Author HopefulOne Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 I prefer loon. Hopefulone, why are you still with him? What does he have that keeps you around? You know, I ask myself that same question and I wish I had the answer.. I really do.. I think he has the charm and that's what get's to me sometimes.. and I do believe at this point he is a master manipulator.. I think he knows exactly what he is doing and very good at it.. So, as much as I know I am at fault for staying in this... it doesn't mean I deserved it...
IpAncA Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 You know, I ask myself that same question and I wish I had the answer.. I really do.. I think he has the charm and that's what get's to me sometimes.. and I do believe at this point he is a master manipulator.. I think he knows exactly what he is doing and very good at it.. So, as much as I know I am at fault for staying in this... it doesn't mean I deserved it... His charm and manipulation is something you can live without. Can you see yourself marrying this man?
Author HopefulOne Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Yes, it is something I can live without... and I have been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days and I think he very well might be living a double life, everything really does seem to point to it... always a reason, always an excuse and now I do believe he has been lying for quite sometime, if not from the beginning. Maybe even a Pathological liar. It's actually makes me sick, although I will tell you that I have been relatively calm and haven't cried, it's as if something just came over me and said he SMELL THE COFFEE, WAKE UP and look what's in front of you. It's scary and yes it hurts like hell to know that I have have probably been decieved this whole time.... and I thank all of you for being here to support me..
dropdeadlegs Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Good to hear form you HopefulOne. Just stopping in to offer any support you need.
Author HopefulOne Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Just mulling it all over in my head... I find that at times I try to say well maybe that's not the case or maybe he isn't lying but you know, I think in my heart I do know but I can't seem to accept it just yet... All in time I guess...
Author HopefulOne Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 Okay, today seems to be a bad one... I have been able to keep it out of my head... but I can't seem to today. I still have heard nothing from him but then we know he is not due back in the office until Monday. Not that I would speak to him anyway.. I just don't know.. I have been going round and round today... I have been thinking about everything from the beginning and everything that has been said and done... the more I think about things that have transpired, been said... It makes me even more sick... I think they were all lies but why, why do that to someone, why keep them around, what's the point? I just can't fathom it.. ?????
dropdeadlegs Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 HopefulOne, I'm really sorry today is a bad one. I wish I had answers for you. He may not even be leading a double life but the fact that he keeps pushing you away and abandoning the relationship is not fair and you deserve better. I can't imagine my BF not even mentioning a vacation to me, even if he hasn't talked to me in two weeks. I know his vacation dates for the whole year. Since you don't really know what the deal is, he could have moved the May vacation up. Maybe this week wasn't actually planned. Maybe he need a mental health week. I think he needs mental health HELP. Regardless of what is what, I really think it's time to let this one go. I hate to see you hurting so much every 3-4 months, and for so long when you are hurting. Are you physically sick today, or more heartsick? Either way I hope you feel better.
Author HopefulOne Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 HopefulOne, I'm really sorry today is a bad one. I wish I had answers for you. He may not even be leading a double life but the fact that he keeps pushing you away and abandoning the relationship is not fair and you deserve better. I can't imagine my BF not even mentioning a vacation to me, even if he hasn't talked to me in two weeks. I know his vacation dates for the whole year. Since you don't really know what the deal is, he could have moved the May vacation up. Maybe this week wasn't actually planned. Maybe he need a mental health week. I think he needs mental health HELP. Regardless of what is what, I really think it's time to let this one go. I hate to see you hurting so much every 3-4 months, and for so long when you are hurting. Are you physically sick today, or more heartsick? Either way I hope you feel better. Well, both mental and phyiscal... and I need to stop... My Physical the other didn't go so well... He has done this many times and promised to take on vacation many times with him... It has never happened. Always a reason.. and part of the problem he has is that I ask questions. When I asked about his trip two months ago, he got mad. Then recently when I asked when he was going, he said late May and then proceeded to ask me if I would like to go? I said I would love too, and he oh, that's cool.. The next day he stopped speaking to me and that's when I got the text. This always happens. Last year he said he had think and dissappeared for two weeks and it's the only other time that I called the office and they said he was on vacation until such and such. I asked him about it and he said.. He said that wasn't true and his secretary wasn't telling the truth and I said I highly doubt that. He said I am going to have to talk to her, ( he travels a lot for work) but his phone is turned off during these times too and he can't be unavailable for work... So, it's like the same thing all over again and why would someone get so angry when you ask them simple everyday questions. He's says I am too inquisitive and ask too many questions. Couple of this with the fact the he keeps his phone glued to his side and everything else... This just isn't right, doesn't feel right... doesn't smell right.. Sorry if I am venting so much... I just don't understand...
VirtualInsanity Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 He said that wasn't true and his secretary wasn't telling the truth and I said I highly doubt that. He said I am going to have to talk to her, ( he travels a lot for work) but his phone is turned off during these times too and he can't be unavailable for work... So, it's like the same thing all over again and why would someone get so angry when you ask them simple everyday questions. Makes no sense.
Author HopefulOne Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 Makes no sense. Oh what I meant was, he never turns his phone off he has to be available for work. but that time he dissappeared and she said he was on vacation he said he was working out of town but he couldn't get reception. Does that make more sense. and this time his phone is turned off again and he is out till next week on vacation so his secretary said.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 You're not venting too much, you need to vent more! You're finally at the stage where there are too many questions (so of course you're inquisitive!) and not enough answers, just avoidance by "gaslighting" you. From wikipedia: "Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception." He is turning things around to make you feel that YOU are the one with the problem. I really believe that he has serious psychological problems. Try looking up some personality disorders and see where you think he might fit. If you need help finding a relevant website, I'll try to help you. I'm sure there are many on LS with good knowledge on the subject that would offer significant assistance. I'm not a shrink, but I would classify what he does to you as abusive, not just unfair or wrong. I really hope you don't get back together with him. It's not good for your mental or physical health. Stress can actually kill a person over time. Be good to yourself. None of this is your fault.
Author HopefulOne Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 You're not venting too much, you need to vent more! You're finally at the stage where there are too many questions (so of course you're inquisitive!) and not enough answers, just avoidance by "gaslighting" you. From wikipedia: "Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception." He is turning things around to make you feel that YOU are the one with the problem. I really believe that he has serious psychological problems. Try looking up some personality disorders and see where you think he might fit. If you need help finding a relevant website, I'll try to help you. I'm sure there are many on LS with good knowledge on the subject that would offer significant assistance. I'm not a shrink, but I would classify what he does to you as abusive, not just unfair or wrong. I really hope you don't get back together with him. It's not good for your mental or physical health. Stress can actually kill a person over time. Be good to yourself. None of this is your fault. I would love if you could find some relevant websites, that would be great, I very much appreciate your help... I am trying to take care of myself... I know right now that's what I need to do, I found out that I have some health issues.
IpAncA Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Yep. Something's not right with this guy. But still is fishy with him shutting you out of his personal life. Saying you ask to many questions, etc...
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I would love if you could find some relevant websites, that would be great, I very much appreciate your help... I am trying to take care of myself... I know right now that's what I need to do, I found out that I have some health issues. First, I'm sorry that you are experiencing health problems. I sincerely hope it's not serious and not too scary. I found two interesting websites that might help. The first is a test designed to be taken by the individual, but you could answer the questions as if you were him to the best of your ability. It consists of about 50 yes and no questions, but it doesn't take long to complete. I took it myself and I'm at low risk for any of the disorders it lists. then I went back and changed the answers to what I was like in my late 20's and I was at moderate risk for "Histrionic Disorder." That was interesting. http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv The second link gives symptoms of many adult disorders and if you scroll down the page under where children's disorders are listed, there is a list of symptoms for personality disorders. I looked at most of them scanning for abandonment/return, and secrecy since that is all I am clear on and didn't see anything of note. You know him better, so there may be something that jumps out at you. http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx13.htm Maybe you will see something maybe you won't. Maybe it's a double life, maybe he's just strange, maybe you'll never know. It doesn't hurt to take a peek. Again, take care of yourself!
Author HopefulOne Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 First, I'm sorry that you are experiencing health problems. I sincerely hope it's not serious and not too scary. I found two interesting websites that might help. The first is a test designed to be taken by the individual, but you could answer the questions as if you were him to the best of your ability. It consists of about 50 yes and no questions, but it doesn't take long to complete. I took it myself and I'm at low risk for any of the disorders it lists. then I went back and changed the answers to what I was like in my late 20's and I was at moderate risk for "Histrionic Disorder." That was interesting. http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv The second link gives symptoms of many adult disorders and if you scroll down the page under where children's disorders are listed, there is a list of symptoms for personality disorders. I looked at most of them scanning for abandonment/return, and secrecy since that is all I am clear on and didn't see anything of note. You know him better, so there may be something that jumps out at you. http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx13.htm Maybe you will see something maybe you won't. Maybe it's a double life, maybe he's just strange, maybe you'll never know. It doesn't hurt to take a peek. Again, take care of yourself! Thank you so much... I did take a look at the sites... Interesting stuff there and I think he could fit many categories I tried to keep myself busy this weekend ... Still on my mind though... Wish I could do what he does and just not care and turn it off.. I still haven't heard from him... not sure I ever will, not sure if I would even answer.. The trust is gone....I feel betrayed and left to just wonder.. That's not the way you treat someone you care about as a person let alone someone you are in love with... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author HopefulOne Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Last night was horrible... I cried and cried and cried... I couldn't stop.. My eyes are so swollen today I could barely see... I don't know why I just can't get him out of my mind... I still haven't heard from him, maybe that's it, maybe it's the fact that he doesn't care and I just can't believe he can treats me like this. Why is this consuming me right now? Why can't I just let it go? UGH........
dropdeadlegs Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Last night was horrible... I cried and cried and cried... I couldn't stop.. My eyes are so swollen today I could barely see... I don't know why I just can't get him out of my mind... I still haven't heard from him, maybe that's it, maybe it's the fact that he doesn't care and I just can't believe he can treats me like this. Why is this consuming me right now? Why can't I just let it go? UGH........ I'm sure that if you could snap your fingers and let it go, that you would have done so by now. He treats you like this because you have let him do so many times in the past, and accepted him back on his terms. Why he feels entitled to do it is another matter that I cannot explain. I think it is consuming you because you know in your heart that YOU must end this nonsense and insanity. Before, you seemed more set on ending his silence, but now you are contemplating a silence that may never end by choosing to leave the relationship. At least I hope you are. You can't change that he has hurt you so many times, but you CAN make this the LAST time he hurts you. You have so much more power than you believe in this situation. I urge you to use it.\ Cry your tears, feel your pain, then GET ANGRY. Instead of "how could he do this to me?" start thinking "what makes him think he has the RIGHT to do this to me?" then show him he no longer has any rights where you are concerned. He has lost all privileges to being part of your life. I hope you can do this, HopefulOne. It's the only way to stop the endless cycle you've been living.
Author HopefulOne Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 I'm sure that if you could snap your fingers and let it go, that you would have done so by now. He treats you like this because you have let him do so many times in the past, and accepted him back on his terms. Why he feels entitled to do it is another matter that I cannot explain. I think it is consuming you because you know in your heart that YOU must end this nonsense and insanity. Before, you seemed more set on ending his silence, but now you are contemplating a silence that may never end by choosing to leave the relationship. At least I hope you are. You can't change that he has hurt you so many times, but you CAN make this the LAST time he hurts you. You have so much more power than you believe in this situation. I urge you to use it.\ Cry your tears, feel your pain, then GET ANGRY. Instead of "how could he do this to me?" start thinking "what makes him think he has the RIGHT to do this to me?" then show him he no longer has any rights where you are concerned. He has lost all privileges to being part of your life. I hope you can do this, HopefulOne. It's the only way to stop the endless cycle you've been living. You are right, I know this has to stop.. I have never ended a relationship quite the way this one is ending. It's normally been a mature conversation and even though it hurts to end it we have always acted out of mutual respect for each because if you truly care about a person, you tell them the truth. So, this is quite different and it's carrying all kinds of different emotions with it. I have not called, I have not texted, I have not emailed. I am trying to move on and bring in my own closure on this, it's tough. I want to be angry but right now all I feel is sadness... He has no right to treat me this way and I deserve better, this I know. It's just this endless pit in my stomach right now, it's a horrible feeling and I want it to stop.................
Author HopefulOne Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 wow... I just read some of my old post from last year and the beginning of this year... Very enlighting... I just had to say to myself... HOLY CRAP!!! What the hell is my problem?? I should be angry at myself for allowing this behavior to continue on for such a long time. It was heartbreaking to read them.... Good therapy though... WHEW.... I am still taking all that in.. I think I will go read some more of them...
dropdeadlegs Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 wow... I just read some of my old post from last year and the beginning of this year... Very enlighting... I just had to say to myself... HOLY CRAP!!! What the hell is my problem?? I should be angry at myself for allowing this behavior to continue on for such a long time. It was heartbreaking to read them.... Good therapy though... WHEW.... I am still taking all that in.. I think I will go read some more of them... You're seeing it all as a big picture instead of several smaller episodes. That will be good for you, even though it might hurt. Whatever your "problem" was, you can stop it now. I'm willing to bet that you just loved him so much and are too forgiving. I've done that. It made me stronger. It can make you stronger, too.
IpAncA Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Sorry your feeling bad HopefulOne. Him not calling you for this long should tell you something don't you think?
Mezzi Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 What does it mean when a guy says he needs time to think and figure things out? Saying I am tired of always being in trouble and I want to sort things out and figure out why they keep happening? Then says it's nothing I did... What does that sound like to you? I think this guy maybe likes you and you guys probably had some huge arguement (am I right?) and then decided he needed to think about some stuff. I would give him three weeks to think and figure things out then begin to wonder if things will get back on track.
Author HopefulOne Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 Sorry your feeling bad HopefulOne. Him not calling you for this long should tell you something don't you think? Agreed......... Actions speak volumes.......I have to go to the doctor again tommorow.. and my dog is in the hospital... he is 17 but doing okay... I just don't know how much more I can take....
Author HopefulOne Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 he just texted me a little while ago... all it said was... goin crazy... You know I had a really good day... doctor visit went good... dog is good... went to a good ol baseball game and a nice dinner with a friend... and damn it... you know what... I won't let it get to me... I haven't said anything back, nor will I.... Thanks to all of you for being there to support me... It truly does help...
dropdeadlegs Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 He's goin crazy. That's priceless. I wonder how long he would make it without hearing from you. Could he take days, weeks, even a month or two? I guess he could seeing as he does it fairly regularly. I wish you could go on vacation, a long vacation. He's on his way back into your world, HopefulOne. I hope you're ready. Part of me hoped he would just never reappear. I'm happy to hear that your Dr. appt. went well and that your dog is doing better.
Recommended Posts