Sisters

[Zona76]

My sister and I have battled so long I can't remember what started it.

I don't hate her. But I don't want her as my best friend. Actually I don't have a best friend other than my husband. But suddenly now she wants us to end whatever rift there was and have us go back to when we were teens and would always just hang out.

I'm 55 she's 61 and perhaps its this new found religion of hers... I don't know.

I'm not a "friendly" person. I love my secluded world.

She phoned last night ,"I'm sorry about all the past and I just want us to be close again. I love you..."

 

Okay.... I'm supposed to fall in love with my sister? Does she want us to simply pal around again? This wont happen. I'm all grown up now and my life has changed.

Do I want us to be close? Good question. She has moods that switch so fast you never know what hits you till you feel that verbal slap in the face. I suppose I don't trust her in that this is not simply one of her moments.

Let me explain we live in different states and when she gets the urge to come down, she expects me to drop what ever plans I have for us to go off and do our "sister" thing what ever that is.

I simply can't turn my life around for her. And Lord help me I feel guilty for this but I'm quite happy she's not been in my life.

Oh I'm cordial in conversations. But not mushy. What does she want?

[EricOnTheWeb]

Zona, I say let your sister have a chance to make up to you,and be friends again with her. If one of you gets ill then it will be to late...its not worth holding these grudges.

 

And about the secluded lifestyle you like.....I'm glad you're fine with that,but I think it SUCKS!

 

I'll see you in email!

[lei66]

I love my sisters....I have 5 our ages range from 63 to 41....I always say, "I don't need friends...I have sisters."

Your missing out

.

[Island Girl]

I guess I have a different perspective.

 

My sister is judgmental about everyone, inconsistent (SHE'S the box of chocolates - you never know which personality you're gonna get!), and just overall a crazy byatch.

 

I tried since we've been older to "start over" but she is the same as always. How can you change what you don't acknowledge? And to her -- well she's perfect (remember the judgmental part - that is why she judges everybody else).

 

I am very close with my brother -- who is also distant from her for the same reasons.

 

I don't want her in my life in any way shape or form. She does nothing but bring misery to me and everyone in my life (the judgmental thing is blatant even when it comes to my friends, my husband, or strangers). YUCK.

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't have advice, but I do have a sister.

 

I often feel she is judgmental. She is once divorced and has since married into a rich family. I am twice divorced and am likely the poorest person in my immediate family (cousins included.)

 

I think she often feels I am distant. She has said recently that she didn't feel that I liked her. I sometimes don't, but I have always loved her. When she said that (just a few months ago) I didn't reveal that I don't always like her, just concentrated on the I always love her part.

 

She has hurt me in the past, but I held that inside and never said a word.

 

My sister is younger than me by two years.

 

I can remember a time when we were literally the best of friends and had the same interests. That was many years ago. I think she has exceeded my own personal evolution at this point, but I was ahead just a few short years ago. Despite my problems and her sobriety and therapy.

 

I often feel like my sister is trying to make me more like her.

 

We live many, many miles apart. It's a 4.5 hour flight and a 24 hour drive.

 

Good luck with your sister. I think I can feel your discomfort even though my sister is very different. It's a complex relationship.

[Zona76]

I did have the talk. It went okay. I can act too.

I still don't know what it is she wants. She's a clean freak, I'm not. She is better and has better and has more money and lets me know. She complains about my children and can't see the bad in her own.

She wants to have the forgive and forget option where she can bring up the past and I can't.

She wants ME to want her life. I don't. She can't see nor reason why I can't see her life is better.

She's basically not happy with her life and puts on a big show. I don't want to be a participant in her audience and worse of all I don't want to commend her on her illustriate actions of what a grand personage she is.

I'm not the smartest person, but Harriet wants people to think she is. That's why she acts the way she does. She wants the pedestal.

Okay, live up there on your high hill and be happy. But I can't do that.

BE HAPPY FOR ME and my choices sis. You can't live my life anymore so accept it.

[Island Girl]

I did have the talk. It went okay. I can act too.

I still don't know what it is she wants. She's a clean freak, I'm not. She is better and has better and has more money and lets me know. She complains about my children and can't see the bad in her own.

She wants to have the forgive and forget option where she can bring up the past and I can't.

She wants ME to want her life. I don't. She can't see nor reason why I can't see her life is better.

She's basically not happy with her life and puts on a big show. I don't want to be a participant in her audience and worse of all I don't want to commend her on her illustriate actions of what a grand personage she is.

I'm not the smartest person, but Harriet wants people to think she is. That's why she acts the way she does. She wants the pedestal.

Okay, live up there on your high hill and be happy. But I can't do that.

BE HAPPY FOR ME and my choices sis. You can't live my life anymore so accept it.

 

Hey -- that's my sister you're describing! But her name's not Harriet...

 

I swear you could be describing her though. To the "T".

 

I understand your frustration and thinking. I've turned away completely and am much happier for it. No more fake pointless conversations where she probes about my life just to compare it to hers or make it sound less than in some way. Ugh.

[sb129]

Hey Zona, I liked your most recent post! You poor thing, she sounds like hard work.

This is a tough one, but I think you need to go with your gut instinct here.

 

If you don't enjoy your sisters company, why force yourself to be in it just because she is having a fit of conscience?

 

You can be civil and cordial, but not be buddy buddy- or have you tried that and shes not buying it?

 

If she is in your face then she isn't respecting your wishes.

Stand up to her, its your life after all.

[coco_milkshake]

I have 4 sisters. The ages are 32 (twins), 30, 28 and 22 (me). They are ok with me and they were great with me when I was younger. Now that I have become older and have my own ideals and way of thinking, its so much more different to theirs and they dont like it cos its not Indian enough.

 

They took my parents side and the twins called me a prostitute along with my mum and told me to go and stand on the street corner - they spat on my face. This is when I had a bf.

 

The one who is 28...she is the most judgemental person you will meet. She has all the desireable traits in an Indian girl - she is tall, slim, pretty face and has light brown skin -but what makes her ugly to me? Her personality. Everyone praises her to the high heavens and its got to her head. I am not the only one who agrees with the fact that she has an attitude problem and a massive ego.

 

I hate her soo much and I can understand how you feel Zona about having a sister like her. This is going to sound evil but when my sister had her car accident, I wished her dead that day to her face before that happened cos she made my life a misery which lead me to self harm.

 

There has always been a distance between us cos mum favours her the most and I blended into the background. I am glad of that though, cos at least I can say I am more down to earth as result and not pig headed and arrogant like my sister - my mum encourages it. Sad.

 

I am glad you took a stand against your sister. At least she has admitted her mistakes so she doesnt sound all that bad. I would say give her the benefit of the doubt but to be careful.

[EricOnTheWeb]

This is way off topic,but just want to say that Zona76 here is a tremedously good friend of mine that I met from another forum.

She's the only one that could look through my wierd antics and actions when I was going through stuff.

 

We email daily and someday hope to meet her:) Zona is the most trusting person you could ever know...EVER!...You can tell her your most personal things and she'll hold it tight. I'm gratefull to find Zona...without her this past year,I would still be in my own "space" of termoil....

 

Ok..just had to get that out there lol...

[dropdeadlegs]

Zona,

 

I just read your initial post again. It May very well be her new found religion bringing on this latest friendly communication. How long she embraces her new beliefs is unknown.

 

What struck me was that those who have done the most damage to a relationship, not only sisters, often seem to think that extending the olive branch is all that is needed to forgive and forget. A long tumultuous relationship needs more than a simple "I'm sorry." Does she really know what she is sorry for? Does she see now that you have your own thoughts, feelings, and lifestyle and that you are actually pretty happy with those? Or is it one of those apologies where apologizing fro the obvious rift is supposed to be enough.

 

I ask these questions, because religion or no religion, if she is otherwise the same person and continues in the same behaviors nothing will really change. Now, she may be the same person with the same agenda, just with different spiritual beliefs. Now, if you are not religious or attending church services, she has one more thing that is "wrong" with your life to bring to your attention. I mean we ALL know that you can't possibly be happy as you are, and you obviously need to look to HER for as an example of all that is right and perfect (stated with MUCH sarcasm, that last sentence.)

 

I don't know, I would tread lightly and be prepared for the worst. It is true that erring is human and that forgiveness is divine, but most people don't have religious experiences that truly bring about great change. They spout the same crap and often have most of their personal character flaws, they just praise God all the time while remaining basically the same person. Yet the religion may be the catalyst for reaching out. It's wha she is supposed to do

 

If you see that not much has changed, I would go as far as telling her every time she crosses your personal boundaries. I'm not clear if that has consistently been done during your life with her. It's hard to do, but if she wants a relationship with you she needs to know that the relationship needs quite a bit of fine tuning.

 

If she is willing to make some changes, I think it would be great if an new, better, sister relationship can be achieved. Unfortunately as often as a sister is your best friend, she is equally as often your worst enemy. I wish you well! I acknowledge that my relationship with my sister may very well be my own reflections of her looking down on me rather than her actually doing so.