distraughtnewlywed Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 No idea where to start. Just that I am devastated. I'm been married a little over six months. I knew my hubby for five years before we married and we dated for 2 of those years. I just officially adopted his son about two months ago (the mother gave up custody) We had a very short engagement- he proposed and we were married about four months later. I had no hesitations to marry him (i'm 26 he's 30) because he is one of the sweetest most loving guys I"ve ever dated. Plus we have a lot of common interests. We always had our disagreements but we got thru them. He is also one of the first men I"ve ever truly opened my heart up to. I was burned in a bad relationship (he cheated on me) and my husband knew this and promised that he'd never do the same. As far as I know he'd never cheated on anyone before. He was always very open with me, he made me feel secure and he always told me where he was and would call me to say hello. I never minded if he wanted to go out with the "boys" after work or something like that. I wasn't suspicious or jealous. he went out of his way to make sure I trusted him. Well i come to find out it was all a lie. two months before he proposed to me, my husband had what he calls a one night stand with a coworker. She wasnt even an attractive co worker. He said that he ran into her at the store and she came on to him and they had sex in his truck. He said she started undressing him and he (and this is the part that kills me) thought I"d never find out. he said he wouldnt' have started anything with her as he wasn't attracted to her. But when she started it he just didn't say no. I should mention that before this our sex life was great (he would say that too). We had sex several times a week and he always said I was the most fun he'd ever had in bed because I'd try new things. so it wasn't lack of interest. He said he intended to never talk to her again but that they actually talked afterwards (days later) and that he would stop by her house after work to talk to her. So its as if he didn't even feel guilty about what he did. He says they never slept together again (that it was just a curiousity thing) but that he continued to talk to her for about three or four months. Meanwhile he had proposed to me, and we were planning our wedding. he even took his son to meet her a few times. That sickens me. Ever since I found out- he confessed but I about had to beat it out of him) he has had no contact with her. I feel like such a fool- only being married such a short time and realizing my husband isnt' the man I thought I was marrying. I dont' know if I should try to work it out (for the sake of our son) or if I should leave. I just can't believe he would cheat and then propose!! How sick is that. He seems remorseful but may be just sorry he was caught. He seems to have no feeling for his co worker but says if he ran into her somewhere he would say hi as not to be rude. He also thinks he should still be "allowed" to hang out with the "boys" after work. When he talks about how he hurt the other woman (she wanted to be with him) he just laughs about it which is really disturbing. he says he doesnt know why he did it just that he didn't plan it and that he'll never figure out what was going thru his head. He says he won't do it again, that he learned his lesson but he really didn't face any consequences (in my opinion) I just moved out for a few weeks. I don't know whether to work it out or give up. This all happened before we got married but I just found out about a month ago!
jmargel Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 he said he wouldnt' have started anything with her as he wasn't attracted to her. But when she started it he just didn't say no Lies.. I could not have sex with someone I was not attracted too. Perhaps if I was so drunk out of my mind that I didn't know where I was at, but even then that's a long shot. He said he intended to never talk to her again but that they actually talked afterwards (days later) and that he would stop by her house after work to talk to her More evidence that he has found her attractive, they have been having some sort of relationship for awhile, and I doubt the sex they had was in his truck. Good chance it happened numerous times at her house when he went over there to 'talk'. but that he continued to talk to her for about three or four months. Trust me on this. He didn't just sleep with her once and only just talk to her for the next 3 to 4 months. He was kissing, hugging, touching, having sex with her. Ever since I found out- he confessed but I about had to beat it out of him) he has had no contact with her. I feel like such a fool- only being married such a short time and realizing my husband isnt' the man I thought I was marrying. I dont' know if I should try to work it out (for the sake of our son) or if I should leave. I just can't believe he would cheat and then propose!! How sick is that. He seems remorseful but may be just sorry he was caught. He seems to have no feeling for his co worker but says if he ran into her somewhere he would say hi as not to be rude. He's sorry he got caught, if he was truly sorry he would have confessed without you hounding him. He knew it was only a matter of time before you found out the truth from someone else. Good chance the novelty of this other chick has worn off as well. He also thinks he should still be "allowed" to hang out with the "boys" after work. When he talks about how he hurt the other woman (she wanted to be with him) he just laughs about it which is really disturbing. he says he doesnt know why he did it just that he didn't plan it and that he'll never figure out what was going thru his head. He says he won't do it again, that he learned his lesson but he really didn't face any consequences (in my opinion) I just moved out for a few weeks. Unfortunetly players make you feel like you aren't being played. That they are genuine and sincere. It's a very deceptive game, however when you find out the truth you will notice the reason alot of these guys do this is because of immaturity, disrespect, ego-boosting. All of these are core personality problems and like you said unless he faces the consequences he will do it again. Not a matter of if, but when. He has to want to fix himself as a person. Sounds like he doesn't know what this even is. The only way to do this, is counseling. Sounds like he got a slap on the wrist and then just 'promised' you. Well he married you under a lie to begin with. That is grounds for an annulment. If I were you I would really be tough on him. Make him move out and get a seperation. If he truly wants to be with you then he will get counseling and only then will you even think about taking him back. Any other option (besides divorce) you are looking at a long and very hurtful relationship. He has shown his true colors. The things he shown you during your first 3 to 4 months of your relationship he has shown her. That is why she fell in love with him. He lied and cheated on her as well, for she didn't know you existed. It's time to deflate this ego of his and start looking out for your own happiness. You have to start to think about what you are getting out of all of this. Marriages are not suppose to be this way.
outofdarkness Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Lies.. I could not have sex with someone I was not attracted too. Perhaps if I was so drunk out of my mind that I didn't know where I was at, but even then that's a long shot. More evidence that he has found her attractive, they have been having some sort of relationship for awhile, and I doubt the sex they had was in his truck. Good chance it happened numerous times at her house when he went over there to 'talk'. Trust me on this. He didn't just sleep with her once and only just talk to her for the next 3 to 4 months. He was kissing, hugging, touching, having sex with her. He's sorry he got caught, if he was truly sorry he would have confessed without you hounding him. He knew it was only a matter of time before you found out the truth from someone else. Good chance the novelty of this other chick has worn off as well. Unfortunetly players make you feel like you aren't being played. That they are genuine and sincere. It's a very deceptive game, however when you find out the truth you will notice the reason alot of these guys do this is because of immaturity, disrespect, ego-boosting. All of these are core personality problems and like you said unless he faces the consequences he will do it again. Not a matter of if, but when. He has to want to fix himself as a person. Sounds like he doesn't know what this even is. The only way to do this, is counseling. Sounds like he got a slap on the wrist and then just 'promised' you. Well he married you under a lie to begin with. That is grounds for an annulment. If I were you I would really be tough on him. Make him move out and get a seperation. If he truly wants to be with you then he will get counseling and only then will you even think about taking him back. Any other option (besides divorce) you are looking at a long and very hurtful relationship. He has shown his true colors. The things he shown you during your first 3 to 4 months of your relationship he has shown her. That is why she fell in love with him. He lied and cheated on her as well, for she didn't know you existed. It's time to deflate this ego of his and start looking out for your own happiness. You have to start to think about what you are getting out of all of this. Marriages are not suppose to be this way. I totally agree w/ this post. I was thinking, well..There's got to be some sort of "middle of the road" option for this person, and you hit the nail on the head. I wouldn't give up on it totally quite yet, but I WOULD show him that you mean business and follow through if he does not meet your conditions or crosses any boundaries that you set...Good luck to you...Sounds like a really painful and tough situation to be in. It's so hurtful to be cheated on..I know and I sympathize w/ you.
lrae Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 No idea where to start. Just that I am devastated. WTF is wrong people?!! Why do we hurt people so badly? I am so sorry that this happened to you. It absolutely sucks. Going forward you need to decide what is and what is not acceptable for your marriage. Respect, honesty and caring are vital in a marriage. You need to make sure that your H treats you with all three of these. Set firm boundaries and don't settle for anything less. Get into counseling!! Get this girl out of your life! Above all make your H accountable! It may take some time (he may need to learn a lot of this and he may test your resolve) but I still like to believe it can be done.
distraughtnewlywed Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I take comfort in your advice and I want to try to work things out with my husband but just not sure that I can get over this. I feel like such a fool that I didnt' know this was going on. I should have seen something!! I just thought that he was someone I could trust (or I'd never have married him). I want him to endure some sort of consequences or punishment but I'm not sure how to make that happen. Our son, is his biologically and mine thru a recent adoption. If I kick his dad out (we bought the house together) then the child will be miserable. He is very close to his dad as he never had a mom around growing up so he is very attached to his dad. if I kick my husband out then his son would have this terrible disruption in his life of changing schools etc. I honestly dont' want to put him thru that. I love him like my own child but I know if I kicked his dad out I would be the "bad guy" and he wouldnt' want to stay with me. As for the finding the OW attractive, i'm sure he must have liked something about her but my husbadn (before we met) has had several one night stands (when he wasnt in a relationship)He explains it as you dont' have to even like the person you hook up with, or even be attracted to their looks. Most of the times he was drunk but he never talked to these women again. I've met the OW and she is not attractive by anyone's standards. She is overweight by quite a bit, doesn't shower regularly and doesn't really take care of herself. She's quite sad looking. So I'm thinking either my husband was blind and just wanted a quick lay or that there was some emotional connection there which really hurts me. I just dont' know what to do. I'm afraid if I stay I'll be dealing with this issue again in the future.
norajane Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 he just laughs about it While there were many, many red flags in your post and many, many disturbing things, this is honestly one of the worst. This is not a man who 'gets it' that his actions have consequences and that he destroys other people with his behavior. He is callous and unfeeling and has no remorse. He thinks what he did is amusing. jmargel hit the nail on the head. Insist on retaining your own self-respect and getting your needs met. If that means divorcing this loser in the end, well, that just means you've saved yourself years and years of anxiety and heartache down the road.
flow Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I am so sorry that this happened to you. It is horrible no matter what. I agree with the other posts. He is not remorseful. Believe me. The same thing happened to me last year, with almost identical details of how the betrayer did after being found out. I spent the first 3 months after knowing the incident trying to forgive him because he cried and said his life would be devasted if I leave, and the past 3 months reading, searching, thinking to reach the conclusion that a man who had the "ONS", continued talking to the OP, did not show true remorse, is not worth the time and energy it takes to try to forgive. It sounds very simple now, but I get to this point after being cheated on twice (first emotional then physical affair) by two ex-boyfriends. Neither of them intended to come clean, both initially cried and struggled for being forgiven, both lost patience sooner than I needed in order to trust them again, both made me feel they were not worth my time. I did not say the above out of hatred or resentment. I have been reading so much during the past 2 years about betrayal, rebuilding trust, and tried with all my heart to forgive just to make sure that I did not rule out a good man because of his single stupid mistake. But you know what, it is not a mistake that they did this. The incident basically tells who they are. It is even not about how attractive you are, or how good you have been to them, or how much they like you. It just shows that they are selfish and do not really care how much they hurt you. By all means, stay detached, at least pretend to. If you do not want to make any decision soon, then don't. Don't be forced to decide that you will try to get over this and forgive him. Please please give yourself enough time and space and insist on them when pressured. It is his obligation to prove that he is really sorry and wants to be with you and only you, no matter how much it takes. He should taste the consequences of his actions. If he is sincere, he will learn and grow from all his sufferings. If he is not sincere, you will see very soon. You must be hurting a lot. Vent as much as you need, but not to him at least for a few days. Just tell him that you need time to think, and then watch how he will respond. We do grow stronger after getting through all the pains inflicted on us. Stay there, and we are here for you.
Trialbyfire Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 The incident basically tells who they are. It is even not about how attractive you are, or how good you have been to them, or how much they like you. It just shows that they are selfish and do not really care how much they hurt you. I agree with this except the last sentence. In their selfishness, you become invisible. There is no thought of you, your feelings or relationship. The experience is between them and the other object. I say object because there's rarely any respect or consideration given to either woman.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 He has shown you who he is by his actions. You can hope for the rest of your life that he becomes the man that you thought him to be but it will never happen. This wasn't a mistake. I completely agree with JMargel as to what is obviously going on and completely disagree with him over steps to take to change him. HOPE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. On the subject of your children. YOU DID NOT BREAK THIS AND YOU CANNOT FIX IT. You can however stay for the children and continue to be abused in this way for the rest of your life. Unfortunately the children will not have an emotionally healthy mother to love them because this will eat you up and you can rest assured that it will happen again and again with someone at sometime. When you adopted your child you agreed to keep its best interest at heart above all others including your own. Your childs best interest isn't in having his mother be used by the man that she loves. Unfortunately his child doesn't stand a chance, no matter what you do. He will be subject to this type of lifestyle for the rest of his life and will probably learn to become just like his father. I am very, very sorry for you but it won't get any better.
outofdarkness Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 While there were many, many red flags in your post and many, many disturbing things, this is honestly one of the worst. This is not a man who 'gets it' that his actions have consequences and that he destroys other people with his behavior. He is callous and unfeeling and has no remorse. He thinks what he did is amusing. jmargel hit the nail on the head. Insist on retaining your own self-respect and getting your needs met. If that means divorcing this loser in the end, well, that just means you've saved yourself years and years of anxiety and heartache down the road. Yes, this quote stood out to me as being especially cruel on his part to me as well...
Distraughtnewlywed Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Yes, this quote stood out to me as being especially cruel on his part to me as well... Yes, it was just recently too, we were talking about the situation and I was asking him questions. I wanted to know why he continued to talk to her and why he did what he did if he wasnt' interested in her. he said I just dont' understand one night stands and that he continued to talk to her becaues she wouldn't go away. That he didnt' see any harm in it. I asked if he knew that the OW had feelings for him and he said he sort of knew because she wanted to be with him and was upset when his son would bring up my name (yes she knew about me) I said didn't it bother you to hurt her like that (she didn't know we were planning our wedding!) and he was talking about her and all at once when I was asking him this stuff he just started laughing. LIke this weird cold, cackle. Almost a giggle. Like I'd just told him the funniest joke. I asked why he was laughing and he said he didnt know and "giggled" some more. It was truly scary. Like hearing a lunatic laugh. I've never known this man to be like this. I mean he was so sweet and caring and good to me and his son. It boggles my mind to interchange the guy I thought I married with this strange cold, unfeeling selfish personality.
jmargel Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I've met the OW and she is not attractive by anyone's standards. She is overweight by quite a bit, doesn't shower regularly and doesn't really take care of herself. She's quite sad looking. All that proves is that he is willing to cheat on you with ANYBODY. I could never have sex with an unattractive woman, especially if she doesn't shower or take care of herself. That's just gross. Remember, the women he slept with are the women you are sleeping with now. God only knows what STDs he has. I would still go the seperation route, tell him you will want joint custody. This will really rattle his cage and hopefully start to re-evalutate his life. Don't do these things for revenge but do it with the intention that you don't want to live a miserable life. Do this for yourself. Like I said before his behavior comes from a personality and attitude problem. Immaturity is a very hard thing to fix.
mental_traveller Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Speak to a lawyer asap and leave this sham marriage. See if you can get it anulled. He has no respect for you, laughing about this situation even, how heartless is that? He will continually cheat on you as long as you stay together. He is almost certainly lying about having sex only once. Just get out now while you can, the longer you stay the worse it's going to be. What do your relatives & friends think about this?
Sad Shelly Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 How did he respond when you moved out after you found out?
distraughtnewlywed Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 What is the normal behavior of a cheater once caught. My husband says he wants to work it out for our son's sake. But I just dont get the feeling he is truly sorry for his actions. last night we were arguing about the situation and he said the most unbelievable thing to me. He told me that I can either get over it and trust him or I can leave. After all this trauma and pain and the humilition of having to go for STD testing (luckily everything was negative) he tells me this. He also said that "the only difference between you and me is that I got caught". That is an insane statement! I've never cheated, nor given him any reason to think I did! Yet he thinks the only difference between him (scum sucking lying piece of sh*t!) and me (not perfect but never unfaithful) is that he got caught!!! OMG I'm in hell.
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