Contact with ex, need guidance...

[perspektiv]

My ex calls me all the time. Sometimes I feel fine about it, sometimes it goes bad. By "going bad", I mean that she stirs up emotions. When I respond to those emotions, she backs away again and it ends up hurting. This is a pattern that has revolved many times now.

 

She says she calls me because she needs someone good in her life and I make her feel better about things. Shes in school and going through a lot which is why she "needs" me.

 

Anyways, heres my problem. I feel better when we don't talk. So much about her makes me angry. I've been pretty busy lately, and whenever she has called or contacted me, I have pretty much ignored it. We weren't on bad terms per se, but I've just ignored her. Should I tell her that I don't want to speak anymore, or just continue ignoring? the last times I've told her I didn't want to speak only ended up in a blow out fight.

 

I'm more or less over things, not completely, but having this contact with her just keeps this false hope alive. I don't want someone like her in my life anymore, but its hard to be blunt about it because she'll just start a fight about it...

[bchlvr]

Perspecktiv, please read about the benefits of "no contact" on this site.

 

You said the magic words....being in contact with your ex keeps false hopes alive. It makes perfect sense that having contact stirs up different emotions... hurt, anger, longing, confusion, etc. I bet it's very hard to keep those emotions in check as well. Each contact whether good or bad feeds the fire. Your ex has the benefit of being able to depend on you when she is in need. She can count on you being there. But that benefit is not reciprocal and I wonder if that accounts for some of your anger.

 

Simply tell her that you need to move forward and recover from the loss of this relationship. You need to not have any kind of contact with her in order to do this important work.

Don't get into a big long explanations to try to make it okay. No need to respond to any objections or attempts to cajole you to act differently.

Just be brief but firm.

 

You deserve to look out for your own best interest and focus your perspective on moving on.

[Icantletgo]

Trust me.

 

Go NC.

 

I talk to my ex all the time. the times I try to ignore him or tell him to leave me alone, he comes crawling back to try to talk to me even though he left me for another GIRL.

 

I am MISERABlE. I hang on to the hope that he still loves me and that is why he is calling me. But I am also miserable cause I know he doesnt' deserve me and I dont have enough strength to say good bye to him....YET.

 

There is only so much we can give and only so much we can take.

 

If they don't want to be w/ us than they dont deserve ANY of us.

 

I am trying desperatly to have the strength to move on. Cause 3 months from now, when you havent talked to her for a full 3 months you will be happier than if you did talk to her.

 

Just think about how happy and how far you will be in the future.

 

Cause by talking to her, you are dragging the breakup heartache even LONGER than it has to be.

[polywog]

I agree with everything they said, above. I'm going through hell now myself sometimes because I still have to have some contact with my ex (I still have some things at his house, and people keep calling me there). I was fine when I was in NC, and now that I'm having to see him occassionally it just sets me back. Do what they say, please go NC! And good luck!

[WhiteKnight]

Perspektiv, I have to say that your situation with your ex is quite grim.

 

My ex-gfs have the tendency to talk to me on online because I had changed my other contact details that they all had access to. None of them are able to call me at home or whenever at University, let's just say I had changed everything into an online friendship with them and it got to the point that I am very happy about it.

 

Most likely one or two of my ex's might not want to see me again but they have the sudden bad habit of contradicting themselves when they only wanted an online friendship with me and all of a sudden they wanted my other contact details.

 

Sometimes I just ignore their request for my other contact details and continue the conversation as it were, however, hence some people would say I would be rejecting my ex in some way. Which could be true but, it also depends how much trust and the value of the friendship you made them to be that suits you in your own vision.

 

When I say 'other contact details' per se, I'm referring to telephone or other chat programs that I do use.

 

Funny thing is though whenever either I left any of my ex's behind or they leave me behind because we both knew that the damage was too much and it was something that both sides needed to heal for if a 'friendship' with them was to succeed or take place. However even so, both sides must be committed to do that in an agreement but if one of the ex's doesn't, well, let's just say feel free to walk away from it all and leave it as it were. Including the friendship with your ex.

 

Out of 8 ex's I had, only 6 of them worked out. 2 of them wanted only an online friendship and were contradicting themselves when asking my personal contact details.

 

When I ignored their request. The feelings of one's emotions, including an ex would have some sort of rejection, neglect, perhaps sadness, tension, anger but mostly disappointment comes out of it.

 

For your friendship with your ex, perspektiv, that needs time to be healed. At the moment, what your ex is doing might be right but as well as wrong as she'll most likely doesn't understand it. You both need a clean break from each other, I don't know... maybe 3 to 8 months is enough, depends on how much you and her value the friendship.

 

You need to make it very clear to your ex along the lines of... simply tell her that you need time to recover from the relationship (as bchlvr suggesed).

 

Also I find that through my own experiences, mentioning about your new partner to your ex is truly a bad sign. It causes more tension, anger, jealously and perhaps more rejection and negativity between each other. I rather let my ex's find out the hard way and discover the truth, when they know about the truth... its up to them on how to deal with it.

 

When I first got attached to a new partner after experiencing the breakup with my ex (either she broke up with me or vice versa), I try to lay low and try not to act like I'm not attached but happy with myself. Whenever it comes to msn, I sometimes express that I love my new partner and one of my ex's go all emo/weird perhaps crazy about it and would try anything to get your attention (she did catch my attention when I saw her acted like this).

 

I never knew why and perhaps never will know the truth of the real reason for it.

 

Anyways, keeping your distance between yourself and your ex is a good suggestion. Sometimes you have to think back on how much you can really say to each other. Also majority of the topics that both you and your ex once had would be pretty much be quite sensitive and can't be brought up, also, it would be destroyed to a point.

 

I have kept my own distance from any of my ex's and left them alone cause I don't care about them as much. The reason I don't care about them as much because they were the one person who left the relationship and I know they care or love about me too but they can not go back because it was there own choice to leave you in the first place. You can't contradict yourself and that includes the ex as well, its mind gaming and it sickens the heart and mind combined.

 

The best way that has happened to me is that if there was less contact between two ex's, the more happier your life can be. However if a person truly contradicts on what they said to you before hand, you sometimes have to reinforce it that it was their own decision and perhaps you could question it when the sudden motive and change of heart.

 

Stay focused on recoverying and getting yourself healed, living on false hope is not worth it. False hope gives to those people more pain and strife, something that a friend would lose almost their own sanity and perhaps the will of having the strength to leave the past and move on from it.