Tomcat33 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Why does any drug addict keep going back for more? They know it will eventually kill them, they know how unhealthy it is right now, they don't love it but they've fixated or feel they need it.. Because it feels good! Why does anyone venture into falling in love again after they have been hurt really bad in a past relationship? BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD to fall in love. Because no matter how much there is a chance another human being can crush you and spit your heart out when they are done with you, MOST people will gamble at feeling love again even if the outcome could be more pain. It's human nature.
Tomcat33 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 So, on a funnier note, are the women that are "addicted" to MM (as Woggle states) really just insane? As insane as the BS who keep taking back their cheating spouses, and as insane as the cheaters who keep breaking promises to their spouses after they are allowed back home. SO what does that tell us? EVERYONE is insane!
Trialbyfire Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Because it feels good! Why does anyone venture into falling in love again after they have been hurt really bad in a past relationship? BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD to fall in love. Because no matter how much there is a chance another human being can crush you and spit your heart out when they are done with you, MOST people will gamble at feeling love again even if the outcome could be more pain. It's human nature. Of course it feels good to get the drama and the excitement from an affair. It's a similar high as a crack addict gets per hit. Is this love? Not usually for the MM. Otherwise, why are most OW disposed of, on D-day? Don't say because of his kids because many of these marriages have no kids, including mine.
Tomcat33 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Of course it feels good to get the drama and the excitement from an affair. It's a similar high as a crack addict gets per hit. Is this love? Not usually for the MM. Otherwise, why are most OW disposed of, on D-day? Don't say because of his kids because many of these marriages have no kids, including mine. That's where you are wrong it's particularly the drama that destroys most affairs, the drama is what the OW/Om HATES they long for a day when they could have a peaceful union with their boyfriend/girfriend. Why does anyone who is in love with another person keep accepting their advances? Because it feels good, because being in love feels good. The reason some MM dispose of their OW on d-day is because they panic,. It hits home that they will LOSE everything and they run back home to save what they had. Then as the days go by he is comfortable at home with the security of the conformity he had tried to leave behind in his moment of madness, and he cannot stop thinking about the OW and then old feelings start to come back and he seeks out the OW again, putting in jeopardy everything he almost lost, to losing it again simply to be with the OW. If that is not love then why do they always flip-flop back and forth putting at stake losing the marriage time and time again? Let's face it, this theory that people should try to salvage marriages rels. after an affair seems ridiculous to me. It seems like the biggest sacrifice you can ask of another human bieng. I'm sorry call me proud but if a man falls in love with another woman and has this second life behind my back and I find out, he does not get a second chance with me. That's the worst thing you can do to someone you love. I've dumped a guy I was CRAZY about in a three year rel, when he had a one night stand, let alone a whole drawn out emotional full blown affair. NO WAY.
pureinheart Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 This is not apply to all women but just the ones that are addicted to married men. I don't think it has much to do at all with love for these men or any actual feelings. I think it is ego on both the MM's part and the OW's part. These married men need the ego boost to show themselves that they still have it and they are still attractive to women. They get a big boost out of getting a woman hooked and leading her around on a string. They are expert players and know exactly the right things to say to a woman but it is just a side thing for them. Most of them never actually plan on leaving their wives. They want to have their cake and eat it too. The other woman hears the man's sweet talk about how he is going to leave his wife for her and how she is so great and it gets her hooked. She gets a big boost out of taking another woman's man away and she feels good because he makes her feel like the sexiest and most beautiful woman in the world. He has her on cloud 9. When he never does leave his wife for her she starts going nuts because it crushes her ego and she is addicted. She comes to find out that she is not so special after all but just a toy for a married man and it crushes her. She realizes this is a challenge she can't win. If these married men would actually leave their wives for the OW she would quickly lose interest because would have won the game already. By constantly dangling that carrot in front of her face the MM is screwing the OW's ego in a serious way. I agree with this post 100%
Trialbyfire Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 That's where you are wrong it's particularly the drama that destroys most affairs, the drama is what the OW/Om HATES they long for a day when they could have a peaceful union with their boyfriend/girfriend. Why does anyone who is in love with another person keep accepting their advances? Because it feels good, because being in love feels good. The reason some MM dispose of their OW on d-day is because they panic,. It hits home that they will LOSE everything and they run back home to save what they had. Then as the days go by he is comfortable at home with the security of the conformity he had tried to leave behind in his moment of madness, and he cannot stop thinking about the OW and then old feelings start to come back and he seeks out the OW again, putting in jeopardy everything he almost lost, to losing it again simply to be with the OW. If that is not love then why do they always flip-flop back and forth putting at stake losing the marriage time and time again? Let's face it, this theory that people should try to salvage marriages rels. after an affair seems ridiculous to me. It seems like the biggest sacrifice you can ask of another human bieng. I'm sorry call me proud but if a man falls in love with another woman and has this second life behind my back and I find out, he does not get a second chance with me. That's the worst thing you can do to someone you love. I've dumped a guy I was CRAZY about in a three year rel, when he had a one night stand, let alone a whole drawn out emotional full blown affair. NO WAY. I will put the ball back in your court again. The reality of an affair is that the MM gets what he wants from both women. Whether you want to pretend that's love, is your perogative. A man in love will do whatever it takes to be with the woman he loves, including leaving his marriage. This is what leads me to believe that the average MM is not in love with the average OW. If he puts material possessions before his hearts desire, there are some issues, don't you think?
Tomcat33 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I will put the ball back in your court again. The reality of an affair is that the MM gets what he wants from both women. Whether you want to pretend that's love, is your perogative. A man in love will do whatever it takes to be with the woman he loves, including leaving his marriage. This is what leads me to believe that the average MM is not in love with the average OW. If he puts material possessions before his hearts desire, there are some issues, don't you think? In my particular case I am not pretending it was love, it was/is love. I have been in love and been with men who were in love with me many times in my life, and what I had with this man was no fake. My case is somewhat different in that there was no relationship until he moved out. I made it very clear to him there would be nothing between us until he moved out for good. And so he did just that, and months after he did we started dating. In the interum he was trying to seperate from his wife withough having her find out that there was someone else in the picture so this is where the OW status affected me. In reality there was no hiding around there was no sneaking no any of that hence she had us followed one day and caught us smooching at a restaurant. Having lived all that I did with this man I know that a lot of his actions in flip flopping were due to guilt, mixed emotions, and yes even the fear of losing everything he had built with his W. But I also know that when a person feels satisfied in a relationship there is no room for developing deep feelings for someone else. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I just believe that, a person's heart has to be open to love for it to happen, and if it is already in love there is no room for a second love. After reading the posts of those people who did find love and went on to form relationships with the OW/OM I know it's possible, I know that sometimes in life things happen in the most inopportune ways. Given the chance to live this again I would say NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. but I am also a fair believer that certain things happen in life for a reason. That destiny sometimes comes knocking in an odd fashion. If I were one of those serial MM daters, then I would not have a leg to stand on but because I know my character I know who I am, I can say that love can happen in this manner. Time and time again I hear of people that formed a bond together that should not have, both parties go into a marriage knowing that they settled or that they are not even 80% let alone a 100% and they conform to a lifestyle that they cannot back out of due to guilt, they resign themselve to their choice and just move forward. Looking back if I would have married the man I was engaged to 5 yrs ago that I knew deep down I would have been unhappy with, I probably would have been on this site sharing my woes about how unhappily married I was but I cut my losses at the time and was lucky to see ahead and chose to risk it and endure some momentary pain of loss for a lifetime of pain. Others just don't know any better and think that things will get better with time and it imply doesn't, that empty feeling follows them for ever. It's one thing to marry inlove with someone you thought was your soul mate, and later in life you hit a dry patch in the marriage, this is going to happen always it's a complete other thing to marry someone because it seems like the logical thing to do fully knowing you are not 100% about the other peson, and in this life there are plenty of 80% ers. There are all sorts of exeptions to the rules but aside from the pathologies of affairs, there are those couples that simply should not be together.
Trialbyfire Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Each situation has shades of differences, no doubt. I won't dispute that you feel you're in love. Whether the MM is in love remains to be seen when it hits the fan. Your plight is very similar to many of the OW stories I've read on LS. Women don't stay as OWs because they disbelieve their MMs.
NoIDidn't Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I just believe that, a person's heart has to be open to love for it to happen, and if it is already in love there is no room for a second love. You must not have kids. When I had my first, I simply didn't feel that I could find enough love in my heart for my second. After my second, I knew that I had love enough for EVERYONE on this planet - given they didn't eff around with my H or kids.
mopar crazy Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 My H is a good looking guy. His nickname was John Travolta b/c ppl thought he looked like him, only H is a lot taller. Anyhow, OW would flirt w/ him all the time, sometimes right in front of me, other times H would tell me about it. One was even the W of one of H's friends. Anyhow, I knew the xOW was attracted to him, knew she was from the beginning. They had shared some common interest in sports. She was athletic, and so is he. She loved baseball, and he does too. Since they worked together 10 hours a day they got to know each other over the course of a few years and their attraction became stronger. Then he told me he wanted a D and was seeing the xOW. Since the A ended almost 4 years ago there is nothing for H to hide or lie about the xOW. One day he told me that they were working together and she asked him if he ever had an A w/ someone from work and if not, had he ever thought about it. He said he pretended to not hear her and continued to work. I believe the xow in H's A is the type to go after any man she is attracted to, M or not. She even told me if she wants a MM she will go after him, she goes after what she wants. I know not all OW are like this but she was one that did not care who she hurt as long as she got what she wanted.
SoxPrincess Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 In the case of exMM, for him I know a big part of it was his ego being fed, even though it wasn't a case of my ego being fed. He is 7 years older than I am (I'm 31, he is 38), he "claimed" W never stroked his ego and never showed him any affection, he constantly would throw lines out about how old he was and how his body was falling apart and at the time, I would of course tell him he wasn't old and his body was great bleah bleah bleah. I first realized a major part of the A was ego on his part when I would start cracking jokes about him getting old and it would really upset him. I would make silly jokes that I think anyone with a sense of humor would make and he would get very angry with me and I would immediately need to turn around and stroke his ego for hours on end because he was hurt. He also claimed that W had "let go of herself" after having 2 kids and he always said how proud he was to be seen in public with me. I've had 2 kids also, but I was in the military, so I've kept myself in decent shape, so I guess that made the difference with him. Looking back, it wasn't that he was proud to be seen with me, he just wanted people to see him with me and say "hey that old guy is doing pretty good" and it had nothing to do with me at all. Obviously I don't know every MM in the world but it seems that most of them would be involved in an A for an ego stroke; having an OW on the side to fulfill all of his supposed unmet needs and a W at home to stand by his side.
Tomcat33 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 You must not have kids. When I had my first, I simply didn't feel that I could find enough love in my heart for my second. After my second, I knew that I had love enough for EVERYONE on this planet - given they didn't eff around with my H or kids. What you are describing is UNCONDITIONAL love and that is what we have for our children, it's the only time (that I feel) a human being can love unconditionally. In the case of romantic love I DON'T believe we can love unconditionally. If a child rapes another human being by virtue of being a a parent we will always love that child, they will always be our baby even though their horrible act committed kills us of pain/shame everything...if a spouse rapes another human being we will not love them no matter what (in most cases that is). When I said you have to have your heart open for love, for it to happen I spoke STRICTLY in a romantic sense, not unconditional love as in what we have for our parents or children.
Virgo1982 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 You must not have kids. When I had my first, I simply didn't feel that I could find enough love in my heart for my second. After my second, I knew that I had love enough for EVERYONE on this planet - given they didn't eff around with my H or kids. Well, nine times out of ten, your husband would be more likely to eff with somebody else.
Recommended Posts