DutchGuy Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Hello everybody, I would like to hear your opinion on something: I have a great relationship with a wonderful girl. We've been dating for more than 3 years. Even though we're young (20-21), I can see us getting married. Now, I'm an atheist and she's Catholic. I feel pretty strong about my beliefs and she does about hers. She insists on getting married in church and claims that marrying for the law doesn't feel like marrying to her. She feels that I should just give up my stubbornness because "I don't believe anything anyway". It's a matter of principle right? To be honest, I feel all religious people are missing a screw - but that doesn't give me the right to tell her what to do. I love my girlfriend very much, but what must I do?
allina Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 To be honest, I feel all religious people are missing a screw - but that doesn't give me the right to tell her what to do. I feel the same way. Is she trying to push religion on you in other ways or does she just want the church wedding? If the issue is only about the wedding I wouldn't worry about it and let her have her dream wedding.
Enema Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Offer her a compromise. You'll do the church wedding, if she pays for it.
quankanne Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Catholicism is as traditional as you can get when it comes to religion, with it's rules and regs and formality. And if she wants to marry in the Church, you will have to undergo an intense marriage preparation to see if you guys are ready for marriage – there's no "I'm going to book the church on X day and just hold my dream wedding" because She takes the sacraments (and marriage is one) very VERY seriously.
Author DutchGuy Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 I feel the same way. Is she trying to push religion on you in other ways or does she just want the church wedding? If the issue is only about the wedding I wouldn't worry about it and let her have her dream wedding. Well, I was actually baptised myself and took first communion (don't know if that's a proper English term) and so on, more because it's a tradition around here (my parents are both atheist too). I've been an atheist ever since I knew the meaning. It just irritates me that she can't respect my beliefs and says I'm being selfish. I'm no more selfish that she is. It's not as much the wedding itself as it is the fact that "everybody" feels that I should give in because atheism would not be a real belief. She says she won't do anything else to push religion on to me, but I bet she wants the kids to be baptised and all.
IpAncA Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Your going to have to come to some sort of an agreement. That's the way it is. Sorry but this is what happends when you are with someone who is religious and your not. Conflict will occur unless you both can work through things. Where to get married isn't the only thing you'll have to deal with.
milvushina Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Well I tend to agree with your girlfriend when she says "you don't believe in anything anyway" - maybe there is a more delicate way to put it though. My husband is a pretty strong southern Baptist Christian and I'm not, I've considered myself an atheist for years. He wanted a religious aspect to our wedding. We picked out some Bible passages. "Love is patient, etc..." and he picked a minister. First person he chose was his ex-youth minister whom he remembered fondly, and the guy refused to marry couples who would not swear to being Christians When it comes to him, I'm pretty soft-hearted. I figured since I didn't have a religious preference, and he did, I would let him call the shots because it was important to him. If you are going to be with someone who treasures their religion you can't underestimate how important it is to them. You can't trivialize it.
Enema Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I think you two need to sort out the religion issue before you get married. The kids thing you should definitely come to an agreement on.
kdark Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 It's a part of being in a relationship, working things out. If you two truly care about each other, then you will come to some agreement that you can both handle. You both are going to have to make a sacrifice in order to make this work. Not just her, and not just you; BOTH. My last relationship was with a girl who broke up with me because I was Atheist, and she was a very strong Christian. But that didn't stop her from sleeping with me on the first date... I'm with you in that all people with religion have some sort of screw loose... but I'm glad to see that you two have worked things out this far when it comes to religion. This is just another obstacle that you two will be able to work through if you both truly love each other.
DanielMadr Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Is it that you dont believe in God or you just dont respect church? By God I mean at least some supreme guarantee that all this around us is not just some weird coincidence or a silly joke. You are evidently a strong young man. And you dont need assurance in your good-doing on every Sunday but you should know some people need that. They need churches, icons (blasphemy btw) and institutions. Can you take catholic wedding in church as you are or you need to convert first? If not. Then just hold your fingers crossed behind back:laugh:
quankanne Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 If you are going to be with someone who treasures their religion you can't underestimate how important it is to them. You can't trivialize it. true – even when it's marriage between people who are believers, because inevitably, there is going to be one who is going to place a stronger emphasis on his or her faith, so there are differences that will have to be worked out.
VirtualInsanity Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 A religious person w/ a non-religious person? How can the relationship work? Sounds like conflict after conflict.
belladuke97 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 As someone who has been in a relationship where there were differing spiritual beliefs (Christianity vs. Islam), I can promise you that you are heading down a road of pain if you're not on the same page. Where to have your wedding is the least of your worries. If you're going to have children, you need to decide upfront how you will handle religion with them. If she dreams of raising them in her faith, there will come a point where they will challenge her because they do not see you participating, either. If she can deal with that, fine. If not, she should really seek out a Catholic to marry. The same goes for you. Will you think your children have a "screw loose" because they choose to go to church? How will that impact your relationship with them? Sorry, but love is not enough. You have to be compatible, and a Catholic and an atheist just aren't.
Author DutchGuy Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 As someone who has been in a relationship where there were differing spiritual beliefs (Christianity vs. Islam), I can promise you that you are heading down a road of pain if you're not on the same page. Where to have your wedding is the least of your worries. If you're going to have children, you need to decide upfront how you will handle religion with them. If she dreams of raising them in her faith, there will come a point where they will challenge her because they do not see you participating, either. If she can deal with that, fine. If not, she should really seek out a Catholic to marry. The same goes for you. Will you think your children have a "screw loose" because they choose to go to church? How will that impact your relationship with them? Sorry, but love is not enough. You have to be compatible, and a Catholic and an atheist just aren't. I have no problems with telling my kids that for instance, granddad went to heaven to be with the angels and he can still see us. I would have a problem, if they were getting older (12+) and still would believe that stuff. I don't think religion is all that bad, it's just outdated. I wouldn't want to see my children or my wife to depend on a god to help them, they have to help themselves. Like normal, well-educated, enlightened people.
Author DutchGuy Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Is it that you dont believe in God or you just dont respect church? By God I mean at least some supreme guarantee that all this around us is not just some weird coincidence or a silly joke. You are evidently a strong young man. And you dont need assurance in your good-doing on every Sunday but you should know some people need that. They need churches, icons (blasphemy btw) and institutions. Can you take catholic wedding in church as you are or you need to convert first? If not. Then just hold your fingers crossed behind back:laugh: I don't believe in a personal god or higher powers. Not in faith, karma, angels, hobbits, unicorns or fortune tellers. I respect church as a tradition. In this part of the Netherlands, the south, the towns are built around the church. I don't respect church as a money making institute that tells people they go to hell if they die. I am technically still a Catholic but I doubt if our priest will marry us. In a few years I might graduate as an evolutinairy biologist and I don't think it will be even possible to find any priest that will. Why can't religion be about living properly instead of going to church, giving them money, worship some god that apperently needs to be worshipped all the time and scaring your kids with stories about hell?
burning 4 revenge Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Sorry, but love is not enough. You have to be compatible, and a Catholic and an atheist just aren't.Why? I consider myself both. I think the guy should just leave religion up to his wife. It's no big deal, although I'm sure I might get flamed from some of the passionate atheists.
boshemia Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 The way you handle this situation could very well determine your future as a married couple. I don't think you should approach it as a win/lose situation, that in itself implies that there is a loser, and losers tend to resnet the winners of a battle. Marraige is about compromise, if you can't come to some sort of 50/50 agreement here then how do you plan to handle other situations. You can't insist on getting your way and making her happy, and neither can she. You don't have to agree with her beliefs, but before you talk about getting married you should probably put a lot of thought into whether or not you can LIVE with her beliefs. These are the issues divorces are made of, and divorce is a form of torture I don't recommend even in the best of situations
lonelybird Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 If you love her, won't you want to know what is her religion, what is the ideas in it?
Author DutchGuy Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 If you love her, won't you want to know what is her religion, what is the ideas in it? The idea is that if you bring money to church, you can buy a place in heaven. The idea is that because I'm atheist, I'm an insuperior being. The idea is that there is no evolution and that science is a joke (because god cures cancer). The idea is that god has blessed her with me, yet how I got to get her is dumb luck. The idea is that god is everywhere, omnipotent and good, yet he's nowhere to be seen, doesn't do anything and ,without actions, is pretty hard to distinguish from evil. What has god done for you lately?
lonelybird Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 The idea is that if you bring money to church, you can buy a place in heaven. The idea is that because I'm atheist, I'm an insuperior being. The idea is that there is no evolution and that science is a joke (because god cures cancer). The idea is that god has blessed her with me, yet how I got to get her is dumb luck. The idea is that god is everywhere, omnipotent and good, yet he's nowhere to be seen, doesn't do anything and ,without actions, is pretty hard to distinguish from evil. What has god done for you lately? God has done for me many things, daily. Lord taught me how to break the bondages and limits of this world. He bring me FREEDOM. taught me not to live under other people' s opinions. said no when I had low self-esteem, but same said no when I looked myself higher than I really are Lord changed my charactors, and still changing me. healed me when I hurt. gave me advise when I ask Him. rebuke me when I do something wrong No, your idea to our religion is not right. You didn't even read Bible, how can you know?
Author DutchGuy Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 God has done for me many things, daily. Lord taught me how to break the bondages and limits of this world. He bring me FREEDOM. taught me not to live under other people' s opinions. said no when I had low self-esteem, but same said no when I looked myself higher than I really are Lord changed my charactors, and still changing me. healed me when I hurt. gave me advise when I ask Him. rebuke me when I do something wrong No, your idea to our religion is not right. You didn't even read Bible, how can you know? I read the Bible alright, it's 2000 year old hear-say. This is exactly the kind of crap I want to avoid, but I don't see my gf preaching about the lord at all.
lonelybird Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I read the Bible alright, it's 2000 year old hear-say. This is exactly the kind of crap I want to avoid, but I don't see my gf preaching about the lord at all. Why is it crap?
Author DutchGuy Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Why is it crap? Listen, I don't want a big discussion, I just want brief opinions to my stated problem. Saying that the lord did all these wonderful things for you is crap. I have a perfect life and count many blessings (in a non-religious way) and accomplished a lot of great things, all of 'em without god.
Citizen Erased Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I think that it is incredibly selfish of her not to accept your beliefs. If she wants you to respect hers then she should respect yours. Seriously, I think I know more people who don't believe in God then those who do. Rejecting someone as a partner based on their religion is a very antiquated notion which many ignore in todays society. NEVER let anyone push their religion on you. Your beliefs are a part of your personality and should never be changed for anyone but yourself. And this coming from a Catholic
belladuke97 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Why? I consider myself both. I think the guy should just leave religion up to his wife. It's no big deal, although I'm sure I might get flamed from some of the passionate atheists. Ok, that was the exact point of my post! It *is* a big deal. Religious beliefs have major implications on many aspects of your life. It's idealistic to think that two people that differ widely on this point will have a stress-free marriage. And, just out of curiosity, how do you consider yourself both an atheist and Catholic? (Not criticizing, I'm genuinely curious because I see those as being mutally exclusive).
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