woodyman Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Do girls have a much stronger need to keep in touch with an ex bf than men ? The gorgeous girl I am with now, have been for the last year and half, still has some sort of 'not let go' attitude about her ex. She doesn't say that to me in that way, obviously, but her need to know what he is doing, how he is...just holding onto his life as well. I feel all I want is for me and her to be together, sounds very stupid, and I find it hard to explain, but with her need to keep knowing what he is doing, talking to his sister about stuff...but what I mean by together is just a new life, not anything to do with him, and for her to not care what he does. Probably very selfish, and I reckon it is because she is my first girlfriend, and love...it been a big hit for me to take all that emotion, and i just have a hard time dealing with this ex situation.
justagirlforever Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I think it's because men find it more difficult to deal with their emotions and it's far easier to close the book and move on - door closed. Than keep a potential friendship open. Also - I think men find it a lot harder to see a woman move on to another man (their ex-"property") than vice versa. In general.....I think.... To me personally I think it depends greatly on the situation and circumstances. I'm one of those with ex-friendships. Not because I can't let go of the past. But because they were a part of my life and we've just moved on - because being together in a relationship didn't work. That doesn't mean we didn't have a lot in common on other levels and still share some of those interests. No one single person can meet another's needs and interests 100% That's part of the reason why we have friends to fill those various "gaps". However that said: your situation seems different and her behaviour is just not right. To "need" to know what he's doing and speak to his sister etc. is not acceptable in my opinion. And that on your part, I do not see as selfish!
New Hope Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Listen, your biggest power as a men in a relationship is to walk away...You don't need to put up with BS...to not risk possibly dumping her is to risk the whole relationship..BE a man and grow some balls....shes still hook on her EX, the more you allow this **** to keep going the lower her romantic respect for you goes down...remember when a women dumps a man she only thinking about herself and not what u feel..is not how much u like the girl, is how much she likes you...Yes I understand your in love, we all been there..but as a man that stuff has to stop...if shes not ready to be with you let her go...move on to someone else its tough but thats life...
Author woodyman Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Hold up a bit New Hope. I got a myspace and so has she, and i think that she may have dropped some sort of letter off to him a few days ago...what was in that i don't know, it might have been a "leave me alone"...or it may have been a "Chris (me) is being stupid, I will still see you when I can". Now the trust I have for her suggests that it will be the former, she is not a spiteful girl, but likes that attention she gets on the odd time. I am probably a very naive 20 year old, having only 1 girlfriend, who turned out to be love. I am more mature for my age than most, having lost my dad at 17 I grew up very fast, and just tend to be totally honest with people...has proven both good and bad. But I figure if anything happens with this other prick - excuse me - then all along all I have given is 110%, surprised her, flowers, little presents on the odd times, cuddle her, kiss her, hold her hand. Show her attention that she can not use against me if she messes about.
VirtualInsanity Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Do girls have a much stronger need to keep in touch with an ex bf than men ? I don't. My ex is an ex for a reason. Last thing I want is to know his personal life. I want to forget him. Never understood why my gf's want to be friends with their ex's. No way! Want nothing to do w/ them. It's possible she still has feelings 4 him. I feel all I want is for me and her to be together, sounds very stupid, It's not stupid & you don't have to put up w/ ex's. Have you talked to her about the ex?
serial muse Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Do girls have a much stronger need to keep in touch with an ex bf than men ? No, not at all. It's not a gender thing, it's a personality thing. Personally, I've never been the type of woman to keep exes around (but I have had BFs, including my current, who do like to think of some exes as friends. I won't control someone's choices, but I think it's reasonable to establish fair boundaries in that case). But for me, when it's done, it's done, and I prefer to shut the door. After many years have passed, and when we have mutual friends or there wasn't much emotion in the first place, then sure, I can be friendly. Actually, I can be friendly anyway, once I'm over the emotion of a breakup (on whichever side). But that's different from being an intimate friend, which I tend to think creates too many problems with new relationships.
Author woodyman Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Virtual Insanity yes we have talked, but it often decends into me "bringing up this issue" all the time. They were always seen as together for 4 years, probably close for 2 of those 4 because of the amount of times they split and stuff. I never used to be an insecure person so much as girls were concerned as I have never had to approach this subject before. I dont resent her by any means at all whatsoever... or something...but I just on the cuff of the moment wish that sometimes she had a hate for her ex that would mean she didn't want to know him, didn't need him in her life at all. That is definately a selfish comment on my behalf, its just what I want, but I know that she is friendly, and doesnt like to upset anyone by any means at all.
justagirlforever Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 but I just on the cuff of the moment wish that sometimes she had a hate for her ex that would mean she didn't want to know him, didn't need him in her life at all. That is definately a selfish comment on my behalf, its just what I want, but I know that she is friendly, and doesnt like to upset anyone by any means at all. Do you really want that? Hate is such an incredibly strong emotion that holds so many negative feelings and emotions - often including anger, bitterness and resentment. Do you honestly want her to walk around with those feelings? You don't have to hate someone not to want to know them or need them in your life. Perhaps you have to ask yourself (and her) why this need is so great?
Author woodyman Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Ok that is a fair comment. I only used hate as it is the extreme of 2 emotions...what i suppose i meant it to say was that I wish she didnt want to know him, not hate then, just a feeling of not wanting him around...if that makes more sense.
VirtualInsanity Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Virtual Insanity yes we have talked, but it often decends into me "bringing up this issue" all the time. What did she say? How come she needs to hang on to her ex? If it's over then why keep him around?
Author woodyman Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 What did she say? How come she needs to hang on to her ex? If it's over then why keep him around?Yeah you are asking the question of me that i am asking of her...I dont know that reason. But as far as what does she say...it can quickly descend into an argument where, for some reason, while I am laying myself out and trying to let her know how it makes me feel, I will turn out the other side feeling bad and feeling like I have upset her. I have never posed the question in such a straight up manner, I have hoped that she will come to realise this through her own. I recently found out that she sent dropped a letter off to him whilst I was out football training. She does not know I know this, but I will not ask her about it. I am 20 but childish I suppose in the way I handle it, I don't want to ask her, I want to see whether she will lie to me when I use other methods to allow her to admit on her own...its probably a subconscious process I am using to see whether I can be arsed to be on the verge of being 'used'. We haven't fought for a while over this bloke, but I have a feeling that there will be some soon. But I can tell you this, the instant I think I am being used, I am not having anymore...it is one of my biggest hates.
JimJ Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I feel your frustration Woodyman, your situation sounds almost identicle to mine. I've been with my girl a few months now but she still keeps contact with her ex. It's something that I positivly hate and she knows this. I've told her candidly how this makes me feel and she tries to reassure me that I shouldn't feel the insecurities that I do, but her words are little comfort when she continues to see him. Her excuse is that although she is no longer with him or has any feelings for him romantically, she still cares and has a need to know that he is doing ok. Like you she is also my first serious relationship, which I think makes things harder to accept. She has cut back on seeing him after I expressed my feelings to her. My advice to you is to make it absolutely clear to her how the whole thing makes you feel. BUT do not try to force her into a decision or give ultimatums as that tactic usually backfires and causes more damage. Tell her how you feel and make it clear that this issue is having a serious strain on your relationship. Ask her why it's so important for her to keep contact with this other man. Be prepared to listen to her answer. See if the two of you can't find some form of compromise. If it turns into an argument do your best to be calm and collected, don't give her more fire to throw at you if you know what I mean. I was given some words of wisdom once - 'if you can't love them, leave them... if you can't leave them, love them, but which ever you decide upon, give it your all' I hope some of that is useful to you.
justagirlforever Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 But I can tell you this, the instant I think I am being used, I am not having anymore...it is one of my biggest hates. Are you sure it's not a case of your heart already knowing/suspecting that something isn't right and your head not accepting it? The biggest example I can give is the fact that she has before, a couple of times, told him that she doesn't want any contact with him, after we had talked and to make me feel better and happier with the whole situation...but we are still in this situation where HE is still in the sodding picture. I am getting close to tears sometimes. Quoted from your other post not to let that other topic go off-topic: What and how much are you suppressing and perhaps not facing up to facts to deal with them? Think carefully and truthfully.
Author woodyman Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 I think I understand. I keep all of exactly what I feel under my wing, BUT, I say enough to her that she knows exactly how I feel about it. After I lost my dad, I have become iron-willed, but very fragile...I know if I am being messed around, but at the same time am probably doing everything I can so I wouldn't have to face up to anything.
justagirlforever Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 I'm afraid that's what it sounds like to me. Making clear how you feel - Simply, but clearly, openly & honestly to the point - is not being a nag. If she doesn't hear it because of the way you're saying or not saying something, then you need to make it very clear once and for all. There's so much miscommunication in relationships and so many things go unsaid that shouldn't be. So often I've found myself suppressing things and not saying something in the way I'd like to say it, out of fear. For what I might really hear, fear for the action I might have to take when I hear what I do. I can see that now. I didn't see it then. Or perhaps I did but didn't want to. Good luck.
Author woodyman Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Christ it is complicated, most people on here it will be blindingly apparent to, others are stuggling. I am the most open person to her, there is no ex for me, no other love, no other person I have slept with, which I feel upset about because I feel like I seem an easy ride for her. But thats it for now, justagirlforever, and everyone thankyou for the thoughts, you may well hear more of this in weeks to come but for now. Be happy where you are.
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