El-Producto Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 In an effort to try to understand my WW's recent affair and behaviour, I'm looking for people who have had affairs on their spouses. Do you ever feel guilt when you are having the A? And why doesn't that cause you to stop what you are doing? Why can't you break off the relationship even when you know that it is causing so much pain to your spouse? When does it become clear that what you are doing is wrong, and how do you deal with those feelings? Thanks in advance.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I'll take a trip back in time to my cheater days and see if I can answer these. Understand that there are two ways this can go. You have the cakeperson - who cheats but intends to stay married, and you have the exit-affair person who doensn't want to stay married and cheats to get out of the marriage. Each will have slightly different answers. Do you ever feel guilt when you are having the A? And why doesn't that cause you to stop what you are doing? Why can't you break off the relationship even when you know that it is causing so much pain to your spouse? When does it become clear that what you are doing is wrong, and how do you deal with those feelings? 1. Not as long as I wasn't getting caught. I would feel bad knowing that I was doing something behind his back, but as long as I was getting away with it - that bad feeling wasn't enough to cancel out the good feelings from the affair. There is almost a sense of denial - a whole lot of "what they don't know won't hurt them" rationaliziation going on. You rationalize it this way: after all is said and done, you will come back to H/W so what is the harm of taking a side path for a while? Exit Affair: There are feelings of guilt in doing something like that to someone you once loved, but the marriage is over - the Wayward has found happiness with someone else, and no amount of guilt is going to take that away. 2. Here is where it gets tricky. Affairs don't end for altruistic reasons - they rarely if ever end because the W person "sees the light". Nor will it usually end simply because "you know it will hurt the spouse". If the affair ends, its because: The OW/OM ended it. The OW/OM started putting the pressure on to leave, when the Wayward doesn't intend to, so the Wayward ends it (usually how they end). The BS finds out, and takes proactive steps to end the affair (exposure, etc) - or at the very least the Wayward suspects that the BS is onto them. Only when one of these happens, and the shine wears off the affair does the fog clear and the guilt set in. The Wayward comes back after the affair is over, and wants to work things out with the H/W becauase they realize that what they have with the H/W is safe, secure, comforting, familiar, etc. A lot of times, there is relief that the OW/OM is gone from thier lives. As much as a Wayward "loves" the OW/OM there is a deep hidden resentment for them at the same time for representing a disruption to the normal order of things. Sort of like how a crack addict resents crack. Don't like the crack and how it destroys your life even though it makes you feel great? Put down the crackpipe. Wish it were that easy, eh? Now, a lot of this isn't applicable for those Waywards having the 'exit affair' - which is the affair they have which extricates them from a marriage they want to leave anyway. When someone wants to leave the marriage, and they have an affair - pretty much nothing will bring them back. The only thing I can think of is if they come back after being subjected to emotional blackmail, or have the threat of "you'll never see your children again" held over their heads. Sometimes, the Wayward will leave anyway in that case - simply find that holding onto the old life simply isn't worth it, so they abandon the family, the children, etc. and go off with the OM/OW to start over again. 3. The only time it becomes truly clear that what you are doing is wrong, is unfortunately in hindsight, if the affair ends (if indeed you even see it as 'wrong' - the person in the exit affair usually won't see it as wrong at all). As long as the affair is going, and you are getting your 'fix' from it, it will outweigh the guilt and shame of what you are doing. When that 'fix' ends, then the guilt and shame wash in on you (excluding narcissists and sociopaths, who never feel guilt/shame/etc.) As time goes by, and the affair virus works its way out of your system, you begin to really look at what it is you have, and what you could have lost and you find yourself wanting to repair it and recapture what it is that led you to get married in the first place. It is a feeling of 'coming home', in a sense. How to deal with those feelings? It is a painful process. The BS wants you to discuss something that you have already put behind you, and wants you to talk about the feelings you had for the OW/OM when you have already put those feelings behind you. A lot of times all you want to do is shut the door on it, and move on without a backward glance. A person who isn't a 'cakeperson' who slips up and has an affair a lot of times won't repeat that mistake again. A cakeperson will repeat it for as long as he can get away with it. An exit affair person will simply leave altogether.
Hard2Think Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 1) Yeah, I'd feel tremendous guilt after having been with the OW, but I can't remember feeling that way during. The guilt may have made me decide to quit the affair - but nor with any resolve. It's like a fat guy resolving to diet just after he ate 4 burritos. In time, I'd forget my feelings of guilt and I just wanted more of OW. 2) I did break it off with OW a few times becaise I wanted the peace of mind that comes from being in the straight and narrow path again. In part it was the guilt. Another part was the fear of getting caught. But W did not know at the time - so your question of why did I do it while it caused her pain doesn't apply. She didn't feel any pain until after she found out. 3) It's clear from day one. I dealt with it by compartmentalizing. I rarely thought about what I was doing while I was with my wife. I rarely thought about my standing as a family guy while I was with OW.
Hard2Think Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Yep, that's a great description! Only when one of these happens, and the shine wears off the affair does the fog clear and the guilt set in. The Wayward comes back after the affair is over, and wants to work things out with the H/W becauase they realize that what they have with the H/W is safe, secure, comforting, familiar, etc. A lot of times, there is relief that the OW/OM is gone from thier lives. As much as a Wayward "loves" the OW/OM there is a deep hidden resentment for them at the same time for representing a disruption to the normal order of things. Sort of like how a crack addict resents crack. Don't like the crack and how it destroys your life even though it makes you feel great? Put down the crackpipe. Wish it were that easy, eh?
Herzen Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 LB, your post was spot on. More than 3 years ago I ended my love affair with a married woman, and mother of very young children. We were colleagues first, then lovers and then not. Although our love affair lasted about 4 years, the MW never exited her marriage. She maintained her marriage.I assume her husband still does not know. (I've not seen or spoken to the MW for over 2 years). I exited my dead marriage. I'm now comfortably single, and I'll never again consort with a married woman. Take a look on MSNBC.com, which has the results of the MSNBC.com/iVillage infidelity survey: "Cheating hearts: Who's doing it and why." The survey's results should not be surprising to regular readers of LS's infidelity forums.
FireandIce Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Here's the direct link to the MSNBC.com article that Herzen was talking about. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664/ I just started reading LS about 6 weeks ago but I'm not surprised by the results. I am surprised that the numbers haven't increased in over 10 years though. Like they said "I thought everyone was doing it". Seems like the case around my area.
new_stella Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 LucreziaBorgia, I am totally impressed by your post. You’ve managed to describe the anatomy and the drivers of the affair very accurately and concisely.
smartgirl Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 LB - your post is impressive and dead on from the way my WS described his feelings to me. He did suffer guilt which caused some ED problems with her and with me. He also broke it off several times - but the crack analogy is exactly right, he could not stop going back. Even after they stopped having sex, he was still seeing her and calling her constantly. I don't know how long it would have taken him to stop altogether if I hadn't found out. He described all his thinking during the A as distorted or like being in a fog. He didn't think about the negative things and rationalized others. The "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" idea was most prevalent. Of course, being in the fog, he didn't realize how neglected I felt emotionally and sexually. Over the year since I found out, he has continued to see the A with greater perspective. His primary feeling now is deep shame and sadness for the pain he caused us all. Do some reading - get "After the Affair" by Janet Springs Abrams. It gave me a lot of perspective and my H as well.
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