Forward approaches.

[Lights]

What are some high-percentage forward approaches to ask someone to a date?

[laRubiaBonita]

the biggest "mistake" i know of is when a guy asks me out, but then has no clue where or what to do.

 

Have a plan. ask if the person wants to go to dinner with you on thursday or friday... it is better than a yes/ no question.

[Lights]

the biggest "mistake" i know of is when a guy asks me out, but then has no clue where or what to do.

 

Have a plan. ask if the person wants to go to dinner with you on thursday or friday... it is better than a yes/ no question.

 

So you'd recommend something along the lines of "Excuse me a second. I noticed you there and I'd like to meet you over dinner next Friday."?

 

The legends I've heard indicated that dinner was considered insufficiently casual for a first date, but then again that's just the urban legendry that I've been exposed to (and the legends I've heard haven't done me much good anyways).

[melodymatters]

Find out what their into and then say " hey, when am I taking you : (for sushi, fishing , to a jazz club) ?.

 

If they say "How about.. Friday" your on, if they giggle and deflect the question, they're not that interested.

 

 

pretty easy

[Lights]

Find out what their into and then say " hey, when am I taking you : (for sushi, fishing , to a jazz club) ?.

 

pretty easy

 

I don't have the advantage of being able to detect their interests on sight.

 

I suppose I should have been more clear about a forward approach. What would be an effective way to get someone to meet somewhere that lends itself to socializing/dating when one's immediate encounter is in a situation wherein conversation is particularly unlikely? In other words, what would I best do and say to quickly cross the distance and get that first meeting over sushi/jazz/coffee/etc. or whatever set up right on the spot, so that the getting-to-know can be effectively done on the agreed-upon site?

 

Would what I had guessed on my second post here be a good way?

[tanbark813]

What would be an effective way to get someone to meet somewhere that lends itself to socializing/dating when one's immediate encounter is in a situation wherein conversation is particularly unlikely?

 

Should the initial encounter present the dilemma of being unable to converse freely with the intended target, said dilemma must be overcome as telepathic messages have been shown to be drastically less effective than verbal exchanges in establishing future romantic rendezvous.

 

In other words, what would I best do and say to quickly cross the distance and get that first meeting over sushi/jazz/coffee/etc. or whatever set up right on the spot, so that the getting-to-know can be effectively done on the agreed-upon site?

 

Once a friendly greeting is offered in as non-threatening a manner as possible, thereby increasing the likelihood of facilitating a receptive demeanor in the person desired, one should briefly discuss an open-ended, non-controversial topic in an effort to build rapport. Upon achieving a sufficient level of symbiosis an invitation to a specified activity at a predetermined time should then be offered, providing details as needed. Activities that would be conducive to increasing familiarity in the consequent engagement include, but are not limited to, dinner, coffee, cocktails, bowling, and shooting pool. One should take care, however, to avoid places where ample conversation would be considered a faux pas such as movies and funerals.

 

Would what I had guessed on my second post here be a good way?

 

Perhaps, but you don't gotsta be so formal, mang.

[Lights]

Should the initial encounter present the dilemma of being unable to converse freely with the intended target, said dilemma must be overcome as telepathic messages have been shown to be drastically less effective than verbal exchanges in establishing future romantic rendezvous.

No, no telepathic anything is involved here. I was thinking of something a bit more mundane, like quickly stepping over to wherever she is and asking her outright on the spot, and then going back to whatever it is I was doing or returning off on the way to wherever I was going. The question is what works most effectively when the verbal exchange is limited to an immediate asking out.

 

Once a friendly greeting is offered in as non-threatening a manner as possible, thereby increasing the likelihood of facilitating a receptive demeanor in the person desired, one should briefly discuss an open-ended, non-controversial topic in an effort to build rapport.

Well, I suppose that's an answer to a different question.

 

I was asking about forward approaches, not about how to ask someone out after extended conversation. In situations where such conversation is just not going to happen, what would be a good way to simply get a first date on the spot so I can do the discussing etc. on the date?

 

You recommended bowling, shooting pool, and some other ideas. Would something like "I noticed you from over there and I'd like to get to know you. You up for a game of pool at [name of a local pool hall] next Sunday?" be effective?

[tanbark813]

I was asking about forward approaches, not about how to ask someone out after a conversation. In situations where such conversation is just not going to happen, what would be a good way to simply get a first date on the spot so I can do the discussing etc. on the date?

 

If you're talking about a girl you've never spoken to or met in your life, then you have to at least start out with some mindless chit-chat. If the first thing you say to her is to ask her out you're going to get shot down every time.

 

You recommended bowling, shooting pool, and some other ideas. Would something like "I noticed you from over there and I'd like to get to know you. You up for a game of pool at [name of a local pool hall] next Sunday?" be effective?

 

If it's someone you just met and have only had a few minutes of conversation then it would be better to stick with something less involved like coffee or getting a drink. If you want to set up dinner, bowling, pool, etc.. you're going to have to talk to her a bit more. She has to feel comfortable in your presence or you're dead in the water.

[laRubiaBonita]

i thought it had good ideas:

 

Ask your intended out on paper…or a paper napkin

If you’re out at a bar and notice a cute person standing there, put the cocktail napkins to good use. Remember those grade school “Do you like me?” notes you used to pass around? Do something similar. Grab a pen, write down, “Would you like to go out next week?” with a “Yes” box and a “No” box beneath it. Fold up the napkin note and pass it to him or her with the pen.

 

Pull your own “To Be Continued…” episode

The less you know the person you’re asking out, the better off you are with this technique. While no one is saying to ask out a total stranger of course (for safety’s sake), this is a good approach if you’re attracted to a friend of a friend when, say, you’re all out at a bar or party. Start a story, then stop partway through saying, “Oh, this is a two-part episode. To hear the other half, you’ll have to tune into a date with me.” Why do I know this works? Because a guy I met in a bar used something similar on me a few months ago. We’d been talking about traveling adventures we’d had, and he said, “I have two funny stories about that.” After finishing his first story, he said, “As for the second story… well, I’ll tell you when we go out for dinner.” We’ve been out for four dinners since!

 

Hire a stand-in to do the asking

If you’re feeling too chicken to approach the gorgeous stranger across the room, have a friend — or the party host, or the bartender at your favorite hangout — do it for you. Ask your go-between to say to your would-be date, “My friend over there wants to know if you’ll go out with him/her.” Then be sure they pour on the charm for you with glowing lines, like, “She’s a great woman, and you’d be a fool not to go out with her.” Or “I mean, he’s a cool dude—check out his shoes.” Once you have the object of your affections smiling, then you can move in for the answer personally.

 

Evite someone for a one-on-one

If you already have the email address of the person you want to ask out, let an Internet invite do the talking. Go to Evite.com and arrange a small party… so small that the only invitees are you and your date. In the reply box, you, of course, should write something funny like, “Heck yeah, I’ll be there! Count me in!”

Sneak it onto their to-do list

If someone you know (and like) hasn’t gotten around to asking you out — and if you’re the bold type — insert it into his or her schedule. Yvi Chen, 30, penned this approach not too long ago. She was at a friend’s house (a single, handsome friend’s house) and wrote in his calendar, “Call Yvi to remind her about having dinner next week.” On the next page, a week later, she scheduled in, “Dinner with Yvi.” Yes, it was cheeky, but she felt she had nothing to lose. “I knew he’d either call to comment on what I wrote in his calendar, or he’d just pretend he never saw it,” says Yvi. “I was fine either way. I just didn’t want to be rejected face-to-face.” As if. In the end, Yvi got the “remind,” and they dined!

 

Start your own rumor

If there’s someone you’ve been flirting with for a few weeks or years, and you can’t figure out a way to break the “friend” boundary, here’s a plan that can work brilliantly. Tell the person you have your eye on, “So the rumor is, you want to ask me out…” If he really does want to ask you out, you’ve just handed him a safety net for rejection. And if he hadn’t thought of asking you out, he might be intrigued enough by the “rumor” to look at you in a new light. If he says, “Who started that rumor?” Say, “I can’t reveal my sources.” Or “I can’t tell you who, but it was someone very smart.” My friend Lisa tried this with a guy she’d been flirty friends with in college who’d never made a move. Though he was flustered for a minute, she finally said, “Look, are you going to ask me out or not?” He said, “Uh… yes.” She then said “yes” to a date that night. And five years later, she said “yes” to his marriage proposal.

 

Make a wager

The next time you want to ask out a stranger you meet at a bar or party, up your chances of getting a yes by upping the fun ante. Say to him or her, “I’ll play you in a game of pool. If I win, you take me out. And if you win, I’ll let you take me out.” Let the game begin!

 

Be specific and straight-up

Whether you want to ask out a stranger, a friend or someone you’ve struck up a conversation with at a party, go bold. Replace a wishy-washy line like, “So yeah, we should hang out or something soon, you know?” with a far more straightforward, “Would you like to get sushi with me next Thursday night?” No mixed messages, no fumbling for words, and oozing with confidence… and that’s something every date askee wants to hear.

[Lights]

If you're talking about a girl you've never spoken to or met in your life, then you have to at least start out with some mindless chit-chat. If the first thing you say to her is to ask her out you're going to get shot down every time.

 

So you're essentially saying it's impossible?

 

i thought it had good ideas:

 

Ask your intended out on paper…or a paper napkin

 

Be specific and straight-up

Whether you want to ask out a stranger, a friend or someone you’ve struck up a conversation with at a party, go bold. Replace a wishy-washy line like, “So yeah, we should hang out or something soon, you know?” with a far more straightforward, “Would you like to get sushi with me next Thursday night?” No mixed messages, no fumbling for words, and oozing with confidence… and that’s something every date askee wants to hear.

 

I'll try these two sometime; the others are based entirely on advantages which do not apply to the situations I was describing. I was actually asking for advice on how effectively to do the "specific straight-up" stuff with a stranger, right on the spot. I replied to your earlier post; was the method I guessed something what would be effective? Or, to borrow from this example, would something like "Hi. I'd like to get to know you somewhere where we can talk more freely. Would you like to meet over some coffee on Sunday?" be a reasonably high-percentage method?

[nocturnal_kiss]

Maybe you're overthinking this just a tad.

 

How would you react if a stranger approached you and asked you to sushi? Would you say yes if you had no context or knowledge of the person? What would be your motivation to say yes?

[tanbark813]

So you're essentially saying it's impossible?

 

Not impossible but maybe 1 in 50 girls will say yes. The main problem is you don't have time to put them at ease. Your best bet is asking with a lot of confidence, but light-hearted at the same time. Assertive but non-threatening.

 

The napkin idea is a good one. Playful stuff usually goes over well. But again, you have to be confident about it otherwise it might look creepy.

 

Also, when you say "high-percentage", what do you mean? High as in above 50% or high as in relative to other methods?

[Lights]

How would you react if a stranger approached you and asked you to sushi? Would you say yes if you had no context or knowledge of the person? What would be your motivation to say yes?

 

If one has to ask questions like this, it soon becomes a slippery slope. At what point does one permit or deny an unknown person in-person contact, and on what motivation does one base such an action on? One could easily extend that question to what motivation would I have to respond to a stranger's hi?

 

Nevertheless, I would totally not mind it if a cute, friendly, socially advanced young single woman passed by and said something along the lines of "Excuse me a second. My name's Ingrid. I saw you there and was wondering if you'd like to get to know each other over some coffee?"

 

That's my thought on what it would be with the situation reversed.

 

Not impossible but maybe 1 in 50 girls will say yes. The main problem is you don't have time to put them at ease. Your best bet is asking with a lot of confidence, but light-hearted at the same time. Assertive but non-threatening.

 

The napkin idea is a good one. Playful stuff usually goes over well. But again, you have to be confident about it otherwise it might look creepy.

 

Also, when you say "high-percentage", what do you mean? High as in above 50% or high as in relative to other methods?

 

That's better than most other things I've tried. (Where I come from, most people outside one's tiny little tribe don't even respond to a friendly hi, so meeting people is often a brutal waste of time and asking women out often never even gets around to happening. 1 for 50 isn't so bad if viewed in comparison to most other methods I've tried.)

 

Ideally I meant both. In practice, given how low-percentage all of this is, high relative to other methods is good. Although if you know something above 50%, I'd love to hear it.

[melodymatters]

Is there some compelling reason why you CAN"T have a 5 minute conversation first, before you ask this person, or people out ?

 

Tanbark is giving you some good avice and as a woman I am seconding it : no one is going to feel comfortable, or be able to figure out if they WANT to spend any time with you unless there is a LITTLE conversation first.

 

I admire your balls to the wall courage in wanting to ask asap, but how do YOU know if you even like this person as a human being if you don't get to chat a bit first ?

 

I am along the lines of the cute, blonde, american archetype, but when somone asks me out before we've even had a decent conversation, I'M the one who says " How do you even know if you like me ? If I'm a good person ? Shouldn't you find that out first ? "

[Lights]

Is there some compelling reason why you CAN"T have a 5 minute conversation first, before you ask this person, or people out ?

 

Tanbark is giving you some good avice and as a woman I am seconding it : no one is going to feel comfortable, or be able to figure out if they WANT to spend any time with you unless there is a LITTLE conversation first.

 

I admire your balls to the wall courage in wanting to ask asap, but how do YOU know if you even like this person as a human being if you don't get to chat a bit first ?

We aren't disagreeing at all. I'm quite aware that this sort of thing isn't optimal. In an ideal world, I'd be encountering them all at a reasonably slow-moving place that is good for socializing, have a fun first conversation (or discover that the first attempts at conversation weren't so fun and cut it off right there), and so on, but that's not always how my life goes. Sometimes, but definitely not always.

 

There's no "this person" in question; I am merely asking for what to do in this sort of situation in general for future reference. It's happened several times where I've seen someone who might have been interesting but did not have time on hand on the order of multiple minutes before needing to do something or go somewhere, or that I've seen someone where chatting just wasn't appropriate.

 

I am along the lines of the cute, blonde, american archetype, but when somone asks me out before we've even had a decent conversation, I'M the one who says " How do you even know if you like me ? If I'm a good person ? Shouldn't you find that out first ? "

 

Again, we don't disagree on the realities there. I'm quite aware that such an attempt would result in essentially a blind date. Is it a preferable route to take if the alternative of getting to know them better beforehand is available? Nope. But it's not like people haven't ever gone on casual blind dates before...

[tanbark813]

Although if you know something above 50%, I'd love to hear it.

 

If I knew of something above 50% I'd be a billionaire.

 

Tanbark is giving you some good avice and as a woman I am seconding it

 

Thanks!

[alphamale]

Is there some compelling reason why you CAN"T have a 5 minute conversation first, before you ask this person, or people out ?

what are you gonna "learn" in 5 minutes?

 

I am along the lines of the cute, blonde, american archetype, but when somone asks me out before we've even had a decent conversation, I'M the one who says " How do you even know if you like me ? If I'm a good person ? Shouldn't you find that out first ? "

what are you gonna "learn" in 20 minutes?

 

women choose the guy they want to date and they usuallly make that decisioin within 5 minutes of meeting the dude. So, if she's interested and he asks her (whichever way) then he'll get a date and maybe more.

[mental_traveller]

You could try just approaching her and saying "Hi, I'd like to take you out sometime - how about it?"

 

I've used that a few times and although you'll get a lot of knockbacks, it does work enough to be worthwhile. If you *don't* ask, then your chance is guaranteed to be 0.

[oppath]

Nevertheless, I would totally not mind it if a cute, friendly, socially advanced young single woman passed by and said something along the lines of "Excuse me a second. My name's Ingrid. I saw you there and was wondering if you'd like to get to know each other over some coffee?"

 

There is nothing socially advanced about walking up to a random person and saying "want to go out." There are times when this works; I know people who have used it. It depends on context. Check out line, perhaps a bar or coffee shop as someone is walking out the door...but even in those situations , several sentences of witty banter should be exchanged first. By all means, there are times when this method is ok. If you see someone interesting, talk to them. Ask them out. But I have to ask:

 

WHY ARE YOU SO FOCUSED ON HOW TO DO THIS?

 

If you seriously can't do better than 1/50 -- by the way, you are distorting this and trust me, you aren't helping your esteem by claiming this ratio -- something is wrong in your approach. I guarantee you, however, that you will have worse luck with the straight up cold call ask out. A cold call conversation is necessary.

 

Rather than focus on a routine or clever, witty way to ask a girl out without even engaging her in conversation, your goal should be to ENGAGE WOMEN IN CONVERSATION IN MANY CONTEXTS! If you can engage a woman, and she is available and attracted to you, it doesn't matter much how you ask her out. You can say "hang out" or any number of weaker lines as long as you have pleasurably engaged her. Your question should be: what are ways to start conversations with strangers I am attracted to and how can I sustain those conversation? If you can do this, even for 3 minutes,you will have more success. Trying to do it in 30 seconds is a bad goal to have, because if you can't engage a girl in conversation for 3 minutes, you certainly won't be able to engage her for an entire date. I've been there, so please don't take this as criticism.

[Lights]

You could try just approaching her and saying "Hi, I'd like to take you out sometime - how about it?"

 

I've used that a few times and although you'll get a lot of knockbacks, it does work enough to be worthwhile.

Okay. Thanks, mental_traveller.

 

There is nothing socially advanced about walking up to a random person and saying "want to go out."

I must disagree. Out where I come from, you'd be surprised how few men and women have the social skills, intellectual advancement (overcoming the "don't talk to strangers" they learned as eight-year-olds and many haven't grown beyond), and fortitude required to to even talk to a stranger at all (and not necessarily specifically me) without being ordered to. But that is a matter for another thread, so I will stop here.

 

There are times when this works; I know people who have used it. It depends on context. Check out line, perhaps a bar or coffee shop as someone is walking out the door...but even in those situations , several sentences of witty banter should be exchanged first.

Do you really do this? I'm curious just how you fit in multiple sentences of conversation during the split-seconds of someone leaving through a door. Although I'll have to admit that even I hadn't thought of asking how to ask someone out in split-seconds.

 

If you seriously can't do better than 1/50 -- by the way, you are distorting this and trust me, you aren't helping your esteem by claiming this ratio -- something is wrong in your approach.

Distorting? No. In the name of anything upon which swearing would be meaningful to you, I maintain that it is true that it has not been the case that approaching and attempting to speak to fifty women has in my past experience necessarily resulted in going out on a date with one of them.

 

If something's wrong with my approach in slower situations, I suppose that's something to be fixed. Maybe I'll post a separate thread for it and discuss it there...

 

your goal should be to ENGAGE WOMEN IN CONVERSATION IN MANY CONTEXTS!...Your question should be: what are ways to start conversations with strangers I am attracted to and how can I sustain those conversation?

All right. I'll do that, and set up a post for that here...

 

If you can do this, even for 3 minutes,you will have more success. Trying to do it in 30 seconds is a bad goal to have, because if you can't engage a girl in conversation for 3 minutes, you certainly won't be able to engage her for an entire date. I've been there, so please don't take this as criticism.

I would certainly agree with you, if the ability to make a 3-minute conversation was limited solely by conversational skills. But it isn't. The other requisite for a 3-minute conversation is to have three consecutive minutes in the area together at a close enough distance to the other. (Unless, of course, you talk for however many seconds and then, as you continue on your way, utilize the Tanbark Telepathic Transponder™ in your coat pocket to continue the conversation.) However vilely incompetent a conversationalist I might or might not be, I think it was clear that this requisite wasn't fulfilled in the situations I was asking about.

 

No worries. I don't consider this criticism at all. I just don't want to turn this into an argument or a set of evasions though. I'll take your advice on choosing other approaches, so I have posted up threads in which to discuss them.

[Lights]

Anyone, any more information?

[melodymatters]

what are you gonna "learn" in 5 minutes?

 

 

what are you gonna "learn" in 20 minutes?

 

women choose the guy they want to date and they usuallly make that decisioin within 5 minutes of meeting the dude. So, if she's interested and he asks her (whichever way) then he'll get a date and maybe more.

 

 

Allright Alpha darling, but your not the one asking for advice, you do ok on your own. But, you kinda proved my point with the " WITHIN 5 MINUTES" thing. WE at least need to see that you don't repeat yourself like Rainman, don't drool on yourself, and otherwise project some sort of intelligent confidence which can not be conveyed instantanously.

 

I want my damn 5 minutes of warm up, and psyching you out !

 

For the OP. It sounds like you live in a society where if idle chit chat is discouraged, a flat out come on will be even MORE frowned upon.Maybe try the internet since you are going on looks alone ?

[Lights]

Allright Alpha darling, but your not the one asking for advice, you do ok on your own. But, you kinda proved my point with the " WITHIN 5 MINUTES" thing. WE at least need to see that you don't repeat yourself like Rainman, don't drool on yourself, and otherwise project some sort of intelligent confidence which can not be conveyed instantanously.

 

I want my damn 5 minutes of warm up, and psyching you out !

 

For the OP. It sounds like you live in a society where if idle chit chat is discouraged, a flat out come on will be even MORE frowned upon.Maybe try the internet since you are going on looks alone ?

 

True, in such situations I too won't have the advantage of knowing whether they don't drool on themselves, have intelligent confidence, and so on.

 

I do live in a cold, tribalistic society wherein chitchat with someone who isn't under orders to speak with one is generally quite a low-percentage tactic. But this was just a question about a specialized type of situation (wherein I might be vanishing from the scene in a short amount of time but happened to have noticed someone, or wherein I see someone nearby but can't afford too much time away from what I'm doing). Using conversation is also something I do (I find it a lot more comfortable too), and it's generally been more applicable to more normal situations when there aren't any restrictions on my time or involving having to leave the area.

 

I might do the internet thing if it comes to it though.

[Kamille]

Hi Lights, how are you doing? I have to say you sound like quite a brave man! Asking strangers out in a fleeting interaction? Takes guts.

 

A few comments. First, Tarnbak is giving great advice. The first thing you do want to do is put 'her' at ease. Be a perfect gentleman without falling into 'desperate'. It is your responsibility to make the interaction fun for her. You are, in other words, offering her something.

 

Second, recognize or create opportunity. In my city, it is way easier to interact with strangers in certain neighbourhoods (for me it's generally the artsy neighbourhoods - Toronto: Kensington market, Queen W.) late friday afternoon then at any other time.

 

Your description of what you're looking for and how you perceive your city made me think that what you need is a trip. I don't know how old you are but it seems to me that the kind of encounter you are craving happens most often in the european backpacking circuit.

 

last, a question... Why is it important to you to be able to pick up strangers? What are you looking for? Someone to share your life with or flings? Because, if the first, then studies have shown that you are most likely to meet the right person in your own networks. In this case, what you want to do, if your networks are perticularly devoid of interesting women, is create opportunity by joining new groups - making new friends, etc.

 

As for the success ratio of asking stangers out, of course it would be low so make sure you don't take it personnaly. I think I speak for a lot of women when I say we do enjoy a bit of intrigue and courting, the kind that can only come from speaking to a guy for more then 5 minutes. You heard me Alpha.

[crosswordfiend]

Your description of what you're looking for and how you perceive your city made me think that what you need is a trip. I don't know how old you are but it seems to me that the kind of encounter you are craving happens most often in the european backpacking circuit.

 

Second, recognize or create opportunity. In my city, it is way easier to interact with strangers in certain neighbourhoods (for me it's generally the artsy neighbourhoods - Toronto: Kensington market, Queen W.) late friday afternoon then at any other time.

 

Kamille has got a point here. From my brief time in the UK, the impression I got was that there was no conversing to be done before formal introductions. Take a trip and hopefully you can regain some confidence. If it works you may even consider moving.

 

And the part about the artsy neighbourhoods is true. I live in Toronto too and I'll second Queen West, but Kensington is a touch granola for my taste.