Guest Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I have been with my husband for 16 yrs. He is an alcoholic. We have had problem for the last 5 years. I am tired of dealing with his drunkeness and , he my bi--hing about it. We still have a regular sexual relationship, but that too is slowly diminishing. My problem is 9 months ago, I began having an affair. My even bigger problem is that my daughter is 2 weeks old,(and to me), is clearly not my husbands. I am not in a relationship with this other man. We simply get together and have sex. We continued the affair during my entire pregnancy. He knows there is a possibility that he is the father, but we haven't actually disgussed it yet. I am not sure what to do. I know that many people live there lives and never know that they aren't the biological fathers. I am scared of disrupting all of our lives so totally, that everyone involved is hurt. I am also scared of concealing the truth and also hurting everyone later on. This OM is never going to want anything other than sex from me. So it is not like I want to risk losing my H and family. But on the other hand I dont want to stop having sex with the OM. I am having fun and he makes me feel good. I don't get that at home. I guess what I want to do is just keep the whole thing a secret if I can , but it has only been two weeks and it is already eating me alive.
Sup Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Why cheat your husband this way, I mean forcing him to raise OM's child? You don't deserve being treated that way, however, that's NO excuse for your cheating on your husband, and forcing your husband to believe that she is his. IMO, that's worse than his drinking. Divorce your husband, and DON'T go for child support, don't make your husband pay for your mistakes. Take responsibility for your own actions, and tell your husband under supervision, incase he becomes violent. Don't force him to live a lie, he's a man, STOP making his choices for him. One last thing, what if your husband exposed you to STDs, like you have done to him, how would you feel? He's gonna feel cheated when he finds out, and if he does on his own, it WILL be much worse.
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 You owe not only to your husband, but to your child, to come clean and suffer the consquences of your choices and actions. Sorry to sound harsh, but just because your H is an alcoholic doesn't give you the justification to cheat on him, before and during your pregnancy. Tell your H the truth, hopefully he can go to counselling and also get to AA to help him cope with all this stuff. What you're doing is incredibly selfish and just shows you have no love or respect for your husband and your child. Again, sorry to be harsh...Also, you may feel this OM means nothing to you, but how long will it be before you and/or him develop feelings and things get taken to an emotional level? Never say never...Go read some threads in the OW/OM section.
Guest Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Why cheat your husband this way, I mean forcing him to raise OM's child? You don't deserve being treated that way, however, that's NO excuse for your cheating on your husband, and forcing your husband to believe that she is his. IMO, that's worse than his drinking. Divorce your husband, and DON'T go for child support, don't make your husband pay for your mistakes. Take responsibility for your own actions, and tell your husband under supervision, incase he becomes violent. Don't force him to live a lie, he's a man, STOP making his choices for him. One last thing, what if your husband exposed you to STDs, like you have done to him, how would you feel? He's gonna feel cheated when he finds out, and if he does on his own, it WILL be much worse. Your right I should just divorce him, and definately when/if , I tell him someone else will have to be there because he will be crushed. He could hurt me , or himself. I am seriously concerned for his mental state. He may never recover from this. Because for all this time he has believed this to be his child. During the whole pregnancy and everything.
Guest Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 You owe not only to your husband, but to your child, to come clean and suffer the consquences of your choices and actions. Sorry to sound harsh, but just because your H is an alcoholic doesn't give you the justification to cheat on him, before and during your pregnancy. Tell your H the truth, hopefully he can go to counselling and also get to AA to help him cope with all this stuff. What you're doing is incredibly selfish and just shows you have no love or respect for your husband and your child. Again, sorry to be harsh...Also, you may feel this OM means nothing to you, but how long will it be before you and/or him develop feelings and things get taken to an emotional level? Never say never...Go read some threads in the OW/OM section. The way that my husband treats me is how i have justified the whole thing to myself. After puting up with it for all of these years i feel i deserved a little piece of happiness. I never intended for this to happen. And when u say that I don't love my husband, u can't possibly know that. I love him more than i have ever loved anyone. That will never change.Even after divorce. That is why i am torn on what to do. I am scared to death to hurt him. I don't think that he can handle it. I am a much more emotionally strong person than he is. This will kill him. I do agree with u that on some level this is selfish of me not to tell , but i also don't want to hurt him.
Sup Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I MUST say the sooner this is taken care of the better, what I mean is, right now your husband is living a Lie. If he were to find out from someone else who has seen you and the OM, or if he were to notice that the child DOESN'T look like him,(I have NOTICED things like that before, however when I noticed, they DID look like their father.) The outcome may/WILL be even worse. Not intending for this to happen? People don't have sex with other people by accident, they do it willingly. I don't know if you go to a church, or have family members, or even contact a Good counselor, but you have to do something very soon. YES! Your husband will be very angry, and perhaps hostile, that's why we suggest a counselor, or someone of that nature, who knows exactly what they are doing. You came here for help, I hope you realize that we're trying to do so. As Gunny in here always says: Mr. Reality has just walked in on ya! And it ain't pretty! You'll understand that Phrase soon enough..... Read some of the other forums, like in separation and divorce. Speaking of Divorce, your hubby may want to Divorce you in a hurry, so expect that, that IS his right in this case, I know you know that too. Even if he did want you to stay, it WILL be a living hell trying to repair the damage, but, he will NEVER forget it! No offence, but, if you were so interested in his mental state, then why cheat on him? That is the worse possible thing to do in cases like these, it's like throwing Gasoline on a fire, BOOM!
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 That will never change.Even after divorce. That is why i am torn on what to do. I am scared to death to hurt him. I don't think that he can handle it. I am a much more emotionally strong person than he is. This will kill him. I do agree with u that on some level this is selfish of me not to tell , but i also don't want to hurt him. You hurt him, whether he knows it now or not, when you chose to cheat on him. I am sorry to sound harsh, I know you're in the midst of a rollercoaster ride, but part of being in an affair and realizing that you're about to hurt the one you love is the consquence you suffer by having an affair. Your husband is going to hurt either way, whether you tell him, or he finds out on his own. Or if you end it and never tell him...
Sal Paradise Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Don't be a coward. Your husband has the right to know you're cheating. He also shouldn't be forced to raise someone elses child. Stop acting like a child and take responsibility for your actions. His mental state or health is completely irrelevant.
Guest Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 You hurt him, whether he knows it now or not, when you chose to cheat on him. I am sorry to sound harsh, I know you're in the midst of a rollercoaster ride, but part of being in an affair and realizing that you're about to hurt the one you love is the consquence you suffer by having an affair. Your husband is going to hurt either way, whether you tell him, or he finds out on his own. Or if you end it and never tell him... Had i not gotten pregnant with om baby , he would have never found out and we could just go on with our lives as if nothing happened. He wouldn't be hurt. He wouldn't know. And I know for a fact he would never find out about it if it weren't for the baby. and people live this lie all the time. Not saying it is right for anyone, but we live a lie in this marriage everyday anyway, even before this affair.
LakesideDream Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 First, you need to be sure. Do a DNA paternity test. It's only a three hundred bucks or so, it's private, and only you and the OM need to know. Assuming you only slept with the OM and your husband, your husband does not need to be tested, he can be assumed to be the father if the OM is ruled out. Do a google search, there are many firms offering the service. If the test comes back that the Husband is actually the father, you have all the problems of an affair. If the OM is the father, you are in deep do-do. You say you don't want to risk your marriage and family. That's a bunch of crap isnt it? An affair is risk, getting knocked up during an affair is a huge risk, you need to look harder at your attitude. Right now, the affair is the least of your problems. It becomes a non issue if you stop spreading your legs for your lover. From your description ending the affair would be no great loss anyway.. after all the OM is just a life support system for a penis that delivers you orgasms. Paternity is the real issue. There is an excellent chance that you will be exposed. When it happens there will be hell to pay.
BentSpine Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I am not judging you for looking outside the marriage to get your needs met, when they weren't met within the marriage. This is would be an 'exit-affair' and happens because most humans don't have a light bulb that signals 'time to exit relationship'. The fact that the affair happened on the other hand, in retrospect normally brings the message home that the relationship is past best-before-date. At least the relationship the way it's at the moment; If one or both partner changes to meet the other person's need, there might be hope. But the old relationship in any case, is doomed. But there is something that you fear will happen if you up and leave. Despite what that can possibly be, I encourage you to tell your partner about your affair and the paternity. I don't know the pay-off you get by staying but they possible scenarios come to my mind: The reason you stay could be fear of the unknown when the life as you know it changes dramatically. How will the people whose acceptance you yearn look at you after they get know of your affair? Or do your sense of worth derive from feeling that you're 'emotionally stronger' than someone else?
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Indulging in an affair is not "emotional strength"... As Lakeside wrote, get the paternity test. Once you're certain of who the father is, you know which choices you have to make. You also know which choices are the right ones, whether they're beneficial to you is a whole 'nother ballgame. Any decisions that you make will define you as a person for the rest of your life. Choose wisely. No one can make these decisions for you.
Woggle Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I know insults don't do anybody any good but you are disgusting. Indulging in an affair is bad enough but at least have the decency to use some borth control. On top of that you are considering tricking your husband into thinking that a child from another man is his. Last week I would have went into some misogynistic rant because of this but I am working on myself so I will just say that you are a no good individual.
Sup Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Sounds like you're getting better Woggle! By the way, DON'T drag this out lady, it WILL come to light one day, and these days if a husband finds out years later about things like this, they can Sue YOU for a lot of money, oh yeah!, Men are starting to do that these days, and they're WINNING at these lawsuits! For supporting the child that's not theirs, living a lie and so forth, I wonder what it will be like in say 10 years time when men have more rights in more states. The sooner this is taken care of the better, stop wasting BOTH of your lives, including your baby's.
Guest Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Sounds like you're getting better Woggle! By the way, DON'T drag this out lady, it WILL come to light one day, and these days if a husband finds out years later about things like this, they can Sue YOU for a lot of money, oh yeah!, Men are starting to do that these days, and they're WINNING at these lawsuits! For supporting the child that's not theirs, living a lie and so forth, I wonder what it will be like in say 10 years time when men have more rights in more states. The sooner this is taken care of the better, stop wasting BOTH of your lives, including your baby's. Well, I just want to say to everyone, thank u for your comments. It hasn't been easy to hear all these negative things about me. But I do know that this whole thing DOES NOT define me as a person. I have been in this terrible marriage for years and put up with a lot. I was only trying to be happy for once. Making something about ME finally. Like I said before I could just end the affair and it could all be water under the bridge , but this happened. Yes, I was using birth control. It was faulty! I thought it was going to be a one time thing, easily forgotten. I am planning on doing the dna test to be sure. Although my other two kids look like twins and she looks nothing like either one of them. I am quite sure. Would be awesome if i were wrong, and then for sure i would come clean about the affair. I have to get all of my ducks in a row here and make decisions on what is best for my kids. I will be coming clean irregardless. But i have to get some things together. Because us staying together is not an option. I will be lucky to make it out of this one alive. But to reiterate, I dont think i am a bad person. I have just made some bad decisions. So as the saying goes. I have made my bed ...................
Guest Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Sounds like you're getting better Woggle! By the way, DON'T drag this out lady, it WILL come to light one day, and these days if a husband finds out years later about things like this, they can Sue YOU for a lot of money, oh yeah!, Men are starting to do that these days, and they're WINNING at these lawsuits! For supporting the child that's not theirs, living a lie and so forth, I wonder what it will be like in say 10 years time when men have more rights in more states. The sooner this is taken care of the better, stop wasting BOTH of your lives, including your baby's. i would also just like to say or ask. Why does everyone think that sooner or later he will find out. If it weren't for the child of course. If we take her out of the equation, and it were only an affair. Why is everyone so sure we would be caught. I am telling everyone that had it not been for the baby, I would have never been caught. I know this for a fact.
Recommended Posts