I suspect my partner is unfaithful.

[Loman]

Hi everybody, this is my first post here. I'm 26 years old.

 

I've been living with my girlfriend for 6 years now, we never got officially married but have been living as such.

 

Our relationship was never really "healthy", I've rarely seen her as the woman of my life, but for some reason I've never had the courage to let go of her, maybe for fear of being lonely, and my tendency to avoid conflicts. She isn't very "mentally stable".

 

Anyway, the reason I'm writing now is that I'm very suspicious that she's being unfaithful to me. It started about 2 months ago, she said she met these new friends, and has been spending much time with them. She has 2 free days per week, and since then has spent about one of those days per week with "them". Before this, she rarely ever spent her free time with anyone but me.

 

She leaves in the morning, is very vague about when she will come back, and only returns by nightfall. She has been more distant, and doesn't seem to want to do things with me anymore. She sometimes smells differently when she comes home. Takes a shower shortly after returning, sooner than usual. She's been exchanging a lot of mobile messages, but doesn't let me see them, and doesn't talk about it. If I ask her about the messages she says that's none of my business.

 

She says she has the need to be with new people, make new friends. We were not very social, we tended to spend almost all our free time together. She's says she's bored with her live.

 

I suppose that all these signs are a very strong indicator that she may be cheating on me, right? The problem now is that I don't know what to do. I don't tolerate infidelity, if she is really cheating on me the relationship is over for me. I want to find out the truth. I want to know how I should confront her (like I said I don't like confrontations, though in this case I feel the urge to do so). She handles accusations very badly, and I'm afraid of her reaction. If I find out she's really cheating, I want things to go as smoothly as possible. This is making be feel extremely bad Any opinions are very appreciated. Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

This might be your opportunity to end the relationship. You don't seem happy with her to begin with, (like you've 'settled', and that's not good) and your gut is telling you something is UP.

 

If she has chosen to cheat on you, she needs to suffer the consquences of her actions.

 

Or, your other option is, don't let her know that you know she's cheating on you and just tell her you're not happy and you want out.

 

You say she's mentally unstable and you're scared of her reaction? What do you think she'll do/say if you confront her?

[michelangelo]

If she doesn't normally take a shower after being gone all day and she hasn't taken up some strenously recreational pursuit, then the only reason she is showering is to get the sex smell off of her before being around you much.

 

I think she is cheating.

 

BTW, have you met any of these new friends?

[Loman]

Thank you for the responses. whichwayisup, you're right, this is a good chance to end a relationship I wasn't satisfied with. But as you probably noticed, breaking up with her scares me. There are other issues, like paying my apartment alone, and I worry about were she would go if I "kicked her out", I don't think she has anywhere to go (she has a bad relationship with her parents).

 

On other occasions when I confronted her, she could get in a very depressive state, get violent (throw things around, hit herself), and a bit suicidal. Though, she seems to be a bit "calmer" now, maybe because of the new relationship(s).

 

michelangelo, no, I haven't met her new friends, she only said that someday she could maybe invite them over for dinner. I'm not sure I want to meet them anyway...

 

EDIT: She usually takes a shower everyday around midnight. But when she comes back from her day out, she seems to take her shower sooner, around 10 P.M., about 30 minutes after returning.

[michelangelo]

 

michelangelo, no, I haven't met her new friends, she only said that someday she could maybe invite them over for dinner. I'm not sure I want to meet them anyway...

 

If I were you, I'd want to meet these new friends (if indeed that is what it is), just to see what is going on in my girlfriend's life. On the other hand, if the new friends is really some guy she's banging, I wouldn't want to either.

 

I would like to see if they were real and would definitely call her bluff if it turns out to really be some guy she's nailing.

[jmargel]

Don't accuse her but I would have a heart to heart talk with her. Just tell her that you feel the communication between you two is off and that you wanted to know what her intentions are with you.

 

That you feel uncomfortable about this situation where she goes off by herself, you haven't even met these people and that you noticed she has become easily defensive when you ask questions about them.

 

You also have to do some soul searching on what you have/have not been doing in this relationship. You came to us with your problem but it was both of you, who allowed this relationship to get to this point.

[Art_Critic]

If you have been living with her for 6 years as your GF and haven't gotten engaged then she is most likely looking elsewhere..

 

In the beginning she most likely thought that the relationship would make it's way toward marriage within a few years and since it hasn't and by the sounds of it it won't then she has decided to pursue interests elsewhere behind your back.

 

I am of course guessing..and it might NOT be that bad.. but....

If she isn't the woman of your dreams and you know that then you need to end the relationship with her..

 

I say you have have a "Where is this relationship going" talk with her and see where her head is at so you know how to plan your future from this point forward.

[VirtualInsanity]

I say you have have a "Where is this relationship going" talk with her and see where her head is at so you know how to plan your future from this point forward.

 

Good idea.

 

She leaves in the morning, is very vague about when she will come back, and only returns by nightfall. She has been more distant, and doesn't seem to want to do things with me anymore. She sometimes smells differently when she comes home. Takes a shower shortly after returning, sooner than usual. She's been exchanging a lot of mobile messages, but doesn't let me see them, and doesn't talk about it. If I ask her about the messages she says that's none of my business.

 

Red flag!

[Loman]

All your advice is very wise. I will try to have a heart to heart talk with her, and see how that goes. I'll ask her to meet her new friends.

 

In the first years of our relationship (we started dating 2 years before living together, so we've actually been together 8 years), she would talk about marriage. She probably noticed that I was very never keen to marrying her. Since the last year or two she seems to have given up on that idea. This is a relationship that was never very healthy, but of course, I still feel very hurt if she is cheating on me. If she wants to be with someone else she should have the decency to abandon this relationship first

[whichwayisup]

To be honest, it seems neither of you really want to be together, and neither of you really have the guts to finally say something and end it. I know it's really awful of her to cheat on you (whether it be sexual or emotional with another guy) but maybe her choosing to do this, is HER way out. I don't know...

[ThumbingMyWay]

Hi everybody, this is my first post here. I'm 26 years old.

 

I've been living with my girlfriend for 6 years now, we never got officially married but have been living as such.

 

Our relationship was never really "healthy", I've rarely seen her as the woman of my life, but for some reason I've never had the courage to let go of her, maybe for fear of being lonely, and my tendency to avoid conflicts. She isn't very "mentally stable".

 

Anyway, the reason I'm writing now is that I'm very suspicious that she's being unfaithful to me. It started about 2 months ago, she said she met these new friends, and has been spending much time with them. She has 2 free days per week, and since then has spent about one of those days per week with "them". Before this, she rarely ever spent her free time with anyone but me.

 

 

reg flag: Withdrawal from relationship and activities that previously she wouldnt.

 

She leaves in the morning, is very vague about when she will come back, and only returns by nightfall. She has been more distant, and doesn't seem to want to do things with me anymore. She sometimes smells differently when she comes home. Takes a shower shortly after returning, sooner than usual. She's been exchanging a lot of mobile messages, but doesn't let me see them, and doesn't talk about it. If I ask her about the messages she says that's none of my business.

 

red flags. Withdrawal, secretive, changes in behavior.

 

She says she has the need to be with new people, make new friends. We were not very social, we tended to spend almost all our free time together. She's says she's bored with her live.

 

red flag....grass looks greener over there

 

I suppose that all these signs are a very strong indicator that she may be cheating on me, right?

 

right

 

The problem now is that I don't know what to do. I don't tolerate infidelity, if she is really cheating on me the relationship is over for me. I want to find out the truth. I want to know how I should confront her (like I said I don't like confrontations, though in this case I feel the urge to do so). She handles accusations very badly, and I'm afraid of her reaction. If I find out she's really cheating, I want things to go as smoothly as possible. This is making be feel extremely bad Any opinions are very appreciated. Thanks.

 

Sounds to me like you have a very co-dependent relationship. Now that she is venturing out, cheating or not, things dont seem so fuzzy and cosy anymore.

 

If i were you, I would ask to meet these new friends. Why cant you all be friends and hang out? if she is hesitant about this...I would be suspicious.

 

IMO....having a group of friends that your GF/BF/spouse doenst know about or isnt included in, just seems strange. Now, yes I have guy friends that my knows, but doesnt hang out with us. The differences is she still knows ALL my friends and I at least know hers or she tells me about them.

 

 

I would keep my eyes open and go with your gut feeling. If you gut is telling you somehting....more likly theres some truth to the gut feeling.

 

so welcome, good luck and stick around, this is a great place.

[Art_Critic]

I will try to have a heart to heart talk with her, and see how that goes. I'll ask her to meet her new friends.

 

Keep the fact that you suspect her to be cheating close to your chest..

After the heart to heart you may have a better feel on how to play those cards..

and try and be honest with her about how you feel as well.. you can't expect her to be honest about her feeling if you aren't honest about your's

 

So make the talk about your relationship and not about how you suspect her of anything and go from there..

[Loman]

To be honest, it seems neither of you really want to be together, and neither of you really have the guts to finally say something and end it. I know it's really awful of her to cheat on you (whether it be sexual or emotional with another guy) but maybe her choosing to do this, is HER way out. I don't know...

 

That's true... And it would make much sense that this is her easy way out. Maybe she even wants me to get angry and end the relationship, so she doesn't have to.

 

so welcome, good luck and stick around, this is a great place.

So I've noticed. Thank you all for your support, I feel better now. I'll stick around and tell how things go.

[norajane]

There are other issues, like paying my apartment alone, and I worry about were she would go if I "kicked her out", I don't think she has anywhere to go (she has a bad relationship with her parents).

 

You can get another roommate for a while, until your lease is up and you can move to a more affordable apartment.

 

As for where she'll go, she has lots of new friends...and perhaps a new man. Surely they can help her by giving her a place to stay until she finds an apartment she can rent by herself.

 

Point being, these are not reasons to stay in a bad relationship with someone who is likely cheating on you.

 

Have you been tested for STD's? You never know what she might bring home to you.

 

EDIT: She usually takes a shower everyday around midnight. But when she comes back from her day out, she seems to take her shower sooner, around 10 P.M., about 30 minutes after returning.

And during that 30 minutes, does she stay far away from you, or does she let you near her?

 

The secrecy is why you know she is cheating. People who have nothing to hide don't care if you look at their cell phone, they let you meet their friends, they don't have vague answers to where they are going, what they are doing and when they will be back. And they certainly don't smell different.

[Loman]

Have you been tested for STD's? You never know what she might bring home to you.

It disgusts me that she may have had sex with me after having it with someone else... Now I feel lucky that we have sex few times (she only wants sex about once every 2 weeks, and now maybe even less), but we had sex 2 or 3 times after she met her new friends. I'll get tested.

 

And during that 30 minutes, does she stay far away from you, or does she let you near her?

She tends to stay away...

 

The secrecy is why you know she is cheating. People who have nothing to hide don't care if you look at their cell phone, they let you meet their friends, they don't have vague answers to where they are going, what they are doing and when they will be back. And they certainly don't smell different.

You're right... It's so hard to believe that she is probably actually cheating on me

[Loman]

Well, I had a talk with her. It wasn't as "heart to heart" as I wanted, but I think we got things straight. I told her that I don't like her spending the whole day with these "friends" I don't even know, and that she's been acting strangely, and vague about things (I know, that was probably not the best way to start the conversation).

 

She denied what I said (about being vague), and that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that if she wanted to cheat on me, she had had better opportunities before if she wanted to, and she wouldn't do that without leaving me first. She seemed pretty convincing to me... But of course, I can't be sure.

 

Anyway, eventually the main topic of the conversation wasn't about her cheating on me. I was about her leaving me. A few days ago she said she was going to get a room elsewhere, leaving me. I didn't really believe it, what she says isn't frequently what she does. But it seems she's really determined to do so, at the end of this month. This makes me sad, with confusing feelings about it, but it's probably for the best. She said that we weren't happy, and I can't disagree with that.

 

Her acting differently probably has to do with her having gave up on me, because I leave her here alone on summer and Christmas vacation to see my parents, and she doesn't handle that well. This last vacation was probably the last straw for her, because she's been more distant ever since (and even more after she met her new friends). But I'm not going to stop seeing my parents because of her, so if she can't take it that's her problem.

 

One way or the other, I think our relationship is finished. Even if she doesn't actually leave now, our relationship the way it is now is useless to me, I wouldn't tolerate this behavior much longer.

[directx]

Hey, it sucks and there is no other way about it.

What I would do is throw a party. Nothing crazy, but just invite all YOUR friends over. If anyone asks, tell them you are just celebrating a new beginning now that the relationship is over. This will make you feel better and make others aware of your situation.

Its not a gloating party or 'I'll show you party'. Just a party to help you feel better

[FireandIce]

It sounds like she gave up the relationship you two had a long time ago when she started hanging out with other people and not including you. I'm sorry you are going through this but you will be better off in the long run.