needs and friendship? Actually come to think of it she only hangs out with me and not that many other people. :confused:
Guest Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Sounds like maybe she was already over her ex before she broke it off. You maybe a rebound guy. Im not so sure. Do you know if she still has feeling for her ex? If she does, which most likely she will, im not sure if this may work. it might.
Author JJman Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Please someone give me their opinion. I dont think itll be worth it if it wont work and i dont want anyone to get a broken heart in the end. Please someone give your input.
oppath Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 What were the circumstances of her breakup? Did she dump him? Was the romance gone for a while?How long have you technically been dating?Are your moving plans permanent or temporary? No, I don't think it will work out for a combination of things, but there is a chance. You are not necessarily a rebound; we often label ourselves as rebounds when we are dumped by someone just out of a relationship. The defining thing is usually if the other person pursues you fairly strong at the beginning and pushes the seriousness of the relationship, as if it is some kind of fantasy romance so soon. That is always a red flag, and especially after a LTR!
Author JJman Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 What were the circumstances of her breakup? Did she dump him? Was the romance gone for a while?How long have you technically been dating?Are your moving plans permanent or temporary?No, I don't think it will work out for a combination of things, but there is a chance. You are not necessarily a rebound; we often label ourselves as rebounds when we are dumped by someone just out of a relationship. The defining thing is usually if the other person pursues you fairly strong at the beginning and pushes the seriousness of the relationship, as if it is some kind of fantasy romance so soon. That is always a red flag, and especially after a LTR! 1. She broke it off with her ex. Im not sure the reason but she said that she just waited for him for a long time to be the man she wanted him to be. The thing is today I found out she still has some feelings for him. its not totally gone. Also found out she still misses him from time to time. I can understand becasue she was in a relationship for a long time. 2. We have been togather for about a month. 3. Its only for summer break. Ill see her back on campus end of August. For some reason I feel that shes with my only for the emotional attachment. We were attracted to each other before her break up but nothing more than that. Im very confused and dont know what to do. I dont even know if it will be worth it in the end. We currently talk and text alot. everything seems to be going well but I still question everything. I dont understand why she wanted to be with my right after she broke it off with her EX. It was almost immidiate. I feel insecure becasue she still has some feelings for her ex.
upsetnhurt Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I'd say go with you gut here. If she admitted she has any feelings for this other guy, you clearly are a distraction for her and one to help her resolve those feelings for him and heal. She will never see you for who you are and will only see the negative things you bring to the table (those that are opposite of her ex). She is in no way rationalal at the moment and you would be doing her and you an injustice if you attempted to have anything other than a friendship now. If you really like her, step away for sic months to a year and let her be.
upsetnhurt Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Let me add that you will in fact wind up with quite a broken heart. What typically happens is that you will get so attached to her and then when she wakes up out of this fog, she will realize that you were simply her transitional guy. Don't let that happen.
oppath Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I agree; I was just that guy and was devastated by it. Transitional relationship is a more appropriate term than rebound. I will never date a girl just out of a long term relationship again, aside from a few very casual dates. not going to happen. Sometimes the next person you date is the next person you date, but I've been burned 3 times by this, I recognize the pattern, and now I want someone who has been single for a year ! I want someone who has focused on her career and other interests, and dated some, maybe even a lot, but nothing resembling a relationship, or at least enough time between a serious one where they are healed and moved on. I'd back off and keep in casual contact -- no talking about your relationship and feelings -- until she gets back in the fall.
Author JJman Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 I agree; I was just that guy and was devastated by it. Transitional relationship is a more appropriate term than rebound. I will never date a girl just out of a long term relationship again, aside from a few very casual dates. not going to happen. Sometimes the next person you date is the next person you date, but I've been burned 3 times by this, I recognize the pattern, and now I want someone who has been single for a year ! I want someone who has focused on her career and other interests, and dated some, maybe even a lot, but nothing resembling a relationship, or at least enough time between a serious one where they are healed and moved on. I'd back off and keep in casual contact -- no talking about your relationship and feelings -- until she gets back in the fall. Whats a transitional relationship? I never heard of such thing. I also heard that people who do not have time to heal fully especially from a long term relationships end up going back to their Ex's. Is this true. Ive been hearing this from alot from my frat brothers also sorority sisters that I have been talking to. Also, I asked her actually only 15 minutes ago why did you jump into a relationship immidiately after a LT relationship and she replied that she wasnt thinking. She said it just happened. This worries me b/c I dont know what to think of her answer. She was IN love with this guy and I think was even her first for everything. It just dont know what to think of this situation. I honestly dont want me or her to get hurt in the end. Also, during the summer break she said we should keep in contact everyday and text often. Im still very shaky. Oh couple things about her is that she has low confidense level. I recently noticed it. She also seems insecure of herself. Im starting to think shes with me b.c I make her feel secure.
upsetnhurt Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 You seem to think there is a remote possibility that she is with you because she is ready to date you.....she isnt. She needs time to focus on why her last relationship did not work and determine what she wants in someone in the future. By you being there, you only will prolong that healing process for her and at the same time hurt yourself bigtime. Falling for someone who can't return the same feelings is the worst thing to go through. That is why they say that the "transitional" guy, who a person dates right after a long term relationship, will only serve to boost her ego and then when boosted enough she will transition to someone more compatible for them. You will be left in the dust. She will not do this intentionally, just will happen. Stop saying that you are starting to think this or that.....you know exactly whats happening and you are trying to convince yourself to not look at the truth.
oppath Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Well, I don't think they will necessarily move on to someone more compatible when the transition is complete...you may be very compatible...it is just that as they are restoring themselves and their own identity, using the other person for security, ego, and esteem, they become a slightly different person. When that transformation has completed, they are ready to face the world as a single person. Essentially, they come to terms with the demise of the old relationship through you. You may have been perfect for each other but met at the wrong time, and had you met after the healing occurred, it could be a different story. This doesn't always happen, sometimes it works out, but I'd advise to back off. Give her a go in the fall. she'll have time to heal that way.
Author JJman Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 Is there a chance that she may even go back to her ex?? I mean she does miss him and still have some feelings for him. Is this a possibility? I actually heard from some frat bros that girls who break it off without fully solving a problem or fully healing go back to their ex's. Is this true?
oppath Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Some people go back, some don't. Most don't. Those that do, it only lasts a short period of time. What does usually happen is feelings for the ex prevent the girl from opening up to a new guy, in this case you. For example, my ex gf's ex proposed to her when he got wind she was in a new relationship! She didn't tell me this and dumped me -- not to go back -- but she didn't tell me it. Double whammy when I found out about it. If she hasn't resolved her feelings for her ex, tell her you can't be involved with her. If someone says they aren't ready, believe them. Especially if you are ready and want more. If two people are in different places it won't work out.
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