annabelle75 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I’m new here. I’ve been reading the threads for the last couple of days and it has help me deal with the break up I just went through this weekend. I’ve been doing ok for the last two days but this morning I’m really struggling. Almost two years ago I met a guy through some friends. He lived out of state and was in town visiting. At the time I was married and it was obvious to me and all our friends that he had a crush on me. He was about seven years younger than I was (I’m 31 now), and didn’t have a lot of experience in dating or relationships. I kind of took him under my wing as a friend and gave him advice on girls and stuff like that. We became friends and his crush was a non-issue for me at least. About 6 months after we met, my marriage ended. It was very painful and I went through a very difficult time. He was very supportive but was careful not to be intrusive. For the last year and a half since my marriage ended he’s always been there for me as a friend. We talked online or by phone frequently. We even eventually started emailing each other while we were working each day. I dated other guys never considering him a possibility because of the distance and his age. Well, three months ago he asked me to give him a chance. He laid it all out for me and explained that he would be willing to move if things became serious and he was willing to put the time and effort into a long distance relationship until we reached that point. My friends convinced me I should give him a chance and I did. A week later I picked him up from the airport and we had our first official date, which lasted a week The last three months have been great for me. He was more attentive than any man I’d ever been with and the relationship felt so relaxed. We already knew everything about each other and I was falling in love with him. In three weeks I was going to be flying to were he lived and we were going to spend another week together. Last Friday he told me he had the whole trip planned and couldn’t wait for me to get there. He even was sending an email each morning counting down the days. Everything was great, I thought. This last Saturday night he called me at 1:30am and woke me up to tell me how much he missed me and that he had been out with friends but he had wished he had been with me instead. He wasn’t drunk or anything like that. It was just really sweet. I went back to sleep thinking I finally found a decent guy. He told me when I got up to call him in the morning, so I did. When I called him he sounded very different, almost as if he was annoyed that I was bothering him. So I let him go and figured I would talk to him later. When he didn’t call me later in the day I called him back and asked if everything was ok. He told me that the feelings he once had for me had faded and he didn’t see the point in us continuing to see each other. I was in shock. I still am. He was so cold about it that I couldn’t believe he was the same guy I had known for the last two years. I’m not sure what happened. I don’t know if maybe he had built me up in his head so much that once he finally had me he was disappointed or if maybe he jumped in to fast and freaked himself out. I have no clue. All I know is that I am hurting a lot. Not only did I just lose my boyfriend but I just lost a close friend. He has not called, emailed or texted me since he dumped me on Sunday. He’s just disappeared. I haven’t attempted to contact him because I have no doubt by how cold he was last time he spoke that he is really done with me. I don’t want to humiliate myself by trying to talk to him again. He told me that maybe some time in the future we could be friends again but only if I understand that we will never date again. Just thinking about what he said humiliates me. I feel really betrayed. I’m now stuck with a $400 non-refundable plane ticket. I still can’t believe this happened. I feel like an idiot. I’m just hurting a lot this morning. I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with it and how to get over him. Thanks
Author annabelle75 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 I had hoped that my struggling this morning would ease as the day went on and I focused on my work, but its just getting worse. I know I can't contact him, all it would do is upset me more but its really starting to set in that he doesn't care about me. He knows how badly he hurt me and he hasn't even checked in to see if I'm ok. He wasn't just some guy I met and started dating 3 months ago. He's been one of my closest friends for 2 years. He's the shoulder I used to cry on when I needed some support. I would understand if the break up was the result of some sort of big fight or something, but it was just him changing his mind about wanting to date me. I guess he doesn't even care about me as a friend anymore. I'm feeling really alone. How does some one just stop caring? I don't get it.
polywog Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 That's an awful story! I feel terrible for you! It just doesn't make sense how he could change within 12 hours. I feel terrible that you've lost your love and your best friend. You came to the right place, LS is filled with the most kind and compassionate people, because we've been there. I'm recovering from a broken heart myself. I'm not even sure that I can say anything to ease your hurt, except that you're in the worst part of it now and it can only get better with time. Such a cliche, I know but it's true. Go out and get some books on heartbreak, I'm sure some people will come up with good titles. I like "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", and others will have more suggestions. You have a big wound to heal from right now, so please be kind to yourself. Keep posting as much as you need.
Author annabelle75 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Thank you for your response. I just need some support to get through this. I've been trying to turn to my friends and family but they all keep telling me that they think he'll snap out of it eventually and come back to me. That isn't want I need to hear right now. Giving me hope that he is coming back is not what I need. That just makes it more difficult. From what he said to me on the phone I honestly believe he is done. I'm not giving up, I'm just being honest with myself. Even though I know its over it still hurts everytime I check my Inbox and there isn't an email from him or my phone rings and it isn't him. I'm dissapointed in myself for getting myself into another bad relationship. I'm too old to keep making the same mistakes. I thought I finally was getting it right this time.
polywog Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Thank you for your response. I just need some support to get through this. I've been trying to turn to my friends and family but they all keep telling me that they think he'll snap out of it eventually and come back to me. That isn't want I need to hear right now. Giving me hope that he is coming back is not what I need. That just makes it more difficult. From what he said to me on the phone I honestly believe he is done. I'm not giving up, I'm just being honest with myself. Even though I know its over it still hurts everytime I check my Inbox and there isn't an email from him or my phone rings and it isn't him. I'm dissapointed in myself for getting myself into another bad relationship. I'm too old to keep making the same mistakes. I thought I finally was getting it right this time. I know, my friends (and even my ex's friends & family) said the same thing to me because they could not believe he broke up with me. It fed my hope, because I couldn't believe it either. Don't be disappointed in yourself, please. You're human. We've all had those thoughts in hindsight. You just need to be really kind and tender to yourself right now. And of course you hope he'll contact you, you're in a very natural state of disbelief, part of the grieving process. Check out this helpful link: http://www.kalimunro.com/newsletter4.html And keep posting when you feel bad. This post will bring your thread back to the top, and I'll bet more people will post advice and encouragement. Hang in there, sweetie.
pelagicsands Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 This post will bring your thread back to the top, It only worked for a short while. Why was that? Anyway, whatever.
Sadcakesleo Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Maybe I shouldn't be one to give advice if you read my post but I know it makes me feel better knowing that other people feel the same way I feel and other people care on here. Its very hard but I know that in time me and you will get through it. When I find myself sad or dwelling on it I post here. Even if nobody replies I at least vented. So everytime your sad come here. It helps.
Author annabelle75 Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Thank you for the encouragement and advice. I'm trying to handle this the right way but its hard. I'm having to fight the urge to just break down and call him. I know it will just hurt more. After work I went out with one of my co-workers and had a couple of drinks. It didn't fix anything but just having some one to talk to a hang out with for a bit helped a little. If only just for a couple hours I felt a little less horrible. I guess that is what the next few weeks will be all about. Just trying to feel a little less horrible.
pelagicsands Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Just trying to feel a little less horrible. Betrayal is always a bitter pill to swallow. But don't call him. Just don't. You can't let someone treat you like that, and then get another bite at your cherry. Be thankful that you found out what he is really like - earlier, rather than later. I hope things get better soon.
johan Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I think you got involved in an immature guy. And I think you're lucky to be free of him. I know it's hard and it feels bad. But that's mostly (I think) because you are turning the pain inward and focusing it on whatever flaws you imagine you have that caused him to change so quickly. At least, that's common. If you're mourning the loss of someone worth loving and counting on as a friend, then maybe you need to dwell on the idea that what you thought was there wasn't. And you have a chance now to find someone who you really can count on.
Author annabelle75 Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 I think you got involved in an immature guy. And I think you're lucky to be free of him. I know it's hard and it feels bad. But that's mostly (I think) because you are turning the pain inward and focusing it on whatever flaws you imagine you have that caused him to change so quickly. At least, that's common. I think you hit on it right there. I think after being married to a man that lost interest in me soon after we were married, I'm starting to get a bit of a complex. This is only the second guy I have seriously tried to date since then and the last guy lost interest after only a few months too. Its starting to really take a toll on my self esteem. I think it makes what just happened even worse that this guy knew my history and insecurities and did this to me anyway. I thought I could trust him.
wlminfla Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Just an idea... You say you have a $400 non-refundable plane ticket? Can you possibly cancel that trip, take airline credit (minus administrative costs) and take a trip elsewhere? I say this because my ex (we'll just call her "rocket scientist" because she works for that space group in FL) dumped me right before I was gonna propose to her. The catch...I had us two airplane tickets to take a trip together that I had to cancel because of her "brilliant" decision making abilities. I believe the airline took off $50 per ticket but I got the rest in airline credit and believe me I'm going somewhere fun with the leftover credit. I hope you'll do the same :-)
kel30 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Aww Annabelle, sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better, I'm also 31 and situations like that keep happening to me as well. I wonder if this is a guy thing, or an American guy thing, that instead of confronting you and 'dump' you face to face, they avoid calls, emails and everything else at all costs and leave us hanging. I, too, don't understand how someone so close can turn the tables so fast without considering the other person's feelings. If you were in California, I was going to say, let's get a bunch of girls together and go out to make you feel a little better!
Ssheena Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Hi Annabelle I can only imagine how tough this must be for you and all the questions you must have. I don't understand and never will how someone can go from I love you and want to be with you to it's over/end. I would agree that he seems very immature. Relationships are work and it's obvious that he just left rather than tell you what he was thinking or feeling. Being married and getting a divorce, to be in another relationship is hard enough as it is. Maybe you could use this time to focus on yourself and figure out what you really want and need in a man. Counseling, reading books, talking with friends, posting here is all excellent advice and suggestions for you. I'm 110% sure it's not you, it's for sure his issues that caused this to end. Bests,
Author annabelle75 Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Cried a lot last night before I went to bed. Still hurting alot this morning but feeling a little less bad. I realized this morning that this is the first time I haev ever been broken up with and have remained NC afterwards. I usually break downn with in the first 24 hours and become that overly emotional ex that keeps calling and hoping he'll change his mind. I think maybe after all this time I've finally figured out it doesn't work and they never chnage their minds, at least not from my experience. I guess I'm feeling a little proud of myself for being able to just let him go. It doesn't make it hurt less but I think it will help the grieving process to pass more quickly, or at least I hope so.
polywog Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Good for you! NC is the way to get on and heal. Just post here whenever you have the urge to contact him so we can cheer you on!
Author annabelle75 Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Just being bale to post about what is happening and what i am feeling is helping. I really appreciate the support. I'm the kind of person that has a hard time leaning on friends and family when I am struggling. Even thought they try to be supportive, I know at some point they get tired of hearing me constantly going on about how hurt I am. Its good to have a place like this where you can just let it all out as often as you want and you won't be turned away. I think the hardest part for me (as well as most people I am sure) is loosing the little bits a of contact with the person you thought cared about you each day. The text messages, phone calls after work and before you went to bed at night. Its as if you are suddenly all by yourself and you don't really matter to anyone. You can only lean on your freinds so much. No one can just step in and take over the role of being your last call each night. Almost makes me wish I could hire a "surrogate" or "break up buddy" to chat with. Its hard sitting at home alone at night and not thinking about how I've talked to him almost every night for the last two years. We use to play games online, like yahoo pool, just to spend time together when we didn't feel like chatting. I can't even look at my computer at night with out feeling sick to my stomach.
Guest Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Hello I'm just needing to talk with someone and get my head clear.I'm trying to keep this short I've been dating this guy for 7 months and things had been going well till one day I told him we need some space because my feelings for my ex-bf was still there. I did make it clear to him in away, just give me a few days, but during those two weeks he slept with a girl he was talking with before meeting me and now she's pregnant. He don't want her to have the baby, but at the same time he never had anyone pregnant before. I'm not trying to take up for him, but most of it was, he never been to my place till last night after the fact of all this and my ex ringing my phone at certain times of the morning and night. I care deeply for him and just need t get some type of feed back. Thanks! K :-)
Author annabelle75 Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 I was doing alright this morning but I feel like I’m crashing right now. When he broke up with me on Sunday it caught me so completely off guard that I hardly knew what to say to him. Even though it was so out of the blue, he seemed so certain I had no indication that he would change his mind. It was really strange how he told me that he thought we could still be friends if I could understand that we are no longer together and never would be again. To be honest I was completely degraded by what he said. I told him that I wasn’t going to initiate contact to maintain the friendship. I told him that if he still cared and wanted to be friends than the ball was in his court. He told me that he’d take a few days off and talk to me again soon. I think one of the things that has made maintaining NC easier was knowing he would eventually contact me, but it has been 5 days and he hasn’t even sent a text asking how I’m doing. Considering we have rarely gone more than 24 hours over the last two years of our friendship with out talking to each other, I feel so abandoned. Last night when I got home from work I turned on my computer and as usual my yahoo messenger automatically signed me in. About 1 minute after I signed in, he signed off. I could see on another messenger list that he must have forgotten we used once that he was still on line but he had just signed off of the one we used to talk on every night. It really hurt. I’ve left him alone and haven’t even attempted to contact him and he feels the need to hide from me. What did I do to deserve that? Why would he suddenly just assume I would become needy and pathetic? I was never that way in the relationship. Nothing make sense to me right now. My gut is telling me to just write him off and assume I’ll never hear from him again, but I’m stuck with the dilemma of the non-refundable plane tickets. I don’t have a lot of extra money (I’m a single mom) and about three weeks ago when he asked me to come out and visit him I told him I just couldn’t afford it. He convinced me to go ahead and spend the $400 for the tickets and that he would pay me back for half when I got there and cover all expenses while I was there. Otherwise I would not have bought them. I can only get a credit now with the airline and since they only fly to the east coast I have no other use for them. I don’t know anyone back east and I have no desire to go there. Even if I did, I only bought the tickets under the promise that he would be paying me back for part of them. When we talked on Sunday I asked him about the tickets and he said that he thought it was fair if he still paid me back for part of it, although to be honest I think he should pay me back the full amount. He begged me to buy them in the first place and then canceled the trip two weeks later. I assumed we would discuss this more when he contacted me again, but now it seems he is going out of his way to avoid me. At some point I am afraid I am going to have to contact him. I know some people may say that I should consider the money a loss, but I can’t do that. I need the money and he knows it. He has put me in a very unfair and cruel position. I really don’t know what to do right now.
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 annabelle, this is really terrible. I can relate regarding the talking to each other everyday and feeling abandoned. When I first read this I wondered if he met someone else, either earlier on or that night out with his buddies? Or maybe he realized he's gay? It's just such a drastic change. He's so not worth your time or your tears. Trust me, only time will make it better, just try to stay occupied, I know it's hard but it's all we can do at times like these. He does not deserve you, he's scum.
Author annabelle75 Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 annabelle, this is really terrible. I can relate regarding the talking to each other everyday and feeling abandoned. When I first read this I wondered if he met someone else, either earlier on or that night out with his buddies? Or maybe he realized he's gay? It's just such a drastic change. He's so not worth your time or your tears. Trust me, only time will make it better, just try to stay occupied, I know it's hard but it's all we can do at times like these. He does not deserve you, he's scum. I know in my head that I didn't deserve this and I did nothing wrong, but it doesn't make th epain any less. I really though I was making the right choices this time. One of the things I left out of my original story was that he was a virgin. I was the first girl he ever slept with. I'm 31 and he is 24. I told him when we were just freinds and he was pushing for more that his inexperince in relationships and age was an issue for me. He assured me over and over that he was serious about me and would do anything to make a relationship work. I'm starting to think that maybe he was just really infatuated with me and had kind of idealized me in his head. Maybe the reality of us actually being in a relationship was dissapointing and the infatuation faded. No matter what the reaosn it doesn't chnage the fact that I was falling in love with him and now I'm just feeling so hurt.
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I know in my head that I didn't deserve this and I did nothing wrong, but it doesn't make th epain any less. I really though I was making the right choices this time. One of the things I left out of my original story was that he was a virgin. I was the first girl he ever slept with. I'm 31 and he is 24. I told him when we were just freinds and he was pushing for more that his inexperince in relationships and age was an issue for me. He assured me over and over that he was serious about me and would do anything to make a relationship work. I'm starting to think that maybe he was just really infatuated with me and had kind of idealized me in his head. Maybe the reality of us actually being in a relationship was dissapointing and the infatuation faded. No matter what the reaosn it doesn't chnage the fact that I was falling in love with him and now I'm just feeling so hurt. I think it's very possible it was an infatuation and he's not ready for a real relationship and finally had the nerve to say something, though he could have found a gentler way and could check that you're doing ok. I understand you're in pain, I came to LS for the same reason, I'm dealing with a lot of similar pain and find reading the advice given here to be very helpful, I've yet to post my own thread regarding my situation, don't have the nerve yet. You're making a step in the right direction and good for you being able to keep NC! That's the hardest part!
Author annabelle75 Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 I BROKE NC. After having a long talk with my boss (and close friend who met him), I decided to send him an email about the money he owes me for the tickets. My boss asked me why I was maintaining NC and I told her because I knew it was over and I didn’t want to be the pathetic girl that won’t let go. She told me as long as I understood that he wasn’t coming back to me, I needed to contact him about the tickets. As long as that issue remained, I wasn’t going to be able to just let go and move on. She said 5 days was long enough to wait for him I sent a very short polite email just telling him how much the tickets cost and giving him an address to mail a check to, incase he didn’t already have it. It was very short and to the point. I wrote in a way that it did not require a response Five minutes later, I got this response “I was gonna give it a week or so to let some time pass and talk to you on Monday and get this all straightened out with the ticket. No problem with bothering me and I told you I wasn't just gonna disappear. I'll have a check in the mail to you by the end of the month. Hope things are going well with your lip.” The last line is referring to the fact that he dumped me two days after my third surgery in two weeks to remove a cyst in my lip. I was at home recovering when he dumped me I’m glad he intends to pay me for the tickets, but it doesn’t make me any less mad at him or hurt. Now that this issue has been dealt with I am going back on NC. I’m not responding back to him. If he wishes to speak to me in the future, he can make the effort to approach me. I’m just gonna suck it up and keep doing what I have been doing. Wish it all didn’t hurt so much.
noematicSinn Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Just wanted to say my girlfriend asked for a break from our 3 yr relationship on Sunday night as well. I didn't see it coming, she was everything to me, and I've been a complete mess since. I'm not sure which is worse, your case where you were clearly told, "its over" or mine, "I need time to think about what I want, I've changed". She was supposed to come home tomorrow from being away for 4 months taking classes across the country, she wouldn't even tell me if she was coming home or whether she was staying put. just take it day by day, hour by hour, thats all I've been able to do. Love yourself, and get outside for a walk or run, I've been running my pain away, or at least my knees, but for those few glorious hours afterwards, I'm so tired I have no energy to think about her and helps a little. On the upside, I'm getting totally ripped and if she doesn't take me back, the next girl will get a smoking deal!
Author annabelle75 Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 On the upside, I'm getting totally ripped and if she doesn't take me back, the next girl will get a smoking deal! hee hee. Whenver I go through a break up I get depressed and barely eat. Its kind of a habit. I told a freind earlier today that in about three weeks I am gonna look way hot. Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Just hang in there.
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