Sadcakesleo Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Hi everybody, I am just feeling really down and out. Yesterday my girlfriend of 3 years who I live with told me she just wants to be friends and she also told me she missed her ex who she was with for 5 yrs. I kind of expected the breakup coming if you read my previous post last week but man I was not expecting her to tell me she missed her ex. I think she is seeing him again though now....he left her for another woman, who just broke up with him a few months ago.I am really down because not only have I lost her but now I feel like I finished second place in a race I thought I was by myself in. I feel like the whole three years she never really loved me and I feel really betrayed. Any advice or support I would be very grateful. p.s. the worst part is she told me this yesterday, right before I was going to see my grandma in the hospital who has cancer. Any moment now she is going to pass. So as you can imagine its even more tough for me
Dubb Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Wow I feel for you. Best thing you can do is let her go. People change and she might have this image of her ex still in her head. She might find out a few months from now he is not the guy she thought he was. I know this is going to be hard but the best thing you can do is let her know how you feel once and go NC. She might be back if the grass is not greener but there is no way to tell. Don't go NC in hopes of getting her back. Go NC to focus on just you.
Author Sadcakesleo Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 thnx for the advice dubb. its hard to go nc because like I said we have an apartment together and we also have two dogs together. its still really fresh so as of right now i have no real plan on what to do about rent or the dogs...help?
Dubb Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I would move out if I were you. I don't know what to tell you about the dogs. The sooner you straighten this stuff up the sooner you can heal. Do your best to work towards a timetable. Remember it is her choice to leave you so make sure you do what is best for you. She is doing what is best for her right now.
2ndIINone Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Shock her!.... Don't whine.... don't beg, don't even try to get her to stay... she lacks class doing this while you have enough stuff goin' on with your G'ma.... She wants to burn you for the very same guy that burned her???? Let her make that mistake.... I wouldn't talk to her, or do anything that would even resemble 'trying to keep her around'.... just be there for your g'ma.... Simply put - you beg?= You push her away further.
Author Sadcakesleo Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 thnx dubb for the advice.anyone else with advice would be greatly appreciated. i'm dying here
Dubb Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Shock her!.... Don't whine.... don't beg, don't even try to get her to stay... she lacks class doing this while you have enough stuff goin' on with your G'ma.... She wants to burn you for the very same guy that burned her???? Let her make that mistake.... I wouldn't talk to her, or do anything that would even resemble 'trying to keep her around'.... just be there for your g'ma.... Simply put - you beg?= You push her away further. Great advise right there. I used this on my ex at first and she seemed to want to work things out. It was only when I started to chase is when she pulled away.
2ndIINone Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 It was only when I started to chase is when she pulled away.It's natural... 99% of people have a first instinct of trying to convince an ex they shouldn't leave. Begging, whining, crying... harassing with txt', phone calls... flowers... cards.... YUCK! Although it seems like the right thing to do... it actually has reverse effects.... the begger now seems needy... and that puts a ton of pressure on the one who wants to leave. If a dumper can't handle the relationship OR the difference between right/wrong and realize the hurt they're inflicting on their partner, then they sure as hell can't handle the pressure of having someone need them. So they continue to run from the problems and the relationship looking for some kinda freedom. In this particular situation, it's best to 'shock' her when she says she's thinkin' of the ex... "Oh really? You're not over your ex, but you've been living with me for 3 years??? Ok... well, do what's right for you, go see if it works out with your ex... I wish you luck, honestly... I do... take care... bubye.." Turn your back and ACT as if they never existed... don't second guess, question, beg or anything... simply act as if you can live with OR without them and be the better person in wishing them well. (no matter how much it hurts...)
Dubb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 It's natural... 99% of people have a first instinct of trying to convince an ex they shouldn't leave. Begging, whining, crying... harassing with txt', phone calls... flowers... cards.... YUCK! Although it seems like the right thing to do... it actually has reverse effects.... the begger now seems needy... and that puts a ton of pressure on the one who wants to leave. If a dumper can't handle the relationship OR the difference between right/wrong and realize the hurt they're inflicting on their partner, then they sure as hell can't handle the pressure of having someone need them. So they continue to run from the problems and the relationship looking for some kinda freedom. In this particular situation, it's best to 'shock' her when she says she's thinkin' of the ex... "Oh really? You're not over your ex, but you've been living with me for 3 years??? Ok... well, do what's right for you, go see if it works out with your ex... I wish you luck, honestly... I do... take care... bubye.." Turn your back and ACT as if they never existed... don't second guess, question, beg or anything... simply act as if you can live with OR without them and be the better person in wishing them well. (no matter how much it hurts...) I think this really is your best way to go. Hey 2ndIINone take a look at my mess and let me know what you think. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116463/
2ndIINone Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I agree with everyone else about your thread.... you were her emotional punching bag thanks to her j-off ex boyfriend that cheated. Time and distance is best scenerio for these types of situations.... especially if you know in your heart that you were good... honestly good to her. Even though she may not act like it or show it.... she WILL know it... and WILL realize it later.... *hint* later on when she's missing you because you decided to disappear off the face of the earth. Get it?
Dubb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I agree with everyone else about your thread.... you were her emotional punching bag thanks to her j-off ex boyfriend that cheated. Time and distance is best scenerio for these types of situations.... especially if you know in your heart that you were good... honestly good to her. Even though she may not act like it or show it.... she WILL know it... and WILL realize it later.... *hint* later on when she's missing you because you decided to disappear off the face of the earth. Get it? Yeah I get it. Thanks for advise. I have no intentions on talking to her. Sorry for jacking your thread OP.
Author Sadcakesleo Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 its okay dubb.........I'm so stupid, she came over to the apartment and wanted to give the dogs a bath and after she was done she asked if i wanted to get something to eat. being my dumb self i said yes.newayz at dinner i had a little to much to drink and basically let it all out, i said its bs that after 3 yrs of giving her everything she decides she misses the same guy who left her for another woman. i said other things like lets toast to you leaving me for your ex and other supid **** and eventually she got mad and i asked to go back to the apartment, newayz she just left to her parents and i feel like absolute crap.
Author Sadcakesleo Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 the thing that gets me the most is that teh whole time for dinner, she was like you should get that girls number or she was like if you have a gf will you still hang out with me. it seems like a week ago we were seriously together and now just like that were supposed to be best friends. she seems not phased at all and it just hurts me even more. anybody have some advice?
Salicious Crumb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I would move out if I were you. Wrong....she should move out.
Zapbasket Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 It's natural... 99% of people have a first instinct of trying to convince an ex they shouldn't leave. Begging, whining, crying... harassing with txt', phone calls... flowers... cards.... YUCK! Although it seems like the right thing to do... it actually has reverse effects.... the begger now seems needy... and that puts a ton of pressure on the one who wants to leave. If a dumper can't handle the relationship OR the difference between right/wrong and realize the hurt they're inflicting on their partner, then they sure as hell can't handle the pressure of having someone need them. So they continue to run from the problems and the relationship looking for some kinda freedom. In this particular situation, it's best to 'shock' her when she says she's thinkin' of the ex... "Oh really? You're not over your ex, but you've been living with me for 3 years??? Ok... well, do what's right for you, go see if it works out with your ex... I wish you luck, honestly... I do... take care... bubye.." Turn your back and ACT as if they never existed... don't second guess, question, beg or anything... simply act as if you can live with OR without them and be the better person in wishing them well. (no matter how much it hurts...) Funny, 2ndIINone, I was just going to post a thread asking why hanging around someone who breaks things off with you suddenly and nastily and asking for clarification or at least some respect only ends up driving the dumper further away. I feel a bit guilty that when my partner of 5 years broke it off with me by hanging up on me on Dec. 5, I didn't immediately disappear off the radar but instead sent an apology letter, begged, contacted his mother...and I wonder if that led to his horrifically cold e-mail on 2/13 basically telling me to get out of his life forever. I thought at the time that I was showing how much I cared. What you say about it makes a lot of sense: if they can't handle the relationship or pull off a respectful breakup, then they certainly can't handle someone's pain at their behavior.
elias2k2 Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I would let her go. And not look back, don't call her, don't tell her your leaving. JUST Leave and never call her.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Dont feel bad about the dinner you told the truth. Always remember a druken mind speaks a sober tounge. Also she tried to pawn you off on other woman trying to relive her guilt because she wants to leave you for someone else. I'd say pile on her guilt and bury her with it. My ex did the same thing to me and one day in front of everybody in a crowded shopping mall I cursed her out and told her the truth. I called her a disgusting whore who couldnt make up her mind. I said if he'll toss you away like a used prostitute the first time he did what makes this time any different. I told her that's why I don't do relationships because every time I trust a chick she stabs me in the heart. Your no better than the sluts who sleep with all these men out there on the streets and what makes it worse is that you lie about being a slut! he aint gonna love you and once you realize that dont come back to me!!! My heart was hurting and it felt like fire! my eyes were watery but I told the truth. Everybody in the mall just stood there shocked and open mouthed. All she could do is keep her head down and cry and then walked away. It hurt. a few guys and women even cheered. But you know what it was the truth... And come to find out on valentines day I saw her again and sure enough she had no presents, no candy, nothing. Come to find out he cheated on her again. I just stood there thinking she was just a dumb bitch... I never got back together with her because I moved on. I am now happily single. and I am definitely enjoying my freedom. I dont hear any nagging or any bull**** from any female that's gonna disrespect me. I know you love her but you need to let her go. three years? does she even want to get married, have kids? if she's willing to go back to a man who blantantly abused her and walked all over her she has some major self esteem issues that it cant be solved by you. let her go. it's time. Trust me she'll be back once you've moved on. but the choice has to be yours.
2ndIINone Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 CB is right.... it's very hard to control your urges/emotions/hurt just after a breakup.... If you don't find yourself begging, then you will find yourself saying hurtful things. Giving her TWO reasons to walk that justify her decision. Don't sweat breakin' her ba##s during dinner. SHE did need to hear it because she IS wrong. I'm not quite sure about her pushing you to another girl... that was either to relieve herself of some guilt OR she was testing you. Still unsure about that comment. From here on out... she made her decision... right or wrong YOU have to respect it, because arguing won't get you anywhere. Trust me... In fact, I'd in a confident way, encourage her to pursue her ex...don't talk bad about the ex, but rather build him up. Wish her luck... wish her the best.... be the better man.
Author Sadcakesleo Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 thnx everybody for the advice its nice to hear from people right now. I found out just this morning that my grandma passed away. I said my good byes to her and we have been expecting it for a few days so right now im just glad she is in a better place and not in pain anymore. as 4 my ex i know that if shes gone I can't do anything about that. if she is seeing her ex and not just missing him than theirs not to much i can do. it just sucks because she is acting all happy and seems like she doesn't even care. its like she wants to be my friend, still hang out or watch tv at my place. i don't have the balls right now to tell her no because im so emotional that the company is good for me. it just feels wierd and hurtful to me that all the sudden its like i miss my ex and we should break up. and then lets be friends, i don't care your sad about your grandma. i don't care if you move on with other girls. i feel like the whole relationship was a lie and i feel played. its like shes rubbing her happiness in my face and i'm just sitting like a little b@#ch taking it. I know that I need to at least minimize contact as much as possible but its really hard especially because of whats going on.ive been in a serious relationship before and got through it but I never went this far with someone and to find out everything I gave wasnt enough to not even stop her from missing or thinking about her ex really breaks my heart.
vivrantflo Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 In my opinion man, you seriously need to go no contact right now.. you're hurting yourself by talking to her, and she's winning in this situation, cause she's back with her ex, and you're staying in her life. You don't want to hear about her and her ex (now current) man.. what she's doing now is none of your business, and you shouldnt want to know anyway! U should go no contact.. If you do want her back, being her friend and chilling with her isn't the right way to go.. at all.. you're not giving her a chance to see if she's making a mistake or not.. cause she has her cake, and is eating it too..as much as its unfair, and as much as it hurts, you gotta leave her alone right now.. IF she comes back to you, the ball will be in your court then...
2ndIINone Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 sorry to hear about your g'ma bro.... I too have a relative battling "C". You're right, it sucks. And she is in a better place now... Focus on your family... specially your parents... (not sure who's mother she was)... Maybe your ex is that selfish, she can't be there for you, but you certainly can be there for your parents. Don't keep that crazy ex around either.... you may think you need her, but you really don't, because... hell, she ain't there for you anyway.... she's just a body, no heart. Plus, she's nothing more then a distraction who doesn't know how wrong she is if you allow her to hang out and spend time with you. She's definately rubbing her happiness in your face, while you're sittin' there grieving. Cut her @ss off! Show her that you're bigger then her and can handle the situation you are currently in, WITHOUT HER!
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Leave her alone. Why are you allowing her to be your friend in your time of need. You need to find new friends because her involvement with this man while keeping you on a string is disrespectful. I'd go NC erase her number and show her that her actions wont be tolerated. why should you hold on to a woman who has trampled your heart hoping she'd change her mind. Like I said for any woman who walks back to an abusive man in the first place. I'd look at her like an idiot!
Dubb Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Wrong....she should move out. Personally I would want to move out. I would not want to sit in a place i shared with my ex. A new place in a new area might help him.
Guest Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I am writing this reply from a unique perspective. Although there are some major differences in the circumstances, I was in a similar situation about a year and a half ago. I did sort of the same thing to my husband that your girlfriend is doing to you. After eight years of marriage I decided I was done and ready to move on. Although the signs were there for a long time, I know the break up took him by surprise. I can tell you that her behavior now is very much like mine was then. She feels a great deal of guilt and thinks acting like everything is great now will some how absolve her of what she has done to you. She probably even tells her friends and family how great your relationship as friends is now so as to make what she did not look so bad. She also has become as use to being with you as you have with her. Its hard to suddenly break that kind of connection. And if she is now involving herself with a man she already knows she can’t trust, she is feeling unsure and wants your support. By continuing to spend time with her, you are making it easier for her to leave you. This is her way of slowly making the break and moving on. I know spending time with her makes you feel better, but I can be honest and say she isn’t coming back to you. She’s done and now she is using you to make her transition into her new life easier. She doesn’t deserve your help. I know this is something people say all the time when there is a break up, but you need to know that you really are too good for her. She doesn’t deserve you. And if it makes you feel any better you should know that she knows what she has down to you is wrong and cruel. She will always feel guilt for how she treated you even though it may not seem she does now.
underpants Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Hi Sadcakes, I felt I needed to respond. Are you two still living together? This needs to end ...yesterday! Dogs, take em, leave them, have the uncomfortable conversation with back up plans. Can your family take them until you find a place, if need be how about a no kill shelter? The situation you are in is toxic to you. You need to get out Now....for you. Talk to your landlord, who's name is on the lease, if just you ...well pack up her crap. Stay with family or friends until this is resolved. Figure out plan A,B and C of living arrangements and pack up and leave. Right now. Also, no dating the ex and hanging out or communicating with her to make her feel better about hurting you. That is bull. Say you have a date and leave (go to the library or ...where ever, stay over night at a friends (that will piss her off). Show her that you are the prize, and maybe, (although it is usually ever so too late) she will respond. However, she will not see any of the ramifications of her choices until the consequeces present themselves. See what I mean? I feel for you. It really sucks to have someone doubt things and allow someone else to come in and f everything up. She allowed this, and you have to ask yourself if that is acceptable...to you. In the end you might have to be one of her life lessons. I guess sometimes we teach and sometimes we learn. Ultimely, you might want a lady with a little more integrity. My .02 Take care, she is an idiot, but again this is not your issue to fix, nor can you. You will be okay as soon as you give yourself permission to do so.
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