stillhere Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 I've been with my MM since August of '05 and it's been a long hard road. We've had many good times together, but the bad times are starting to weigh me down. Lately i've been on edge. I get more irritated with MM when he fails to make a date, when before i was much more understanding. I've started to think about me and what i want. Last night my friend wanted me to go out. I don't venture into the bar scene too often, i'm not a big drinker and i'm not a fan of crowds. I decided to go because i needed some me time. Time for me to let loose and have some fun with no worries. No worries about what is going through his mind, if i have to watch who i talk to or dance with. This was my night. I told him i was going out and i told him that i wasn't taking his brother with me. He feels better when his brother comes with, even though his brother has no clue about us, he tells MM everything i do. I had so much fun. I danced my heart out and had many guys asking for my phone number, but only one lucky guy achieved his goal!! This was a guy i've had my eyes on for a while, and he is now finally available. I always promised myself through this entire A that i would not walk away from a good one, if i found one that fit the qualities i wanted. I told myself that i would not pursue another man, but if the opportunity arose, i would take it. I'm taking it. He's younger than me, which isn't what i was looking for exactly. I was afraid that a younger one wouldn't want to settle down with an immediate family. He's not like most of the "kids" i run into. So, now all i have left to do is tell MM it's over. This is hard, because it feels like my heart is being ripped out. I'm losing my best friend, but i could be gaining a new best friend and lover who will be there for me all the time. No more hiding and no more secrets. I want to cry so bad now for what i'm losing, but i know i have so much more to gain by walking away. I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell him good-bye. I'm not looking forward to this, but i know it has to be done. Wish me luck. This is not easy for me, but i know it's the right thing to do.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Don't jump into another relationship so quickly....Enjoy the flirting and fun, use it to help you feel good, but in all honesty it's not fair to the new man if you're not completely ready to give ALL of yourself to him. Great that you're seeing you need and want more than the MM can offer you. You've reached your "ENOUGH" point and now it is time to tell him goodbye and go no contact. I told him i was going out and i told him that i wasn't taking his brother with me. He feels better when his brother comes with, even though his brother has no clue about us, he tells MM everything i do. This is just sick. I had no idea that your MM kept tabs on you! You can do this. It's time.
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 You're probably sick and tired of the controlling and the secrecy. Do it!! Enjoy yourself with someone who's free, someone you don't have to hide with.
Author stillhere Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 He didn't keep tabs on me per se, but he also knew that if his brother was with, i would keep myself in check, in fear that his brother would run back and tell him everything i did. There will never be total NC with us. We work together, so i will see him 5 days a week, whether i like it or not. Right now, i'm his boss, so he sees a lot of me. I'm not jumping into another relationship, but i'm not letting this other guy walk away. We will spend time together and figure out if we will work. New guy works like a dog during the week, so we won't get to spend a huge amount of time with each other right away, which is a good thing. I'm not worried about how things will go with new guy, i just don't want to see the pain in my MM's eyes. That's all i'm worried about. I know he's sensing that i've been pulling away lately, and he knows something is coming. He's just been waiting for that ball to drop, and it will do just that very soon.
torranceshipman Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 StillHere that is fantastic news....have a great time with the new guy, and enjoy someone putting you first for a change - and treating you well...there's nothing wrong in being upfront from the start and saying that you think he's great and want to see where it goes, but that you want to take things kinda slow as you've just come out of a long relationship, or something - he'll totally understand... I agree about it being kinda sick that he gets his brother to keep tabs on you...you're not his property.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 You owe your MM nothing. Remember that if and when he tries to reel you back in. He is the one with the ring on his finger - He is married, not to you. Remind him of that if he tries to pull the "i love you and miss you" crap. That's not good enough! And, seeing as you're the boss, KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL at work. No personal chit chat, no emails that aren't buisness related. Who knows, maybe he'll quit his job and go somewhere else.
Author stillhere Posted April 15, 2007 Author Posted April 15, 2007 You owe your MM nothing. Remember that if and when he tries to reel you back in. He is the one with the ring on his finger - He is married, not to you. Remind him of that if he tries to pull the "i love you and miss you" crap. That's not good enough! And, seeing as you're the boss, KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL at work. No personal chit chat, no emails that aren't buisness related. Who knows, maybe he'll quit his job and go somewhere else. I have no worries about him trying to reel me back in. There will be no begging or pleading. When we're done, we're done. That i'm sure of. We will chat at work, it's hard not to. I will make sure that's it's nothing too personal, but i really think we'll be ok. We've had this discussion and we will not act different around each other. I know we can both do it without having any problems. He could very easily quit and make enough doing his own work at his own business, but i doubt he will. We were friends before, and we will continue to be after. I'm not worried about that.
smartgirl Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 Good luck. It will be hard if you are working together, but stick to your guns.
yousaveme Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 I dont know if there is any easy way to say it. Other than just doing it. I wish you the best of luck. I've been with my MM since August of '05 and it's been a long hard road. We've had many good times together, but the bad times are starting to weigh me down. Lately i've been on edge. I get more irritated with MM when he fails to make a date, when before i was much more understanding. I've started to think about me and what i want. Last night my friend wanted me to go out. I don't venture into the bar scene too often, i'm not a big drinker and i'm not a fan of crowds. I decided to go because i needed some me time. Time for me to let loose and have some fun with no worries. No worries about what is going through his mind, if i have to watch who i talk to or dance with. This was my night. I told him i was going out and i told him that i wasn't taking his brother with me. He feels better when his brother comes with, even though his brother has no clue about us, he tells MM everything i do. I had so much fun. I danced my heart out and had many guys asking for my phone number, but only one lucky guy achieved his goal!! This was a guy i've had my eyes on for a while, and he is now finally available. I always promised myself through this entire A that i would not walk away from a good one, if i found one that fit the qualities i wanted. I told myself that i would not pursue another man, but if the opportunity arose, i would take it. I'm taking it. He's younger than me, which isn't what i was looking for exactly. I was afraid that a younger one wouldn't want to settle down with an immediate family. He's not like most of the "kids" i run into. So, now all i have left to do is tell MM it's over. This is hard, because it feels like my heart is being ripped out. I'm losing my best friend, but i could be gaining a new best friend and lover who will be there for me all the time. No more hiding and no more secrets. I want to cry so bad now for what i'm losing, but i know i have so much more to gain by walking away. I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell him good-bye. I'm not looking forward to this, but i know it has to be done. Wish me luck. This is not easy for me, but i know it's the right thing to do.
Guest Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 SH--good for you. You have reached that point when enough is enough. If it's any comfort I recently wrote an update on seeing my xmm and how he had absolutely no effect whatsoever on me. He sat beside me in a public place, a library, and the conversation was nothing about us although he did try flirting. Although he did say about a man who was on his second marriage and he was struggling financially but I don't think he said it to bait me--if he did, I just let it go over my head. The point is that he could have talked to me all day long and I still would not have the urge to go back with him. I was done and he knew it. I felt numb towards him. I wanted to show him I was indifferent but in the end I was. I harbored thoughts of anger because of the way he had treated me but in the end I suppressed those thoughts. I know that even an angry reaction would have fed his ego. So I think you will be able to work with your soon to be x mm, but be prepared to put up with some sarcastic comments from him, when he knows you have got someone else. I don'thave anyone else to distractme yet I have no desire or feeling that I ned to see him. Being alone really is loads better than the crap he was dishing out. In your case it would be better if he got another job as you work so closely but at least you are his boss! So good luck and I am glad that you are moving on and when you feel indifferent to xmm it will be like a whole weight is lifted from your shoulders. I have split from him before and have always gone back, but not any more. So even if things don't work out wth your single guy, you should have the strength to resist mm who will be only too willing to help you recover from your split with the single guy!
Author stillhere Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 Thank you everyone for your support. I have not told MM it's over, i'm not ready yet. I talked to SG for 3 hours on the phone last night. We have so much in common! I guess it helps that we are in the same field of work and i actually met him through work, so it makes it much easier for us to know what the other is talking about. We haven't set up a "date" or anything of that sort, so i don't feel as if i'm betraying SG in any way. We are simply friends at this point. MM and i are so close and this is not easy for me. I really don't want him out of my life, but i know it's what's best for me. I will have the strength to do it, but i just can't right now. I refuse to allow anything to get serious between SG and myself until MM is out of the picture. I will not juggle 2 men. I will not hurt SG like that. I'm trying to go through the "break up" conversation in my head. I know i'll cry and i'm pretty darn sure that he will. I'm torturing myself with that thought, but it has to be done. I know it should be sooner rather than later, but my heart isn't agreeing with my head at this point. I know i'm back peddaling a little, and i somewhat expected that of myself. I will do what needs to be done, i just have to give myself some time.
greengoddess Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 Isn't the easiest way to break up to annonymously tell his wife? Then it won't be you breaking his heart and if it is really you he loves then he will leave the marriage. you will never have doubts and will know you did right.
Author stillhere Posted April 16, 2007 Author Posted April 16, 2007 That's one way to do it, but IME, it's the wrong way. I'm the OW and it wouldn't be right coming from me. I don't hate him, i love him and i don't want to "win" him that way.
puddleofmud Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Best wishes to to you and I truly hope that you feel in your heart that you are doing the best thing for yourself even if things with SG doesn't work out. It is as if you just needed a little light to see your way through...so keep that light in your heart and know that you will continue to do what is best for you. Hugs to you, sweetie!
sadbuttrue Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Isn't the easiest way to break up to annonymously tell his wife? Then it won't be you breaking his heart and if it is really you he loves then he will leave the marriage. you will never have doubts and will know you did right. not a good idea greengoddess
smartgirl Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 You know what you have to do. Disengage now so you are free to really move forward. Don't wait to see if this new relationship works out before you break it off with mm. If you have gotten to this point, you are ready.
Guest Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 How can he afford to give you an allowance, when you're his boss?
greengoddess Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Stillhere I applaud you for walking away now. I'm sure it will be very difficult but I am curious as to why you feel you have to walk away to date someone else. Is it that you believe in monagamy and believe cheating is wrong? Is it that you possibly could not see two men at once? that it is not fair to them? If this is the case, how is it you found yourself attracted to a man that would cheat on his wife?
Baileykeg Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 SH - just remember if you decide to tell MM it's over that you shouldn't second guess your decision when the hard times hit. It takes a long time to get to the "enough" point and only you will know when you are ready. Either way we're here to support you! :-)
Author stillhere Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 How can he afford to give you an allowance, when you're his boss? CUTE!! I must be that good!! Stillhere I applaud you for walking away now. I'm sure it will be very difficult but I am curious as to why you feel you have to walk away to date someone else. Is it that you believe in monagamy and believe cheating is wrong? Is it that you possibly could not see two men at once? that it is not fair to them? If this is the case, how is it you found yourself attracted to a man that would cheat on his wife? I've never been "alone" in my life, but i sure feel like i have been for the last 19 months, so i have a tendency to start something before, as some would say, i have "healed" from the last relationship. I believe cheating is wrong, i was a cheater myself, but left my H. I was at my wits end and telling my H to leave countless times before my A started, got me nowhere. Finally, after having the A discovered, i kicked my exH out and stuck to my guns. I was looking for an exit, and that was my chance. I took the cowards way out, but i did end up with the result i was looking for. Our A wasn't supposed to turn out like this, but it did and i'm tired of having my heart broken daily. As much as i love my MM, i know what the final outcome will be. I need to do something to make me happy for once. I don't expect anyone to understand why i do what i do, sh*t, i don't understand it myself half the time. I just want to go on with my life and be happy, which is what we all want. SH - just remember if you decide to tell MM it's over that you shouldn't second guess your decision when the hard times hit. It takes a long time to get to the "enough" point and only you will know when you are ready. Either way we're here to support you! :-) BK, thank you for your support. I will never second guess my decision once i make it. I know it's what's best for me!! Thank you for being here for me.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 We're here for you SH! Whatever decision that you make, we'll support you...only you know what's best for you... (((HUGS)))
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