youaremysunshine Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I'm sorry this is so long, I needed to get it out. I guess I'll start from the beginning. we met when I was in grade nine, I was instantly smitten with him, but I was too shy and awkward to let him know how I felt, so we remained very lose friends, eventually losing contact altogether. Then one summer day I got the courage to call him up to go the art gallery.I don't know what was but suddenly we were holding hands, and suddenly were kissing. a few days later he asked if I would be his girlfriend (how sweet). things were great all summer, like amazing. it was the happiest time of my life. unfourtunatly, as it turns out he was already accepted to a college 700 KM away. we decided we wanted to stay together and when he first left everything seemed like it was going to be fine, he was calling me almost every night, writing me sweet little letters, visiting as often as he could and making me mix tapes and even reading me radio plays haha. so basicly he was very affectionate and made a huge effort to be a part of my life. ...and then I started falling apart, for reasons totally unrealated to him. I've always struggled with depression and other mental health issues. this year was really bad. I became very unstable, I'd even go so far as to say I was outright crazy. but Paul was always there for me, even in my darkest moments. but, despite his loving support, I am weak. I tried to kill myself (emo I know). After I got out of the hospital Paul stopped calling. he downright avoided me. when I finaly got a hold of him he said he did it because he didn't know what to say to me anymore and he didn't know how to help me and that hurt him. we didn't talk for a few weeks and when I called him he just said that he was sorry that he can't make me happy that he'd always love me but some people just aren't meant to be. he said I was still his best friend and he wanted to stay friends, but we didn't talk much after that. so fast forward three months, countless psychiatric appointments and a whole hell of a lot of pills and I'm finaly sane again. anyway I run into paul at a zoobombs show (well, I knew he'd be there he loves them) and everything goes well, it's his reading week and he wants to see me the next day, to help me fix my record player. anyway he fixes the old thing and then we go to a movie and he kisses me in the movie and he takes me back to his place "to say hi to buddy" (his cat, he's very attached) unsurprisingly we wind up making love. it's amazing. every thing is just like old times, like all that crap didn't happen. we cuddle and giggle for a bit and I ask him right out, is this the last time it this is going to happen and he said not unless he is in some terrible traffic accident. and then he got serious and said he loved me and he wanted to be with me and he was crazy to have let me go. so he goes back to college and for a while thing are great, but we slowly stop talking again. now we hardly ever speak, and when we do it's awkward and strained. it feels so forced, which really makes me sad because he was always so easy to talk to... I'm not even sure if we are still together I want to show him I've learned to make myself happy now. I want to show him I love myself now. I'm ready for things to be like they used to be. I'm the happy, silly girl he fell in love with again. but how?
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 21, 2007 Author Posted April 21, 2007 oh now I've screwed things up even worse...
In_thespurofthe_mome Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Wow, :/ i'm sorry about all the depression... There's so much to life, don't give up there's always hope. With your situation.. to be completely honest, he may see you as very needy or hard to please / keep up with. He just needs a lot of patience, and love. Plus, college is a big thing that can separate two people, so many things to focus on, new friends, work, and just your entire future in general. You two either need to really talk about where your relationship is going, or try again anew. I'm sure being suspended in the relationship, unknowing of anything must be hard for you... and I don't think you should keep yourself in suspense too long, because (me being a realist) he might bring bad news to you. In a more optimistic view, maybe you two can work it out and when school is finished and all, you can finally settle everything down, and just be together. And with the part about how to show him you're happier now, just smile. Smile a genuine, happy smile. Laugh a lot, live in the moment! Anyone can sense when someone is genuinely happy Good luck !
Recommended Posts