Why be friends w/ the EX(s)?

[oppath]

I've never maintained a friendship with an ex...some girls I have dated have remained friends, but it never got serious enough to the point where one person wanted more, or the breakup was bad with those girls.

 

My recent ex...part of me would very much like to be friends with her -- or at least friendly with her --because our social circles intersect. But how the breakup went down and the reasons I was given (I was obviously being lied to), I was pissed. It was a shocker. Then she asked to be FWB two weeks later. Heartbroken, I was crass in my response (though not critical; it is impossible to rationally respond to something like that when you are heartbroken; you can't be polite). Her response was "I was just joking."

 

That alone should be someone NOT on my friends list. Friends should be empathetic enough not to say anything potentially hurtful to someone when they are vulnerable, and if they do, and the other person acts upset, they should say "I'm sorry."

 

But she also didn't tell me her EX-BF proposed to her 2 weeks before she dumped me. I'm told it had nothing to do with the breakup. I went ape**** on her for it and I'm the bad guy. We can't be friends because I've been ostracized. Someone, I did all the damage and burned bridges. Really, it is dumb.

 

(1) No way should I want to be friends with someone who did what she did to me. But I do.

(2) She did the damage. When someone is hurt and vulnerable they will probably say hurtful things in the moment when they are blindsided. It just happens. We've all been there. She couldn't acknowledge my apology or take a share of the responsibility.

 

Yet, I would like to be friends with her. It's crazy. Really, I suppose I want her to acknowledge that it is ok how I reacted and that she forgives me -- but she won't do this. Another reason not to be friends.

 

I suppose my feelings are that she made some stupid mistakes, big ones, but she didn't know how they would affect me. I reacted strongly. Depending on reference, I overreacted. It should be easy to drop egos and hug it out. But she's not willing to do it. All I really want is for us to be friendly with each other when we see each other.

 

My rant aside, friendships with ex's are tough. If you can do it, great, but sometimes we have to learn (myself included) to just let things go.

[monkey00]

As some people already mentioned i think it has to do with the situation of the breakup and how/why it went down.

 

Im still friends with the ex, what we had was short-term but we connected in so many ways. I think the reason why we're still close friends is because of how much we have in common and that we're both single, and i guess that chemistry/trust is and always will be there. Although i dont know if things would quite be the same if either one of us got into a relationship with someone.

 

But I think the reason why it works is because we became friends during the time that we were together.

[manders0724]

IMO i think it depends on the circumstances. For example, if both of you are mature and neither wants more (how can u be sure?) than friendship, then id say okay. however, if you do want whats best for them (if you are still friends) and are getting in the way of your ex's present relationship, you should definately back off. if you really did care you would let them go and have a chance to be happy with someone else.

 

I personally dont like my boyfriend talkin to most of the ppl hes slept with or dated long term. especially when they cause problems in our relationship. but i do agree. it really does depend on the circumstances

[Trialbyfire]

I'm still friends with every one of my exes, except the cheater.

 

Hmmm...I sense some continuity in this thread...

[DOA]

I can understand how everyone says "it depends on the circumstances", but for me, if the ex in talk is someone they had slept with, no matter how short or long the relationship, then I cannot deal with that.

 

I've done "case of the ex" before, and I will NEVER, EVER do it again. What a disaster. I should have gone with my gut feeling all along.

 

I find it unacceptable if I find my bf lies to me about contact with the ex when I've made it VERY clear how I feel about the situation.

[nicki]

Yeah, no exes unless it's an ex spouse one has children with. Then a friendship, if possible, is a good thing.

 

Otherwise, exes just mess up relationships. I don't care what anyone says, I won't ever get involved with another guy who stays "buds" with an ex.

 

Saying "Hi" if they run into each other? That's okay. Calling regularly to chat? Nope, not cool.

 

But, if my ex was close to my parents, I'd call and let him know that one of them had died. That's just respectful. It doesn't mean that I would pick him up at the airport and cry on his shoulder at the funeral. Nor does it mean that I resume contact with him in the form of weekly calls to tell each other about our daily life.

 

That's what a boyfriend is for. And what same sex friends are for.

 

Most of my guy friends/exes would jump at the chance to screw. Sorry, but it always seems that way. I don't think sexual tension can exist in a true friendship. If it's there, then it's called unrequited love (or lust.)

 

And who wants to figure out if it exists with a SO's ex?

[SouthernT]

Spin off from "Girls & Ex's" has me thinking. Why be friends w/ EX's?

 

What's done is done. I've never wanted anything to do w/ them. There an ex for a reason.

 

I understand why some do & I believe it has to do w/ not letting go but other than that, can't think of a reason to have contact.

 

I've read lots of threads of "EX" getting in the way & from my view, the way to go is to shut the door & and move on w/out them.

 

In my situation, my ex and I were highschool and college sweethearts. So there is a bond there that will never be broken. He's not only my ex, but he is my BEST friend. And I think it would be a terrible thing to not have a "friend" in your boyfriend/girlfriend. We are the closest of friends now because neither one of us wants the other in a romantic way anymore. In other words, I can be friends with him in that way because our relatioship has already run its course and I understand now, that we were NOT meant to be together and I have accepted this and so has he. There are no expectations. I talk to him and get advice about the guys I meet and he talks about his girlfriend and the baby thats on the way. And it really just like two friends catching up. Now on the other hand, I do NOT agree with being friends with an ex if one of the two people involved STILL has feelings. THEN it becomes a problem.

[VirtualInsanity]

My rant aside, friendships with ex's are tough. If you can do it, great, but sometimes we have to learn (myself included) to just let things go.

 

Time to move on.

 

I can understand how everyone says "it depends on the circumstances", but for me, if the ex in talk is someone they had slept with, no matter how short or long the relationship, then I cannot deal with that.

 

I've done "case of the ex" before, and I will NEVER, EVER do it again. What a disaster. I should have gone with my gut feeling all along.

 

I find it unacceptable if I find my bf lies to me about contact with the ex when I've made it VERY clear how I feel about the situation.

 

Unacceptable to me too.

 

In my situation, my ex and I were highschool and college sweethearts. So there is a bond there that will never be broken. He's not only my ex, but he is my BEST friend. And I think it would be a terrible thing to not have a "friend" in your boyfriend/girlfriend. We are the closest of friends now because neither one of us wants the other in a romantic way anymore. In other words, I can be friends with him in that way because our relatioship has already run its course and I understand now, that we were NOT meant to be together and I have accepted this and so has he. There are no expectations. I talk to him and get advice about the guys I meet and he talks about his girlfriend and the baby thats on the way. And it really just like two friends catching up. Now on the other hand, I do NOT agree with being friends with an ex if one of the two people involved STILL has feelings. THEN it becomes a problem.

 

Yes it does.

 

Sorry SouthernT but that would make me uncomfortable knowing my bf's best friend is a girl that isn't me. I would always feel second.

[Spoonandfork22]

my current SO, im sure some have read my threads, tried to convince me him and the girl he was sleeping with (they never dated, but were on and off for about a year) before me were just 'friends'. i on the other hand had women's intuition and knew she was trying to scam him into dumping me and continuing the bull**** he had with her.

 

we fought about it, A LOT. and thankfully karma helped me out when i needed it b.c. she talked to me one day telling me how sorry she was that i thought her intentions were diff, etc. etc and saying how she felt nothing anymore for my boyfriend.....two days later she calls him telling him "i told your gf i didnt like you anymore, but i lied" and poured her heart out to him! he FINALLY SAW what i was talking about and dropped her out of his life. i hope i never have to deal w. that sitaution again. im sorry guys, but sometimes you are stupid to think that you can just be friends with a girl. we are very VERY sneaky and i feel sorry for other girls who are going through what i already have because it was HELL.

 

 

so.....i believe ex's can be friends WITH BOUNDARIES. i am friends w. most of my ex's but i talk to them sparingly. once every few months. and its not because they dont mean something to me, its because i have moved on and i have a life and so do they. also, in my case, i believe if the ex is meddling she isnt truly a friend anyway. b.c. a friend would want to see you happy, not try to sabotage you.

 

trust in a relationship is key, sure. but other people's motives in a friendship are very important too. and i believe that even though ex's can be friends, i think it takes YEARS to get to that level. other than that, someone's usually trying to scheme and get more out of it.

[justagirlforever]

and i believe that even though ex's can be friends, i think it takes YEARS to get to that level. other than that, someone's usually trying to scheme and get more out of it.

That's individual. It's only ever taken me a few months. Again, if the situation is right to be friends - you can only do so and be that if both parties have let go and dealt with it. It's never yet taken me more than a few moths to deal with it (the end of a romantic relationship), let go and be done and dusted completely. So it may take you years, others may never get there and others may take months.

[woodyman]

A lot of the replies seem to be the feelings between the girl and boy who are ex's of each other.

 

It was said earlier:

 

Zero, zilch, zip negative feelings on any level left. But perhaps it was a long time coming, don't know.

 

This is all very good and completely honest. But the hardest thing must be to portray this to the person that you may now be involved with. I am of course talking about my situation, where my girlfriend has tried to tell me this same thing.

 

But, if you have seen my most recent post in the mothership to this new thread, you will see that dropping a letter off and talking to his younger sister about whether he is home...I might (tell me if I am being toooo upset), but I might have reason to not trust the whole Zero, Zilch, Zip feelings for him from her side.

 

PS: (I might have interpreted that quote wrongly)

[VirtualInsanity]

But the hardest thing must be to portray this to the person that you may now be involved with. I am of course talking about my situation, where my girlfriend has tried to tell me this same thing.

 

Know what u mean.

 

I'm between not wanting them to be an issue & not sounding controlling.

[justagirlforever]

I might (tell me if I am being toooo upset), but I might have reason to not trust the whole Zero, Zilch, Zip feelings for him from her side.

 

PS: (I might have interpreted that quote wrongly)

Going back to your previous thread - it's her behavior that will tell you.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Is she understanding and sensitive to your feelings? Does she behave with her ex like she would with any of her other friends? No, you're not being too upset - far from it. You seem to be too lenient under these specific circumstances - but only you will really know. And this comes from someone who's extremely lenient, understanding and giving. Do not let yourself fall into a position of being (ab)used - however little or strongly emotionally.

 

Ps: no, you did not interpret that quote wrongly

[woodyman]

It has become very very clear to her that I will not hang around him whatsoever, he has been away in Africa since the New Year...now he is back.

 

What happens in this next few weeks/month or so, will determine what I do, or indeed she decides to do. I had wondered for a long time whether I was a rebound to him, but maybe after a year and half of being together I had fallen out of thinking that.

 

It just seems to me sometimes that she is more worried about keeping his friendship than about how I feel.

 

The biggest example I can give is the fact that she has before, a couple of times, told him that she doesn't want any contact with him, after we had talked and to make me feel better and happier with the whole situation...but we are still in this situation where HE is still in the sodding picture. I am getting close to tears sometimes.

[JimJ]

How would you go about dealing with a partner who still sees their ex out of pity?

 

This is basically the reason my girl still has contact with her ex, even though i can't stand it and she knows that. She won't even tell him that she's moved on and found someone else out of fear of hurting him.

 

They've been broken up since Oct/Nov last year and her and i went straight into a relationship. I know it's sounds like a rebound type situation but it's not because we knew eachother before she broke up with him and things between them had been bad for a long time before i came into the picture.

 

Anyway he asked her over around valentines but she was seeing me. She didn't go into detail when she told him she couldn't see her, only that she had a date. He reacted badly to this and was very bitter towards her. He eventually apologised and they still maintain contact.

 

I feel like what i have with her will never be 100% so long as her ex is in the picture.

[norajane]

I'm between not wanting them to be an issue & not sounding controlling.

 

Many a gf/bf has wanted to avoid being controlling and only ended up giving them room to cheat.

 

It's not controlling to ask that he dial back on the 'friendship' out of respect for your feelings. If he won't, then he's telling you his wants and her friendship take precedence over your relationship. There's no reason he has to be so friendly with his ex that it makes you uncomfortable and anxious.

[Trialbyfire]

Many a gf/bf has wanted to avoid being controlling and only ended up giving them room to cheat.

 

How true is this statement and not only in a gf/bf situation but SOs in general.

 

The difficulty is, do we want to be someone's mother or keeper? I know you don't want this nj and neither do I. I wish I had the answers.

[Guest]

I hate situations with the ex.

 

I don't know what is too much freedom, and what is too much restriction.

 

Too much freedom - they cheat.

Too much restriction - they dump you.

 

Why can't exs just get lost?!

 

*sigh*

[norajane]

How true is this statement and not only in a gf/bf situation but SOs in general.

 

The difficulty is, do we want to be someone's mother or keeper? I know you don't want this nj and neither do I. I wish I had the answers.

 

No, I don't want to be anyone's keeper or mother. I want to trust in their integrity and loyalty to me. I want to believe our relationship is more important to his happiness than a selfish need. I want to believe a friend is just a friend without anxiety as to what might happen.

 

There are men like that. Many of them. I just got a new job and the company sent us on a two-day 'team building' retreat. One of our getting to know each other activities had us asking each other questions about who you'd take on a deserted island, if you could travel anywhere back in time to a significant moment what would you choose, if you could be anywhere right now where would you be...that kind of stuff. To a man, those gentlemen replied with things like: my wife, the day we got married, the day my son was born, the day I met my girfriend, I'd be home with my wife, my wife, my girlfriend, my wife, my girfriend, my family....

 

THAT's what I want: a man who THINKS and BELIEVES and GENUINELY IS like that, a man who puts US first.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I don't want to be anyone's keeper or mother. I want to trust in their integrity and loyalty to me. I want to believe our relationship is more important to his happiness than a selfish need. I want to believe a friend is just a friend without anxiety as to what might happen.

 

There are men like that. Many of them. I just got a new job and the company sent us on a two-day 'team building' retreat. One of our getting to know each other activities had us asking each other questions about who you'd take on a deserted island, if you could travel anywhere back in time to a significant moment what would you choose, if you could be anywhere right now where would you be...that kind of stuff. To a man, those gentlemen replied with things like: my wife, the day we got married, the day my son was born, the day I met my girfriend, I'd be home with my wife, my wife, my girlfriend, my wife, my girfriend, my family....

 

THAT's what I want: a man who THINKS and BELIEVES and GENUINELY IS like that, a man who puts US first.

I couldn't agree with you more. Someone who does this willingly and doesn't believe he's a martyr for having to sacrifice personal freedoms. A true gift of love and a true man.

[justagirlforever]

Many a gf/bf has wanted to avoid being controlling and only ended up giving them room to cheat.

 

It's not controlling to ask that he dial back on the 'friendship' out of respect for your feelings. If he won't, then he's telling you his wants and her friendship take precedence over your relationship. There's no reason he has to be so friendly with his ex that it makes you uncomfortable and anxious.

But norajane - should we really be that controlling and seemingly insecure to guard what the other might think, feel and eventually potentially do?

 

Of course and by all means make clear what we feel - but to then go a step further and do everything possible to prevent the other person from being in a position where they might cheat? Nope absolutely not - I refuse to do that. If someone wants to cheat - go ahead and watch me leave. Simple as that. But I'm not bodyguarding someone's emotions and actions. And to protect myself by protecting another makes the world far too complicated.

[norajane]

But norajane - should we really be that controlling and seemingly insecure to guard what the other might think, feel and eventually potentially do?

 

Of course and by all means make clear what we feel - but to then go a step further and do everything possible to prevent the other person from being in a position where they might cheat? Nope absolutely not - I refuse to do that. If someone wants to cheat - go ahead and watch me leave. Simple as that. But I'm not bodyguarding someone's emotions and actions. And to protect myself by protecting another makes the world far too complicated.

 

No, as I said, I don't want to be anyone's mother or controlling girlfriend or conscience. But if a relationship he has with an ex makes me uncomfortable and anxious because I believe it is too close, too friendly, too boundary-amorphous, yes, I will ask him to dial it back out of respect for me and our relationship. If he is spending all this quality time with her and talking to her, he is taking away from our time together, and the intimacy we might develop since he is giving so much of himself to that relationship. If he can't see that or respect my concerns, then he is placing that relationship as more significant that ours and preventing ours from developing into what it would if he didn't have another woman that he gives his time, his emotions, and his thoughts to.

 

If he won't do that, then yep, I have a choice to make as to whether I stay with him or not. I just made that choice a month ago to walk away from someone who refused to chill out even a little with his ex - and I do not regret it at all. If he needs that relationship so badly, he's free to have it. He just won't have me too.

[justagirlforever]

No, as I said, I don't want to be anyone's mother or controlling girlfriend or conscience. But if a relationship he has with an ex makes me uncomfortable and anxious because I believe it is too close, too friendly, too boundary-amorphous, yes, I will ask him to dial it back out of respect for me and our relationship. If he is spending all this quality time with her and talking to her, he is taking away from our time together, and the intimacy we might develop since he is giving so much of himself to that relationship. If he can't see that or respect my concerns, then he is placing that relationship as more significant that ours and preventing ours from developing into what it would if he didn't have another woman that he gives his time, his emotions, and his thoughts to.

 

Totally understand and agree

[VirtualInsanity]

Many a gf/bf has wanted to avoid being controlling and only ended up giving them room to cheat.

 

It's not controlling to ask that he dial back on the 'friendship' out of respect for your feelings. If he won't, then he's telling you his wants and her friendship take precedence over your relationship. There's no reason he has to be so friendly with his ex that it makes you uncomfortable and anxious.

 

Yes but the guy comes back saying, "don't you trust me?"

 

If you do then you have to trust him enough to not do anything stupid right? I don't like having to answer the question.

 

Take my EX, he had girls all over. Chatted on IMs, e-mails, in person, ect...list goes on. I didn't like it because they liked him "more then friends."

 

I couldn't tell him to now be friends w/ anyone w/out sounding controlling.

 

I know to many people who r friends w/ ex's/girls. What am I suppost to do, not date them? Put restrictions? Tell them they must stop all contact when them? Doesn't seem fair because the relationship might not last & I made him end friendships.

 

It's confusing.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes but the guy comes back saying, "don't you trust me?"

 

If you do then you have to trust him enough to not do anything stupid right? I don't like having to answer the question.

 

Take my EX, he had girls all over. Chatted on IMs, e-mails, in person, ect...list goes on. I didn't like it because they liked him "more then friends."

 

I couldn't tell him to now be friends w/ anyone w/out sounding controlling.

 

I know to many people who r friends w/ ex's/girls. What am I suppost to do, not date them? Put restrictions? Tell them they must stop all contact when them? Doesn't seem fair because the relationship might not last & I made him end friendships.

 

It's confusing.

Listen to your gut. Your ex sounds like the type of guy who enjoyed the ego stroking of having multiple women wanting him. You'll find that many of these guys have self-esteem issues and are only biding their time before they "trade up" or go beyond the boundaries of what's decent.

 

Consider yourself lucky that you got away.