What a mess... (Long)

[Mudskipper1]

Hey all, I'm new, had a look around and was glad to find such a supportive resource on the web, I'm looking for some advice or feedback on my situation.

 

A little about me, I'm 27, male, been married for 3 years this may, been with my spouse for 5. We have an 18 month old daughter who means the world to me.

 

I'm going to try and make my long story short... Things haven't been right in my marriage for quite some time now, since my wife was pregnant. She seemed to struggle with the pregnancy throughout the whole term, battling depression especially. Once the baby came, things didn't seem to be going a whole lot better for her, she's always been slightly detached from the baby... and despite being a new parent, she has consistently refused to seek any help/advice on raising a child, which has caused some conflict in our home, she's always done strange things like trying to feed the baby solid food too early, trying to put her in a "big girl" bed at 11 mos. etc... She's not a bad mother, just has some funny ideas once in a while.

 

Rewind to Dec. 06 (5 months ago) I had to go on an 8 week course for work, and was returning home every two weeks, mid way through the course she calls me from the city we originally came from to tell me that she didn't want to live in the town we had built our life in (Owned a home, had a great job, etc.) and she was moving home, I was free to choose if I came with her, or if I stayed behind. I obviously chose to move 8 hours from my career, sell the family home, and move all of our possessions (With no help from her) so I could be with my family.

 

Once we got here, we moved in with her parents because we had no time, or resources to get a place of our own (Tough especially because this was right before x-mas) and things went downhill from there... in Jan. I ended up leaving her and our daughter at the in-laws because I couldn't handle the stresses of living with my in-laws. Feb 1 we found a rental property together, and once again, I was solely responsible for ensuring all of our family property was moved into our new place, it was almost as if she didn't want me to follow through with the move because she wanted me gone, although when I've confronted her on this she flat out denies it.

 

So in essence, over the last 6 months I've thrown away everything I've ever worked for in our relationship in order to move into a city I have no desire to be in, all for the sake of my family. And things still aren't right. We have no sex life to speak of, my wife works full time now so we can afford to live in the big city, and for the most part I am the primary care-giver to our daughter (Which I love btw) but my marriage is still failing.

 

She consistently destroys the house, leaves spoiled food out, laundry piled everywhere, so after a 12 hour day at work when I come in with the baby alone (She works nights) I have a disaster area to clean just so I can make our child her supper. When we moved I re-furnished our new place with the proceeds of our home sale, she has since destroyed much of the furniture with spoiled food, cigarette burns, and general abuse. It's as though she has absolutely no respect for our home or family.

 

When she is caring for our baby, she leaves her to feed herself while she smokes cigarettes, and often leaves the baby to play alone, I've never seen her get down on her hands and knees to play with our little girl ever.

 

This morning when I came downstairs, my wife was feeding the baby donuts for breakfast, these sort of things happen all the time and it drives me crazy.

 

There have been many many fights about simply doing what is right for our child, and our home, and she always says she'll try harder to help out, but she never follows through for more than a week.

 

We've gone to counseling but she isn't an active participant, she'll pay lip service to our issues with the counselor but she isn't really engaged. She says she loves me, and she loves our daughter, but she puts no effort into our family.

 

I'm tired, heartbroken, and fearful that she'll take my baby away from me, but I can't keep living like this, I would rather be alone than to put up with her coldness, her laziness, and her lack of care for our baby. What am I to do?

 

I want her to leave, and I want custody of the baby, but I know her parents and her will try and take that from me... how can I get out of this while still being able to take care of my daughter in a safe and secure environment?

 

Help!

[Trialbyfire]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/postpart.html

 

You may want to consider the possibility of postpartum depression. Maybe she needs to go to IC by herself as well.

[Mudskipper1]

I have considered that position, and I belive it to be true, she most definatly is struggling with post partum, as a matter of fact, she has struggled with untreated depression all of her life, and still to this day admits it, but refuses to see a doctor or consult a counselor... The depression was so bad for her through her teenage years that she became a drug addict, she has been clean now for about 8-9 years, and I'm confident that she's not using now, but it doesn't change the fact that she still struggles with untreated depression, I guess my biggest issue is, if she's not willing to work on herself, why should I continue to bang my head against this wall... the feelings of anger and resentment I hold against her are starting to grow, and I'm not sure how to cope with that, I love my wife, and I love my family, but I don't know what else to do

[Ladyjane14]

You can always see an attorney and start building a case for primary custody. You'll need to document not only her bad parenting, but your good parenting as well. Until you know how this thing is going to pan out, you'd do well to begin a daily log, hand-written in ink and entries dated.

 

Unfortunately, you can't MAKE her get into therapy and embrace it.

The only real leverage you have in terms of enforcing boundaries regarding the type of behavior you're willing to tolerate from a spouse is your willingness to leave the marriage.

 

Bear in mind, if it becomes necessary to divorce her, she'll get at least some custody or visitation unless she's an ax-wielding murderer. For the sake of your child... it'd be best if she'd accept treatment, regardless of the outcome on the marriage.

 

You two have only been married for three years, and these years when a young couple first starts their family are notoriously stressful. Add to that the fact that your wife is inconsiderate of your feelings in a consistent manner, and it's no wonder that you're having trouble.

 

You've been to MC once already, but have you considered just laying down the law and ordering her back into counseling? It's possible that a new therapist or a new treatment plan might make better headway. It's fairly common for couples to try more than one therapist before they find a good match. Do you feel like you'd still want to be with her if she'd treat you more respectfully? Do you still love her? Would she be a good parent if she trained up a bit more?

 

This thing might NOT be impossible to fix. But you're gonna need to get her undivided attention. Sometimes that means laying down the law via ultimatum. That said, ultimatums can go either way. You'd do well to prepare yourself for either outcome if you go that route.

[wife_left_me]

Sorry to hear your having such a hard time, I can relate. My wife also had sever anxiety and depression and also neglected our home and children. I think you need to sit down with you wife and have a real heart to heart talk about your feelings before it gets too late.

 

In my case I always hoped the depression was a phase and it would magically go away but it never did. I realize now my wife actually was having second thoughts about being married and having children. She loved me but didn't want the restrictions of being married, she loved her children but didn't want the responsibility of being a mother. How old is you wife? Do you think she might be having second thoughts about your family? My wife was only 20 when we got married and it definatly had an affect on our marriage. It sounds to me like you and your wife have a parent child relationship where you feel like you need to be responsible for her. That will never work in a marriage so if she is not willing to take any responsibility and be an adult you are better of without her.

[LakesideDream]

Very sad story. You are between a rock and a hard place. In my limited experiance, getting primary custody of your child would be impossible from the info you supplied.

 

Burning holes in furniture, and a donut for breakfast just isn't grounds. The courts will fall on her side every time, especially as the child is female, and a grandparent support system is available.

 

You have tought times, and decisions ahead. I hope for the best for you.

[Mudskipper1]

Well,

I pulled the pin on my marriage, She came home from work and I told her I had enough of it all, and in the couple weeks following, I've spent well over 5 grand to protect my daughters best interests, we still have a trial to go through, but for now, my little girl is safe and sound, with me. Big win for a single dad.

 

As far as myself goes, I don't think I can remember a time when I've been happier, aside from all the games of silly bugger my ex keeps trying to play, all is good, I found out that there's a million people standing behind me on this, and because of them, I have my little girl.

 

Thanks for the words of support from everyone here, I'll be back for more, but for now, my little girl needs some lunch!

[Lezbean]

if you want to leave and get sole custody you better start documenting everything.

 

Start a journal with everything you can remember. From here on out, take notes with dates and times. It will help you. Take pictures as well.

 

You sound like the better parent.

 

Good luck to you.